BetterMean Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I have always been a very mild-mannered and giving individual. During my dating days, this tendency went to the extreme since I already tended to be this way. What happened though was that when I met a woman I liked, I really spoiled her. I would cook for her, let her relax as I washed the dishes, clean the house, etc. If the woman liked me, and the relationship progressed, she began to become accustomed to being pampered. As years progressed however, even the nicest person begins to realize that the workload in the relationship was not being shared fairly, and perhaps feeling resentful especially when I made it known that I felt things were not fair. This realization would be amplified by the fact that I would be the majority breadwinner, plus I would be expected to do the majority of housework. Whose fault was this? Perhaps mine to a large extent since I created the expectation for such a relationship. Now as I embark on relationships, I really have to purposefully restrain myself from giving too much in a relationship as to prevent creating expectations which cannot be maintained. Indeed often I feel like doing things for my woman, sending flowers for no reason, taking care of tasks for her, etc. Now I try to discuss with my woman that I do expect that if one partner is the major breadwinner, then the other would be expected to do the majority of housework. Indeed I have stated to my woman, and I truely mean it, that if I could make the same money that I do by being a house-husband, it would take me about a nanosecond to choose being a house-husband. I really do not fall for the position that being a house-husband or housewife is as stressful or hard as the average job. Have other 'nice guys' sabotaged their long term relationships by being nice to the point that such niceness cannot be maintained long-term?
Tony T Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 There is a tendency for many people to take advantage of nice people, to take them for granted and to eventually shove it all up their butts. It doesn't happen that way all the time but it does often enough that people need to learn boundaries for what they are willing to do for the one they love. People are weird and this being too nice stuff can change even the very best of them.
nicki Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Well, I think you need to set things up the way you want them to be at the very beginning of a relationship. That way there is no surprise later on. I also think that you should give freely without consideration of getting anything back....although I do understand your notion of reciprocity and division of chores, especially concerning household duties. As far as flowers and gifts go, I think you should also give freely, as often as you want to. If you want your SO to give you things, then let her know that you love "surprises" too. Nice guys are NOT stingy about these kinds of things. Staying home as a housewife is equal to an outside job. Running a household is like running a business. The one staying home should do the majority of the housework, but not ALL of it ALL the time. The one coming home is equally responsible for cleaning up dinner and all messes made during the shared hours. Weekends are also for shared household jobs and hobbies. The stay at home person is not working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week while the other person gets to go golfing or sit on their as* watching tv. Both have equal opportunity to pursue interests, as well as get household jobs done....eg, clean the garage.... If there are kids involved, then staying home is much, much harder....and a husband (or wife) would be wise to understand and express that. If you have to work hard to maintain "niceness," then you are not really that nice and are probably expecting something in return...so just be more upfront about what you want and need....and still be nice and thoughtful. That way you won't build up resentment, which makes us all stop being nice.
Green Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Look you created an expectation and for what ever reason you changed and expected everything to be ok. I say if you want to do stuff for your woman go ahead and do it but just dont be suprised about what happens when you stop doing it. Its not realistic to expect some one whos been getting something and then loses it to be happy about it.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 There has to be a balance. Giving because you want to, and doing nice things for your partner is great! BUT, as long as they are giving back and doing nice things for you as well. You can still be a nice guy, you just have to not let it esclate to when the other person expects you to do it all...That is where hurt feelings and resentment come into play. I really do not fall for the position that being a house-husband or housewife is as stressful or hard as the average job. If children are part of the deal, then it IS the hardest job. To look after kids, clean and clean etc, isn't easy. If no kids are involved, then yes, you are right.
Guest Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 What happened though was that when I met a woman I liked, I really spoiled her. I would cook for her, let her relax as I washed the dishes, clean the house, etc. If the woman liked me, and the relationship progressed, she began to become accustomed to being pampered. Whose fault was this? Perhaps mine Ya think? It makes no sense to do everything for someone, not allow the person to do anything in return, and then resent the person because you're not getting anything in return. Have other 'nice guys' sabotaged their long term relationships by being nice to the point that such niceness cannot be maintained long-term? Here's a clue: you were not a 'nice guy'. You turned yourself into a servant and pretended you wanted nothing in return. You probably refused things even. But secretly you kept score. Until you finally got fed up of the situation YOU created. If you're going to give to someone, allow her to give back. If she does nothing but take ALL THE TIME (and be sure that you are keeping accurate score; people tend to be very good about seeing what they do and not seeing at all what others do for them) then discuss it or discontinue the relationship. You let it go on for 'years'. That was your fault. It was not her fault for taking advantage. You cannot be a doormat unless you lie down and fail to complain when you're stepped on. For years.
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