lyra Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Hi, I broke up with my girlfriend recently and since then my heart just aches more every day. I guess it’s the same story as a thousand other romances before, I met her, fell in love, got lost along the way and left. The difference is she had a secret and I’m the only person she told. When I met her she already had a boyfriend and we initially became close friends. So close that she began to trust me like no-one before and that’s when she told me. Some years previous she was raped by another boyfriend. She didn’t tell anyone at the time, or deal with it, she just tried to forget it. But it affected her, she was afraid constantly, she craved affection and hid behind a veil of not-a-care-in-the-world bubblyness. From then she opened up to me and I got to know the real her and I cared about her deeply. She broke up with her boyfriend and after a while we started dating. It was great at the start and I thought we’d be together forever. But we always came back to that issue, it made her very sad. It started to get me down too. Then one day, out of the blue, in a fit of pure selfishness I asked myself what I was getting out of the relationship. I wasn’t happy, I’d have done anything to make her pain go away but I couldn’t. One phone call later and we’d broken up, I didn’t even have the common decency to go and see her. I didn’t want it to end that way so I gave her a call a week later. I ended up making things worse, I could tell she was deeply hurt. We stopped communications and now I feel awful, the only person in the world she could trust and I left her. I know she’ll just go back to the way she was, living in denial, how can she ever trust anyone else? I don’t know what to do, I want to get back in touch but I’m scared she won’t want to know. Any suggestions?
Pyro Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Hi, I broke up with my girlfriend recently and since then my heart just aches more every day. I guess it’s the same story as a thousand other romances before, I met her, fell in love, got lost along the way and left. The difference is she had a secret and I’m the only person she told. When I met her she already had a boyfriend and we initially became close friends. So close that she began to trust me like no-one before and that’s when she told me. Some years previous she was raped by another boyfriend. She didn’t tell anyone at the time, or deal with it, she just tried to forget it. But it affected her, she was afraid constantly, she craved affection and hid behind a veil of not-a-care-in-the-world bubblyness. From then she opened up to me and I got to know the real her and I cared about her deeply. She broke up with her boyfriend and after a while we started dating. It was great at the start and I thought we’d be together forever. But we always came back to that issue, it made her very sad. It started to get me down too. Then one day, out of the blue, in a fit of pure selfishness I asked myself what I was getting out of the relationship. I wasn’t happy, I’d have done anything to make her pain go away but I couldn’t. One phone call later and we’d broken up, I didn’t even have the common decency to go and see her. I didn’t want it to end that way so I gave her a call a week later. I ended up making things worse, I could tell she was deeply hurt. We stopped communications and now I feel awful, the only person in the world she could trust and I left her. I know she’ll just go back to the way she was, living in denial, how can she ever trust anyone else? I don’t know what to do, I want to get back in touch but I’m scared she won’t want to know. Any suggestions? A break-up is going to hurt both parties regardless. I think that you should have broken up with her in person, but thats beside the point. Bottom line, if you are not happy in a relationship, then you are not obligated to stay in it. Thats cool that you still care deeply for her, but you said so yourself that you are not happy. It will be less pain for her if you never call her again.
dropdeadlegs Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Do you want to get back in touch to make HER feel better or to make YOURSELF feel better about the way the break up happened? I'm not sure I can comment appropriately without knowing this.
AloneNow125 Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Some years previous she was raped by another boyfriend. She didn’t tell anyone at the time, or deal with it, she just tried to forget it. But it affected her, she was afraid constantly, she craved affection and hid behind a veil... It was great at the start and I thought we’d be together forever. But we always came back to that issue, it made her very sad. It started to get me down too. Then one day, out of the blue, in a fit of pure selfishness I asked myself what I was getting out of the relationship. I wasn’t happy, I’d have done anything to make her pain go away but I couldn’t. One phone call later and we’d broken up, I didn’t even have the common decency to go and see her. Lyra, your situation is achingly similar to mine, though I was on the receiving end. I am the one who was raped. I was terrified to tell my significant other at the time. It took months of therapy before I could work myself up to telling him because I was so afraid and haunted by the stats that something like 80% of relationships affected by rape don't succeed. When I finally told him, he was wonderfully supportive. He was so good and loving to me as I progressed through healing and the attempts to bring my rapist to justice. I thought after a few months that we had put it all behind us. But it takes a lot longer than that. I realize now that the rape left me with a number of insecurities that made me constantly afraid that he would leave me. It left him feeling drained and led him to keep his own feelings bottled up inside. Our communication reached a grining halt. When we broke up, he brought up the rape for the first time in over a year. I felt like it was so cruel. I felt ripped open and so betrayed and violated all over again. I also hadn't told many people aside from him. I felt like it was being thrown back at me in the worst way. This is something so, so hard to deal with. You may find that it's something the two of you can never get past. If you really want to be with her, the two of you will have to be honest about the ways that this assault affects your relatioship. This may involve therapy, etc. If you decide not to have contact with her anymore, I think it would be meaningful if you just let her know that you don't think less of her because of what happened, tell her some of the things that were great about her to help rebuild her self esteem, and try and find some resources to point her in the direction of so she can have access to the help she needs. I don't know about in the UK, but here in the US we have a great network of anonymous hotlines and free counseling for people who are victims, regardless of how long ago it took place. I wish my ex would have done these things for me instead of leaving me feeling the way I do now. My heart is aching for you both, I know you're trying to do the right thing. It's so, so hard to deal with. I hope this helps.
lunarC Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 By now you must know if it was meant to be or not. It sounds gut wrenching, but at least you haven't hidden behind the veil of marriage for 5 to 10 years only to find out it's not working. She has to gain more confidence and pick up the pieces and move on. Although you're not letting on to how intimate her secret was, it can not be the only bond that you two share to act as the glue for a solid future relationship. But at the same time it's important that you both get a better sense of closure and avoiding all communication sounds like the worst possible way to achieve this.
Guest Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 it is interesting how what we need for closure changes with the passage of time. when my ex left me, i had no clue as to why so the push and the need was like ringing in my ears...she could have just said to me 'because u are an *******' and that would have been fine - anything other than silence. but a funny thing happens when u go thru NC for an extended period of time - you start to lose that 'hurt' from the breakup, and that 'immediate need' from the other and as u start to step back and work on the things u now only u must repair, the requirement for closure softens and changes and eventually both end up finding their own ways to assist each other and that is done not just for one but for both,...and a strange respect emerges again, and whatever happened loses it hurt, and you start to focus back on that person as a person not as a wife or a gf or a fling fing fling. and what happens then is all the things that you discussed and share come back from hiding behind memeories and you realize just how much you have left out when taking account. and it funny because at the beginning of an R if both know right away its gonna go long term, that's when they lay all the cards on the table so both can decide...the only problem with that is it occurs at the same time as the first blush of atttraction so the message gets a little lost between that and all the happy humping of the honeymoon stage...and then live takes over, and things become routine...and next thing you know, she off with the milkman and you chatting online with some babe you thinking is from demark when its really your evil cousin asking you to pull down yer drawer and show us that fancy sausage! lol.. not that this happened to me...just rambling on lol
Ssheena Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Agreed. Until she works through what happened to her, she will not be ready for a relationship. Sometimes the best thing someone can tell someone is, you need to get some help with this issue and I can't give it to you as it is beyond my scope. I'm sorry you are hurting. You can't stop her circle pattern but you can stop yours.
Author lyra Posted October 30, 2006 Author Posted October 30, 2006 Thanks for the replies. My primary concern is just to know that she’ll be ok. She needs support to get through the rape issue and without me she has nobody she trusts enough to talk to. I discussed with her before about getting some sort of counselling but she wouldn’t entertain the idea. I never mentioned the rape during the break up and daren’t now, even though its legacy badly affected our relationship. The girl I grew to love was everything I could have hoped for, she made me feel alive. Once the rape memories got dredged up, she got depressed and I began to worry about her constantly. I worried that I couldn’t make it all better for her. I remember her telling me she’d cheated on every boyfriend she’d had because she craved the attention and I worried I’d just be the same. I just couldn’t take it I know the girl I fell for is in there somewhere and I want that girl back. But maybe she’s gone and I’m chasing a lost hope and I’ll end up hurting her even more in the process if I got back in touch But being the only person she told, I almost feel responsible for her. As if it’s my duty to lead her through to a better place. And if I just abandoned her I’d forever regret it. I’m too scared to see her or even phone in case I say something stupid so I’m just going to take my time and write her a letter..
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