anxiousman Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Hello everyone! This is the first time that I have posted to this site so here goes nothing. I am a 31 year old man who has been divorced for about 3 years. Since that time I have been involved in several short term relationships, the longest lasting six months. In all of these relationships, I have experienced problems with anxiety. I am still trying to get on my feet from my last dating experience. I was seeing this woman for about two months. Everything was going great. She told me she was in love with me and that she was very comfortable and enjoyed spending time with me. I have always been a person who is insecure. I also am a person who like to fix problems. If there was something bothering her, I could sense it in her voice and I would ask her about it. About a week ago I had this strange feeling that something was wrong. She just didn't seem to be acting the same way. I asked her about it and she said that nothing was wrong. She said that she was not the kind of person to play games and that she would always let me know where I stood with her. That weekend everything was great. I brought her lunch to work on Saturday and we spent the weekend together. We had made plans to see each other on Wed and we talked to one another on the phone in between. That wednesday I made dinner for her at my place and we watched a movie together. Everything seemed fine. I told her that since I was working overnight and she was going into work early, I would call her in the morning. She didn't seem to have a problem with that. The next morning I sent her a text message to say good morning and she called me back in a very bad mood. I didn't think much of it. Later that morning she called me back to say she was PMSing and she had a lot on her and didn't want me to take offense. I said that I wasn't taking it personal. She told me she loved me and I told her I would take to her later after I slept (working night shift). Later on that night I called her and she was very different. SHe said that we had to talk and that she felt smothered and that she needed her space. She said that she felt herself obligated to call me so that I wouldn't freak out and think something was wrong. She told me not to call her anymore. The next day she called me to ask for her things back that were at my house. She gave me a hug, told me I was a great guy and thanked me for everything and walked away. I don't understand what happened. How can things go from I love you the day before to don't call me anymore. I really liked this woman and now I am really bummed! Any advice would certainly be appreciated.
shawn_68 Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 SHe said that we had to talk and that she felt smothered and that she needed her space. She said that she felt herself obligated to call me so that I wouldn't freak out and think something was wrong. She told me not to call her anymore. You may also want to post this in the "breakup" forum just down the hall. From my perspective, it sounds like things were moving too fast and too deep for 2 months together. I think it's one of the most common mistakes that one or both parties make in the early courting stage. Patience IS a virtue. When you hang on too tightly, often times their natural impulse is to run. Oddly enough, the more room that you give them to breath on their own, the more likely it is for them to come to you. All you can do now is grant her what she has requested. Give her the time and space.
kdark Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 When courting someone, I was always taught "Give them the gift of missing you." Don't take things too fast. "Accidentally" forget to call a girl you are getting to know if you talk to her all the time on the phone. Now if you say you are going to call them still do, but if you call them all the time randomly, just quit doing it for one whole day. It gives you both space to think about how things are going, and get some other things done in your life. You can also use their reaction to you not calling them as an indicator of how fast they want the relationship to go. If they didn't even notice, slow things down. If they respond with something like, "Where have you been stranger?" Or anything indicating they really missed you, you are on the right track with her...
db75 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 In all of these relationships, I have experienced problems with anxiety. I have always been a person who is insecure. I also am a person who like to fix problems. If there was something bothering her, I could sense it in her voice and I would ask her about it. I guess the first question I want to ask you is what's the longest in your entire life that you've been single? Let me tell you from experience, you issues of insecurity and anxiety, you're going to have to work on that. There's no bigger bit of woman-repelant than insecurity. Insecurity adversely affects how you conduct yourself in a relationship. From your perspective you're not doing anything wrong. In your mind you're just showing that you care by calling, checking up on this person etc(or any relationship you've been in.. What you're really doing is seeking affirmation that this person still loves/likes you because of your insecurity. The fixing thing is also an issue of insecurity. Is also a sign of codependence. Sorry to be so blunt with you. Honestly, I would recommend you work on your own issues first before trying to get involved with anyone else. Look into some therapy, or possibly just talk to your doctor about what's going on. It takes way more strength to seek help than it does to just let the problem lie. Later on that night I called her and she was very different. SHe said that we had to talk and that she felt smothered and that she needed her space. She said that she felt herself obligated to call me so that I wouldn't freak out and think something was wrong. She told me not to call her anymore. Again that all goes back to your insecurity. Understand though, I'm not saying that this is all your fault. It takes two to start a relationship and it takes two to wreck it. The next day she called me to ask for her things back that were at my house. She gave me a hug, told me I was a great guy and thanked me for everything and walked away. I don't understand what happened. How can things go from I love you the day before to don't call me anymore. I really liked this woman and now I am really bummed! Any advice would certainly be appreciated. She's been thinking about ending the relationship for much longer than you realized. Fact of the matter is you are a good guy and you've got to remember that. At this point, pick yourself up, deal with the pain and move on. You've done this before and you'll be fine. As I said though, you've got to work on those insecurity issues. If you don't conquer that about yourself you will have a hard time keeping a steady relationship. Having said all that, don't beat yourself up though. Don't think, "it's all my fault." Because it's not. Work on you now. Again, I'm just speculating with some of this but, I think for you being in a relationship makes you feel more secure about yourself but at the same time it's your greatest weakness. The relationship brings your insecurities to the surface. My advice is to really take a long break on relationships and really work on you. Now even if you conquer your insecurities that doesn't mean that your next relationship will work out. There's always something. But, it seems that working on your issues would reallly benefit you in the long run.
Author anxiousman Posted October 31, 2006 Author Posted October 31, 2006 Thanks everybody. I know that I have insecurities and I am continuing to work on them and am continuing to seek help. I have an appointment with my doctor tonight to talk about the situation and to see how I can work on myself. I agree with the idea of avoiding relationships now and that my weakness and insecurities come to the surface when I am involved with someone. It doesn't make it any easier but your kind words and honest opinions shed some light on the situation. Simply put...Thank you!
db75 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Thanks everybody. I know that I have insecurities and I am continuing to work on them and am continuing to seek help. I have an appointment with my doctor tonight to talk about the situation and to see how I can work on myself. I agree with the idea of avoiding relationships now and that my weakness and insecurities come to the surface when I am involved with someone. It doesn't make it any easier but your kind words and honest opinions shed some light on the situation. Simply put...Thank you! Good for you man. Happy to hear you're working on this and getting some help. Good luck to you.
Recommended Posts