perspektiv Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Long story short, I was with my GF for the past 6 months. It was a LDR, and my first of that sort. I had serious trust issues with her. Some of them I chalk up to the person she was before I met her. She told me she had cheated on every past BF. She slept around..alot. She never really had a serious relationship. I also had issues because of my past relationships. I was in my first for 6 yrs, and it turned out who I thought was the most innocent girl in the world was cheating on me. Over the summer things were almost too good to be true. I gave into her. Thats something I hadn't been able to do since my 6 yr relationship ended almost 6 yrs ago. When she want back to school, things changed drastically. She had less time for me. School was the #1 priority. All these new guy freinds were popping up. I felt really uncomfortable. Since we were together i sort of blew off my freinds that were girls. I didn't feel the need to go out 3 times a week like I used to. She felt hesitant to go out with her guy freinds. It became hard for both of us. I didn't want to get in the way of her school, and I wanted her to be able to go out and have fun with whoever. Its just my trust issues that usually got the best of me. She attacked me in certain ways. She is very driven, younger, and had a clear future. I am a bit older, I have a decent but not amazing job, and I want to go further in life, I just need to figure alot of things out. She looked down on me because of this. Her excuse was that she wants security. I uderstand to some extent, but I seriously am doing all I can to move forward and its not happening as fast as I want it to. We had issues with sex as well that I won't get deep into on here. All around, I felt inadequate. All I wanted was for her to accept me for me. In past relationships, for the most part things were the other way around. I always felt on top. I know its not a race to win, but it always felt like one with her. I felt almost powerless, and I still do. Its a crappy feeling. Fast forward to the past month. We have seen each other about 4 times in the past month. Every time we got together, we fought alot. When we weren't together, we fought on the phone. She made me really mad a couple weeks back and wrote me email after email apologizing, telling me she didn't want ME to break up with HER, etc. This past week I made her mad and that was it for her. She wanted out. (This is a long story very short) I went to see her this weekend (on friday). We went out that night, drank a little, which was probably a bad idea. We eneded up fighting before we went to bed. We woke up yesterday arguing, crying, calming down, and getting right back to fighting. We called it quits and both said we hoped we could rekindle things in the future at some point. On the 3 hr drive home, I cried so much that my face still burns today. I have never felt such a loss. even though this was only six months so far, it felt harder to walk away from than a 6yr relationship. I called her when I was almost home. For the first minute, I think all we did was cry. No words came out. We then decided to take a break instead. One week with no communication. We used to talk at least 3 times a day every day, so this is a big change. My problem is what it always was. Trust. All I can think of right now is that she is hanging out with guys and doing all the things she felt she missed out on when she was with me. I feel so horrible right now. I can't eat, sleep, or do anything to get this out of my head. The bad parts sucked so bad, but I still felt walking away completely was a waste. I'm not a desperate person by any means. I'm confident I could find someone else, but its just that I really think I found someone I could be happy with forever. I just think we worked through things wrong. I want to call her so bad but I know its wrong. I just don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the week. I feel like when she calls, I'm going to go right back to my jealous self and question who she was with all week. I wish I could change that part of me. She hasn't given me a reason to think otherwise. I let her past and my past ruin things. Sorry its so long. I'm not even sure what I'm looking to get out of this. I just needed to write. Anything will help though...opinions, flames, and questions welcome.....
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