midnight_blue Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 The more I know my boyfriend, the more I feel he and I aren't compatible at all. I don't think this relationship will work out, so I want to end it. The problem is, my boyfriend is still passionately in love with me. I don't want to hurt him. Although I no longer have romantic feelings for him, I still regard him as my close friend. What can I do? How to dump someone without hurting him?
roxy_1980 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 In short, you don't. Breaking up is always a bad experience. Especially for the dumpee. But staying with him just to save his feeling is just gonna make things worse down the road. If you put things off, the emotion of wanting to leave will grow more and more strong till you just can't take it anymore. If you leave it that long, it will erupt in an argument that has nothing to do with your happiness and he will be confused and even more hurt. You need to just sit him down and say listen, I'm afraid that we can't see each other anymore....[fill in your reason here].
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 No matter what, it is going to hurt him. Though, you can make it easier on him by being honest, and making sure he knows he has done nothing wrong. Give him respect and understanding, and help him get closure if he needs it. But, once it's done you cannot be friends with him. That will be too painful for him to deal with. One can't get over a loss like that when the person who dumped you is still in your life.
magichands Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 But, once it's done you cannot be friends with him. That will be too painful for him to deal with. You don't need to stop being his friend - as long as you make it clear to him that it will never be more than this (meaning that you make sure that you never cross the line). I don't go around making decisions for other people. That's for him to decide. But don't be overly surprised if he can't handle it.
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 as long as you make it clear to him that it will never be more than this (meaning that you make sure that you never cross the line). She can tell him that all she wants, but he (and his heart) may not 'understand' that concept, especially if he is inlove with her. Maybe in time, they could be friends again, but so soon afterwards, it won't be easy. He'll still take things out of context etc and have hopes. I think we've all been in that situation, especially if the heart hasn't caught up to the mind, and the reality that the relationship is indeed over.
nicki Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 When you break up with him, be sure to tell him that you still find him attractive, sexy, funny and smart.....it's just that you don't see things working out long term. That will protect his ego. Be vague, keep it short and sweet. Give him a hug. Let him cry, react. Just listen. Remember, he is just figuring it all out now. You've had lots of time to think it over. Give him 15 minutes or so, then leave. Ask him if he wants to get his stuff now or later. Give him an option, so he has some control. If he asks questions, then you can give him more specifics. But be sure to keep the language in terms of "we." As in, "We don't seem compatible." Or keep it in "I," as in "I need to be on my own right now." Even if it is true, don't say "Your penis is too small, " or "I've met another man and he is soooo amazing." Be sure to be firm and to let him know that you will NOT change your mind. So, don't give any reasons that might change in the future...like, "I'm very busy with my job right now." He might think you will be less busy in a few months and hold out hope. Make sure he has NO hope. That's the kindest thing to do. He will be able to grieve, and move on faster. I wouldn't offer the friends card out yet. I think it's mean. He's going to be heartbroken. You could call him or text him in a few weeks to see how he is doing and tell him then that if he could ever be just friends with you to call you sometime....but don't be surprised if he doesn't call....until he gets over you, he will want more than friends....and that will confuse both of your lives and future relationships. I would probably send him a text message the day after you break up with him and just say "I'm so sorry I've hurt you." Anyway, just a few suggestions that have worked for me. Everyone is different though. Good luck....
roxy_1980 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I'm sorry Nicki, but I think you're wrong..... That much follow-up will in itself make him think that there is some glimmer of hope. She needs to break it off clean and then let him grieve the relationship. No texting "I'm sorry", no calling in a week or two to re-establish the friendship. Clean break. If they really should be friends there will opportunity later on I'm sure, but like give the guy some no contact time. Give him time to find someone else. It's been said many times "You don't really get over someone, until you find someone else."
IpAncA Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 The more I know my boyfriend, the more I feel he and I aren't compatible at all. I don't think this relationship will work out, so I want to end it. The problem is, my boyfriend is still passionately in love with me. I don't want to hurt him. Although I no longer have romantic feelings for him, I still regard him as my close friend. What can I do? How to dump someone without hurting him? You can't dump someone without hurting them unless they want to break up too. All you can do it try to say it in a nice way.
nicki Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Yeah, Roxy, I see what you mean....that might give the guy hope anyway, and hurt him more, maybe just when he was getting over the whole deal. Anyway, I'm still glad I texted a guy I broke up with and said "Sorry I hurt you." He said it meant a lot. He said he couldn't stand to think that I just stopped caring about how he felt. But, I still wouldn't have allowed it to turn into more frequent contact. Breaking up is so hard for everyone involved.
fairie87 Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 The more I know my boyfriend, the more I feel he and I aren't compatible at all. I don't think this relationship will work out, so I want to end it. The problem is, my boyfriend is still passionately in love with me. I don't want to hurt him. Although I no longer have romantic feelings for him, I still regard him as my close friend. What can I do? How to dump someone without hurting him? I don't know how long you've been together, but i understand what you mean. I recently tried to become just friends with my boyfriend, but he wouldn't allow it (not in a bad way, he was just devastated that i didn't want to be with him). supposedly he had told a friend of mine that he tought he was in love with me, and as soon as i heard that i knew i didn't feel the same way. how do you tell a guy that you're not in love with him? I've been recently informed that a man in love who has been dumped often hurts more than a woman in a similar situation--he just handles it differently. My advice to you would be to end it as amicably as possible, even though he will still hurt. However, let me inform you, i'm being very hypocritical at the moment and i admit it. My boyfriend didn't want things to end, so to save him the heartache (even though i am somewhat unhappy now), i told him if we don't separate and become friends, then we will enter the stage between friendship and full-on dating. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm sorry i haven't helped much, and your probably thinking, "why did i read this?" but i hope in the end you make the decision that is best for you. Yes he will hurt no matter what happens, but a man may come and go, but you'll be with you forever.
hindsfeet Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 breakin up always sucks no matter what. even when it is mutual. depending on how bad he has it for you, consider what would be worse. to cut his brakelines and have him get in an accident, go into a coma, and come out with amnesia. or to just tell him straight up. i know not a good illustration but no matter what. it is going to hurt. on a serious note, the earlier you do it the safer ( not the brake thing but break up thing) the longer you wait, the more its gonna suck for both of you. hes gonna be hurt bc of how he feels about you and your gonna be hurt bc you know how he feels. the sooner you do it, there will be less emotional attachment to it as opposed to waiting 6 months later. holidays are coming up and if your together during that, he's gonna be into you more. if your done, your done.
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