Breaking up diary

[sister2]

Day 2

 

Yesterday I broke up with my MM.

 

I met him 5 years ago, when I was married myself and my marriage of 15 years was not working. I was a very troubled person then, just getting out of a depression, with very little self esteem and very much fear that I was too old and 'home made' to be attractive to anybody.

 

He swept me off my feet with his open admiration. He made me laugh and feel young and attractive again. I thought - I should try and have sex with this man - may be I will not feel VERY embarrassed.

 

And I tried. This has changed my life. My depression has dissolved very quickly - perhaps it was caused by sex deprivation. My husband was not very physical for the previous 5 years.

 

I also believed in myself again, became more like my old self I was before and in the early years of my marriage. I realized that my husband was not treating me right and what more - I was not treating him right. I realized that he was not the kind of man I needed. We both changed in 15 years and became quite alien to each other. I decided to end my marriage.

 

It took me another year to think things through and pluck up all my courage and "pop the question". We were separated for 1 year and then he agreed to divorce.

 

All that time my MM was very supportive. He was a great mate and a great lover. He was also a very lonely man. You know this story - no sex with his wife, stays at home only for children sake, will make some decisions when his boys finish school. They were in a private school and he was struggling to pay the fees.

 

So in 2003 I became a free woman and I had a man in mind - my MM. He changed a lot with me - became more open, happier, more active in his business. He helped me to start my business and introduced me to a great hobby and a whole club of friends. In short - he helped me and I helped him.

 

By November 2004 my MM and me were doing business together, both participated in the same sport and were very much in love, spending more time together every year, fantasizing about how we could do things together "if..."

 

That was when his youngest finished year 12.

I said: "Now you can sort out your marriage"

He said: "I am not ready to break everything."

He said: "I have a lot to consider."

He said: "I need time to do things properly."

He even said: "I feel like you are pushing me off a cliff."

But he also said: "Please don't leave me, give me some time."

 

I said: "When are you planning to sort things out?"

After much deliberation and arguing he said: "Early next year"

 

Since then our life was not easy. It was hard for me to wait. It was hard for him to endure my questions and my tears.

 

In February 2005 I broke up with him first time. We both felt very bad. He was away for 10 days and I had a very frightening breakdown - could not sleep, could not digest food, just like when I had my depression. I had to call him and take my words back - I could not afford to fall apart. I have 4 children myself and have to manage my household and business no matter what. He was very happy to come back and started going to a self-development course to find a solution to his situation. There was no "pushing off the cliff" any more.

 

He changed a lot that year - became more honest about himself and was finally facing his marriage problems. He still asked me to wait: "Do not quit 5 minutes before midnight" - were his words in July 2005.

 

In November 2005 it was still not midnioght yet.

I started Internet dating and told my MM about it. Insidentally he moved out of his house a week later. He was heartbroken and devastated to leave his sons (19 and 21 then) and his home. But he did it!

 

He immediately told me that he was very angry about my Internet dating. I was only too happy to quit!

I had some reservations though, I asked him: "What if you go back?"

He said: "I won't. It was too hard to make this decision, I am not going back."

 

Well... He went back in July 2006, so he could look after the house while his wife was overseas. By that time he promised me that he would make a decision one way or another by the end of August. When his wife came back, he stayed there so that he had an opportunity to talk to her and sort things out. He went to a councelor as his wife has requested, and later they went to that councelor together. By the end of August everybody was exhausted - he of being analysed, I of watching this process. I guess the wife and the councellor were exhausted too, because nobody raised the question of "more councelling".

 

Early September I asked my MM: "What is your decision?"

No decision. He decided not to make any decision just yet. He asked me to wait. He could not say for how long or what the decision would be. He was getting more depressed every week, burried himself in business and our business went well.

 

Early October I asked the same question.

And had the same answer.

 

I guess there is a limit to any waiting. I hope we remain friends and run our business successfully together. I love him very much and would love to have him if he was available.

 

I think I am stronger then I was in 2005. I also get strength from the thought that I am doing a right thing - for his wife's, his and my own benefit. After all, by staying at home he did make a decision, though he does not see it this way.

 

Well, I managed 2 days so far...

 

I will need all support I can get

[greeneyes78]

Love your story... thanks for sharing. I wish it didn't end the way it did, but who says that it's over -- not to plant any ideas in your head or give you any hope.

 

You'll probably get replies where people say that it was to be expected, because all MM are liars and cheaters and always come back running to their wives. Try not to take it all too seriously. People come to our lives for a reason... sometimes it's to teach us a lesson, sometimes it's to help us or to get help from us. When that "mission" is accomplished and there's no other purpose for the two of you to stay in each others' lives, the relationship deteriorates.

 

It sounds like this man helped you tremendously and I can see how/why you're so emotionally attached to him and the idea of the two of you being together. Something that I've learnt over the years, however, is that one can't built their happiness on a relationship or another human being. If my partner, boyfriend, husband, or whoever is the reason why I'm happy, then I'm putting a whole lot of power in hands of another. If, God forbid, he walks away, what happens to my so called "happiness" and more importantly, was I really HAPPY or was I just needy while my needs were met by this person?

 

Someone once said that happiness is a journey, not a destination. That's why the posts about happy endings of an affair made me giggle a little. I mean, if the OW or BS is not a happy person, there's never a happy ending to anything... besides, relationships have no "ends", even if the physical contact is gone, they continue on evolving in our brains and in our hearts. How many stages of break up one has to go through before you can say "I'm over him (or her)"? Then years later, whether this relationship was happy or not, is just a perception.

 

I don't know if my ramblings will help you in any way. I've been where you are... not with a MM, but it doesn't really matter. Now I'm single and focusing on myself. I'm single by choice and until I can say that I'm 100% content with myself by myself (I'm about 90% there ), I'm not getting into another relationship.

 

Good luck!!

[Seen_It_All]

You're absolutely correct - how much of your life do you let slip by, living HALF a life, while HE'S living a life and a half?

 

How much more time? Another year? Another two years?

 

Admittedly, you're absolutely NO FURTHER ALONG than you were 5 years ago. 5 YEARS of your life that you can't get back. With nothing to show for it. Except for some good memories (probably more BAD than good, though).

 

Good to see you've finally decided to put YOURSELF first for a change. The simple truth is that he's NOT leaving. Thank God you've faced that.

 

His kids are NOT little dependents - they're young adults. So he doesn't have that to deal with. He's choosing NOT to leave because he simply doesn't want to. Period.

 

I sincerely hope you don't fall back into the trap of letting your life pass you by while existing so he can have it all.

[whichwayisup]

The problem is, if you allow yourself to still be in his life as his OW, nothing will change. He will have both you and his wife meeting ALL his needs.

 

If he truely is unhappy with his marriage and his life at home he WILL do all that it takes to get a divorce. So far his words are the opposite of actions.

 

Try your best to emotionally detach from him. Surround yourself with good friends, your kids and family.