PurpleFlowers Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I had an affair for two years (over two years) and now I just terrible about myself about it - I turned into a pathetic liar and cheater and betrayer and I feel awful.... his wife knows who I am and some of what happened - she glares at me when i see her on the street (and becuase i live in a small town i see her all the time).... I am no longer with her husband and she has divorced him also - now I want to ask her for peace... I was thinking i would write her a letter - just very short and simple - telling her I am sorry and ashamed and dont take what I did lightly - do you guys think this is a good idea? Or will I just be further intruding into her life?
Author PurpleFlowers Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 His marriage fell apart soon after we started seeing each other. We continued to see each other for two years.... and now it has been over for several motnnhs - his marriage is also over... long story and it was pretty much a horrible disastrous experience all around for everyone... Now I want to make amends - or at least apologise to her and tell her I am ahsmaed and sorry for betryaer her and liaing and cheating on her. For huritn a woman that i dont even know so much - i feel awful!! If I write her a simple note letting her know that I am sorry and ashmed do you think i am just further intruding on her life and again being selfish?
alphamale Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 If I write her a simple note letting her know that I am sorry and ashmed do you think i am just further intruding on her life and again being selfish? you've already done enough damage....let sleeping dogs lie.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 His marriage fell apart soon after we started seeing each other. We continued to see each other for two years.... and now it has been over for several motnnhs - his marriage is also over... long story and it was pretty much a horrible disastrous experience all around for everyone... Now I want to make amends - or at least apologise to her and tell her I am ahsmaed and sorry for betryaer her and liaing and cheating on her. For huritn a woman that i dont even know so much - i feel awful!! If I write her a simple note letting her know that I am sorry and ashmed do you think i am just further intruding on her life and again being selfish? As long as you are aware by doing this, it could lead to her wanting to talk to you. Maybe she has questions she needs to ask so she can find out more information. Just know that she is going to be angry. With that being said, you taking responsibility for your part in the affair with her husband is a good thing. Maybe it will help her to know that you are very sorry and regret it happening. I hate to ask this, but are you hoping that by doing this, the MM will come back to you at some point? Or is it completely over between the two of you as well. Because if you have ANY hope for you and the MM to get back together, do NOT contact her.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I had an affair for two years (over two years) and now I just terrible about myself about it - I turned into a pathetic liar and cheater and betrayer and I feel awful.... his wife knows who I am and some of what happened - she glares at me when i see her on the street (and becuase i live in a small town i see her all the time).... I am no longer with her husband and she has divorced him also - now I want to ask her for peace... I was thinking i would write her a letter - just very short and simple - telling her I am sorry and ashamed and dont take what I did lightly - do you guys think this is a good idea? Or will I just be further intruding into her life? I will ask this as well, did they have children together? It is good that you are sorry for what you did, and I hope someday soon you are able to forgive yourself and find happiness.
Joelle Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Leave it alone, unless you had a friendship with the wife. In that case, you may owe her an apology. Consider your guilt the penance for your behavior. Hopefully, at some point, you will forgive yourself. Your behavior doesn't deserve a life sentence. Truthfully, I think that will give you peace - you forgiving yourself, not the wife forgiving you. Also, honestly, I think that wife is immature for glaring at you. A divorce occurred. The marriage is over. Why isn't she moving on?? Oh well.
SortingItOut Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I think it's nice of you to think of this, and there's a good chance she will be receptive to it. Keep it as short and simple as your post. No need to give her ugly details, she's already divorced him. No excuses or justifications. Maybe after you've made this token amends you will start to feel less pathetic and awful. I hope she will stop glaring at you, but she's clearly still hurting. I received an apology from OW and it did help. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Also, honestly, I think that wife is immature for glaring at you. A divorce occurred. The marriage is over. Why isn't she moving on?? Oh well. I don't think it's immature of his ex-wife to be doing this. She lost her husband due to his cheating and the OW having an affair with him! Sorry, but she has every right to feel angry and upset. Even if they are divorced now. Besides, who knows how long ago this happened, I mean if they've only been divorced for a month or so, the pain probably is still very fresh! Just because someone gets a divorce from their cheating spouse, doesn't mean the pain and loss of their marriage goes away really quickly.
Author PurpleFlowers Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 No, they had no children. There seaparted shortly after he started seeing me. (like six weeks) They are divorced now and it is over with me and him.... we ended it for reasons that had nothing to do with her.... it just did not work out for usi n the end.... we were not compatible. There is no chance I would get back with him - it is over and that is fine... i dont hate him - i just dont want him in my life either! He maintains that he wanted to get divorced and just did not know how to end it - he admits that he kind of used me to get her to dump him so he would not have to go the dirty work!! Regardless, the only reason I would write her a simple note is to let her know that I do feel badly that she was so hurt. I just want to tell her I am sorry and feel badly that I participated in hurting someone - she is welcome to ask me questions if she wants... at this point i have nothing to hide - i wont haunt her with details - if she just wants to yell at me for an hour or so that is fine too - I wish we could just all stop feeling bad and hurt. if anyone rading this is starting an affair - get out now. it is just painful for everyone and never ever ends well.
Romeo Must Die Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I think it would be alright. You know purpleflowers, it's never too late to apologize. The only kind of letter I am opposed to is OW's tell-all letter. It has cruel intentions and it serves no legitimate purpose. I also live in a small town with xOW and I know exactly what you are talking about. It's awkward. Not only do I get menacing glares, she follows me in her car and she gives me the finger every chance she gets. I drive a high profile car and sometimes I wish I had a beater so I can feel normal again. More than anything I wish I could go back to the point in time when I didnt know she existed. A month ago I was going to the post office and her car appeared out of nowhere. I hesitated because I thought she might pull out in front of me and she hollered, "Why don't ya learn how to drive Romeo!" I simply ignored her, but it's hard to do that sometimes. She doesnt pull that with my husband, just with me.
Author PurpleFlowers Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 that is so bezarre to me romeo - that she give YOU attitude!!! I am defintily the guilty one here.... she was just living her quiet safe married life until I came along and spun things up! I feel awful - I was 29 and had a sense of entitlement - now I am 34 and regret hurting someone so much... I was selfish and despaerate and acted like a complete fool!
silktricks Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I don't think an apology is a bad thing. It actually seems like it would be a good thing as long as you are coming from a space that is truly hearfelt, and it certainly sounds like you are. Please do be prepared, however, for her to not take the apology with good grace.
clandestinidad Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 When I first started reading this thread, I was planning on responding with "No, don't apologize...because usually people only fess up and apologize because of their own guilt, not because of how the other person feels." But then I began thinking that not only would it help you move on and not beat yourself up for the rest of your life, but it COULD help her heal as well....as long as your note is worded correctly. Very often people give crappy apologies, not really taking the blame for what they've done by saying things like, "I'm sorry IF YOU WERE HURT", or some other statement that doesnt have much regret in it. Anyway, I think a very short note that says something like this would be good: I was 29 and had a sense of entitlement - now I am 34 and regret hurting someone so much... I was selfish and despaerate and acted like a complete fool! That is a very honest statement to make, and straightforward too. It doesnt come across as justification for what you did, and thats good. I think adding something along the lines of how sorry you are that you hurt her would be good too. But like someone said earlier, make it short. That way it wont get too involved and 'wordy'....then it would seem like its only for YOUR benefit...like you're spilling all your beans to clear up your conscience.
greeneyes78 Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I think that it's a good idea... I think that what you're trying to do is to make yourself feel less guilty and that's perfectly fine and acceptable, especially since his ex wife might benefit from it too. At the end of the day, we're all human beings... We have egos. You have one, she has one... I have a feeling that the apology will help both.
Dayzie Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I think it's a good idea, it will help you heal and maybe it will help her, maybe not. After I lost my father I was told to write a letter to him and burn it, different situation totally but writing letters helps get a lot out. If you can't send it, at least you wrote it, you know how you feel. but if you really want and need her to know how you feel, send it but don't expect anything in response.
lovernotafighter Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I say it's a good idea...but I'd keep it short and sincere..don't talk about details and trigger her...just a warm honest apology could help you both.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I disagree with some here - you post says "I" feel guilty. You're still focused on your feelings, typical of the WS or OW. You didn't think of the obvious potential for hurt to the other parties involved during the affair and may still not have the best perspective now. Leave it alone. In a small town, if she wanted any contact with you (for an explanation, apology or otherwise), it would be easy for her to find you. Mr. Lucky
stargazer12 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I think it's a good idea, it will help you heal and maybe it will help her, maybe not. After I lost my father I was told to write a letter to him and burn it, different situation totally but writing letters helps get a lot out. If you can't send it, at least you wrote it, you know how you feel. but if you really want and need her to know how you feel, send it but don't expect anything in response. I personally think it is a very nice gesture, but somehow, I think that it will accomplish nothing. Just a feeling that I have, I hope that I am wrong, but from the description that you give , I believe that it will only increase her anger.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I think if the OP is of a religious nature, formal apology might indeed be the thing to do. The idea of seeking forgiveness is widely recognized in many religious formats. For example, in the Catholic Church, one would 'confess' and then do the prescribed 'penance'. And even in secular programs, like the Twelve-Step Program in AA, one would offer apology for earlier transgressions. The idea that 'redemption' is available to EVERYONE is a good one. And seeking it in an active way provides a more solid recognition of the desire to achieve it. I agree with the other poster's who have warned against the 'expectation' that the BS will respond in a positive way. But really, that's not as important to the OP as the knowledge that she, herself.... tried. Depending on the legal ramifications, I would however, advise caution on admissions that could lead to civil suit. It's probably best to keep the apology short and simple.
jmargel Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Though what you did was wrong IMO I don't believe *you* caused the divorce to happen. Such as he said he's been wanting one for awhile and kind of used you to make it happen. He's the one that should be feeling this amount of guilt. Sounds like there were quite a bit of problems before you came into his life so you aren't all to blame for this. Writing a letter might help resolve some questions she has but don't do it to relieve yourself of guilt, to me that's being selfish. Do it to give her the opportunity to help herself. As well you need to close this chapter in your life and move on. To stop being haunted by what has happened in the past. You have learned from this experience on what is important and by taking this as something you've learned from is something positive. No one is perfect, you, me nor anyone else on here. We've all made mistakes and we'll continue to. We are only human. Even saints have sinned at some point in their life. Forgiving yourself doesn't means you are letting yourself get away with whatever it was you did. It means allowing yourself to start over in certain areas of your life. By doing this you will allow yourself to pursue happiness again.
Guest Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 one of the hardest things to do in this situation is to not think of yerself but the people you hurt...when u are making that decision try not to think about how hurt u are but the other one..and before that..think about how well u know the person - would tell want that? would it help heal? i guarenttee you that if it helps the other heal it would do the same for u. now, the trickie part. u must wait some time. do not do it right away but do not also hide. do not have it kept a secret, let out a trail balloon and step back and let the smoke clear then u can do that with greater certainty that angry feelings have been initiately released. now, the most important part...do u write a letter or do it face to face....i for one have always written a letter and it has always been a bad choice. it never fully captures what u mean and is limited and a little clinical. i have written so many mistakes i am surprised women even talk with me. lol. no, i think face to face is the best because you are not hiding behind anything - words or buildings. it shows courage and respect and no-one can dishonour that. it even doesn't have to be an apology...especially if the issues have been aired. it could simply be a coffee and a boston cream at an out door cafe, mid afternoon and simply talking like two adults that screwed up and are showing that they have grown and care. it sounds simple, and i know i could do such a thing but not everyone can. any time i see someone i was once with, when i see them in person - i am filled with the joy of who that person is...that is unstoppable.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I had an affair for two years (over two years) and now I just terrible about myself about it - I turned into a pathetic liar and cheater and betrayer and I feel awful.... his wife knows who I am and some of what happened - she glares at me when i see her on the street (and becuase i live in a small town i see her all the time).... I am no longer with her husband and she has divorced him also - now I want to ask her for peace... I was thinking i would write her a letter - just very short and simple - telling her I am sorry and ashamed and dont take what I did lightly - do you guys think this is a good idea? Or will I just be further intruding into her life? I definately agree with many of the other posters, you have accepted your responsibility for the affair which tells me you are a good person who just made a terrible mistake. I think it would be a good thing for the wife as well as yourself to send her a letter like this and would probalbly help both of you get over this thing a lot quicker. It's good to see people take responsibility for their actions, you should consider yourself a better person for that at least. Regards,
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