A note for other burned spouses and other women

[lasan]

I am not entirely sure if this should go here or the other forum. There just seems to be a concentration of burned spouses here (Why I have no idea since this is a om/ow board...of course who am I to talk I read here too lol)

 

I have been reading the fairly bitter replies to OM/OW the past couple days. When I was a BS I was bitter too. But then I realized a couple things. As much as I was mad at the OW, I needed to me more angry at my WS. He had been feeding them the "oh my wife doesn't touch me, she spends all my money, and all I want is a little affection" line (what was really going on was he stopped touching me, he blew all of his money and ruined his credit and almost mine too, and I was the one that wanted a little affection) . That's for the ones that he even admitted he was married to. I would not go so far as to say the OW were all unwitting participants (although some were). My personal philosophy is if I want to cheat, my relationship is most likely over and I will discuss it frankly with who I am seeing. Not everyone does that. Sucks to be them. Sucks to be the people around them. Everyone deserves honesty. Even if it hurts. Even if it means you are going to lose out on your lifestyle. I realized that I was holding myself partially to blame for the demise of my marriage. I had to sit back and take an objective look. Was I partially to blame? Was I filling my spouses needs? (Sadly I wasn't as his need was to sleep with as many people male or female as he could) When I sat and looked back....and looked over the whole relationship.... I could in good conscience say that I contributed nothing to my spouse being, Well a Ho-bag.

 

Once I did that, I could let go of my hatred, my need to bash Other Women. It really wasn't about me at all, it was about him. I couldn't change him. I can only change myself and make myself a better person. I don't even think all cheaters are bad people. Selfish sometimes, but they aren't pure evil incarnate. (Some cheaters are very bad people, if I took the time to write my whole story out you all would probably reccomend me to therapy and organize a lynch mob for him. A couple years later he apologized for what he had done, but it didn't make a difference I had already found peace.)

 

He left me high and dry. He painted me to be that bad guy. Some people even believed it. I found out that alot of people knew about his various affairs. I found out he had put all sorts of bills in my name. He had children with other people. He even used 9-11 as an excuse to be gone (military) but he was out with other women. So I know pain and devistation. It took me 4 years to repair all of the financial damage.

 

But you know what? I am still the better person for all of it. The truth eventually comes out in the end. He is in the process of another divorce, and by now everyone knows what he had really done. I hope he finds peace and love. Real love. Alot of you say that what these people are feeling isn't real love. I even agree. Some of them probably aren't in love, but infatuated. But who am I to judge? How can I possibly know what is in someone elses heart?

 

Other Women...You already know you shouldn't be in an affair but somehow you are. My advice to you is to let your guy know it's either their spouse or you. Don't allow them to be cakemen. Don't always believe every word that is coming out of the MM mouth. yes, some men are married to the evil witch wife. Some men aren't and want to keep you on the side. Guard your hearts. If he really loves you, he will be with you. That's it. He won't string you along for years and months.

 

To everyone: I wish you peace. I was able to find peace with my situation after much thought. No matter what side you are on, Don't your time being angry. There is so much more to life. Trust me I know, I have been there, done that.

[Joelle]

Nice post, Lasan. Thanks for sharing.

[BUTAFLY]

Lasan,

I am thrilled to see you have found peace of mind and in your heart. I hope that others can strive to be in the same place your in.

 

I too understand some here may be stuck in the stage of hurt and resentment and blame outside sources for thier marital troubles or even OW blaming W's for supposingly "making MM mirerable". When someone is this hurt, they have a one only see what they think is the problem. I am estacic that you get it. Albeit, there maybe contributing factors, but It's the WS that is the Problem. Good for you.

[outofdarkness]

Thank you so much for sharing this..It really summarizes many things for OW and W...I am sorry if my posts as the W of a cheater are not appropriate for this forum. My hope is that the other posters will open up and be honest with me if something seems out of line...Thanks again...I continue to learn much from this forum and hope that it's still ok for me to observe and occasionally participate. Blessings

[BenThereDunThat]

Wonderful post, lasan. I hope it stays on top for a while, everyone should read it.

[lasan]

Thank you for your replies.

 

The people who could benefit from this are probably too angry still to really want to read and understand this post. Some people never get over their hurt. I feel sorry for them. After spending the past couple day reading page after page of these threads I just thought I would put in my 2 cents.

[Ladyjane14]

Your initial post, really was a very nice one, Lagan.

 

However, I do believe that there's sometimes a very common misconception in this particular section that if we do not agree with or "support" an OW/OM's position, that our impetus is bitterness. While it's true that some responses are based completely on emotionalism and the negative feelings experienced by the betrayed.... it's not true of all.

 

There are some folks who respond here who have never known what it is to be a betrayed spouse, and others (like me) who no longer define themselves by those feelings.

 

While it's true that this section is more likely to see the occasional rabid post (usually by a "Guest"), every board here at LS is going to have members calling bullsh*t when they see blatent examples of rationalization. There are behaviors discussed daily in the OW/OM forum that don't add up to common sense in mainstream opinion.... ie. 1+1=3. People are naturally going to respond with their own experience and their own brand of "common sense". But that is the BEAUTY of this board when you compare it to others. Any given situation can be picked up, turned upside down, and viewed from every angle.

 

I think the thing for OWs to remember is that it does take a bit of time to compose a response, and that most folks who take that time are doing so by virtue of the goodness in their hearts. People like WWIU spring to mind here. In other cases, there's an 'ignore user' feature that's easy to utilize, and a 'report' feature which can be used when posters are 'over the top' and in opposition of the TOS.

[lasan]

Lady Jane- I understand what you are saying completely. I am not referring to the posts that are dissenting posts from what an OW/BS may wish to hear. I am refferring to the just plain rude and nasty posts that are being made by both sides.

[yousaveme]

I think its best that instead of attacking one another to remember that for whatever reason we are all here to learn and support each other.

 

I'm sure we can all learn and help each other out. If we want to...

[lasan]

I agree Outofdarkness. I personally have already learned my lesson about these topics.(What works for me anyway). It is my opinion that instead of focusing on the OW/BS, the people involved should be working on the WS.

 

I have a friend who is also a BS. She frequently complains that the OW took her husband away. My opinion on this is not that the OW took anyone away, the WS chose to leave. The WS is responsible for his/her own decisions. It is not anyone elses fault. There may be contributing factors but in the end it is up the WS to decide if they are going to be faithful or not.

 

I started reading on this forum a little while ago. I started on the last page and worked my way forward to the present. So many situations reminded me of my own. I remember one post an OW was in love with a married man that had decieved her. I felt her pain. I remember having to tell a woman my spouse had decieved that he was married and that he had lied to her. I could see and feel her pain. I could have reached out and touched it, it was so tangible. I hope that she is doing well as I never heard from her again. I am sure that she loved him.

 

I still pretty much stand by what I said. OW if the person you are seeing really wants to be with you, He will come be with you. He won't give you empty promises. He will be open and honest with his spouse about what is going on and he won't keep you a secret.

 

BS's, If your spouse cheated, All I can reccomend is forgiveness. I am not saying don't be angry. Don't let your anger eat away at you. Take a good honest assessment of what is going on. See how it got to that state. Listen to what your spouse has to say. You can either accept it, work on it and move on, or you can reject it, and move on. I think the most important part though is the moving on. Don't waste your life being stuck on the affair itself. That being said, Don't be a doormat. I was a doormat. I allowed my spouse to walk all over me. I wish I would have taken a real honest assessment of my relationship with him in th e beginning instead of at the end when everything was said and done.

 

I keep posting because I can empathize with alot of people here, and I hope they can find the peace I have. I doubt everyone will be able to do it like I have, but I hope someone can find what I have to say about this useful. My life is so much better since I have let go.

[NoIDidn't]

Lasan

 

I totally respect what you are trying to say. I just don't see a lot of lashing out. I, for one, tend to ignore the Guest posters as you can't tell one from another.

 

I don't see the BW bashing the OW. Quite honestly, I see the opposite. The constant digs at the betrayed as "bitter". That is so unnecessary. The OW in many instances has been taught to hate the W they are helping to betray. And this attitude is on full display in this forum on a regualr basis. But I digress.

 

Since this forum is part of a family of forums that is open to anyone to post in, I think everyone here shuld expect to hear many dissenting opinions - even bashing (which is obviously is left up to perception).

 

Just my 2 cents.

[lasan]

Keep in mind I started on the last page of threads and worked my way forward. After going through that many threads, that was my peception. Either way, I am not digging at anyone. I am just telling people how I got through it.

[Guest]

please tell me what...BS and all those things stand for...and i will tell you why i would be one of those that rants on the best friend

 

because it is an unwriten rule to not covet something that is simply with another...yes, it was her that made the decision but she has never been 100% sure of what she wants - it changes all the time and i tried to catch her going from pole to pole...why i rant at him is simply because what he did is the ultimate in self centred behaviour - he took information given in confdidence about my relationship, her and me health, new the weak spot and where he could strike, because he simply couldn't have a child with another, and had heard and seen all the great stories on mine, and he knew about my V, about how i was feeling she was treating me - to use all of that, to trick his way into her heart and listen to me as i described my fall into hell, is truly the worst behviour any human can do...it is taking adventage of two loving souls - knowing they are good and kind and filling a void at the expense of others...i am sorry but to me...there is nothing worse than that...he would have been kinder to simply put a bullet thru my head...i have truly never felt hatred in my life and i thought i ddi for him...but i just feel nothing - there is not human there...now, to the woman who left me for such a creature...u will always see him in the way he presented himself...and u are allowed to choose and live life as u please...i can't fault you for doing what u did - only for being unable to simply lessen someone pain - i honestly wish u both happpiness but the union of two who are brought together in such a way will surely discover that what u both did to be together - how u treated lovers, family and friends, for the sole purpose of the self means that any self improvement will come up against that - and how do u become better when u are living with that. i hope u find a way.

[MarkhamSister]

I came to this forum hoping for some support and understanding from OW/OM. After my first posting, to which I received a very helpful reply, I started reading some other threads and I was shocked by the amount of angry BWs who think that this is an appropriate place for them to pass judgment, and I've been afraid to post again for fear that I would become their next target.

 

Lasan, I appreciate your remarks. It sounds like you have done a lot of difficult work, and I give you great credit for that.

 

That being said, I don't believe that the proof of my MM's love would be him leaving his home for me. In fact, I don't want him to leave his children. He is a loving father, and that is part of what I love about him. I'm hoping he and his wife can find a place where they can understand each other enough that they can raise their children together amicably without pretending their relationship is something it's not anymore. That will be a challenge, and I'm not sure exactly what's going to happen in our relationship, but that's where he's trying to get to with her right now.

 

Do I hate his wife? No. I feel sorry for her that she has no idea what a wonderful man she is married to, that she won't listen when he says he's not happy and tells him that his unhappiness is his problem. I've known him for years, and have known about his marital strife as long as I've known him, so I know this isn't a line he's feeding me.

 

I give him what he gives me: unconditional love, friendship and affection. Why should I be hated for giving him what he doesn't get at home?

 

I've turned this into a little bit of my own personal rant... I really appreciate the sentiments you expressed and I wish that the burned spouses who read here will take it to heart before they post.

[lasan]

That being said, I don't believe that the proof of my MM's love would be him leaving his home for me. In fact, I don't want him to leave his children. He is a loving father, and that is part of what I love about him. I'm hoping he and his wife can find a place where they can understand each other enough that they can raise their children together amicably without pretending their relationship is something it's not anymore. That will be a challenge, and I'm not sure exactly what's going to happen in our relationship, but that's where he's trying to get to with her right now.

 

Do I hate his wife? No. I feel sorry for her that she has no idea what a wonderful man she is married to, that she won't listen when he says he's not happy and tells him that his unhappiness is his problem. I've known him for years, and have known about his marital strife as long as I've known him, so I know this isn't a line he's feeding me.

 

I give him what he gives me: unconditional love, friendship and affection. Why should I be hated for giving him what he doesn't get at home?.

 

You shouldn't be hated for it. But I do believe that if he was truly wonderful He would be honest with his wife about what he is doing. I am only vaguely familiar with your thread (I remember reading it but I am fuzzy on details, that happens when you read a couple hundred lol) If you are having sex with him, She deserves to know simply because she is unwittingly having another person brought into their bedroom. I am not saying you are diseased or anything, but how would she know? She deserves the right to make that decision. This opinion also comes from personal experience. My ex never gave me anything, thank God (because now he has something he can't get rid of). But he could have given me something. I believe I deserved the information so I could make an informed choice about whether or not I wanted to risk having sex with him.

[PoshPrincess]

That being said, I don't believe that the proof of my MM's love would be him leaving his home for me.

 

I agree with you here, Markham Sister, although I suppose if any of my friends were in the position I was and asked for my advice I would be pretty harsh too. Unfortunately, not everything's black and white. I know that my ex-MM loves me but he chose to stay in the marital home. He chose his kids, as far as I am concerned and I would never have expected anything less. He kept me a secret (until W found out) because he didn't want to hurt them, although I am sure he was trying to protect his W too. Yes, I know he was lying to everyone (possibly even me in some respects) but he was never a bad person.

 

I'm hoping he and his wife can find a place where they can understand each other enough that they can raise their children together amicably without pretending their relationship is something it's not anymore.

 

I see where you're coming from here although I have told my ex-MM that if he is to stay with his W and kids then he should try and make his M work for everyone's sake otherwise what was the point in sacrificing everything we had if he's not going to be happy? I truly hope they can work things out, as I know this is what she wants, although he says their relationship has gone beyond that. I know that they are more amicable than they were as they no longer argue but then again this could be due to indifference.

 

Back to the original post - thanks lasan for sharing your story with us. I don't always see the BW posts as 'bashing' although some are a little harsh (mainly from 'Guests' as has been said!) As they say, the truth hurts, and I do think hearing comments, however negative, from the BW gives us OW a better understanding of the whole sitch. I certainly don't feel resentment towards my ex-MMs W. I do feel sad that she is with someone who isn't happy with her but then again, I don't know what he's telling her, do I? Maybe she thinks everything's ok. Maybe it is. He never blamed her for their failing relationship, just said that things had changed and they were just going through the motions, etc. Maybe it's taken her finding out about me to get their marriage back on track and has made them BOTH realise what they could've lost. At least then something good may have come out of our relationship!

 

As OW we need to be aware that not everything the MM tells us is true either!

[Guest]

lasan,

 

I'm glad that you found understanding in your situation. I truly hope to be there with you one day soon.

 

I came to this forum for OW in an effort to understand their point of view. I think most of us are here because we have been affected by infidelity in some way. I didn't know what to expect since I could never understand how a woman could get involved with a MM. I guess I was hoping to see that these OW had some sort of remorse for their part in deceit. I found some that did, but not many.

 

Most of the OW here want to play victim or gloat about their happy ending. Very few take responsibility and admit that being an OW is wrong. Most, not everyone, have an excuse for why it happened to them. It's the MM fault or I can't help who I fall in love with or his wife doesn't love him and the marriage is over anyway. If the marriage was over, the man would be single.

 

If I have posted in anger, it's because I'm appalled at the justification that some of these OW have for sleeping with a MM. It's a shame that only the minority of OW here have actually learned something from there mistakes.

 

IF OW want BW to respect them, they need to show some respect themselves. When a OW posts about being dumped by a MM, they usually don't say that they are sorry for what they did to the wife. But they expect BW to come here and feel sorry for them. The difference between the hurt that the OW feels and that of the BW is that the OW was well aware of the situation and had the choice to spare herself the pain.

 

OW here anticipate the wrath of the BW so the come out of the box defensive. Asking questions like: Why can't the BW be happy for a OW that gets her man? is an intentional way of upsetting the BW. And then they whine about how BW come here to bash the OW.

 

We BW are here for a reason and that is to understand what goes on in the minds of a OW. What I see here most of the time are woman who either get what they want and expect everyone to be happy for them, or ones who don't get their man and want to blame everyone else.

 

That is why I'm a guest, I don't intend to stay because the OW here are hurtful to the BW and at the same time expect the BW to be respectful to them. I wish everyone happiness, but not at the expense of others.