poodlelover5 Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Well for over a week now I been sleeping on the couch, hoping he would somehow miss me but evidently it's done no good. He still remains refraining from conversation with me and won't talk about any of our problems. I have tried several times this week to talk to him about our marriage but he refuses to do so and if we do start it ends up in an argument. Tonight he came home brought pizza and then surprises me with a dozen of roses? WTH? but yet when I ask him why did he do that (with our bills not being paid) he said "can't I buy my wife flowers to show her I love her"? I told him he can't not buy my love like that. That if he really wanted to show me love to pay the bills here or fix the roof and ceiling in my house that is about to cave in! well that turnt into an argument he left for about 30 min came back went out to his shop and stayed there till like 2:30 in the morning. Befour he left the argument was real heated so I packed him clothes (out of madness) and when he came in tonight to sleep in the recliner, I'm sure he saw them becuz he went through to the bathroom but never said a word to me. I'm confused, I thought maybe he would be glad, and I thought he was waiting for me to do this so he would have an excuse to leave. I asked him would he asked him mom if he could move in with her for awhile till I got on my feet and he never commented oneway or the other. I think he needs sometime away from me and me him to see what this marriage needs. anyway, I don't know wht else to do.
dgiirl Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 You are not the only one confused. I am too. I dont understand what you wish to accomplish? You are sleeping on the couch, you are getting mad at him for buying you flowers in his attempt to make peace, you are packing his bags and asking his mother to take him in. It sounds like you want a divorce? If not, how on earth is this a warm safe environment for your husband to feel he can open up and talk to you? Of course he is refraining from talking about your problems. You just admitted that every time you do, you two end up in an argument. Maybe he doesnt want to argue with you? Maybe instead of destroying the love piece by piece with every argument, he just doesnt want to talk about it? I understand you are stressed about the bills not being paid, but how does getting angry with him when he does something nice fix that situation? It sounds like every small effort he does make to come to you, he's getting the door slammed in his face. Your communication skills need a lot of work. Have you gone to counselling yet? You are doing so much damage right now and I dont think you are going to be able to fix this marriage by yourself. You are so deep into your own pain, your own hurt, your own feelings that you cannot be objective and see how your own actions contribute to others reactions. BTDT. You need an objective party to be able to talk with so that you can see the situation from ALL angles.
Lor Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 just read your first post... Poodlelover, you've got a problem. Sorry to say that but the main problem is in your corner. You've got a chip on your shoulder about your H and nothing he does is good enough. You look for reasons to get into a fight with him, whether you realize this or not. A lot of what you do and your reactions are the same as mine were when I was with my X; he doesn't fix things unless you harp, he argues with the kids, TV is his life, he's ungrateful for what you do, money is tight, he's always too tired..so on and so forth. I'm not saying this to get on your case to or take his side; there are no sides. What I'm doing is to get you to realize your actions, and your reactions. You want the dog kennel fixed? Do it yourself! Its not that hard, pick up a hammer, some nails, and get it done. You can do it yourself, you don't need him to do it, and you'll feel great once its done. The roof needs fixing? Get up in the attic, see where the leak is and get up there and goop the thing; I've done it and it wasn't that hard. He fixed you supper....did you show your appreciation or do you think you shouldn't need to? You should show it, he did it for you because he knows there are problems but in typical men fashion doesn't know how to go about fixing it. He brings you flowers and instead of being appreciative, you tell him we don't have the money. What is he supposed to say? What do you expect him to do? The guy is working 2 jobs, has to be tired, and yet on the days he only works one day and would like to kick back and relax, you get on him for not fixing things around the house? When does he get a break? let me guess, you're saying, when do I get a break? When do I get to relax? He should be doing this no matter what ~ he's the man, it's his job, right? Your job is not to badger, harp and berate, its to be a companion, a helpmate, a supporter, a friend. Relax, quit stressing about the little stuff and realize that you too are causing the strife and the rift between you two. You need to let go of the anger and remember why you fell in love with him, why you want to be with him. What are you doing to turn him on? Do you plan time away for just the two of you? Put candles in the bedroom, ask him to spend time with you, brush your hair and your teeth, put on something slinky and seduce him? Or do you roll over and say, I'm ready.....you need to rekindle the romance. when he brought you the roses, that was him speaking thru actions, just not the actions you want, but actions none the less.
Lor Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Oh, and another thing: You said what mother doesn't stand up for her children 99% of the time? A lot of them. You have put your child before your husband. You need to be supportive of him, let him have a hand in raising the child, and to have a voice. If you don't your child will have no respect for him and will treat him with the same distain you do ~ therefore teaching her that the way you treat him is the way a M is. Do you want her to harp and nag when she gets in a relationship or do you want her to not expect things but to appreciate the effort when its given? A good friend of mine told me this: if you give everything you have to your kids and not your M, when the kids are grown and gone, what will you have? Stop and think about this, re-read it over and over till it sinks in. You need to put your M before your kids. Hard, I know, especially when you don't agree. Its up to you if you want to listen or not.
PWSX3 Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Well for over a week now I been sleeping on the couch, hoping he would somehow miss me but evidently it's done no good. He still remains refraining from conversation with me and won't talk about any of our problems. I have tried several times this week to talk to him about our marriage but he refuses to do so and if we do start it ends up in an argument. Been there done this and it doesn't work. While you are sleeping on the chair what do you think your husband is thinking? My W knew I was mad but didn't know what to do to fix it so she figured I just needed my space and meanwhile I just got more ed in the chair thinking of myself. As for talking do you really set down and talk or argue each others points and try and defend your side? One thing I read that opened my eyes is listen to the other person. I posted it a couple times I think on my post but it says to listen to the other person and then don't get defensive. Figure out why it bothered them because somehow it did. Maybe you don't agree with what they say but try and listen to there side and how they feel. Tonight he came home brought pizza and then surprises me with a dozen of roses? WTH? but yet when I ask him why did he do that (with our bills not being paid) he said "can't I buy my wife flowers to show her I love her"? Could he maybe be trying to show you that he loves you? Sure he knows that the bills need paid if he helps with paying the bills, but this is a way he could "show" you that is loves you? If he put that money into paying a bill what would have you said then? You paid the wrong one, why didn't you do this or that, etc. Just something to think about. I would like to suggest that maybe you pick up a couple books and read them. Try Her Needs, His Needs, or The 5 love lanuages. Sure books aren't the answer but they do help you look at things differently. They aren't that big of a book but they will open your eyes if "YOU" are welling to work on yourself. Sure both of you might need help but start with looking at yourself you will be amazed at how what you do reflex on others I know I have... I wish you the best and if you love him then spend the time and do some readying.
PWSX3 Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I found this on line today and thought maybe it would shed some light on the subject for you since you talked about fighting. Make factual statements about what's bothering you. Use first-person statements, such as, "I'm upset that you didn't call about running late." Broad generalizations that start with "You never..." or "You always..." are never quite true and tend to cloud up the issue.Don't hit below the belt. Hurtful statements about your partner's character, personality or appearance will only bring anger and retaliation.Stick to the subject. It's easy to bring up past issues, old hurts and unrelated problems, but that's not going to resolve the current disagreement.Have a discussion, not a yelling match. When emotions take over, the result is a lot of noise and hurt, but not much problem-fixing progress. Speak in a normal tone of voice and try to express your feelings with first-person statements about how you really feel. Stay as calm and in control as possible. If emotions become too strong, take a break to let things quiet down.Accept that feelings are never right nor wrong, they just are. It isn't possible to judge feelings, but behaviors can and should be judged.Try to pick a good time to disagree. When you're overly angry, rushed or tired, discussing a minor problem can easily result in a major fight. Instead, try to set a time when you're both more likely to be in a better frame of mind and capable of a productive discussion.Clarify any decisions made. If you've been able to settle a problem or find a compromise, take the time to clearly restate what you've both decided and agreed to.No physical attacks! Ever!
Author poodlelover5 Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 Thanks for the replies. Wow- LOR,I think I must go back and re read my post becuz I didn't mean to come off as some Bitchy, always nagging, or a desperate housewife or anything. I love my husband and all these problems started little one-by-one a couple of years ago working their way up to today's problems. I take care of all house chores, I feel I do my part in the household.My House is never dirty, clothes are always taken care of everyday. AND 99% supper is cooked for him when he gets home. And I take care of my girls. I can't fix a kennel becuz I am not very good with that sort of stuff. He has started on one but just never finished. Far as the house roof goes. We have a large,tall A-TOP frame home and even he himself can't hardly go up there to fix it becuz of affraid of heights. (if I could of fixed the roof, believe me this house would of been fixed long ago) I do ALOT of fix it's around here believe it or not becuz I knw he don't have the time to do it. Some stuff though a woman just can't do and need a man to do so. I don't harp all of the time, I really don't. I give him plenty of time to get this stuff fix (It's been over a year with the roof deal) but when one don't care about important things, you can't make them. I learned that the hard way! I was gratefull that he did bring me Roses home last night (I wanted to run into his arms and hugg and kiss him)but the timing is just so wrong. I already lost my vehicle do to repossession and now on the verge of losing my home for non payments. Security plays a BIG part in a marriage. QUOTE": Relax, quit stressing about the little stuff and realize that you too are causing the strife and the rift between you two. You need to let go of the anger and remember why you fell in love with him, why you want to be with him." yes ur so right. I do have tons of anger in me becuz of the continuing lacking responsibilities that he has ignored ,knowing some of these things has to be taken care of by a man. I do what I can but I can't do it all. Our sex life was great till the past year and maybe trying so hard to have a baby destroyed that. I just don't know. He tells me he loves and wants to work this out but his actions speak differently. Even though I packed his clothes..When he left this morning he didn't take them so I take it that he isn't going to leave. (which is fine) I have today to think about things anyway. I was invited by some friends to go to a halloween party tonight,but I 'm not going becuz part of me hopes that he will come home and want to talk this out. Then again it might turn into another argument so I'm not sure wht I will do. I Guess I just want him to be away from me and miss me and realize wht he does have. I am not ugly, a nice looking woman, blond ,pretty good shape for having 3 kids. He needs to STOP being so comfortable in this marriage and realize we have alot to work out. dgiirl--- I do love my husband, and I don't want a divorce. This is why I came here to seek advice and see what I am doing so wrong. I don't think I would ever find another man that treats me like he does. He's good man but just lacks in other departments than need to make a good marriage. QUOTE:"Have you gone to counselling yet? You are doing so much damage right now and I dont think you are going to be able to fix this marriage by yourself. You are so deep into your own pain, your own hurt, your own feelings that you cannot be objective and see how your own actions contribute to others reactions." yes, this is true I think I am damaging the relationship more so becuz I just don't know how to handle this situation. And yes, I have already called about getting canselling. He has agreed also. PWSX3--- thank you for ur info. It helps alot. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]
dgiirl Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 yes, this is true I think I am damaging the relationship more so becuz I just don't know how to handle this situation. And yes, I have already called about getting canselling. He has agreed also. I'm really glad to hear this and I'm glad to hear you are accepting of criticism. Lor explained it much better than I could, but I too know what the "nagging" wife syndrome does. You dont realize it when you are doing it. And since you are so use to being upset over x, you dont realize all the nice things your SO tries to do. So then they feel rejected, and it gets into a never ending cycle. You are sleeping on the sofa, and you are wanting your husband to come into the room and make up with you. He's sleeping in your bed thinking you are really really upset with him because you are not sleeping in your bed and he doesnt have a clue how to approach you without getting his head bit off. You both are pulling further and further away from each other, wanting the other to make the first move because you both are afraid/proud to do it yourself. You are not going to accomplish anything this way but a divorce. If I were you, I would go up to your husband and appologize. No matter how bad things got, you should never have gotten that mad to leave the bed. You should have been able to work through your differences together, and leaving isnt going to resolve anything. I'm glad to hear you are going to counselling, and your husband has agreed too. When do you go?
ilmw Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 PL5... Your husband kinda sounds like what I had become.... well there are some things that were the same... We all have are issues... we all make mistakes.... none of seem to know what the hell we were doing... but know... you are here on LS..... you have opened a door.... You will learn so much on here... some you can relate too.. some will just open your eyes... and some you will just .... WTF:rolleyes: BUT... you will get incite... which I have seen you are already getting... Back to the begining of this post.... give him another chance... he has know clue what the hell is going on.... trust me... he doesn't.... I didn't know how bad...poor... great... my contribution to my own marital break up was.... Now I am here too.... and since I started posting.... I have learned lots too.... plus all the extra reading of relationship books etc... You are here... so take this from a guy... who had no clue... be the person who takes 100% responsibility for your relationship.... step up... go to him... talk to him in plan truths.... language he will understand... (man speak... ) I'd like to add.... its good to see you are both willing to go to counselling.. Now is the time to reverse this momentium of the ever spiralling down of your relationship... It sounds like it is not to late.. Listen... read .... learn...and do... Take care.... ilmw
Lor Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Wow- LOR,I think I must go back and re read my post becuz I didn't mean to come off as some Bitchy, always nagging, or a desperate housewife or anything. We never do, PL! :lmao: You know, I never thought I was bitchy or nagging, just couldn't seem to ever get the point across to Hubby that he needed to do what needed to be done because it needed to be done, not that I wanted it to be done....?? confusing? Hell, ya! Damnit! I said do it and I mean now! Jeez I hate that TV and I hate that chair! You're not lazy; why won't you do what I want? :lmao: I could probably give you lessons. I love my husband and all these problems started little one-by-one a couple of years ago working their way up to today's problems. I take care of all house chores, I feel I do my part in the household.My House is never dirty, clothes are always taken care of everyday. AND 99% supper is cooked for him when he gets home. And I take care of my girls. The problems always start out a little here and a little there, and pretty soon there are more problems and they start to compile, and the bad outweighs the good. I'm not trying to call you a nag or a bitch, just to maybe make you see the other side, make you look at your actions. I loved my H, too, and couldn't see what my nagging, my anger, my griping was doing to him ~ wearing him down. Your H isn't there yet, he knows there's a problem and as a man, he's not sure where to start trying to fix it ~ hence the roses and supper. I used to complain about how I did 90% of the household chores, plus the outside stuff, and took care of the kids. Did I? Yep, and the jungle that was my house shows it....but was it worth the arguing? Nope. I can't fix a kennel becuz I am not very good with that sort of stuff. He has started on one but just never finished. Far as the house roof goes. We have a large,tall A-TOP frame home and even he himself can't hardly go up there to fix it becuz of affraid of heights. (if I could of fixed the roof, believe me this house would of been fixed long ago) I do ALOT of fix it's around here believe it or not becuz I knw he don't have the time to do it. Some stuff though a woman just can't do and need a man to do so. Can I say this without you getting mad? Bullsh*t. How do you know you can't fix a kennel? Have you ever tried? Can you pick up a hammer? Can you hold a board with one hand, nails between your teeth and a hammer in the other and start pounding away? Sure you can! Don't ever say you need a man to do that kind of stuff. don't know how to go about it? Google, baby. It may not be pretty when you're done but it'd be functional ~ isn't that what you want? And you'll have pride in it cuz you've done it yourself. Another hint: the only way I could get my X to get out there and start doing something I needed done was to get out there and start doing it myself. Pretty soon he was beside me, working on it, too. And the best thing to do is to just keep working, no comments, except maybe thanks. The roof? Okay, I'll give you that one... You need to get that chip off your shoulder about what he does or doesn't do. Its extremely detrimental. We can tell you love him, can tell you want to work on your M, or you wouldn't be here. and in his own way, he knows that you're both heading down the road in a bad way. Do the counselling, open your mind to both sides of the situation, not just yours. You're H has a lot of good qualities and right now you're focused on the bad. You need to rediscover the good, and you can't do that sleeping on the couch. PW, great post!! Think I need to keep that!
Lor Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 p.s. I just reread my initial post to you and talk about coming across as bitchy! :lmao: Sorry bout that ~ most will tell you that I am usually very nice but have a tendency to be direct sometimes....... :o (insert bad imitation of Eliza Doolittle) I'm a nice girl, I am!
CryingCanuck Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 p.s. I just reread my initial post to you and talk about coming across as bitchy! Sorry bout that ~ most will tell you that I am usually very nice but have a tendency to be direct sometimes....... Lor too direct? NAW Lor Bitchy? NO Way Lor, you are just being upfront, and honest........................ CC
Ladyjane14 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 If it hasn't been suggested to you yet, try reading through a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It sounds like you recognize love best through Acts of Service which is described in the book. Other 'love languages' would be Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, and Ouality Time. The author's premise is that we feel more loved and appreciated when our partner 'speaks' to us in our particular love language. By recognizing both our own and our partner's 'language', we can give and recieve love in a more supportive way. It's not the final word on marital self-help, but it's a pretty good read, and it'll get you started thinking about what YOU can do to improve the situation.
Lor Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Lor too direct? NAW Lor Bitchy? NO Way Lor, you are just being upfront, and honest........................ CC thanks, CC.....nice way to start off a Monday!
LakesideDream Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Poodlelover5, I'm a man, and maybe I can add a little insight. You sound "overwhelmed". Have you considered that your husband is equally overwhelmed with the problems you sight? Nowhere in your post did you mention your husband out to bars, or clubs. Gambling, or drinking away the family's assets. You say he has two jobs and is working hard to provide for his loved ones. You are upset that there are things around the home that need repair, yet you make no move to repair them. You say you "cannot" that those are "man things". Additionally you take actions that are gaurenteed to alienate your husband. How do you expect those actions to produce the results you desire....? ........ or do you? Sleeping on the counch to withhold affection, regecting then dismissing his attempt to reconcile with dinner and flowers, packing his cloths are all hostile acts on your part. You want him to have "time away from you" to realise he misses you. Is that realistic? Might that time just as likely become time to realise that he isn't happy with you? Also, you posted that you always take care of "My Girls" aren't they his girls too..? Or did you bring them with you into your marriage from another relationship? Beware your actions. You may get exactly what you want today, to find out it is a big mistake next month.
Author poodlelover5 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 Wanted to thank everyone here for all the advice.. me and my husband are now going to counseling and it's going well for us both. Turns out I went to the doctor with my husband on Tuesday and he had a very bad prostate infection , Has to tale heavy med for over 3 weeks,so this was full reason why he never wanted to touch me anymore becuz he just plain out hurt down there... I wish he had of told me.. but anyways.. Glad I know the truth now. We are doing great and trying to rekindle our relationship and we will continue to get counseling. He is working on getting the things fixed around the house so everything is great. thank u all.
Gunny376 Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 No! Its not! PL? Glad you and the DH are back, but you need to get pro-active in your marriage. You need to read at least one of each ~ each year! About personal finance And about inter-personal relationships! Guns
dgiirl Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 PL, I'm very happy to hear about your update. Please continue going to counselling and learning to communicate better with your husband Like Gunny says, everyone needs a tune up every year.
Lor Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Oh, PL, that is great news!! :bunny: Don't leave us yet though ~ keep coming on here and giving us updates and such....besides, its amazing how much this place helps, even just to vent and get others perspectives. .......it all comes down to communication....... :bunny: I love a happy ending! :bunny:
ilmw Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 Good for you PL... but like the others said stay proactive... Never think you have arrived... all ways work at it.... like Lor said... please come back and visit.. and let others know of your successes... It can /and will show others that there can be positve change and hope:D
Recommended Posts