Guest Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Met a MM at a conference. I was not looking for anything and I told him that. I have been married for 8 years and never thought about not being happy. I think that I have just been comfortable. Went out with this man, did not know that he was married at the time, had a great time. Went both went home, he called and emailed all the time. At first I did not want to talk to him. In fact, I told him that I was not missing anything in my relationship at home and things were perfectly fine, this was just a one night fling. I was fine with that and was perfectly happy just going back to my regular, comfortable life. He kept pursing me, and I kept talking to him for about a month and during that time, I found out that he was married but something was happening between us. We decided to meet again to see what that was. Within 20 mins of being together, he told me that he loved me and, low and behold, I was in love with him too. We spent the next 24 hours living in this new found love and it was the most amazing thing that I had ever felt. The kind of love that leaves you breathless. I questioned myself, Had I ever been in love before? because I did not know this feeling. This was something that I had always wanted and did not even know it. I am so full of this new feeling that my life at home with my husband has become secondary. But something was holding me back, I worried about his life with his wife and small children. More the children than anything else. I could not live with myself if I knew that I was the reason that these precious souls lost their Daddy! I told him that I thought that it was a good idea that he speak with his wife regarding his loveless marriage and maybe they can work things out. Well, he did and things are getting better for him. We are 2 months into this relationship and he has been becoming distant and telling me that things are going well at home and that he is starting to feel guilty about not being completely engaged in working things out with his wife. He keeps telling me how if he would have never have met me, he would still be in this loveless relationship and be very unhappy and thanks me but at the same time, he tells me how much he loves me and cannot live without me. I am absolutely miserable. It is kind of ironic, I helped him get his life back on track with his wife and family and now my life is completely destroyed. I was perfectly fine before I met him. I had resigned myself to this life and I actually was OK with it. It is that old cliche, What you don't know will never hurt you! Well I am hurting now and I am in love with a man who wants to keep me at arms length just in case things don't work out with his wife and I have a husband that cannot love me the way that I want to be loved. I know that I love this MM, but because of the children, I know that I need to let this go. It is very hard to do that though because my head knows exactly what to do, but every time he tells me he loves me, my heart takes over. Secondly, now I have to make a decision on what to do at home. Now that I know what I really want in my love life, I have to move on. I am so mad at him for doing this to me. I know that he did not twist my arm, but at the same time, why couldn't he have just left well enough alone!!! Help me through this!
FlyingHigh Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Guest- you seem like a smart and intelligent woman. Your short fling/affair was a symptom of what's lacking in your marriage. Your MM loves his wife, always have and rather than continue the affair with you, he wised up and gave his marriage a chance. That's what marriage is all about. You know in your heart that you consciously engaged in an affair that was wrong in the first place. Affair is like a addiction. You fell in love with the fantasy, the same high that you get when a drug addict gets his/her fix. Every time your MM calls, emails, text you and tells you he loves you, that's your fix! Then it wears off. You get depressed and you're looking, hoping and waiting the next time he calls again. Over time, like a drug addict, you eventually perfect the art of lying. You've already started. You'll tell your husband whatever you need to just so you won't get caught. You've got a shot in figuring out WHY you had the affair in the first place. Again, you fell in love with the illusion of a perfect relationship with the perfect and so married man. Do you know the problem with an illusion? It has no flaws. The fact the the guy was married with children, that should've been your deciding factor. You won't be able to hide the truth from your husband. If you have any conscience and self-respect, keeping this truth from your husband will eat you alive. One way or another, he will find out. And if you have any desire to work on your marriage, you will have to come clean one way or the other. Good luck.
outofdarkness Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I agree with FlyingHigh..You are lucky that things with this MM are over, and now you can work on your own M or move on to what it is that you DO want..This is a window of opportunity for you to get into MC or IC. Your life could be stronger and happier then ever before with or without you H..Life is full of lessons learned from hard times, if you can just step back and take a good long look at the past..That high that you felt is just that...a high...I seriously doubt that it was true love, although I do know from being on this forum for awhile now, that this does on occasion happen..Most of the time, esepecially with the short term A's, it is just the feeling that you get that you havn't had in so long with your SO or in your case, your H..I met my H in high school and can still remember that wonderful, just in love feeling. If the M is meant to be, then with much Couns. and hard work and time...lots for time, you can have that with someone else too...Maybe it will be your H, or mabey it will be another, but you CAN have it! Marriages take constant work and nurturing. In time, our children, careers, money, agining parents, etc., take the fizzle out of the sizzle. Please talk to your H, with a MC if possible, and come clean so that you can move on..Your OM is now unavailable. He has decided to stay with his W, and you need to somehow accept this. Good luck and Blessings.
outofdarkness Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I have a consulting business out of my home and don't get out much...My H does and travels on business alot...tell me please, what is the deal with these conferences??? Are they just big pick up opportunities??? I have talked to so many people that have cheated or thought about it w/ people they meet at these...Is it the fact that there is so much booze? I know this lowers your inhibitions...Just curious...I've always wondered..
NotKelly Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Is it ever possible that an affair really CAN give someone a genuine insight that their marriage or current relationship is NOT working and will NEVER work? Don't get me wrong. I don't think it's a good idea to have affairs with MM's. But I hear the recurring theme so often: Go back to your husband! Work it out! What if you really shouldn't be married to your husband or be in your current relationship? And having an affair helped you realize that?
norajane Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 I have a consulting business out of my home and don't get out much...My H does and travels on business alot...tell me please, what is the deal with these conferences??? Are they just big pick up opportunities??? I have talked to so many people that have cheated or thought about it w/ people they meet at these...Is it the fact that there is so much booze? I know this lowers your inhibitions...Just curious...I've always wondered.. The point of most conferences is to meet people - networking. The conference itself might be educational, informative, etc., but the main goal is to meet people and schmooze with people you already know. So...you end up with a whole bunch of Type A, outgoing, charming, intelligent personalities - people who generally have a lot in common and mutual interests to start with - in a place with lots of alcohol and mingling. They're often people who spend a lot of time traveling anyway, so they've gotten to the point where their hotel room at the end of the night is bone-chillingly lonely and empty. They're used to spending time away from their families, so they've learned to compartmentalize their lives and thoughts and feelings. It's not a huge leap to go from charming networking conversation...which feels like mingling at a party...to something more. For those who rarely travel, I think it's more of a Vegas mentality...what happens at the conference, stays at the conference... Guest - don't let this affair fool you into thinking your marriage is dead. You might be thinking this is love because you've never felt it before, but you've never experienced the excitement of a secret, hidden fling..."love" against the odds, us against the world. The limits inherent in sneaking around and hiding things creates a cocoon of passion you've never felt before. It's not love.
Yamaha Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 We are 2 months into this relationship MM must be the best lovers as so many women fall for them. Do you really see a future with him now that you have given him the sex he was looking for? He will just be looking for another gal at the next conference that will give him a tumble. Maybe it's time to put away your sexual passions and learn to live in a passionless marriage unless you feel you can create that passion with the man you married. Just an idea!!!!
outofdarkness Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Thanks for the info...you just described my H perfectly, or at least the way he used to be...The thing that stuck out to me the most in your post was that they compartmentalize...You hit the nail on the head! My H travels on average 1 to 2 days per week with week lone conferences inbetween...I always thought to myself how hard it must be to "change gears" and go back home to a totally different environment at the flip of a switch..
outofdarkness Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 MM must be the best lovers as so many women fall for them. Do you really see a future with him now that you have given him the sex he was looking for? He will just be looking for another gal at the next conference that will give him a tumble. Maybe it's time to put away your sexual passions and learn to live in a passionless marriage unless you feel you can create that passion with the man you married. Just an idea!!!! Regarding MM being such great lovers, I think one of the reasons that they are so attractive to W is that they ARE married. It's sort of like the forbidden fruit. One of the things that my H's main OW told me when it came out was that in the beginning especially, it was exciting, they liked the sneaking around, blah blah blah! For the OW's reading this, I am NOT saying that all A's are about this rush...I know from reading posts that that is not always the case, that some of the A's do indeed end up together and it is true love, but I do think that most, especially the short flings are just for the rush...Just some thoughts...
stillafool Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Since you gave your MM such good advice that is helping him get his marriage back on track, why don't you use your advice for your own marriage. Also the MM telling you he loves you and all, I would ask him to stop it. You have to go NC on this guy for your own sanity. To keep communication open with him will just keep you in misery and waiting for his calls. You have to get to a point where you know it's over and you won't hear from him again.
bothsides70 Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 I have joined as a member because all of you that replied to my message were very kind and gave me a little insight on my issue and helped me a lot. Thank you. Well update is, we went 5 days without talking, then out the blue I get an email saying that he loves me and misses me and cannot live without me. Of course, I am right back where I started. We talked for a day after that I decided that I needed to cut this off. 3 days go by, no contact, I send an email stating that we needed to end this and we should not have any contact and basically saying goodbye to him. Within hours, I have a return email stating that he cannot live without me and loves me and he did not want things to be final with us....I am not an idiot, I know what he is doing. STRINGING ME ALONG!!! He wants his wife and he also wants me.....I keep falling in his trap and everytime I climb out, I fall right back in. Will this ever end!!!!!
FlyingHigh Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 I have a consulting business out of my home and don't get out much...My H does and travels on business alot...tell me please, what is the deal with these conferences??? Are they just big pick up opportunities??? I have talked to so many people that have cheated or thought about it w/ people they meet at these...Is it the fact that there is so much booze? I know this lowers your inhibitions...Just curious...I've always wondered.. They're like fraternities-sororities no holds bar-one night stand event....usually after the conference. Maybe it's their way of kicking off their shoes and reliving those college life without their SO ever finding out....all at companies' expense. Great tax write off! I've heard worse.
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Posted November 4, 2006 They're like fraternities-sororities no holds bar-one night stand event....usually after the conference. Maybe it's their way of kicking off their shoes and reliving those college life without their SO ever finding out....all at companies' expense. Great tax write off! I've heard worse. I ALWAYS ASK, WHEN DATING, IF THEY ARE WITH SOMEONE, IF THEY ARE - I BOW OUT...IF THEY LIE...I AM GONE..
FlyingHigh Posted November 5, 2006 Posted November 5, 2006 I ALWAYS ASK, WHEN DATING, IF THEY ARE WITH SOMEONE, IF THEY ARE - I BOW OUT...IF THEY LIE...I AM GONE.. You're one of those few exception who cares and have integrity. Work for the airline industry. I can't tell you how many times we'd get hit on by married men (yes with wedding rings on!) and single ones who have SOs buy us drinks or generously hand out their business cards in flight with their cell phone# which always get tossed in the trash. It's worse in Vegas. Boy, isn't worse! Not exagerrating or bragging. It's just mind boggling how they can do this to their loved ones especially if they have children. It's repulsive to say the least. And then you have guys like my stbxh whom I caught took off his ring and wasn't wearing it when I surprised him at the airport from a "regional" conference in Detroit. That lying piece of ....#%&!*!!!! Yep...I feel better... :D LOL! Yep! And the OW he was doing was a competitor...the #5 gray/red airline that's in bankruptcy. Oh yeah....stbx certainly "redefined" the meaning of the "Frequent Fresrcrewer Program"....Lol!
stillafool Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 This is so interesting because I can't tell you how many women I know who's husbands are cheating at these conferences. No wonder they never want to miss one. I had no idea this was going on. I thought they were all working and too tired after the conference to socialize. My friend is on pins and needles because her husband has been going to conferences for 8 straight weeks in different cities.
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