Guest Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I have posted a couple of times the first one was just read..... tonight....I cant breath. I am in a cloud of blackness and I feel like I just cant make it another day. I never in my worst nightmares thought it would be me. even though I asked for a divorce I still love him. I hate him for what he has done but I love him. 18 years is a long time and I was 14 when we got together. I know he does not care nor love me I know this. is this why it hurts so bad??? I can not explain the pain I am feeling I hear it will get better but I just dont see how. will I ever love again. I am sure it is silly to say I wont heal. my mind says you are doing the right thing hold your head up keep on wading cause I will get stronger but my gosh my heart is breaking. I put my 5 year old to bed and the crying has already started for him and I just dont think I can make it and now my mind is so wondering what he is doing if he is even thinking of me even after what he did. I know he is sick and what is so funny is I feel like I am abanding him in his darkest need. if he ask to go to counsel do I do it???? what if he says he is sorry and never ment to hurt me and lets try? am I grasping at straws hugh??? I cant stop the tears. I feel so alone. I just want to just see him and know he is present so I can just here his voice. I made the final step today I told him to leave. it took 4 days but God I am wishing I did not find what I found. I think I would rather live in misery than to go through this pain. I love this man and I am so lost. he is well I guess was everything to me. I just need a shoulder to bury my head and just hold thight. the sad thing is he does not care. sorry everybody I post alot but I mat be able to look back and see gosh I was strong but right now I am not. my heart is filled with the what if's. what if he calls you and says he loves me and he is truly sorry to please stay and lets get help. what if he calls and says he wants to be a family and he needs help. but I know he wont that is what hurts. how can you guys just turn your feelings off. why does it not effect you? how can you just let it roll of your backs. PLEASE I am asking so I can teach myself from hurting so bad. I sound like a terrible sob but I just am hurting as no words can describe.
magichands Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I feel so alone. You have us. And your son. I'm really sorry that you're going through this pain. If you can't trust him then you're just prolonging the pain by thinking different. It's a tough road ahead, but it must be better than the alternative - right?
dgiirl Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Guest, it might be a good idea to create an account. This way we can track your history. Unfortunately, I dont know your story, and cannot give you much help. However, I dont think anyone here who's gone through a divorce had it easy. I dont think any of us simply turned our feelings off. I spent a good 6 months crying 24/7 non-stop. I litterally spent 95% of my time crying on bathroom floors, at work, at home. I just couldnt do anything and the pain was unbearable. But you know, I held on to faith that it will get better, and slowly but surely it did. It took a long time tho, but every day there was a small amount of change. It was a huge long rollercoaster of a ride of emotions, from extreme highs down to extreme lows. But I noticed the peaks started to get further apart, and the lows didnt last as long. Slowly, the pain started to go away. But you need to let yourself grieve, you cannot keep all that emotion bottled up. It will come out eventually. Either now, or in a year from now. Might as well let it out now while you can, while you're single and dont have to worry about any other relationship but the one with yourself. You need to focus on YOU. You need to actively refocus your thoughts every time they go towards your spouse. It's damn hard. Took me a year before I even started. But it helped a lot! And it gets easier the more you practice doing it. Trust me, divorce is not fun, and I never ever thought i'd be where I am now. No, I'm not in a relationship, but nor am i in the darkest hole either. I've climbed out. I've felt the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I truely understand what a broken heart means. I truely understand the feeling of having your heart shatter into pieces. The deep pain inside your chest. I understand it, I've been there, and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, just dealt with the present moment and stopped worrying about the past and future. What will be will be. Focus on you. What are you going to do _today_ to make your life good today?
magichands Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 dgiirl, it might be a good idea to write in paragraphs. Haha.
ilmw Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 dgiirl, it might be a good idea to write in paragraphs. Haha. I think dgiirl was just on a role.....
magichands Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 pair of what? Any pair will do. What'ya got?
magichands Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 magic are you tipsy? Has your igloo got central heating? And no...I'm not drunk. Maybe a bit tired, though.
dgiirl Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 If my igloo had heating, then i'd be in a pool It's too damn cold to be in a pool
Gunny376 Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 If my igloo had heating, then i'd be in a pool It's too damn cold to be in a pool Brrrrrrrrr! Its 61 degrees here in Alabama! Its cold, wet, and rainy! I love the cold winter months! I had to wear my leather jacket to work today!
Guest Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Guest, it might be a good idea to create an account. This way we can track your history. Unfortunately, I don't know your story, and cannot give you much help. However, I dont think anyone here who's gone through a divorce had it easy. I dont think any of us simply turned our feelings off. I spent a good 6 months crying 24/7 non-stop. I litterally spent 95% of my time crying on bathroom floors, at work, at home. I just couldnt do anything and the pain was unbearable. But you know, I held on to faith that it will get better, and slowly but surely it did. It took a long time tho, but every day there was a small amount of change. It was a huge long rollercoaster of a ride of emotions, from extreme highs down to extreme lows. But I noticed the peaks started to get further apart, and the lows didnt last as long. Slowly, the pain started to go away. But you need to let yourself grieve, you cannot keep all that emotion bottled up. It will come out eventually. Either now, or in a year from now. Might as well let it out now while you can, while you're single and dont have to worry about any other relationship but the one with yourself. You need to focus on YOU. You need to actively refocus your thoughts every time they go towards your spouse. It's damn hard. Took me a year before I even started. But it helped a lot! And it gets easier the more you practice doing it. Trust me, divorce is not fun, and I never ever thought i'd be where I am now. No, I'm not in a relationship, but nor am i in the darkest hole either. I've climbed out. I've felt the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I truly understand what a broken heart means. I truly understand the feeling of having your heart shatter into pieces. The deep pain inside your chest. I understand it, I've been there, and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, just dealt with the present moment and stopped worrying about the past and future. What will be will be. Focus on you. What are you going to do _today_ to make your life good today? I know I am not alone or not the first to experience it. I know what you are saying and I feel like I just want to give up like there is no foot to go in front of the other but we will see and pray for me and thank you. even through I am crying a river I will try my best only because I have my baby to get through for. I will find strength in her and take it as you say one day at a time but just know I think there will be a lot more ost to come of the depression I am in, thank you, thank you.
FlyingHigh Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Dgirl and Magic - you two a couple of hoots! You want the pair of graphs on the rocks or frozen? Ok, let's help Guest. Guest, yes set up a screen name so we can follow your story. There are waaaay toooo many "Guests". What's up with that? C'mon folks, get creative like Dgirl, MagicHands, Gunny, etc.... Sounds like your hub cheated. Correct me if I'm wrong. If this is the case, been there. And it's a whole lot shinier without him. You'll get to that point, too. Rather than spending and wasting time wondering whether or not he's thinking of you, concentrate on yourself. Reality is that if he did care, he could always give you a call. Maybe you can tell use more about what's going on so we're not shooting in the dark. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. You're not alone. Many of us have gone through what you're experiencing. Here's a ((((((((HUG)))))))) for you!!!!
Lor Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Guest, are you the one who wrote about being sexually abused as a child, then finding out that your H was looking at child porn? If so, please try and hold on, for your daughters sake. You need to get counselling to help yourself, not to help him. And you need to protect your child above all else. Should you feel bad for not wanting him to be alone with her? Heaven's no!! Not if he's doing that sh*t! The pain and hurt does get easier ~ notice I won't say better. You are grieving right now, heading downhill on a rollercoaster that you have no control over. Its like a knife thru your heart, and someone keeps twisting it over and over. Its up to you to try and take control, to try and get your emotions in check and get your life back. A lot of us have been there, a lot of us have gone thru the hell you're going thru ~ not the same situation, but the same emotions. I can't tell you how long it will last, I can't tell you when it will start to ease, but I can tell you it will. Cry for now, as much as you want, when you want. Get to counselling, maybe see a doctor for something for depression ~ it can be temporary and it will help clear the fog. your life has been shattered, its up to you to start picking up the pieces. We're here for you, hon, post often and vent about whatever ~ we're friends and we're here to listen and help. The shoulders on LS are huge and are a big comfort. Please pick a screen name and join in ~ you need to.
Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Guest, are you the one who wrote about being sexually abused as a child, then finding out that your H was looking at child porn? If so, please try and hold on, for your daughters sake. You need to get counselling to help yourself, not to help him. And you need to protect your child above all else. Should you feel bad for not wanting him to be alone with her? Heaven's no!! Not if he's doing that sh*t! The pain and hurt does get easier ~ notice I won't say better. You are grieving right now, heading downhill on a rollercoaster that you have no control over. Its like a knife thru your heart, and someone keeps twisting it over and over. Its up to you to try and take control, to try and get your emotions in check and get your life back. A lot of us have been there, a lot of us have gone thru the hell you're going thru ~ not the same situation, but the same emotions. I can't tell you how long it will last, I can't tell you when it will start to ease, but I can tell you it will. Cry for now, as much as you want, when you want. Get to counselling, maybe see a doctor for something for depression ~ it can be temporary and it will help clear the fog. your life has been shattered, its up to you to start picking up the pieces. We're here for you, hon, post often and vent about whatever ~ we're friends and we're here to listen and help. The shoulders on LS are huge and are a big comfort. Please pick a screen name and join in ~ you need to. here is the thing. for a while he acted like he had done no wrong. I belive I cried myself to sleep every night. I just cant belive what I found. I went to my doctor yesterday and just fell apart on her. I love her she is a great doctor she truly cares about you. all she could do was rub my back and say she would get something to calm my nerves and just take the edge off. I dont have any insurance so I went to pay the bill for the time she seen me and she was standing there writting on my chart and said just go home sweetie and dont worry you owe me nothing. she said she was a single parent for 26 years but I kinda made a little funny and said well you have a job that pays good and you kept your smarts. she chuckled and said go home. and she wispered in my ear(in which I think was when I really broke) that everything will work out I just had to let God handle this one. she gave me some paper work on why Men look to porn(child). the girls my husband looked at was the ages between 10 to 15 to me that is still babies. he talked to me this morning. I did not cry I was proud of myself. I told him he was sick and he agreed. he said he was no monster and that he did not want me to feel like he was. phuuuuuu could have fooled me. he said that at first it was a sight that was women and that he klicked and then it was the girls and he said it got out of control. he said to me he has never crossed the line nor would he ever. he said to him they were just pictures. I told him I was tired of him being the bast*** that he was and that he done this not me.he said he loved his daughter and that if I took her from him he would hurt himself because she is his world and I said really, I cant tell you put her in jepordy by looking at these sights and she could have been taken from us. he agreed and was weeping. I did not let him see that it was bothering me but O"MY GOSH it was killing me. I dont know what to do. I love him still.(why???) 18 years is a long time to just throw away but yet still I just cant forgive him right now. I told him that right now I just need time to breath. my daughter is asking alot of questions and I can only tell her it will be ok and she will be as happy as she is now. I told her that her daddy loved her but had some issues right now and that he needs to work through them and even if we live in seperate homes he wil still love you just as much. so I did what I thought was ok and took her to a hotel where memaw and peepaw stay when they come into town and she got to go swimming and walk to the vending machine all by herself. (of course I am standing at the door and watching her the way down to may be four rooms.he asked me to hold off on the divorce. not sure I can. even though I am hurting so badly and even though I still love him(and to me that makes me feel like the sicko)I just dont know if I can. I am dying inside and this morning when he came in the office and was weeping in front of me it was killing me not to just tell him I love him but I could not do it cause I dont want to fall back in a loveless marrage and be 50 at the prime of my life and be doing this all over again.I just dont know.
Lor Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 he said he loved his daughter and that if I took her from him he would hurt himself because she is his world and I said really, I cant tell you put her in jepordy by looking at these sights and she could have been taken from us. he agreed and was weeping. You put the whole thing into a perspective that he hadn't thought of. To him, it was only pictures ~ gross, but still... To have put it in the context of the two of you losing your daughter was probably the turning point for him and I bet that it's something he won't be doing again. may want to mention the fact to him about being thrown in jail for having child porn on a computer ~ whether home or what is illegal. But the thought of having your daughter taken away would actually hold more weight with him I bet. As far as forgiving, working on your M ~ only you can decide that. You have a lot of baggage on you that you carry around ~ totally understandable! and from your childhood experiences, to have fallen for him and M him, he must be worth something, or was worth something. On the other hand, for him to start looking at porn like that, with what you went thru is rather heartless or just plain stupid. He needs to give you time to resolve what you want to do. This isn't really an I don't love you anymore scenario, this goes deeper than that. If you haven't started counselling, you may want to.....we're not experts on here, or anyone really qualified to help you overcome what you've been thru. And even though you don't have insurance or the money, you can get free services thru your county or state. Check into it. Not just for your sake, but for your daughter's.
Guest Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 You put the whole thing into a perspective that he hadn't thought of. To him, it was only pictures ~ gross, but still... To have put it in the context of the two of you losing your daughter was probably the turning point for him and I bet that it's something he won't be doing again. may want to mention the fact to him about being thrown in jail for having child porn on a computer ~ whether home or what is illegal. But the thought of having your daughter taken away would actually hold more weight with him I bet. As far as forgiving, working on your M ~ only you can decide that. You have a lot of baggage on you that you carry around ~ totally understandable! and from your childhood experiences, to have fallen for him and M him, he must be worth something, or was worth something. On the other hand, for him to start looking at porn like that, with what you went thru is rather heartless or just plain stupid. He needs to give you time to resolve what you want to do. This isn't really an I don't love you anymore scenario, this goes deeper than that. If you haven't started counselling, you may want to.....we're not experts on here, or anyone really qualified to help you overcome what you've been thru. And even though you don't have insurance or the money, you can get free services thru your county or state. Check into it. Not just for your sake, but for your daughter's. just wanted to let you know now the crying has stoped. just for now. I think the prozact is helping. I am thinking of alot of things right now and talking on the computer really helps. I may sound crazy but this is why it helps. I hear my best friends voice ringing in my ear to leave he is never going to change and that do I want to run the risk of him doing it again. I know she is right but instead of a voice of reason its a nagging voice one that iterates or pours salt into the cut. nothing bad towards my friend but its is expected cause she loves me she want me out. but when I post and read the post sent back its funny cause its someone else saying them but my voice speaking them. which puts them into a light. I am feeling right now very numb. not sure if it is the medicine or what but still feeling numb. this feeling is like a shield that has came up. its sorta like its not worth it. VERY HARD TO EXPLAIN RIGHT NOW. kinda feels like I dont want it to work. like I am thinking of what will my daughter think if I stay when she is old enough to get married like will she think I was week or will she say I stayed and showed my love for her daddy? I feel in my heart that it will happen again probly not the porn of children I think it has scared the hell out of him. but I think our marriage will stay like it is now which is hi, by see in a little while. like roommates.I think in my heart that he may be putting up a front cause he is worried of all the trouble he could get in. I know what I saw he has been distrought looks lost and eyes are red from crying but I guess I just have defenders on right now. I am already saying that I am not going to give the counceling a chance is that fair. is it fair to my baby.....what does it do for you??? I think this board helps me in a huge way. no one sees my face I can tell the truth on what is going on but as a matter fact and get all the advice I need. I know you guys are not doctors but you are real people people with every day struggles and copes and have been there done that. maybe not in the same way but in the same way of feelings. lots of things going throgh my mind. but it is leaning on the divorce issue. but soon as I think of it christmas pops up then her b-day is right after then thanksgiving. but just as that thought enters I say gosh I dont want to go to his family's house and I dont want to go to mine. I am in a state right now I wont ot be let alone no calls no visits no come over no nothing like I just want to be in my room and think. I am not sure what is going to happen and and sure if I can even give it a chance but thanks so much for talking to me.
Lor Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Its not crazy to say that coming on here and talking helps. We're faceless, which makes it so much easier to discuss things and to have many different inputs on a situation. I too was at the end of my rope, crying every day, wishing I could wake up from the nightmare....and then I found this place. I'll be the first to admit I didn't listen to all the advice I was given ~ had to find my own way, the hard way ~ but there are so many kind people on here! Your friend is too close to the situation ~ sounds funny but true. Anyone who will tell you do this or do that, leave him, stay....is not the best one to give advice. Ultimately the final decision is yours, whether to stay and try, and leave. Its easy to sit on the pedistal, look down and decide for someone what they should do ~ even with the best of intentions. I don't remember from your first post ~ what other problems did you have in your M, before the porn? That of course is your biggest factor in this.
dgiirl Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 Lor is absolutely right. Coming on here gave me a lot of strength too. It was a life saver because I was able to talk it out with people who have been through it, who understood what I was feeling. My parents and friends couldnt help me at all. They were too close to the situation. They had their own biases, their own needs and desires. None of them wanted to see me hurt or upset, so they wanted to minimize the pain as much as possible and would suggest things that might not have been the best action for what I wanted. I'm getting the impression that you are really afraid for your daughter's welfare. I havent seen any of the porn, and you didnt go into great details about your story, but do you fear him acting out onto your daughter? If so, then by all means, dont question, dont hesitate, dont feel remorse, no if's and's or but's about it, get out! I have a feeling your gut is telling you one thing, but your head is trying to reason it away. Always listen to your gut! Always. Worse case scenario, your gut is wrong, but your daughter is safe. But if you listen to your head, worse case scenario, your head was wrong, and your daughter wasnt safe! That's too high of a price to pay! Have you talked to anyone else about the porn? Any therapist?
Guest Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Lor is absolutely right. Coming on here gave me a lot of strength too. It was a life saver because I was able to talk it out with people who have been through it, who understood what I was feeling. My parents and friends couldnt help me at all. They were too close to the situation. They had their own biases, their own needs and desires. None of them wanted to see me hurt or upset, so they wanted to minimize the pain as much as possible and would suggest things that might not have been the best action for what I wanted. I'm getting the impression that you are really afraid for your daughter's welfare. I havent seen any of the porn, and you didnt go into great details about your story, but do you fear him acting out onto your daughter? If so, then by all means, dont question, dont hesitate, dont feel remorse, no if's and's or but's about it, get out! I have a feeling your gut is telling you one thing, but your head is trying to reason it away. Always listen to your gut! Always. Worse case scenario, your gut is wrong, but your daughter is safe. But if you listen to your head, worse case scenario, your head was wrong, and your daughter wasnt safe! That's too high of a price to pay! Have you talked to anyone else about the porn? Any therapist? I am not scared of what he would do to me, but of what he will do to himself. I said that I would not say anything to anyone but I had a blow out with him this past weekend. not in front of my daughter cause I will not fight in front of her but again I told him that in the beggining he needed to leave the house. I said that if you had no where to go because we have a two story home he could stay upstairs. well has he was getting his room ready I am sitting there like in a state of confusion like I felt like he was not even giving it a second thought and looking back on it maybe he was just doing what I asked. but he was just cleaning his room and cleaning the carpet and this and that took some of his clothes up stairs etc I said to him very nice I promise it was nice that we at some point need to sit down together and talk to our daughter. he rolled his eyes at me and made a snide comment and I just blew up. I went into our room into his closet and just started pulling all his clothes out of the closet I threw them in the floor in the living room he came down stairs saw I was taking his clothes and telling him to take them all.(in my mind I was saying I will be dam if he is going to come in and out of my room to get something just for an excuess to come into my room) he said at that point I have been cleaning the house all day in which he did I guess to get his mind off things and that if I did not put is clothes back in the closet cause there was no more room for the rest of them up there that he was going to make sure all mine were thrown out. I then said to him let me tell you one thing. I am sick of you not giving a inch on how I feel and what he done not me and that to sit there like it does not bother him on what was going on he said something and then said well if you were not fat and I lost it. I said thats it. I lost it. I said I am not going to take this sh** no more and I got the number to the police to have him removed I got my daughter up told her we were going to go do something fun just me and her and went to the hotel for two days so she could swim. as I left instead of calling the police I called his dad again I let my feelings go instead making him relize what he had done I did not call the police I called his dad. I said to him before I left, he had gone into the bathroom I guess cause he was upset not that I was blowing a gasket but I think cause he knew he was in the wrong and was telling himself why does he keep hurting me like he does not know how to control it and I said to him that I would rather be a fat a** than a peafile. this seems like a tit for tat but it is not it at all. I was angery,hurt,confusied, and lost. I knew it would come it just took something simple to bring it out. or to look at it was it simple at all. I am not crying anymore but I will tell you this my mind is so jumbled up with what if's and will I be here again, what is someone going to say to him to make him relize that they were not just pictures. I say to myself a man or woman in human form cant change you nor can they change what you see someone as they maybe able to put it into a prospective and a clear picture but God is the only one to wash his mind and make it clean but who is to say he wonts to change when all he thinks it was, was just pictures and that it got out of hand. he gave me a answer on why he did what he did, I did not interupt but it was lame to me. he said it was like when he was in school and all the girls would walk by or he would see a girl and that because him bing a boy/young man and courious what was under the clothes that its just courisity. I think in my mind what a load of crap but is it? I will tell you I am a very deep person as you can see with all the long post I need to talk my problems and I told a few people that I trust. my best friend, I needed her. I told his dad and my mom. he knows nothing of anyone being told and I feel like I betrayed him of that. he will think I am protraying him out to be this monster when that is not my intentions at all. again I am back as that child that I did something wrong. I have so many thoughts running across my mind. when the night he threatended I was scared but it was the not knowing what was going to happen. THEN RIGHT THEN I went into protective mode. the following morning before we talked I went to the school. my daughters school let them know no one is to pick her up but me and told about what I found and that at this point I just dont want him to pick her up. then when he came to the office that morning he was crying weeping told me he was sorry that he would never hurt me nor out daughter that is was for himself. alot of other stuff like he did not want to be painted as a monster cause he was not. he said his hole world is his daughter and that he would never hurt her that was just a sick thought. I truly belive he would never hurt her but that night I was scared and I went to the school before we talked and now I struggle witht the fact he knows and thinks no one knows and I feel like I betrayed him. I dont know it is crazy. I am unsure of my actions if they were justified just know I am not the kinda of person to bottle it up and knew I was loosing control. he said he wanted to go to counsling but now that the crying has stopped and all the things running through my mind I keep coming back to one issue. That is what if it does not work then I have invested even more time on a love that is not going to be returned. I know you have to want it to work when you enter a marrage counsel but the question is is now do I want it to work. can I get past this. this is a major issue with me cause it happened to me and he knew it did and why. it is just flat out jumble confusion. here is how I feel when he is in the room. NUMB. I cant say it is hate, I cant say it is hurt, I cant say it is confusion it is NUMB. I cant look him in the eyes. I cant stand next to him, if I am in the room with him I am thinking what is he thinking where is his mind. is he even remorseful for what he done what. I do know I think he is trying to give me space but it seems the more space I have the futher I am from him. like I dont want it to work, then the mode of what, how and when I need to get it together so for when I do leave. am I giving it the right chance??? or even a chance at all??? I know he will be way upset that his father knows and probly way pissed that I talked to the school but in my point it was not to hurt him but to protect. he is a man no punt intended but he wont see it for the protection but that I was out to make him look like a monster. I dont know yall so much is a cloud and I just am struggling and I am so sorry for the long post but I need some light, something to grasp ahold of. should I just give it a chance to talk to a counsel to at least start him in it and myself?? what. I dont know what to do. but I will thank you and every one for just taking the time and reading what I have posted and I know it is long but gosh.
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