Need coping with an affair...

[nexteltx]

I would have to write a novel in order to completely share my misfortune in these short ten months. I have searched for anything from alcohol to advice to rid my head of those reoccurring thoughts and events. I am unable to find anything worthwhile to assist me in my futile attempts at self-medication. I have scoured the internet to find any resource that tells me that I am not alone, that someone else understands my anguish.

 

It was all supposed to be a joke, she told me suddenly one night that she was going out with a “friend” she met on the internet. I had no cause for concern, she was after all my wife, she was the mother of my daughter and my best friend. By no means was our marriage perfect but when comparing other relationships that surrounded me, I felt confident that ours was superior, after all I would never behave in the treasonous way my father behaved. I had assumed that she was headed over to our sister-in-laws house to gossip, it hadn’t occurred to me that usually she takes our daughter to play with her cousins, I was totally ignorant and trusting. She returned late that night, I was waiting up for her on the couch, I asked her what possibly had taken her so long, she had gone out with another man she replied. I still thought it was just an act, to make me jealous or whatever reason women have to do the things they do. Two nights later she again said that she was going out with the same man, I still wouldn’t have believed it even if I knew how the next few months would eventually play out. Again she returned late, this time however she was in a complete state of disarray, she made no attempt to hide it, but that’s when I realized she had in fact been honest the entire time. I didn’t know exactly how to react, to a certain degree I still don’t know how to face that betrayal, and that was merely the beginning. For the next few days I remember I was stunned, still stunned, but I drove to the “scene” and just sat there in my car, for hours. I tried to communicate my feelings to her, but everything I said or felt was just some kind of “self-pity” she said. I tried to leave her, but couldn’t bring myself to do it, I wouldn’t leave my daughter, and I swore that I would never subject my daughter to a broken family. My wife continued to carry on her “online fun” while I found my only relief in alcohol. The meetings ended, he was from out of town, she however continued to carry on her “fun” with scores of interested parties online.

 

A few months past and she met someone who lived in town, I worked graveyard so I was unable to control access to her phone or the computer. Looking at the phone bill later I would realize that the calls where in hours not minutes, and were not limited to any particular time of day. One evening before I went into work she told me that she was having a babysitter watch our daughter and she would take me to work, and go meet her “friend”. I was totally against it, I made threat after threat on the way to work, assuming that she would not dare to undermine our marriage yet again. A few hours later I received a call from her she said she’d just gotten home it was a little after two in the morning, again I was devastated I had no choice in the matter, I was a non-entity. Here I gave up, I tried to find someway to believe this was okay, that this was just natural. And so began her routine of leaving me alone at home to meet her “friend” over and over again, she would over and over again share unwelcome details of their “meetings”. It was those months that I lost my soul, how many times can you try to communicate your feelings to someone to have them ignored and abused. I was humiliated, broken, lost, confused, and hurt. The affair eventually ended after she had contracted chlamydia from her “friend” and she has erased this whole period from her mind. I cannot however simply forget, these thoughts prey upon my mind both day and night, I am unable to escape this. She gets angry at me when I speak of it, this changed my life, this destroyed my life. I am not the same man I was ten months ago, this is destroying me. I can’t find any help for any of this, I feel alone, I’ve never in my life felt so alone. The attention she gave to others, the time, the spark she gave to people who care nothing for her, everything she gave, and all of it she denies me.

 

I haven’t the slightest clue how to force this **** out of my mind, it constantly plays out, and I find it hard to suppress these thoughts for long. At what point will I eventually break, when will this pressure become to much to bear.

 

I live for my daughter now, I can go through anything for her sake. Her smile comforts my broken soul. But **** I feel so alone.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. I hope you have been checked for STD's yourself. It is clear that your wife has absolutely no respect for you or herself. You argument that you do not want your daughter growing up in a broken home is not valid. Your wife has been trolling the internet and meets up with strangers to start affairs and have sex with them.

 

You are acting like a total doormat. Her behavior is so out of bounds it is not funny. You are just going to stay and be humiliated in the worst possible way. Get an attorney and understand your legal obligations. Your wife will destroy you. She does not even have the decency to use protection. Stop being a martyr and contact an attorney. It is clear that your wife has no respect for you. If you do not have respect for yourself then who will?

[nexteltx]

I try to “turn off”, I want to “turn off”, it’s a hard thing to do, you don’t fully understand how hard it is to turn yourself off until that’s the only thing you look forward too. I live for my daughter, if I were to divorce, what are the chances I would get custody away from the mother, I’ll tell you slim to none. If I leave this marriage I can fully expect to get joint custody, my daughter isn’t worth just half of my time, she is worth every second of everyday. I’ve already been hurt, but I can’t imagine what kind of hurt I’d feel if I couldn’t tuck my daughter into bed every night and make her breakfast every morning.

 

I thought about going to see about getting prozac or something similar to kind of help me rid myself of those bad times. And the worst part is although I hate my wife, I still love her something fierce.

[Bryanp]

What is to stop her from continuing this behavior now or in the future? How do you think she would be acting if the roles were reversed? What possible justifications did she give you for doing this horrible thing to you and your marriage. Are you in marriage counseling. Does she show great remorse for what she has done? What kind of role model is she for your child?

[outofdarkness]

This woman is acting in an abusive manner both towards you AND your daughter! My H carried on in multiple A's for over 10 years, but not flagerantly like your W...Had I known, I'd have run not walked away. However, every situation is different, and I totally understand your fear of not seeing your daughter...What judge would possibly give your W custody of your little girl??? She is unfit to be a wife AND mother!!! The other poster is correct in saying; "what sort of example is she setting for your daughter?". My suggestion is to get some help right away. Find out what local resources there are for counseling if you can't afford it, and then inquire on the interenet about free legal resources if you can't afford an attorney. Do it right away...THAT is the best thing you can do for you little girl! She needs one stable parent, and right now, you are a mess. Don't let your W destroy you and her! Please reach out now...There is help, but you have to reach out for it. These forums are great, but they don't take the place of eye to eye, human contact...Good luck and blessings!

[Sup]

Drop this STUPID woman NOW!!!!!!!! For your sake and sanity! There was NO reason that your wife should have done this to you and your daughter NONE!!!!!! You deserve much better, go through with the Divorce!!!!! Find out what YOUR rights are from a good lawyer, see about keeping the house, she shouldn't get it.

[Romeo Must Die]

Im so sorry you are hurting.

 

The answer is in your hands. You dont have to live your life hanging by a thread. Take one step at a time to change things. The first step is always the hardest. Your fear is what controls you and that is whats holding you back.

 

In another ten months, the steady stream of lies and deceit will eat at you until there is nothing left of you. It will not stop until you challenge your greatest fears (losing your daughter) and leave this terrible situation and SAVE YOURSELF so you can save your daughter. She will have much more respect for you when she is old enough to understand that you had the guts to do something about it.

 

It's not easy, it doesnt necessarily change everything for the better (sometimes it's harder) but it is essential to your health and heart to remove yourself from this bad environment so you can think straight. You know, sometimes leaving the cheating spouse is just the kick in the ass they need to realize what they have done.

 

You dont have to lose your child, men can have permanant placement of their children. Your wife will have to pay you child support. Imagine that. You really need to talk to a good lawyer and file for seperation and the temporary order will legally give you what you need to get started in your new life. In ten months or less you could be free of this pain. Its up to you.

 

[Rich1955]

Nexteltx you're not alone. I going through the same and am with you. It's curious how we all react the same. The reality is you have to face reality and prepare for a new phase in your life. Being with a person such as your wife and mine is not worth it. You deserve better. I moved out a month ago, have a nice apartment, see my daughter and have more quality time with her too. My ex-wife's lover took off ( it went on for a year) she's 43 he was 33. She was distraught until 2 weeks ago over his abandonment as she fell in love with him and their savage sex (as she wrote). There are lots of other fish in the sea. Honestly I am still very hurt as the betrayal was painful. I also went nuts for a couple of months, was hyper vigilant, no sleep, confused but then one day I woke up and it was like a fever that subsided. Now I still suffer but am preparing my new life, it's not easy but we have no choice. It will be better,

[Sup]

Rich, are you through with your wife? I mean, you're not gonna let her suck you back into the marriage with her, are ya?

[Rich1955]

Sup,

I'm not with my wife and I have minimal contact regarding issues relating to my daughter. I know it's over and it has to be over. Her affair was a year long intense love affair typical of wives in bad marriages. It was not a weekend or short term fling. Reading up on these, her's was the most difficult type of affair to try forgive or even recuperate her. I must admit we were in trouble, I and she made all the mistakes and the bottom line was we were not compatible, 13 years of incompatibility. I admit that at times I feel weak and would just like to be back in the comfort of being married and having a family, but... the fact is, she for one year lied and deceived me apart from any of the bad marriage issues. and this enough for me to write her off. While I was hard at work she spent afternoons in bed with him. I really wish I did not ever have to see her again, but with a daughter I can't. All these infidelity sites talk about rebuilding etc etc. I think in most cases of extended affairs, incompatibility and outright deception your better off moving on.

[Flyin in Clouds]

nexteltx, I know it is hard for man to give up on the woman he loves. But she doesn't love you. She hates you. There is no point in wasting one second more on her. And alcohol won't solve the problem. I've been there and it won't help you at all. Just makes everything worse, so don't drink anymore.

 

You need to see a divorce lawyer - the very best you can find - and start to prepare for a divorce. DO NOT do anything rash, like kicking her out, or changing locks, or trying to lock up joint accoutns, etc. Follow your lawyers advise, but the marriage is over and can not be salvaged.

 

Your goal in the divorce is to get sole custody of your daughter and if possible prevent all contact with her slut of a mother. That is what would be best for your child.

 

Your daughter will only be harmed by your trying to stay together. What can your daughter possibly learn from her mother? How to be a slut? Your wife is abusive. She is abusing you, and your family and thus abusing her own child. It is horrible that your daughter's mother has chosen to do this but that was her choice and there is NOTHING you can do about it.

 

If you stay all you are doing is providing your wife with an unwilling cuckold. (google that as a "lifestyle". ) If you stay it will only confirm in your wife's mind what a worthless, useless, wimp of a man, not even a man you are. You are letting her beat you down. Doormat someone else said. Don't let her get away with it.

 

Until the divorce, since your goal is custody of your daughter, do not do anything immoral or untoward. Be the perfectly nice, sane, loving, mature adult.

 

After the divorce, find a woman that his better than your wife. That won't be easy because there are a lot of rotten women out there. There are also a lot of very good women out there. It is just hard to tell the difference sometimes until it is too late. You obviously thought your wife was one of the good one's but now her true character is revealed.

 

I would not let anyone talk me into marriage counseling in your situation or trying to save the marriage for the sake of your child. That would be totally unfair to the child.

 

BTW, several people undoubtedly will ask you this, so I will...

 

What horrible things did you do to your wife to make her cheat on you? It is your fault your wife is doing this isn't it? Did you beat her with a club? Did you simply ignore her for months on end? Spend all your time drinking with friends at strip clubs? Gone fishing every weekend? Let her alone... after all those folks will say, happy people don't cheat on their mate. So how did you make her unhappy?

 

Your wife is being as abusive to you as if she was hitting you with a baseball bat. No difference as far as I'm concerned and she an example of why adultery should be a criminal offense.

 

I live for my daughter, if I were to divorce, what are the chances I would get custody away from the mother, I’ll tell you slim to none.

Maybe, but you won't know until you talk to an attorney and say that is what you want. It make take a year or two before you actually are ready to file for divorce and go to the court battle.

 

You need to document your wife's behavior. You need to turn over phone records, computer emails, IMs, etc. to your attorney. Let him deal with it. Build the case that the mother is actually harmful to the child. She's a slut, she maybe alcoholic, a drug user, psychotic. It is very hard for man, one of those wonderful double standards we aren't supposed to have anymore, to gain sole custody but not impossible. You may have to settle for primary custody.

 

I thought about going to see about getting prozac or something similar to kind of help me rid myself of those bad times. And the worst part is although I hate my wife, I still love her something fierce.

Then you are insane, and drugs of any kind won't help. The cause of any depression you have isn't some chemical imbalance in your brain, it's your wife's rotten behavior.

 

If it wasn't for your daughter, I'd recommend you start finding other women to have fun with immediately. But that would only work against you in court, so for now I would not recommend it.

 

 

What judge would possibly give your W custody of your little girl???

Oh, come on? You have to ask that outofdarkness? The courts are notrious for being TOTALLY unfair to fathers. No matter what the father is always the bad guy and no matter what he always has to bear the burden of supporting his children no matter how bad the mother is. A drug addicted whore would get custody over a father that was a total saint. Some judges are totally clueless, some (mostly women judges) hate men, so it is vital that your attorney "shop" for a judge that might grant you custody. That's why the preparation for the divorce has to be done right. If you don't do that you will lose.

 

I know this is painful. Your wife has done the most painful thing a woman can do to a man. Do not let the chemical attraction you have for you wife cloud your brain. Ask for a separation and for her to leave (again only under your attorney's direction) so that she's not around your daughter anymore. The advantage to your wife of course is she can then have more freedom to fool around and you can have a private detective (if you attorney so advises) collect more evidence you can use in a court battle. Do not agree to a seperation where you become the baby sitter for her while she fools around on the weekends. You keep the house and the home intact for the child. You provide the safe, sane environment.

 

You dont have to lose your child, men can have permanant placement of their children. Your wife will have to pay you child support. Imagine that.

Possible, yes. Bur rarer than hens teeth. And without good, solid legal advise and a carefully executed plan all but impossible.

 

But do collect the evidence, painful as that is. Make a diary to document your wife's late nights out. The more hard evidence you have, the more notes, the more a court is going to look at you as a responsible parent, looking out for the best interest of the child. And that is ALL the court will care about. What is best for the child. So you have to be a model citizen, not even one unpaid parking ticket.

 

She will have much more respect for you when she is old enough to understand that you had the guts to do something about it.

That is true. She may hurt in the short term, but growing up with an abusive mother in a home were mom and dad hate each other, have no respect for each other is far more harmful in the long run...

 

... Her affair was a year long intense love affair typical of wives in bad marriages... Reading up on these, her's was the most difficult type of affair to try forgive or even recuperate her. I must admit we were in trouble, I and she made all the mistakes and the bottom line was we were not compatible, 13 years of incompatibility. I admit that at times I feel weak and would just like to be back in the comfort of being married and having a family, but... the fact is, she for one year lied and deceived me apart from any of the bad marriage issues. and this enough for me to write her off. While I was hard at work she spent afternoons in bed with him. I really wish I did not ever have to see her again, but with a daughter I can't. All these infidelity sites talk about rebuilding etc etc. I think in most cases of extended affairs, incompatibility and outright deception your better off moving on.

 

yeah, nice... typical of a selfish bytch.

 

Rich you have my sympathy, not that it will help you feel better ... but because so many cheaters on here want to know, just what terrible things did you do to your poor wife to make her cheat on you? After all it had to be your fault... yeah, right, what bull sh**. Why do you say you were incompatible? In what way? And how would "incompatibility" justify cheating instead of divorcing? And so your ex-wife's lover dumped her. Haha... some small revenge. Rebuilding a marriage after an affair? I wouldn't. And the best revenge is to live well. Find someone else that you can be happy with.

 

Good luck to both of you.

[outofdarkness]

As I said on OW forum..I am no longer posting for awhile after tonight. Too upsetting, as someone seems to be posting things directed at a certain indiv. and mentioning names..Too scary for me..Also, feel like I need some time to gather my thoughts...sorry if my reply re: the Father getting custody was not researched well enough...

[jmargel]

What she has done to you is not love, nor it is respecting at all. What the scary part about this is, is she refuses to take responsibility for her actions and is pretending that it never happened. When this happened however it was pushing your nose into it.

 

It sounds like she is not mentally stable in the least bit and she really needs to see a psychologist. What I am telling you is that if you try to 'turn it off' you will go insane. You will be committed. You will be suicidal.

 

You need to *deal* with this problem, fast. Find a counselor to talk to, and you need to make your wife *face* the consequences she deserves. You need to give/show tough love to her. As long as you roll over & piddle she'll keep doing this to you. For whatever reason she's done this (mental instability, immaturity) etc.. she needs help for it. Give her the ultamatium. Either Marriage counseling or she's moving out without your daughter. She is putting you & your daughter in very risky situations by doing this.

 

I just can't believe you two did not have problems prior to this. Nothing out of the ordinary shows signs that she has this type of personality? The scary part about this, is that she has not treated you even like a human being, she treats strangers better than you. I'm only imagining that she could have had a very bad childhood. In any event what she did was wrong and you do not deserve this. If you continue not showing any tough love towards her it will happen again.

 

The spooky thing about this is her ability to just pretend it didn't happen. Like what a serial killer can do, just push all of this out of her mind. IMO it could be that she's too scared to, and to face the consequences. As long as she puts you on the defensive by yelling at you it's her way to avoid the issue. MAKE her face it. This is now all upto you. If you are afraid to lose her, I can guarantee that *you will* if you don't do this.

 

PS. Look up the 5 stages of grief. I have a feeling you will be going through this.