sourgirl Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 ** the history ** six years ago my boyfriend and his then-girlfriend lost a baby, she carried him to term but he was stillborn. she and i were best friends at the time (i was living with my then-boyfriend), it tore their lives apart. after she lost her baby she got fired from her job where we worked together, she and my boyfriend broke up and she moved about 8 hours away and broke off all contact with everyone here. about a year later i broke up with my boyfriend, and two years after that i started dating my current boyfriend - the ex-boyfriend of my friend. we had gotten back in touch when she moved away and had formed a strong friendship over the years, it was not expected, but we fell in love. my boyfriend and i have been living together now for about two years, our relationship is not perfect but we are deeply in love and very committed to each other. next sunday would have been his son's sixth birthday, and a week after that his ex, my old friend, is coming to visit for the weekend to spread their baby's ashes. since she practically fell off the planet she has no where else to stay in the city, so i agreed to let her stay with us... it's been a long time coming. she hates me, which i guess isn't surprising. she's worked out some sort of scenario in her head that had me stealing her boyfriend, which couldn't be further from the truth. but she still loves him and i don't think that you can hold people in love responsible for their imaginations. ** the present ** plain and simple, i don't know what to do while she's here. i don't want to be overly affectionate with my boyfriend because that would hurt her, but i don't want to be distant because he will be going through something difficult for him and he will need my support. i also don't want her to think things aren't great between us because it might give her false hope of getting back together with him and i don't want her to get hurt. i remember how terrible it was when they lost the baby, he was gorgeous... they loved him so much... i can't wipe the image of them with him out of my head and it breaks my heart on so many levels. the closer i get to the date, the more anxious i get... i have nightmares about them together. my ex's brother killed himself a weekend we visited him in college, and i know how trauma brings two people together... i feel sick when i think about it. sick that they went through such pain, sick that they have to relive it in search of a "closure" i don't imagine they'll ever find. sick that there's nothing i can do to help them. sick that she wants him back (she's told him lots of times). sick that my boyfriend is worried about her. sick that i'm afraid that on some level i might be jealous that he went through something with someone other than me - what kind of a person would feel like that? sick that he is worried about how i might feel when he should be worried about himself. my head is seriously spinning over this, i'm an emotional wreck and i can't talk about it with him because it's completely selfish of me to put my issues above his, which are clearly much less important. not that my feelings aren't important... but you know what i mean - my not knowing what to do or what to say or what to feel, versus his having to actually deal with spreading his baby's ashes... i feel really helpless...
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