WoundedWild Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 all, I am going to thank you all in advance if you wind up reading these very long jumbled thoughts. I am a female in my late 20's who just realized some things about herself that is not too flattering. I am coming here in hopes of sorting out this jumbled mess. I wish to tell you that also, I am going to be as truthful as conciously possible. I recently find myself at the crossroads in my life, and hopefully, this will be the last time. Actually, it has to be, because I dont think I can take anymore of this. Let me start by saying that I grew up as a ward of the state, and was pretty much shuffled from one place to the next, which probably influenced my lack of desire to stay put in my later years. I hopped around from state to state, always uncomfortable after a year or two, constantly yearning to be somewhere new, which led to breaking up with whoever I was with at the time. I am a bit of a loner too I guess, never did make it past the 2 year mark with anyone, but then again, there hasnt exactly been a steady stream of men pouring in and out of my life--thats not to say that men havent tried-they have, I was just way too suspicious of them to trust them enough. I also have no known family, which always led me to feel as if I didnt exist, but ultimately enabled me to shuffle in and out of different places and different peoples lives without a sense of permanency and belonging. I dont make any real friends, only mere aquaintences which allow me to feel somewhat normal from time to time. Now the meat of the problem: I am involved with a man in his early to mid 30's. I have been with him for 2 and a half years. When I met him, he seemed sincere, earnest and sweet. I actually trusted him. I dont know why I did, but I did. It took a year before I realized what he was truly all about. By then, it was too late, and I was living with him. He was about as trustworthy as a penniless thief on the run from the law. Around the time that I realized what he was all about, I also realized I fell in love with him. Hard. Almost dangerously so. We were at each others throats nite and day but we were so hot and passionate together. We were both wildly jealous and possessive, but he was definately more controlling than I. He also possessed a penchance for lying through his teeth about anything and everything. He definately drained me. I was an emotional nitemare. Falling in love didnt go good with me. He certainly didnt make it easier. He lied alot. Too much. I became distrustful of him. He would say he was working when he wasnt, he would tell me he would be right back and not come back for hours and hours, he was rude when I would call him, hanging up the phone, screaming at me, he would talk bad about me to others, he would ostracize me from his family and friends, he ignored me, (literally) would only talk to me when he needed something,he was just awful. I should have gotten out when I realized he wasnt listening after the first couple of conversations. But I was never one to give up too easily.But it seemed, the more I struggled to make it work, the worse it became. I have a hot temper, and was prone to many outbursts which he absolutely hated. I became jealous, sometimes with reason, I started snooping around, and found that he comminucated much too frequently with this one woman, at very odd hours--long story short, I am about 99% certain he had emotional affairs with at least 2 women during our relationship. I became much more suspicious after our sex life dwindled and I was finding condoms missing that he moved on to a physical affair with one of them. I became complacent. Though we despised each other, we both equally refused to let each other go. I tried to leave on many occasions, not for good, but just to blow off steam, and he wouldnt let me, he still tried to control everything in my life, but it was worse because I knew he was doing something shady behind my back but could never outright catch him, he mixed just enough truth for it to be believeable. It hurt. I hurt. And I was tired. So I just gave up. That was pretty much the way things have been for the last year or so. My fire had almost died out. I was definately becoming more lost, and bitter. During my relationship with him, I was approached many many times by many different men, some were definate good catches, but I didnt want them. I wanted him, and only him. 6 months ago, I met a man. I ignored his attempts at trying to get close to me. He persisted. Before too long, I let some of the walls down and got to know him better. Of course, you must know how these things are, he fell in love with me. Hard. Even despite my repeated reminders that I had someone and didnt want him. He kept on. Eventually, one day, I gave in and became somewhat emotionally involved with him. I thought "why not"? Its not as if the one I have at home would care (actually he would kill me if he knew)..I started hanging out with him, calling him, making plans. It wasnt long before he asked me to run away with him...to a different state. You know thats my cup of tea, and there is nothing I would like better than to leave again...I told him I would think about it. At this point, I steadily began falling out of love with my boyfriend. How long can one keep throwing their love out only for it to be shot down? Instead, I began filling the tremendous void in my heart with my newfound friend. Thus the crossroads.... One day, not so long ago, maybe a month or so, my boyfriend woke up, and decided he was in love with me and wanted a life, a real life with me. He didnt tell me these things, he SHOWED me....When I look into his eyes, there is REAL concern, REAL love. He is attentative, showing me real emotion, and taking huge steps to get us started in our life, talking about baby names and all. He now WANTS me around him, in fact, he gets mad if I am not. In addition, he is becoming how I used to be, jealous, suspicious, checking my phone, and still as always controlling, but more so now. This would have been my hearts desire months ago. Before I fell out of love with him. The thing is...I still want him, I have just been so very hurt by him that I am afraid to take the chance again. And he still reminds me of the wolf in sheeps clothing. Meanwhile, things between my guy friend and I have reached a fevered pitch. I have tried to take a step back, but he keeps taking steps forward, dangerously so.He is pushing me to make a decision. And this is were i need help: All my life I have always ran. I never stuck around long enough to start a life with anybody. I never did the right thing. I have always left in the middle of everything. Now is my chance, a chance to finally have a real life with my boyfriend, to stay put and make it work, to start a life. And he is ready, and willing and wanting. But once again, I am tempted. Tempted sorely to run with a friend that wants me how I wanted my boyfriend. Who is in love with me and would do everything for me. The problem is that he is a little reckless, a tad irresponsible, just my type. I havent told him I loved him, only that I feel deeply for him but I have a boyfriend. He does understand that if I go with him, if I run, it will be for the very last time. He is okay with that. Should I take this last chance with a new love, or do my best to repair the old wounds with the boyfriend?
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 if u can live with presenting things like this...if u can look at yourself in the mirror and believe these lies..and tell yourself that what u are saying here is true and go 7 months without calling me and somehow think that u have an option! what a pack of lies and bull**** - u love to paint yourself as the victim babe there is not one single thing in there that is true about me and it is hurtful and false...where in this is anything positive - wow good luck with someone else... forget about friendship........like i said u have tried your 10 year abuser better than u treated me - that's why i moved on months ago...u have no decision to make...i am long gone the nerve and gall and sheer fantasyland done! goodbye
Author WoundedWild Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 Pardon me, Guest, but I have NO IDEA what the hell you are talking about, ??? If I didnt clarify strongly enough, this situation is in the NOW, as in THE PRESENT. This is going on RIGHT NOW, not 7 months ago. All I want to know is if I should take the chance at new love, or repair the old wounds with my boyfriend? And Guest, you sound bitter, perhaps you should get some help with that. if u can live with presenting things like this...if u can look at yourself in the mirror and believe these lies..and tell yourself that what u are saying here is true and go 7 months without calling me and somehow think that u have an option! what a pack of lies and bull**** - u love to paint yourself as the victim babe there is not one single thing in there that is true about me and it is hurtful and false...where in this is anything positive - wow good luck with someone else... forget about friendship........like i said u have tried your 10 year abuser better than u treated me - that's why i moved on months ago...u have no decision to make...i am long gone the nerve and gall and sheer fantasyland done! goodbye
nancyleeh Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Dear WoundedWild, You did what so many people do...start a new relationship without ending the old one first and now feel stuck in the middle of both. Just my opinion but both relationships have some really deep problems. You say your current partner is now (for what ever reason) willing to make a commitment but there are some serious control issues going on which is never a good thing, and your new male friend wants you to run away with him knowing you are living with another man. Do either of these relationships sound like solid ground to work with? There isn't a way to tell you which one to pick or if you should pick either of them but it would be a good idea to step out of your shoes and take a look at your life as an observer rather than a participant so you have a better picture of what is realistically going on and help you figure out what would make you happy and be more loving to yourself. You might need some guidance from a professional to do that. nancyleeh
Author WoundedWild Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 Nancyleeh, this advice was wonderful, thank you. but it would be a good idea to step out of your shoes and take a look at your life as an observer rather than a participant so you have a better picture of what is realistically going on and help you figure out what would make you happy and be more loving to yourself It is soo true, that I started up one without finishing another. I always do that! I dont know why. It hurts me, and the other person. This time, I wanted to get it right, and for good. I wanted to do something right for a change instead of always chosing temporary pleasure. I am such a coward, I always give up before the miracle. This time I wanted to see the miracle through. The problem is that I lack patience. And usually by the time my SO figures out that if he does not change i will leave, one foot is already out the door. I am not very forgiving when it comes to betraying me, and once I get that feeling about someone, it is hard, so hard to forgive them. Betrayal is not somehting I will stand for. For once, I want to belong. Really. You are probably right. I shoudl probably just let the both of them go, go somewhere different and start new. Start a new life, and really change these flaws. I want to live right. Not just for right now. Thank you.
ash519 Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 i dont know what you should do but it sounds like guest is your current bf? Is that at all possible? Did you do this on your home computer?
Author WoundedWild Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 Hi, Ash519 No, Guest is not my BF, or friend, I think he is confused and most likely thought my story sounded like his or his exes..
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