Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Ive been friends with this guy i know for 2 years now and we have our moments where were really close (friendship wise) and then sometimes we just arent. When we first ever met we liked each other but not enough for it to work nothing ever happened at all though i have really low self esteem so im crap with new relationships.. I see him like everyday and we work together to. I do everything i can to make him happy. I love him to bits and i dont know what i would do without him. Hes just so immature. Hes 2 years older than me (im 17) which isnt much difference but for his age hes really immature with situations like this so its not like i could just come out with it because he gets alot of attention from girls as it is so it would be nothing to him. Sometimes i think im just another one of those girls he knows and then other times i think what we have is special and that maybe im that little bit more special than the others. My friends say im an idiot even though there friends with him to because out of everyone he treats me like crap alot spose its because i let him but i dont let ANYONE else treat me like he does and i dont know what he does to me but its something crazy and its either i really do love him or im just looseing my mind lol. When were with other people he shows off and makes me look like an idiot but without seeking a sympathy vote im used to it and take it like a pinch of salt most of the time. I dont know what to do. Its hard to explain but sometimes its like he doesnt want to get close to me and theres limits to our friendship. Hes affectionate with other girls he knows but when it comes to me he treats me like another guy. He is a good friend when he wants to be and he supports me when he knows im abit down in his own little way. My friend reckons hes got me whipped i run round like an idiot for him most of the time and he knows it doesnt take much to persuade me to do something he wants. I always say to myself "right today i wont say anything to him/call him/text him till he does first, it never works though. Sometimes hes flirtacious with me and sometimes he isnt. I really dont know where i stand and im scared that if i say anything it would ruin everything. Anyone got any ideas?
Raleuse Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Some of us girls with lowish self-esteem manage to act confident unless we fall in love. We then suddenly become sloppy, clingy slaves of the ones we love in hope they will be grateful and love us in return. That's not how it works though, quite the opposite. The problem is your friend who probably likes you, is not into you and he couldn't be because he does not respect you. Why would he respect someone who doesn't respect herself and why would he treat you well when you do whatever he wants and let him walk all over you. He treats you badly in front of others because it's embarrassing how you act around him and since he's immature that's the only way he can deal with it (well he could completely ignore you but I guess he doesn't want to lose whatever it is he gets from you). I know it's hard but you have to work on yourself so that you will not let him belittle you or make you look like a fool and to try and respect yourself so that he does too. You see if you act with him the way you do with your other friends, he will see you as you really are - A wonderful girl and treat you like you deserve to be treated. Doesn't mean he'll love you the way you love him of course. Better not expect that. But at least you will love yourself! You'll be surprised how many guys will be drawn to the new confident you too. Guys love confident women!
Guest Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Raleuse you're so right. I think that's what i needed to hear. I lost someone close to me today and he wasn't even bothered it just makes me think if hes not bothered then why should i? But then again i can just see me going back to how i was i don't know how im going to work on my self esteem but your so right. Thanks.
Raleuse Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Raleuse you're so right. I think that's what i needed to hear. I lost someone close to me today and he wasn't even bothered it just makes me think if hes not bothered then why should i? But then again i can just see me going back to how i was i don't know how im going to work on my self esteem but your so right. Thanks. Sorry about your loss - your friend still thinks the world revolves around him - that's part of his lack of maturity I'm afraid. It's not easy to build our own self-esteem - believe me I know. I'm older than you and still fighting this but getting better each time. It is people like your friend who have made me see what I was doing to myself and work on myself. But it does require a lot of energy and you will sometimes fall back into your old ways. Less with time though. Good luck - I believe in you too.
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 I have been in a situation like yours for around 5 years. It was torture and I was used and thrown away. I have low self esteem as well and can act very confident in most cirmustances and very tough with many guys who mean nothing to me. But then I fell for this one and became clingy needy mess whose only purpose was to please him. My whole life, my whole world revolved around him. He enjoyed the adoration, treated me like crap but always made sure to keep me hooked. He was building up his self esteem by destroying mine. It was funny that he really really liked me at the start and then I destroyed it all by becoming something I despise in others. In the end for me, I got ill with a serious illness and I completly revaluated my life and got rid of him. If it wasn't for that I'm sure I would be in this situation today. Sad thing is, I know you will not be able to turn your back on him no matter what advice we give you. Some things you have to learn for yourself. I wish you all the best.
ScorpioLady Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 i know i wont be able to turn my back on him completely but right now i couldnt give a crap about him. Yesterday i needed him so bad and i thought "come on this is your turn to shine now prove to me you are a good friend" and he didnt give a monkeys. He does think the whole world evolves around him. Hes so used to girls throwing themselfs at him hes full of himself. Im so glad ive realised now honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My situation is abit like yours BlueEyedGirl we likeed each other when we first met but then i turned in to this person i always said i wouldnt and i think it scared him away. Oh well. Thanks so much guys for all your help.
Moai Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 It goes beyond turning into something clingy and needy, etc. Realize that one of the things that makes him so attractive to you is BECAUSE of how he treats you. You're going around thinking, "But if I do this and this and this THEN he'll like me!" and constantly seek his approval. Once you get his approval (which honestly, in this situation you probably won't) he will no longer be attractive. You mentioned that if you say something it would ruin everything. What would it ruin? It would further alienate you from a guy who treats you badly and has no respect for you? Big deal! What's there to ruin? I don't know about all of the ins and outs, obviously, but if I were you I wouldn't be this guy's friend at all. Be nice, say "hi" and that's it. I am sutre that there are worthwhile guys out there that would like to hang out with you and date youo. Why waste your time with a jerk?
ScorpioLady Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 It goes beyond turning into something clingy and needy, etc. Realize that one of the things that makes him so attractive to you is BECAUSE of how he treats you. You're going around thinking, "But if I do this and this and this THEN he'll like me!" and constantly seek his approval. Once you get his approval (which honestly, in this situation you probably won't) he will no longer be attractive. You mentioned that if you say something it would ruin everything. What would it ruin? It would further alienate you from a guy who treats you badly and has no respect for you? Big deal! What's there to ruin? I don't know about all of the ins and outs, obviously, but if I were you I wouldn't be this guy's friend at all. Be nice, say "hi" and that's it. I am sutre that there are worthwhile guys out there that would like to hang out with you and date youo. Why waste your time with a jerk? You know i totally agree with everything you said. Makes a world of sence but unfortunatly its not as easy as just washing your hands of someone youve known for so long. Its like he has this great power of one minute being able to be so nasty and leave me wondering why i bother with him and the next he'll give me a look of "i was only joking" and im at his every need again. If you met me you would see i appear so confident and strong minded and you wouldnt IMAGINE i could EVER be like i am when im with him. Its crazy. Maybe this is the real me and maybe im kidding myself when i walk round like im so confident etc... Bottom line is this guy has been my "friend" for over 2 years now and i dont think i have what it takes to let go. Hes just apart of my life and i really dont know how you can go from speaking to someone every single day to just not at all. We have our moments where you wuold think were the best of friends...inseperable but then we have these moments where you would think we hated each other. Those good moments seem such a shame to let go of. Any suggestions of what i should do?
Moai Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 You know i totally agree with everything you said. Makes a world of sence but unfortunatly its not as easy as just washing your hands of someone youve known for so long. Its like he has this great power of one minute being able to be so nasty and leave me wondering why i bother with him and the next he'll give me a look of "i was only joking" and im at his every need again. If you met me you would see i appear so confident and strong minded and you wouldnt IMAGINE i could EVER be like i am when im with him. Its crazy. It seems to be the nature of things, sadly. It is the whole "push-pulll" nature of relating, especially between the sexes. I am not sure how one person's approval can mean so much--and I have been on both sides of it--but there it is. I think that when you find the personwhose approval means so much to you but they are never mean and cherish you is when you have found love. Sappy, yes, but I would hold out for nothing less. Maybe this is the real me and maybe im kidding myself when i walk round like im so confident etc... Bottom line is this guy has been my "friend" for over 2 years now and i dont think i have what it takes to let go. Hes just apart of my life and i really dont know how you can go from speaking to someone every single day to just not at all. We have our moments where you wuold think were the best of friends...inseperable but then we have these moments where you would think we hated each other. Those good moments seem such a shame to let go of. Any suggestions of what i should do? I don't think that you have to do anything. Friendships come and go, and while you can't imagine it now, it is unlikely that you'll still know him two years from now. If you do, the dynamics of your relationship will be very different. It is the nature of things. Most of the people we know throughout our lives are with us only briefly. When the time is right, you'll start seeing less of each other naturally. One day you'll wake up and realize it has been a year since you talked to him. It sounds horrible, but it happens so naturally that you won't notice. I would say that your chances of dating him are slim to none, so start to focus on other guys ASAP. If you still want to be friends with this guy, cool, but I'd back off for a while. Date, date, date. Nothing serious, just hang out with as many other guys as you can, to get a sense of what other guys are like, and that you can have strong bonds with them, too. The good moments might be very good, but no matter how good they can't outweigh the bad--especially if he is cruel to you in public. That is abusive behavior, and if it makes you feel bad you should tell him straight out. It should be a deal breaker. He should be sensitive to your feelings, and do his best to make you feel good all the time. That's what friends do. That's what I do, and that's what my friends do for me.
Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Ive been friends with this guy i know for 2 years now and we have our moments where were really close (friendship wise) and then sometimes we just arent. When we first ever met we liked each other but not enough for it to work nothing ever happened at all though i have really low self esteem so im crap with new relationships.. I see him like everyday and we work together to. I do everything i can to make him happy. I love him to bits and i dont know what i would do without him. Hes just so immature. Hes 2 years older than me (im 17) which isn't much difference but for his age hes really immature with situations like this so its not like i could just come out with it because he gets alot of attention from girls as it is so it would be nothing to him. Sometimes i think im just another one of those girls he knows and then other times i think what we have is special and that maybe im that little bit more special than the others. My friends say im an idiot even though there friends with him to because out of everyone he treats me like crap alot spose its because i let him but i don't let ANYONE else treat me like he does and i don't know what he does to me but its something crazy and its either i really do love him or im just losing my mind lol. When were with other people he shows off and makes me look like an idiot but without seeking a sympathy vote im used to it and take it like a pinch of salt most of the time. I dont know what to do. Its hard to explain but sometimes its like he doesnt want to get close to me and theres limits to our friendship. Hes affectionate with other girls he knows but when it comes to me he treats me like another guy. He is a good friend when he wants to be and he supports me when he knows im abit down in his own little way. My friend reckons hes got me whipped i run round like an idiot for him most of the time and he knows it doesnt take much to persuade me to do something he wants. I always say to myself "right today i wont say anything to him/call him/text him till he does first, it never works though. Sometimes hes flirtacious with me and sometimes he isnt. I really dont know where i stand and im scared that if i say anything it would ruin everything. Anyone got any ideas? I TRY MY BEST TO NEVER CAUSE ANY PROBLEMS REGARDING RELATIONSHIP AND EMOTIONS SO I BOW OUT AND LET U TELL ME IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK SOMETIME
Raleuse Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Hes just apart of my life and i really dont know how you can go from speaking to someone every single day to just not at all. We have our moments where you wuold think were the best of friends...inseperable but then we have these moments where you would think we hated each other. Those good moments seem such a shame to let go of. Any suggestions of what i should do? Ideally, you should cut him off completely because that would be much more easy to do. You can have good moments with kind, respectful friends. BlueEyedGirl's post is so spot on and she was 'lucky' that circumstances 'helped' her break free from the relationship. But I know it's not something you will be able to do - since you meet him daily. He won't let you IMO as he needs his fix of trashing your self-esteem and feeling good being adored. My advice - which is what I have been doing but I can tell you it's not a perfect solution - would be to stand up to him when he belittles you or asks you to do things that you wouldn't do for anyone else. I just say 'I don't like the way you speak to me' and turn my back. My friend usually comes after me saying he was "only joking" to which I usually reply 'it's a bad joke'. He says I'm making a big thing out of nothing and that I'm a sulker (translation of raleuse ), but I don't care as I know I'm only standing my ground. He also says that he won't say anything to me if that's how I react and I usually don't answer (as in 'fine by me'). There have been times where I had to leave to prove my point and he would accuse me of abandoning him and not being a true friend. But he does come back at the latest the next day as if nothing happened. If yours doesn't, it's his loss - and frankly you'll feel even more free than you did when you read my post - but I doubt he won't.
ScorpioLady Posted November 10, 2006 Posted November 10, 2006 Welll you'll be happy to know ive cut him off completely, cut a long story short i told him i dont see him as a friend cus of how he is with me he went abit mad and said who the hell do i think i am i told him hes not been there for me at all and now were nto speaking. At the moment im abit upset about it but hey! Its going to be so weird not being with him anymore =( Im off out tonight for my birthday so should be great, shame he wont be there but neh mind.
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