dropdeadlegs Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I've been with my BF for 2 years. We each have our own homes. We started out seeing each other every Tuesday night and every other weekend (we both have kids.) We spent a weeklong vacation (no kids) together 8/05. During Hurricane Katrina (8/05) and the aftermath my kids and I stayed at his place for a week (there was no school and my place of employment had no electricity that week.) After that my kids and I started spending every weekend at his place. In May I was fully prepared to talk to him about spending alternating weekends at each others homes because I was feeling like it was unfair for several reasons: 1) His home only has two bedrooms and his daughter (16) spends every weekend with him. This puts my kids (8 and 5) on the living room floor and with no personal space. 2) He always had access to his stuff, yet I was doing my best to pack whatever I may need for a weekend. 3) It just didn't feel equal and was beginning to feel very one-sided with me always being the "giver." However, on the weekend I planned to discuss this, he found his father dead in his home. His father lived next door and he saw him pretty much daily. My BF was very distraught, his mother had died when he was 10. He asked us to stay longer than the weekend and took a week of vacation to make funeral arrangements. School had just let out for the summer. I would go home weekly and get my mail and anything else I might need and after several weeks had much of my stuff there. During this time we spoke of moving in together once his father's estate was settled since he would inherit some cash allowing for a larger home (he has a mobile home on owned land.) I recognize that it was not the right time to have those kind of conversations due to the raw emotions after losing a parent. Things were pretty good, but I was not totally comfortable and after 7 weeks I was itching to have all the comforts of home. I spoke of my need to go home and he seemd to understand, but he seemed so sad about me leaving that I didn't go. Eventually it was mid-August and I had to return home due to school starting. After three weeks of spending every weekend at his place (again) I brought up the subject of alternating weekends and his response was that he just isn't comfortable at my place. I responded that I wasn't totally comfortable in his home either, but that I had made his home "mine" through lots of little touches. I have cleaned and organized his place, purchased new towels and bedding, and brought kitchen items from my own home that I felt were necessary. My kids and I each have a drawer for our clothes. He said that he understood how I felt and that he had been through this before. I know a lot about his last relationship and this was an issue, but they had lots of other issues that we don't have. We talked, but I didn't feel like we had any resolution and I admit I got overly emotional, I think because this had been on my mind for so long. The next day I gave him a card explaining that I was sorry for being so emotional and that I would like to talk some more because I didn't feel I had any answers. We were going out to eat with a large group of friends and he read the card in his bedroom while getting ready. I asked him during the drive to the restaurant what he thought about it and he only responded "we'll be alright, baby." Well, that was six weeks ago and there has been no change. I have spent two weekends at my home and spent three weekends at his. He has spent a total of 11 HOURS at my home during this time. Last weekend I was resolved to get to the bottom of this and wrote a letter. I like the written word because it allows me to organize my thoughts. I also fear that I will say something that will come out wrong, and once spoken words are out there you can't take them back. I took my little letter with me to his house, but started feeling like written words were unfair because they don't allow someone to speak back so I decided I would speak to him by reading the letter to him. He wasn't in the best of moods, a bit tired and cranky because he had to work that day when he was supposed to be off. Maybe I chose a bad time or maybe he's tired of my letters and cards, but he seemd anoyed and just said "are you gonna read it or what?" I didn't feel like I had made a big production out of it, but at that moment I wasn't feeling like I even wanted to have a discussion at all due to his tone. So I just said "no." 30 minutes later he was sleeping and I was so hurt I couldn't sleep at all. It was 8:30 and what I really wanted to do was go home, but my car was at a friend's (he was changing my struts.) The next day was my birthday and I didn't want to spoil my day so I didn't say anything about any of it. Now I find myself feeling so resentful that I have even HAD to ask about this situation a third time and am analyzing our whole relationship makeup. Overall I think it's good, but if I can't resolve conflicts with this man I can't see a future for us. I'm angry, disappointed and have been displaying passive/aggressive behavior and I can't stand myself for doing it. Today is Thursday and this will be my weekend to stay home. I don't think he will come and I suppose it will offer another opportunity to bring the subject up. This is a very long post and if I have somehow managed to keep your attention this long, I need advice on how to stop feeling so resentful so that I can get this resolved without showing my anger. I feel like I'm going to blow when the situation comes up and I'm just not sure I want to break up with him. I'm okay with living apart, I would just like equal time and an equal partner. I've seen some very wise words in reading posts and often advice from someone not at all involved is the best advice one can receive. I am ready for anything you have to share. Thank you!
tanbark813 Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Well it does sound like it's very one-sided and unfair of him to not spend more time at your place. But I do think you're being a little too wishy-washy about it all: I spoke of my need to go home and he seemd to understand, but he seemed so sad about me leaving that I didn't go. I took my little letter with me to his house, but started feeling like written words were unfair because they don't allow someone to speak back so I decided I would speak to him by reading the letter to him. He wasn't in the best of moods, a bit tired and cranky because he had to work that day when he was supposed to be off. Maybe I chose a bad time or maybe he's tired of my letters and cards, but he seemd anoyed and just said "are you gonna read it or what?" I didn't feel like I had made a big production out of it, but at that moment I wasn't feeling like I even wanted to have a discussion at all due to his tone. So I just said "no." From the guy's side of things bringing an important letter but then not reading it would be pretty annoying. I think you'll feel less resentful if you take more of a stand. Read him the letter regardless of the circumstances so you guys can get all your cards on the table. Then put it simply that you guys will alternate weekends and if he doesn't come out when it's his turn then you guys just won't see each other. Then stick to what you say.
magichands Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Overall I think it's good, but if I can't resolve conflicts with this man I can't see a future for us. I'm angry, disappointed and have been displaying passive/aggressive behavior and I can't stand myself for doing it. I think you have to let the past go. You're in this "mess" because you failed to assert yourself. But that doesn't mean that you can't be assertive from this point onwards. Learn to negotiate - and know what you are each getting. I don't mean that you need to be stubborn - just to know that he is actually making compromises for you. Is he?
JackJack Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused by the post. JUst trying to make sure I'm clear on things. So you have a home as of now? Correct? You're just upset that he doesn't spend some of his time or weekends with you at your home? You all can't date each other but you live in your home and he in his? I must say though, it is a little selfsih of him to not at least come to your place and stay once in a while. However he does have a daughter who comes to stay with him every weekend as you mentioned. I don't think its fair though that you go to his place all the time. If you all have no other real issues, I'm sure this is something that you both can find a compromise on.
Author dropdeadlegs Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 Well, apparently I have lost interest in my own post. Actually, I appreciate all who replied but I have put on my happy face once again. I suppose I was looking for somewhere/someone to vent my feelings. Thank you for listening. For the record, I'm home this weekend, alone, but I have chosen to embrace my "alone" world because it gives me so much LS time! If BF were here I would feel obligated to "make him feel more comfortable in my home" about now. We had a great "alone time" day (well about 5 hours) yesterday and I just felt differently afterwards. I felt like the anger had lifted and the laughter had resumed. I got myself stuck in that resentment place of mind and feel much better to have let it go. My own signature applies....suffering is OPTIONAL. Sometimes you gotta say it to hear it. This is a very interesting place, every topic under the sun and it has been an interesting ride thus far.
alphamale Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Well, apparently I have lost interest in my own post. That's too bad DDL...I was going to comment but there's no point in it now.
Walk Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 I undersatnd that you wanna see him a lot... But I kind of feel for your kids. I'm sure you're doing good for them, but I don't think I'd really like it if I were a kid and my mom drug me off to sleep on the floor of some guys house for weeks at a time. I know I'm criticising your decision here, but I'm not trying to say I think you're a bad mother or anything, just hoping you'll think about how this affects your kids... I really believe that kids (especially young kids) need a stable, permenant place. not constantly shifting from one house to another.
Author dropdeadlegs Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 I undersatnd that you wanna see him a lot... But I kind of feel for your kids. I'm sure you're doing good for them, but I don't think I'd really like it if I were a kid and my mom drug me off to sleep on the floor of some guys house for weeks at a time. I know I'm criticising your decision here, but I'm not trying to say I think you're a bad mother or anything, just hoping you'll think about how this affects your kids... I really believe that kids (especially young kids) need a stable, permenant place. not constantly shifting from one house to another. Thank you for replying. That actually IS my concern. My kids love this guy because he is a "kid" person. they don't seem to mind their lack of "personal space", but I DO. That's why I'm home again this weekend. But I also recognized that even though I have this issue, I am also with a man that I truly enjoy being with. But I am looking at this situation seriously. I don't want the years to go by and have my kids say "you were so selfish" so I intend to see and love the man, but also to give more regard to the fact that spending so many weekends over there is actually pretty selfish on my part. The deal with his Dad dying and the inheritance is just about over and he can either buy a bigger home and ask us to move in, or he can see me/us in a way that is more fair to me kids and their needs. All in all I think it will be worked out and that I can have my cake AND eat it too! But the resentment was just making me miserable and I had to let it go for now. He really loves us all and accepts the "total package" aspect, but today I'm exactly where I need to be. thanks!
Author dropdeadlegs Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 That's too bad DDL...I was going to comment but there's no point in it now. Darn, I wish I knew how to quote from multiple postings within one thread....Maybe I'll take the time to figure it out or some kind soul will educate me.... Feel free to comment, Alphamale. I just wanted those who had replied previously to know that I appreciated their thoughts. Yours would be appreciated as well:D
tanbark813 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Darn, I wish I knew how to quote from multiple postings within one thread....Maybe I'll take the time to figure it out or some kind soul will educate me.... Press the quote button--not the one that says "Quote" but the one with an actual quotation mark--on every post you want to quote. Then hit one of the regular "Quote" buttons.
Author dropdeadlegs Posted October 29, 2006 Author Posted October 29, 2006 Press the quote button--not the one that says "Quote" but the one with an actual quotation mark--on every post you want to quote. Then hit one of the regular "Quote" buttons. This is definitely off subject, but Tanbark is such an angel, he even has a halo! Thanks a bunch. I'll try it next time!
tanbark813 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 This is definitely off subject, but Tanbark is such an angel, he even has a halo! That's just to hide my horns.
Author dropdeadlegs Posted October 29, 2006 Author Posted October 29, 2006 That's just to hide my horns. The devil on my right shoulder mentioned that to me.
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