Tried Everything...Discouraged

[b52srock]

As a divorced mother of 2 teens I'm finding it hard to find anyone to date. I don't have the body of a Barbie (about 10 lbs. heavier than I'd like to be), but I dress well, carry myself well, and I'm certainly not a "troll" in the looks department. Most people are quite surprised to find out I'm actually 43 (general concensus is I look more like mid to late 30's). I'm educated, well spoken, and can talk about anything from music to politics with no problem. I take care of my skin (fair Irish complete with red hair!). I have had some medical issues for the past 6 months or so that have prevented me from being able to work out other than walking.

 

I live in a small town with very few single men, none of which interest me in the least (and none of them have given me a second look, either, so its apparently mutual). I've joined every dating site on the net, from Match.com to Yahoo to FriendFinder, all to no avail. I've sent winks, emails, you name it, yet weeks go by without a single person even looking at my profile. I know we're all very visual and I don't photograph well, but good grief.

 

I've gone to bars with friends (and sit at the table watching everyone's purses while they dance), church (only happily married men there), political meetings (all over 50), everywhere I've been told are great places to meet a single man.

 

I smile, I laugh, I don't talk about my ex.

 

I'm very, very discouraged. Perhaps I'll grow old and raise cats.

[Mythical]

Well I guess I can't really give any advice, because yu semm to be doing everything right and seem like a very nice person.

I hope something works out for you, just don't get discouraged you seem awesome!

[Guest]

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you, especially since I am in a similar situation in the sense that my love life quotient is currently at zero. The only thing I can say is that I try to stay away from the mentality that not being in a relationship = being alone or not having a life, because that amounts to judging the value of my life by whether or not I happen to be dating someone. There are so many things in my life that I could be working on, improving, and pursuing other than romance.

 

And then, what happens if I find someone and things don't work out? Will I go back to feeling like something's missing? Will I only feel "complete" when I have a mate? That's giving a whole lot of power to this imaginary "Mr. Right" who's supposed to be out there somewhere.

 

When I get into that mode where I feel that a relationship would miraculously improve the quality of my life, I'm basically setting myself up for unhappiness, because as you said, you can do everything right and still not have luck in that area. It takes two to tango, and if that other person is not responsive, there's not much I can do about it. I don't want to base my happiness on something that, after a certain point, is out of my hands anyway.

 

So for me personally, I don't feel that my goal should be to find Mr. Right, but maybe to determine why I sometimes put so much emphasis on that idea... what do I think this person would give me? Validation, company, the excitement of a new relationship? Are there other ways to get these things?

 

I think it is natural to want that kind of companionship. Some say it is a basic human need, and that idea comforts me, because sometimes I do feel that my occasional sadness over my lack of romance is a sign of weakness and neediness (and in my case, it is. It's a way of distracting myself from the things I actually do need to work on in my life... a way of trying to find the solution to my problems in someone else). But for me, the reality is that I'm not in a relationship, and there's not anything I can do to force the matter... so I may as well focus on what I do have control over. I'm still working on that.

 

I'm not suggesting that you are wrong to feel the way you do, or that you should change your mindset. I'm just sharing that I feel discouraged as well at times, and my only conclusion is that I can't control other people, so I try to focus on myself and things I can do on my own to improve the quality of my life.

[peterparks]

Hang in there. Keep the hope floating. You'll love again one day. Good luck to you!

[Guest]

Hmmmmmm....i Don't Get It Either? Are All The Men Gay Where U Live?

[b52srock]

Hmmmmmm....i Don't Get It Either? Are All The Men Gay Where U Live?

 

If it were only that simple!

 

For some, it may sound strange, but it isn't even the physical (sex) that I miss in being in a relationship. Its having someone over the age of 17 to talk things over with...to snuggle on the couch with and watch movies...just someone that I know I can call when I need a friendly voice.

 

Yeah, I've got female friends, sorority sisters, that sort of thing, but its just not the same, you know?

[LexiB]

Its having someone over the age of 17 to talk things over with...to snuggle on the couch with and watch movies...just someone that I know I can call when I need a friendly voice.

Yeah, I've got female friends, sorority sisters, that sort of thing, but its just not the same, you know?

 

Boy do I know

[riobikini]

B52srock:

 

I know what it's like to live in a small town and, after "looking over" the locals, decide the "pickins' " are pretty slim.

 

(Smile)

 

It's not that you are looking for the latest celebrity, either, that causes just a little depression of sorts, when you look at who's available near you.

 

But the reality of that is, even in the most small towns -you simply haven't met *everyone*, yet.

 

It isn't possible to have met everyone -that is- unless you're the local census-taker.

 

*Don't* be discouraged -while the love of your life may not be residing in the town you live in, he *may* just be in the next town nearby.

 

Do a little "traveling".

 

I also suggest that, if you can come up with a decent-sized list of interests and activities that you like, it might be a good idea to look for social groups, committees, charity organizations, sports hobbyists, and other means of meeting, working, and socializing with others, who are more likely to have the same interests as you.

 

Don't give up, yet.

 

(Smile)

 

You actually sound like you have a lot of spunk, but are worried about your "best" years passing you by.

 

If you continue to care for yourself, keep your confidence, and apply a few sound, basic suggestions to keep you a little more socially involved -it should be only a matter of time (certainly not a *long* time!) that you meet someone with whom you have mutual appeal, interests, and goals.

 

So the key is effort, and patience.

 

I wish you lots of good luck -and I'm sure you'll do fine.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[dgiirl]

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you, especially since I am in a similar situation in the sense that my love life quotient is currently at zero. The only thing I can say is that I try to stay away from the mentality that not being in a relationship = being alone or not having a life, because that amounts to judging the value of my life by whether or not I happen to be dating someone. There are so many things in my life that I could be working on, improving, and pursuing other than romance.

 

And then, what happens if I find someone and things don't work out? Will I go back to feeling like something's missing? Will I only feel "complete" when I have a mate? That's giving a whole lot of power to this imaginary "Mr. Right" who's supposed to be out there somewhere.

 

When I get into that mode where I feel that a relationship would miraculously improve the quality of my life, I'm basically setting myself up for unhappiness, because as you said, you can do everything right and still not have luck in that area. It takes two to tango, and if that other person is not responsive, there's not much I can do about it. I don't want to base my happiness on something that, after a certain point, is out of my hands anyway.

 

So for me personally, I don't feel that my goal should be to find Mr. Right, but maybe to determine why I sometimes put so much emphasis on that idea... what do I think this person would give me? Validation, company, the excitement of a new relationship? Are there other ways to get these things?

 

I think it is natural to want that kind of companionship. Some say it is a basic human need, and that idea comforts me, because sometimes I do feel that my occasional sadness over my lack of romance is a sign of weakness and neediness (and in my case, it is. It's a way of distracting myself from the things I actually do need to work on in my life... a way of trying to find the solution to my problems in someone else). But for me, the reality is that I'm not in a relationship, and there's not anything I can do to force the matter... so I may as well focus on what I do have control over. I'm still working on that.

 

I'm not suggesting that you are wrong to feel the way you do, or that you should change your mindset. I'm just sharing that I feel discouraged as well at times, and my only conclusion is that I can't control other people, so I try to focus on myself and things I can do on my own to improve the quality of my life.

 

This was a really good post... Too bad it was posted under guest.

 

I feel discouraged too, and more often than not, it's because I feel the need to be in a relationship. Yet, I'm still healing from my past relationship that ended 1.5 years ago. Yah, I'm still healing. I'm not anywhere I was when it first happened, but I do realize that if I got into a relationship right now, I'd be a basket case

 

Thanks Guest for this post. You made me question a few things

[Guest]

someone gently walking up behind u and giving u a hug, kissing your neck as a star filled sky covers u like a blanket

 

giving a back massage until u fall asleep while myles davis plays in the background

 

waking up and finding breakfast waiting for u on the bed side table

 

coming home after working overtime and supper is waiting for u and the kids are doing their homework

 

having phil and janet over for those 4 some parties during the summer

 

sigh