Getting angry....

[AriaIncognito]

I wrote this for my blog today but felt like posting it here as a way of expressing how I'm currently feeling...happy reading. Hopefully I replaced all the swear words...lol

 

I've been feeling really crappy these past view days. I've come down with a cold, or something of that effect. That's been since Tuesday night. I was at the gym on the treadmill and all of a sudden was noticing that I had a drip in my throat and my teeth felt funny (this happens to me with sinuses, I know it's weird but it always happens). I hadn't gotten much sleep (ok like 4 hours over 2 days time) by then so I figured maybe I just needed some rest. I got to bed at a decent hour on Tuesday night. Woke up Wednesday morning still not feeling great but I went in to work. I was sneezing and blowing my nose all day long and felt awful. Eventually I went home at 5pm because I couldn't take it anymore and my boss told me to leave. I had talked to him a little earlier because I wanted to know if i should work from home today if I was still sick or if he'd rather I take the sick day. He told me to work from home if i felt ok enough to work but didn't want to drive in, so that's what I'm doing today. I still feel crappy, didn't sleep very well last night for some reason I couldn't fall asleep then I'd wake up a lot. Had some weird dreams, some of which included you know who which I'm less than thrilled about for the obvious reasons.

 

Speaking of him. I've felt myself getting really upset and angry about his actions of the past few months. The fact that he told me he "chatted with some others" really got under my skin and makes me angry. (he said that he didn't date anyone during this time back because he didn't think it would be fair to me. so bascially, he was committed to me, but not.) How could I ever trust him again even if he did realize his mistake in letting me walk away, when he can so easily hop online and chat with his next potential victims? Not sure I could at this point. A lot of trust was lost. I know he was allowed to see other people, and no I shouldn't be mad that he just chatted with some, but the fact that he WANTED to chat with them, makes me mad (and makes me sad). The fact that I wasn't enough, makes me mad. The fact that I did anything and everything for this man and i still wasn't good enough for him, makes me MAD. It also makes me cry. Which is what I'm doing right now while typing this.

 

He sent me a text message to my cell phone randomly on tuesday afternoon. I don't understand why. (he basically asked me how work was that day, and said he just wanted to say hi.) It's not like we have been talking. He sits online all night and i know he's there and he doesn't talk to me. So why did he have to text me? Is he afraid I've forgotten about him and how much f'ing pain he's caused me? Does he think i've already stopped crying, when in actuality I cry every f'ing day over who I thought was a good person that I'd love to spend life with only turned into being someone that couldn't feel anything but like for me? Can he really be that dense? I guess it's good that I'm starting to get angry. I don't think I got this angry last time. I'm really reeling inside right now. It just makes me so mad that he could so easily dispose of me and my feelings, and have no consideration for me and my feelings by texting me 5 days after I broke it off when he knows I told him once again that I loved him and was only walking away because he wasn't loving me properly in return.

 

I have mixed emotions now when I think about the future. I also have mixed emotions about who he turned out to be as a person. In some ways, I wish he'd prove me wrong and be all that I believed he could be. In some ways, I wish I could just erase him from all my memories so that I could move forward. Unfortunately, only time and space will allow me to erase him albeit it only partially from my heart and mind, and I'm very doubtful that he'd ever realize what a mistake he made in passing this relationship up. I'd like to say that I'd not be so stupid as to take him back if he were to come back to me, but I'm probably not that bright and would harbor hope that the relationship I always wanted with him, would finally occur. And who knows, maybe it could, but it certainly wouldn't be easy now that so much trust has been betrayed and so many of MY feelings have been hurt. Not once did my mind or heart stray in wanting to date someone else while he was in my life. Why is it that I'm so easily replaceable with simply the "idea" of another person who "might" be better? I know, I know, it has nothing to do with me. And you're right. In this case, it truly was a "he just didn't feel about you the way you felt about him" or a "not everyone you love will love you back" type thing. I guess I'm just really bitter as to why, when everything felt so great (when he was letting go - no i'm not delusional i know the entire timeframe was not great and that he was hurting me) he wasn't able to realize what he had before him. I worked very hard at maintaining that relationship and he didn't work at all. Maybe that's truly the kind of person he is. Maybe I had him all wrong. Maybe he's just selfish and that's all he'd ever be capable of, but honestly, I don't think that's the case. He was very giving, when he was "with me". It's just those times when he was pulling away or not "with me" that he'd become very selfish. There's room for some selfishness within a relationship, I know it exists for all, but there obviously has to be some sort of balance, which just wasn't there at this point. I felt like I was giving of my mind, body and soul, and well, he was giving whatever he felt like it, whenever the need arose, but never 100%.

 

I'm just so f'ing angry.

 

And I'm angry at myself. Is my judgement just THAT bad? Or is he just THAT depressed? I guess I'll never know. I still hope for his sake that he seeks some help, as he truly needs it if he wants to be happy in the future. I feel sorry for his next victim because if he doesn't get help, she'll go through everything I just went through, and what T before me went through. Granted, she went through it a lot shorter time as he didn't stick around as long, but he fed her the same crap basically that he fed me, which leads me to believe that maybe it's not the women.

 

I'm rambling. I need to stop. Thanks for listening.

 

I'm sad.

 

Jennifer

[Ssheena]

Hey,

 

I'm glad you are entering the angry phase. Progress.

So, there used to be this punk group called L7. They have a song called "Sh** List". Lyrics go along the lines of:

when I get mad and

I get pissed

I grab out a pen and write out a list

of all you ass*'s who won't be missed

You've made my sh** list.

 

Or even Courtney Love's/Hole lyrics - that go someday you will ache like I ache. etc, etc.

But then again, I also listen to Believe by Cher over and over and over and over.

 

I'm sorry you are sick. Your system must be (duh) totally just wiped with all the stress and no sleep.

Maybe we could start a list of songs to get over lovers by? Not any of those, oh I miss you, I'm so sad, I'll never love anybody but you etc..songs but songs like Independant Woman by Destiny's Child, I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor etc., etc. Take the "L" out of Lover and it's Over...did you ever notice that? There is an old song with that title too. (I'm dating (age wise) with that song).

BTW, I put my blog listing on my profile..I'd like to see yours too!

Ssheena in the snow/blizzard today.

[bendit]

Ariawoman, you are always thinking about and writing about Him. Your focus is always on Him. You desire him to fix himself. What about you?

 

Its you who needs fixin my dear. All of us copers are here because We need fixin. We are the ones "hurting" not them. You are the one staying in contact, bringing pain to yourself. You are the miserable one. You are the one that knows what you do by staying in contact and refusing to "move on" makes you sick, yet you continue doing it. You know all about NC don't you?

 

But NC is not for you is it? What does being in contact "buy" you? What does wallowing in the misery buy you? What does complaining about Him and what he does or doesn't do, buy you? What is in it for you? What is the pay-off for Ariawoman?

 

Does it make Ariawoman seem, to outside observers, like the sad unhappy person who can't cope and can't succeed with her love life? Why do you want people to think that?

 

You are the one who is Miserable, yet you continue to wonder about him. He is not here "coping". He does not sound unhappy. Why should he change? Yet you ask, when will he "fix" himself?

 

What about you? Isn't it time to realize that your happiness is Your responsibility? Isn't it time to stop worrying about him, and start to work on yourself? It is not his responsibility to Rescue you from your misery. What an immense responsibility to put on someone. Make me happy. What you have been saying over and over and over is that "If Only He Did This, then I will be happy." But people will never meet our expectations. Never.

 

You got a certain result here. How did you get that result? What decisions did you make to get the result that you are living with Now?

 

You are expecting something, a Person, and an unreliable person at that, to make decisions that will make you happy. Good luck with that. It doesn't work that way.

 

Take personal responsibility for your own happiness. You knew the odds of a second chance working here were practically Nil. But despite these facts and advice to the contrary, you went ahead and tried for a second change with an obviously Unavailable Person.

 

You did not desire evidence that this person had changed his behaviors, so that he was suddenly available, suddenly not a commitment-phobe, suddenly ready to be the person you think you desire.

 

Realize that you are attracted to a horribly unavailable man. That *must* mean you have your own obvious commitment issues. Why not try to understand those issues in yourself? Why do you get "stuck" longing for men like this, when plenty of available men out there are looking for Available women? Become an Available woman.

 

Stop trying to change him. Stop wishing he would do something, what you need him to do, so that you can be less miserable, so that you can be "happy."

 

Ariawoman, you are an educated adult. I know you are in a self imposed prison of misery right now. But please take stock of your life, and start focusing on the many many positives you obviously have, first and foremost having the Luxury in your life to blog about your breakup. 85% of the folks in this world wish they had the luxury to blog about their "breakup".

 

Start by focusing on the many many advantages you have living in this country, being physically healthy, having a job, being educated, having friends, having food on the table.

 

Take a breath and try and get some Global perspective about all this. Start taking personal responsibility for your own happiness. Stop blaming him for not making you happy. Turn the blog onto yourself.

 

regards

[AriaIncognito]

Bendit,

 

While you make some accurate points, I don't feel it's entirely fair to basically go to a coping forum and say hey, stop whinging and move on it's all your own fault anyway!. People can get over it, and will do just that, when they are ready. Not on the time line you impose upon them. It's been a whopping 7 days since *I* broke it off with *him*. I didn't intiate contact by IMing, texting or phoning. I didn't text myself asking myself how my day was and tell me it was from him, so please don't say that NC isn't "for me" because well, that's exactly what I've been doing.

 

My being responsible for my own happiness, you are correct. I am the only person who controls what I feel. And right now, I'm allowed to feel like crap, and I'm also allowed to go to a "coping" forum and discuss how i feel, just as much as you're allowed to tell me to get the f over it and move on. You're right, our former s/o's probably aren't on here posting about us. Not that we'd necessarily know if they were. Everyone deals with grief in their own ways, and in their own time. Trying to tell someone their feelings are invalid or of their own doing, is going to have little positive effect.

 

And please stop saying "Him". I'm not posting about God. I'm posting about an ex. He's simply a "him". God can be left out of this.

 

Also for the record if I'm posting, I dont have a "habit of falling for unattainable men". On the contrary. Every relationship i've ever been in, sans this one, has been with a man that was indeed committed to me and our relationship. Make no mistake there.

 

"You did not desire evidence that this person had changed his behaviors, so that he was suddenly available, suddenly not a commitment-phobe, suddenly ready to be the person you think you desire."

 

On the contrary, I did desire this evidence of which you speak. And to be honest, he showed a few signs that he hadn't previously showed in the past, which led me to believe that he very well could have been finally letting go.

 

"Stop trying to change him. Stop wishing he would do something, what you need him to do, so that you can be less miserable, so that you can be "happy." "

 

I'm not really sure how I could change him by not being in his life, but if i'm that powerful, go me. I'm allowed to wish for my own happiness, whatever that entails. All the "little girls" in us wish for our "knights" to come and "rescue" us from the tower. I don't need to be saved, per se. I'm an intelligent, successful, independent woman and I don't NEED him in my life. I WANT him in my life. There's a big difference. I've not been sitting here not living my life because we split up. I do talk about it on here, in my blog, whereever, but I am under the impression that forums like this exist for just such behavior. I've got plans for the next month worth of weekends, so I'm not at a lack at keeping myself busy and getting out and meeting new people.

 

Anyway, I just felt the need to "defend" myself and my feelings, even though I really shouldn't need to. This forum is here to help us cope with our losses. If you wish to not read about them or hate if we don't follow your advice, then kindly skip the threads.

 

Jennifer