Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 When you talk to your spouse about your "concerns, issues, problems, etc" with thee lack of libido, isn't it a catch-22 (make things worse by bringing it up to begin with)? Even if you are loving and honest in your presentation, the spouse who has the lower libido is bound to feel pressured to do what they don't want, and guilt since they aren't doing what they "feel" they need to do. I would think there already are feelings of guilt and pressure to begin with, and having this discussion would make things potentially even worse! If you use the "heavy hammer" method, aren't they likely to get pissed and shut down altogether? Thoughts?
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 maybe but what have you got to lose? Or what else could you do to solve the problem but talk about it?
stoopid_guy Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 When you talk to your spouse about your "concerns, issues, problems, etc" with thee lack of libido, isn't it a catch-22 (make things worse by bringing it up to begin with)? Even if you are loving and honest in your presentation, the spouse who has the lower libido is bound to feel pressured to do what they don't want, and guilt since they aren't doing what they "feel" they need to do. I would think there already are feelings of guilt and pressure to begin with, and having this discussion would make things potentially even worse! If you use the "heavy hammer" method, aren't they likely to get pissed and shut down altogether? Thoughts?Very possible. The talk's as much for you as it is for them though. Without it, they may not even realize there's a problem. With the talk, you're putting some of the responsibility for the success (or failure) of the marriage in their hands. And as FIC said, nothing to loose. It's not like she's going to "cut you off" or anything.
JamesM Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Oh, man! Another case of a lost libido! My suggestion is to go through the Marriage Board and find the many threads regarding low libido. Stoopid guy has one. Flyinclouds said his story in a thread. And of course, I have told my story in a couple of threads. There are numerous others. Please give your detailed story and what may have caused the low libido. How old are you? Your wife/husband? How long married? How long without sex? Any medical problems? Porn user? Any affairs? And keep going. In my case, the major problem was solved...it was medical. Then some minor problems have been solved....Flyinclouds said I needed to be a man... This Board has been a great source of help to me. And if you register, give your story, and hang around...you will find a solution.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 .. And as FIC said, nothing to loose. It's not like she's going to "cut you off" or anything. Let's hope she doesn't cut it off... :lmao::lmao: Yeah, make sure she doesn't have any sharp implements near by when "talking" to her...
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Oh, man! Another case of a lost libido! ....Flyinclouds said I needed to be a man.... No, no, James. Not a man. THE man... Lost libo could be for a variety of reasons, medical, psych, ... But regardless of the cause talking honestly with your SO should be a place to start. Since this issue affect the relationship it should be of concern to both parnters. The consequence of ignoring the problem is usually never good, nor healthy. And complete honesty about how both of you feel and think about each other is required if you want to improve things, IMO. If you hold things back out of fear of making things worse or hurting the SO's feelings or you think they don't want to hear it ... that's not being completely honest. check out marriage builders dotcom... (and yeah, James I probably did say a man, but that's just sloppy writing. Be the man your woman wants. If she doesn't want a man, well then nothing you can do, but if she wants a man in her life be that man first and foremost. Now knowing what the hell kind of man a woman really wants... that ain't easy to figure out. )
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 the spouse who has the lower libido is bound to feel pressured to do what they don't want, and guilt since they aren't doing what they "feel" they need to do. Look at it this way - isn't the low-libido spouse "pressuring" you to do something you don't want to do? So, do you feel guilt for not doing what they feel you need to do - namely, suffer in silence? You have to fight fire with fire and, short of some telepathic communication, speaking up is the only sensible alternative. Personally, I can't understand how any man could simply stand by passively and hope a "no sex, low sex" marriage would just get better on its own. Mr. Lucky
Guest Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Look at it this way - isn't the low-libido spouse "pressuring" you to do something you don't want to do? So, do you feel guilt for not doing what they feel you need to do - namely, suffer in silence? You have to fight fire with fire and, short of some telepathic communication, speaking up is the only sensible alternative. Personally, I can't understand how any man could simply stand by passively and hope a "no sex, low sex" marriage would just get better on its own. Mr. Lucky LOW-LIBIDO COULD HAVE MANY CAUSES: STRESS, DRUG USE, DEPRESSION, ROUTINE, THE LEAFS WINNING THE CUP - THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO SIMPLY TALK ABOUT IT. IF YOU ARE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DISCUSS ANYTHING - BUT DON'T BEAT IT TO DEATH [NO PUN INTENDED]. KEEP THE DISCUSSION SHORT [AGAIN NO PUN INTENDED] AND THEN PERHAPS DISUSS IT THE NEXT TIME U AND THE MS. ARE HUMPING ON THE WASHER AND DRYER.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING? And if they were humping on the washer and dryer I don't think there would be a problem.
Scrivdog Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Cause if you don't, and she catches you cheating, then you won't be able to say that she didn't see it coming.
quankanne Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 When you talk to your spouse about your "concerns, issues, problems, etc" with thee lack of libido, isn't it a catch-22? yep. You're walking on eggshells every time the subject arises if you're trying hard not to be insensitive to the other person's "inadequacies." I think what helps are talking about options – romance, necking, heavy petting, etc – to full out intercourse because it takes the pressure of *having* to do it. I think the one with the low libido convinces him/herself that ONLY actual sexual intercourse counts when really, it's just one of many ways to express yourself emotionally and sexually with your partner.
RecordProducer Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 I would think there already are feelings of guilt and pressure to begin with, and having this discussion would make things potentially even worse! On top of that, if the man is the "guilty one" he feels smaller than a grain of sand when you criticize his performance or libido. But the alternative is unthinkable. They have to know that you did experience a legitimate disappointment.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 yep. You're walking on eggshells every time the subject arises if you're trying hard not to be insensitive to the other person's "inadequacies." I don't want to pick on your choice of words, but I don't think that little or no interest in sex (or your partner's sexual happiness) is an "inadequacy". It's simply a lack of effort in both action and communication. Many parts of a relationship become a challenge over time but someone who wants their marriage to suceed understands that they still have to try. Yes, sometimes it feels like work - not the most romantic thing in the world. And it's too bad that that alone gives some people enough reason to give up on sex. Mr. Lucky
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