How 2 deal with his rejection??

[Heart66]

HELP! To give you some background of my original post: My BF of 14 happy months suddenly pulled away without valid reason, giving me the "I need time/space" song and dance. He stressed to me [even when I flat out asked] that this was NOT a full break up, and spoke in temporary terms. His reasoning was that he felt he wasn't giving me enough attention, as he had other priorities over me at the moment. [Hes a divorced dad of 2--kids live with HIM. Etc-- other stuff, but too long to get into] He suggested a break for a while...giving me freedom, and freeing himself of guilt that I might put my life on hold while he gets his head together and clears his full plate.

 

Having no choice, I gave him space and time to deal with what was bothering him. All the while, hoping he'd miss me and realize how great we are together. We would have to see each other in about 10 weeks on a group road trip that had been planned prior to our taking "The Break." I figured if he was distant and uncomfortable, this would tell me that his "break" was really a cop out to a full BREAK-UP. The trip came...He couldn't have been NICER! felt like old times. We even shared a hotel room. I decided to talk about 'us' on the airplane ride home. I asked him not only about our break issue, but why he had treated me like he loved me for over a year...but never voiced it.[i knew I loved him, but fear of getting hurt [i]AGAIN[/i] held me back from saying it too...although I eventually did tell him.]

 

To my shock he told me, saying "I love you" was difficult for him due to issues in his upbringing/past. He went on to say that he DID love me and I was important to him and his children, etc...But that he hadn't been IN love in 5 or 6 years! He said that when he asked for space he didnt mean 6 weeks or 2 or 3 months. He just isnt ready to be in love again, and that this break was about trying to be fair to me and my needs. He went on to say that we are friends and this wasn't necessarily over--but he just didn't know one way or the other.

 

So heres the latest...He says were friends and nothing is wrong. But HE is pulling NC on me!--Whats that all about?? I too am doing NC---because he ASKED for space, and because that is the strong advice I've gotten from this site! We ran into each other 6 days after our return home from the road trip. I had the pictures in my car, so I gave him copies of the pictures I had taken, we made comfortable small talk, and he left it at "I'll call you in a few days." That was about 8 weeks ago! WTF! Why is he avoiding me, or NCing me when he said we were friends? Is he waiting for me to call him, as he thinks calling me might re-open my wounds and get my hopes back up for something hes not ready to rekindle?? [becuz, I cried on the airplane when he told me he wasnt in love with me, and he was clearly uncomfortable with my tears, knowing HE caused them] Do you think he thinks I moved on, as seeing I haven't called him in 8 weeks either? OR---Is this his very weak way of ending us completely????? In which case, and my question on this post is: HOW DO I HANDLE AND DEAL WITH UNDESERVED REJECTION, knowing that I did nothing wrong? He is on my mind 24/7. I miss his kids. I was following my gutt/heart, which was that he loves me, but hes not emotionally ready to jump into marriage again. [He knows I am ready--Im 40, and don't want to miss out on having at least one baby] But now, I feel I have to see this as "Actions speak louder than words" and his actions dont match his words! Therefore I am trying to accept his rejection and move on.

 

ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED! I am confused and depressed. I want closure...I just dont know how to go about getting it! Please tell me how to get on with my life without aching over his rejection.

[D-Lish]

Honestly? It sounds like he is a bit of a coward.

NC is his way of of not having to deal with a confrontation.

 

He just doesn't want to face up to anything. He doesn't want to be pressured, or reminded...so he bolts and goes into hiding. He sounds like the kind of person that has been burned badly... so he avoids people and situations that may hurt him again. He shuts off and pushes all his feelings and pain into a small compartment in his brain where it will fester.

 

Continue with the NC- he's not ready yet to deal with a new relationship. He's not rejecting you- he's rejecting the possibility of another painful break up.

 

Don't let yourself get caught up in the hopes that he's simply taking a break from you. By doing that- you deny yourself the opportunity to heal. Just treat this as if it's over and start looking for someone who has dealt with their baggage and can provide you the loving caring relationship you deserve.

 

Just keep believing you deserve better.

D

[Heart66]

D-lish, I was hoping to hear from you! I have read many of your posts, and you always seem to give such sound advice. I know youre not perfect and you don't have all of the answers, but what you suggest always seems to make sense. [just my opinion]

 

Yes, I am trying to treat this as if its completely over and simply move on. [as I have the entire time--even when I was hopeful that he would return] But its tough. There is a huge difference between dating because you WANT to, and dating because you HAVE to. I feel as though I am dating because the person I want doesn't want me. That hurts. I just don't know how to accept this rejection...even though in your opinion, its not rejection.

 

You're right--he doesn't deal well with confrontation. Knowing what I know he's overcome in his not so normal up-bringing, and the fact that he's such a great single Dad, I thought he was a strong person. But, I guess he really isnt as strong as I thought. I've loved before, but have only been IN LOVE 3 times in my life. This is the only time that the love wasn't recipicated, so I am having a really hard time getting it to sink in. Everyday I go back and forth with telling myself to just let it go, and then hoping he'll wake up and come back. Any suggestions as to what I can do to accept this loss, other than NC?

[Kamille]

Ok, for the second time in two days, not to mention the help you gave me on my thread, this is me saying, D, you are so insightful!

 

Heart, I feel for you. He does sound like a bit of a coward and his way of going about ending the relationships is completely unfair to you. The question is: do you really want to be with someone who can "take a break", leave you hanging, and offer no (or little) emotional support for what he is putting you through? I believe your true love could not stand do that to you.

 

At the same time, maybe he is trying to do right by you both and his saying that it wasn't necessarily over might be his way of trying to break it off gently - and give himself a chance to see if he can figure things out. It has the perverse effect of keeping you hanging. He probably does love you and probably wishes he could be in love with you, but for reasons he has to figure out on his own - and which have to do with his past and not you-, is not in love with you. And he knows you deserve Love and nothing less.

 

It is unfair and I wish I had advice to give on how to get over it. This board is here for you anytime your emotions catch up with you.

 

Give it time. You need to heal and move on. I know it always help me to keep in mind that how I feel today is not how I am going to feel next week, next month or next year.