Guest Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 The difference in your situation is that you were not in contact with him for a period of time to give both of you a chance to decide what you each wanted. A good amount of the OWs here are simply too insecure in their relationships and themselves to do something like that. They think that the world will cave in if they don't speak to him every minute of every day. They think that he will *gasp* forget about them and possibly move on to another OW. Who needs a guy like this? Naturally, I don't like to see affairs that end marriages, but that's just me. He is on the high of love with you, like he probably was once with his W. I won't say "guard your heart" as that will only put dampeners on your R. I will say, go with him to a relationship/couples counsellor so that you can talk about what you both want from this new R and can head off some of the problems that contributed to the demise of his M. He owns 50% of that. He needs to take a good look at himself before making a huge new commitment. Best of luck. I think you have hit at the crux of the matter. We can all only speak from our pespective of own lives and what we hear ( read!) or think we know about other people's lives. I realise and accept graciously, that your opinion is measured and well intentioned , conscious and logical, based on the brief details I gave. But for the purpose of supporting other OW on this forum who truly have similar situations, I want to be able to be frank and open about how it all worked. With all due respect to you, the difference in this relationship, is that over time, we have both explored together our "demons"....what makes us happy, what makes us mad, what just confuses the hell out of us... we have just talked...... about why he married and divorced, about why I got married and divorced, what was wrong with those marriages... and why we seemed to connect.... I can understand why you might say, He is in the "high of love", but, it truly is not that superficial. We have done the leg work. We looked at the possible impact on our children, our families, our friends............and to tell you the truth we once said, " We hope that all these people we are protecting from potential hurt, really appreciate the happiness we are giving up by not being together!!". of course that was to relieve tension, but this became the overriding thing........we were both better, stronger, empowered, happy people by being together.... and that was only ever going to be a good thing for everyone around us. So, it happened when the time was right, when we were secure in our relationship to make the changes. And I have to say, that it has worked.
NoIDidn't Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 I can understand why you might say, He is in the "high of love", but, it truly is not that superficial. So, it happened when the time was right, when we were secure in our relationship to make the changes. And I have to say, that it has worked. I just wanted to clarify what seemed to be misunderstood. Its common for EVERYONE to get upset when they hear "oh you are just in the high of love". But that was not my intention. To upset you, that is. Superficial was never a thought, as you sound like you cooled things off considerably and still found yourselves unable to cut the bond. It happens. Not often, but it happens. You R is just so different from what is usually posted here and really just gives others that are in NO WHERE NEAR as mature a R false hope. That's all. Again, I still wish you the best.
Guest Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 I feel sorry for those on the board (usually signed in as "guest") that feel compelled to tell us "exactly" what is wrong with us and what terrible things are going to happen just because we have found happiness after a difficult situation. People come to this board for support through bad AND good times. I'm always happy to hear when someone ends up with their happy ending...whatever that is for them. Those of you that feel compelled to bash need to lighten up a little. You are entitled to your opinions but you don't get to think that you are 100% right and that whatever you believe is the way it should be. Everyone is different and every situation is different. For those of you who have been kind enough to support me when I needed you most I wanted to let you know that I'm having a happy ending too. His divorce will be final by the end of the year and we are planning to get married next year, have children and move forward with our lives together. oh no...heaven forbid someone that does feel that the you did the right thing....hmmm...maybe u need to look at whether u have the ability to take critics as well as praise...when someone points of something true yet painful do u run or listen and make corrections! man, my ex tore out every core element i had and for the most part she did so because parts needed FIXING by me but to make US better was not her motivation because if that was the case WELL, LOL don't get me wrong...if to people can do what u did u obviously love each and are meant to be together...but that doesn't mean i have to support u both for doing it the way u did....come on...look at yer actions...and what price your happiness paid on anothers...cripes all my ex had to do would say hey...this guy really is great in the sack...and poof bye bye...people forget how easy it can be...
Chapter2 Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 A good amount of the OWs here are simply too insecure in their relationships and themselves to do something like that. They think that the world will cave in if they don't speak to him every minute of every day. They think that he will *gasp* forget about them and possibly move on to another OW. Who needs a guy like this? I agree...who needs a guy like that...but I must speak for myself and a few others that I know well on this forum. There are those of us who have left the relationship with dignity and resolve and have purposed to not settle for being the OW again. I am immensely proud of us for our strength and self worth. It is VERY hard to leave someone you love as I'm sure guest would agree. It took every ounce of strength I had but I have stayed the course. Do I hope for an outcome such as guest's? Well, of course I do, but I and others (like Freedom Now for example) have far too much self respect to accept the status of OW any longer. Our world has not caved in and there isn't a doubt in my mind that they will NEVER forget about us. Good luck to you guest! I am very, very happy for you and I wish you every good thing;)
PoshPrincess Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 The story is essentially the same as so many people on here. All the same anguish because of the total secrecy (and the fact that affairs are wrong! and I did keep breaking it off because of that.) Exactly what I kept doing with my ex-MM. It was SO hard and v heartbreaking for both of us. I truly believe that it took the time it did because , although he stopped being in love with his wife long before we met, he really struggled with the realization that we had happened, and that there was now an alternative to the life he thought he was going to live with his wife, not happy but staying put for their son's sake, if that makes sense! Although he'd lost the connection to her on one level, he still felt that loyalty to stay. Also v like my sitch. My ex-MM had two kids and hadn't been happy for a long time. I knew this was the case from mutual friends and also from the fact that we were friends first too. I think he thought his marriage was all there was to life, that it was his 'lot' and he had to put up with it. Unfortunately for me after on/off for a few months, he decided that he couldn't leave his kids and 'although he loves me it's the sacrifice he has had to make'. They didn't have very much money and for a long time, it was just not financially possible for him to move out. I didn't want him to move straight in with me. I wanted us to be able to in an open relationship and see if it really would work out before we committed to living together. Same here - again. I don't think my ex-MM could have paid his wife's mortgage and the rent/mortgage on another place. I also wouldn't have wanted him to move in with me for the same reason as you but also because I have a 3 year old son and it wouldn't have been fair on him. He only ever met ex-MM once and I never introduced him as a boyfriend, jjust a friend. I wouldn't want to bring a man into his life if I wasn't sure it was going to be more permanent. As time went by, I know that I was making it easier for him to stay at home because I never put ultimatums or pressure on him to leave. I wanted him to leave because he had made the decision for himself. I kept thinking that I would always have doubts in the future if I felt that I had pushed him to make the decision. However,a year ago, I finally said to him, that until something changed for him, until he made the final decision, I just really couldn't see him or speak to him again. We had a break of three months. I missed him really badly , but knew that I had to do this for myself. I had made my decision about what I wanted and he had to make his. He got in touch just after Christmas , and told me about the divorce and then it just went from there! My ex-MM and I have been NC for less than 3 weeks. He has tried calling a couple of times that I know of (once left a message, the other time he didn't) and although it is hard I know I have got to stick with it for my own self-respect. Maybe he will realise what he's lost, maybe he'll stay in an unhappy marriage for ever. I hope if he does stay he will try and make thinks work with his W as what's the point otherwise? Of course, I am secretly hoping that like with your MM, Guest, he will see what he's missing and want me exclusively. Who knows? SO SO pleased for your happy ending. Keep us updated on everything that happens. PS BaileyKeg, am V pleased for you too. Was wondering when we were going to hear some news for you! Nice one.
Guest Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 A good amount of the OWs here are simply too insecure in their relationships and themselves to do something like that. They think that the world will cave in if they don't speak to him every minute of every day. They think that he will *gasp* forget about them and possibly move on to another OW. Who needs a guy like this? I agree...who needs a guy like that...but I must speak for myself and a few others that I know well on this forum. There are those of us who have left the relationship with dignity and resolve and have purposed to not settle for being the OW again. I am immensely proud of us for our strength and self worth. It is VERY hard to leave someone you love as I'm sure guest would agree. It took every ounce of strength I had but I have stayed the course. Do I hope for an outcome such as guest's? Well, of course I do, but I and others (like Freedom Now for example) have far too much self respect to accept the status of OW any longer. Our world has not caved in and there isn't a doubt in my mind that they will NEVER forget about us. Good luck to you guest! I am very, very happy for you and I wish you every good thing;) I WOULD NEVER BE SOMEONE THAT WOULD STOP TWO PEOPLE FROM LOVE...U KNOW, ALL U HAD TO DO WAS TELL ME LONG AGO, AND WITH RESPECT AND I WOULD GIVE U MY BLESSING...AFTER ALL, WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES U OR WANTS TO U HAVE TO LET THEM GO - I DID THAT FOR U CHRIS..I'VE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING BUT YOU TO BE HAPPY [AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK ABOUT WHO YOU DECIDED WAS BETTER FOR U. THAT IS SOMETHING I ACCEPT. LIKE THE SONG I GAVE U - I WASN'T STRONG ENUFF TO BE YER MAN. ITS OK IF U FOUND SOMEONE NEW...I'LL STOP NOW...IF UI FOLKS HAVE THE TIME JUST HELP ME GET THIS STUFF BACK AND OFF MY COMPO OK..BYE
BUTAFLY Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 I thought about my post this morning at work and realized that it was not worded properly and harsh..I am really sorry for that. Everyone has the right to be happy, I just still have some hurt and anger left from my situation, we are still together...He did not leave me even AFTER I filed for divorce. We decided to try to make a go of it and so far, we are making progress. As for the other OW's, I understand now after reading the posts on this forum that there is a BIG difference between a serial cheater and someone who happens upon love just in the wrong place. My personal opinion is that even if you fall in love, the married person is off limits, but I realize that my opinions and feelings are my own, and it is not my place to stand in judgment of others. I hope all involved are happy and at peace...Sorry again for the earlier post...really gave myself a lickin for that one! Blessings! That is very big of you. I hope you and hubby continue to mend your marriage & hearts. Keep striving for the happiness you once new. best wishes to both of you
travellingman Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 People make terrible mistakes in relationships, we marry for the wrong reasons and we hurt people we love the most, but if real love comes your way... it will find a way. good point, and I wish you the best, good to hear a success story
lovernotafighter Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 I WOULD NEVER BE SOMEONE THAT WOULD STOP TWO PEOPLE FROM LOVE...U KNOW, ALL U HAD TO DO WAS TELL ME LONG AGO, AND WITH RESPECT AND I WOULD GIVE U MY BLESSING...AFTER ALL, WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES U OR WANTS TO U HAVE TO LET THEM GO - I DID THAT FOR U CHRIS..I'VE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING BUT YOU TO BE HAPPY [AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK ABOUT WHO YOU DECIDED WAS BETTER FOR U. THAT IS SOMETHING I ACCEPT. LIKE THE SONG I GAVE U - I WASN'T STRONG ENUFF TO BE YER MAN. ITS OK IF U FOUND SOMEONE NEW...I'LL STOP NOW...IF UI FOLKS HAVE THE TIME JUST HELP ME GET THIS STUFF BACK AND OFF MY COMPO OK..BYE any one know what this is?? sheesh!
erika2610 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 any one know what this is?? sheesh! I was just wondering the same thing. Maybe he/she is directing this at somebody here?
outofdarkness Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 This is the one thing that I have worried about since beginning my posts on LC...I have a thread that I think someone or multiple have been reading. I do not trust my H, or anyone for that matter. I had thought that I had come further then to feel this way, but as it turns out, after some time, I can't continue to read the OW and Infid. forums w/out getting upset. It's been a cumulative effect, but now I am really depressed and have to take a break..Some things have hit me hard and I am beating myself up again...Thanks to ALL of you for your support and compassion. I will be back at some point, but it is just counter productive now... ps. I didn't quote the post I was referring to but it's the one that is personally addressed to someone...scary for me
Chapter2 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Does anyone have a clue who this is? I WOULD NEVER BE SOMEONE THAT WOULD STOP TWO PEOPLE FROM LOVE...U KNOW, ALL U HAD TO DO WAS TELL ME LONG AGO, AND WITH RESPECT AND I WOULD GIVE U MY BLESSING...AFTER ALL, WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES U OR WANTS TO U HAVE TO LET THEM GO - I DID THAT FOR U CHRIS..I'VE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING BUT YOU TO BE HAPPY [AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK ABOUT WHO YOU DECIDED WAS BETTER FOR U. THAT IS SOMETHING I ACCEPT. LIKE THE SONG I GAVE U - I WASN'T STRONG ENUFF TO BE YER MAN. ITS OK IF U FOUND SOMEONE NEW...I'LL STOP NOW...IF UI FOLKS HAVE THE TIME JUST HELP ME GET THIS STUFF BACK AND OFF MY COMPO OK..BYE
erika2610 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Does anyone have a clue who this is? I WOULD NEVER BE SOMEONE THAT WOULD STOP TWO PEOPLE FROM LOVE...U KNOW, ALL U HAD TO DO WAS TELL ME LONG AGO, AND WITH RESPECT AND I WOULD GIVE U MY BLESSING...AFTER ALL, WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES U OR WANTS TO U HAVE TO LET THEM GO - I DID THAT FOR U CHRIS..I'VE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING BUT YOU TO BE HAPPY [AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK ABOUT WHO YOU DECIDED WAS BETTER FOR U. THAT IS SOMETHING I ACCEPT. LIKE THE SONG I GAVE U - I WASN'T STRONG ENUFF TO BE YER MAN. ITS OK IF U FOUND SOMEONE NEW...I'LL STOP NOW...IF UI FOLKS HAVE THE TIME JUST HELP ME GET THIS STUFF BACK AND OFF MY COMPO OK..BYE No. Too many Guests around here lately. I think it's directed at somebody apparently.
yousaveme Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 That post seems really personal. Has me wondering just who these guests are. There seem to be alot of guest post lately. And when the are on the OW or Inf forums they have been getting nasty and lashing out. What is going on?
lovernotafighter Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 This is the one thing that I have worried about since beginning my posts on LC...I have a thread that I think someone or multiple have been reading. I do not trust my H, or anyone for that matter. I had thought that I had come further then to feel this way, but as it turns out, after some time, I can't continue to read the OW and Infid. forums w/out getting upset. It's been a cumulative effect, but now I am really depressed and have to take a break..Some things have hit me hard and I am beating myself up again...Thanks to ALL of you for your support and compassion. I will be back at some point, but it is just counter productive now... ps. I didn't quote the post I was referring to but it's the one that is personally addressed to someone...scary for me I think that post freaked us all out a little bit OOD. I know about triggers and for awhile I wasn't coming around here to much either.but I do hope you return, you are very insightful and I think I learned allot from reading your perspective and I admire your strength ,courage and honesty through all you have been though. you will be missed.
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