Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 In the beginning it was totally thrilling - not because it was wrong, but because of what was happening to me by having this man in my life. I always knew I would never be the same again after having met him. We had two and half years of an affair, 5 or 6 periods of no contact, all the self reflection, self loathing, despair and pain etc etc But in the end, they got divorced. We are now moving in together and my life is still so much better for him being in it. We all can only perceive life from our own perspective!.....my perspective is.. I trusted that if this was meant to be as good as it always felt, then it would happen. and it has.....and we are both better people for following what we both found to be a very special relationship. People make terrible mistakes in relationships, we marry for the wrong reasons and we hurt people we love the most, but if real love comes your way... it will find a way.
Marielle Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 GLad that it worked for you!!! ANd thanks for sharing, normally the happy ones just leave the board: ARRIVEDERCI I m sure there are good endings, but can you tell me more the whole story, how it developed, how long nc, and for what reasons...did he have kids, did he make you promises... WOuld appreciate to know
BenThereDunThat Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I'm still enough of a romantic that I can be happy for you too! Same here, would love to hear your story. The cynic in me can't up but point out that this is a rarity....and not just here. Statistics bear this out. But still, good for you. It does happen that some people marry the wrong person, and the love they find with someone else is genuine.
Misty_Miller Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 It took 2.5 years of cheating on his wife in order for him to be with you. I don't believe a GOOD man -a REAL man- would ever cheat on his wife for that long before ending the marriage, however, I could be wrong? Perhaps. He was LYING TO HIS WIFE the entire time you were together- cheating on her and their marriage vows (and possibly children). He met you, his soul mate, and was so in love with you and things were so perfect, why didn't he tell his wife and leave her back then? Cheating is cheating and I feel as though a good honest man would never cheat on his wife. He would realize the marriage was not working and he had other "interests" based on his lack in his marriage and would leave his committment FIRST. But that is my feeling on things. I would NEVER want to be with a man who was cheating on his wife and left her because he found me to be more exciting and fulfilling than his wife because I would be fearful that one day he would feel the same about me. Men like this seem to never be satisfied and have little regard for committment and promise of love. Suppose you have a child and you no longer look as youthful, despite you reach your pre-baby weight? There isn't as much time to spend with your man and you have to wonder if he is checking out another woman at the office? You haven't given enough info about the marriage he ended with his affair with you. How long were THEY together? Are there children? This is very important in considering what you perceive as having such true love with this man who didn't have it when he married his ex-wife. The truth is, he must have loved his wife enough to marry her and things were all fun and free back then. He got bored and tired and met you, which sparked a new love interest. Does he have children? Many marriages fail because there is not enough understanding of what each other needs to maintain a relationship beyond the WOO-HOO and excitement, the passion of the new relationship. The love of children being brought into the world and to each others lives; and honestly, after children, (and after several years of marriage), there is just not enough time to keep it so exciting and sensual! The heat he felt was because he was cheating on his wife and found such a thrill he couldn't compare it to his boring wife of [however many years]. I'm sure he told you all kinds of stories of how HORRIBLE she is- but likely you will find out yourself, that some of those stories could likely be his own creation and his own fault. If he were a perfect man he wouldn't have married her. He wouldn't have bad stories to tell you about her, because he truly loved her once. If I were you, I would be fearful that this would turn around to bite you in the rear, because what happens when he gets bored with YOU? Have you considered that his ex was once as fun and delightful as you seem to him currently? I'm sure you have thought a great deal about this situation, however, I am not sure that you realize that the thrilling affair and the novelty of such is definitely a passing thing that, in time will wear off, and you will have to rely on ONLY his love for you! And, IN TIME, just as his ex-wife painfully realized, YOU may be faced with the same situation that his ex-wife felt- crying because he got bored with the normalcy of your relationship, as well! History repeats itself. It is true, though, what you said. Sometimes people marry the wrong mate. I pray this is the case and that you have BOTH (emphasis on BOTH) found your soul mate(s). Best of luck 2 you! In the beginning it was totally thrilling - not because it was wrong, but because of what was happening to me by having this man in my life. I always knew I would never be the same again after having met him. We had two and half years of an affair, 5 or 6 periods of no contact, all the self reflection, self loathing, despair and pain etc etc But in the end, they got divorced. We are now moving in together and my life is still so much better for him being in it. We all can only perceive life from our own perspective!.....my perspective is.. I trusted that if this was meant to be as good as it always felt, then it would happen. and it has.....and we are both better people for following what we both found to be a very special relationship. People make terrible mistakes in relationships, we marry for the wrong reasons and we hurt people we love the most, but if real love comes your way... it will find a way.
PoshPrincess Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I m sure there are good endings, but can you tell me more the whole story, how it developed, how long nc, and for what reasons...did he have kids, did he make you promises... WOuld appreciate to know Ditto. Don't wanna give myself any false hope or anything (I have to believe that my R is finally over or will drive myself insane!) but it's great to hear of happy endings. You go girl, prove the cynics wrong!
outofdarkness Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 i can't help but feel like all of you are sort of selfish people. MM are just that...MARRIED..I do NOT believe in the whole "soul mate" thing. My sister met a man over the internet about 9 years ago and ended up having a heated A..She left her H of 10 years, and her 4 year old son to be with this man who was himself, a MM..His W left HIM with their two toddlers..Niether my sister or her SO ever see their children, and their Ex's were left to clean up the mess and raise the kids on their own...While I realize that every story is unique, this sort of typifies why A's are so very selfish and how many people get mowed over for the sake of true love? If you can live with yourselves and what you did and be happy, more power to ya, but I personally could not sleep at night knowing what I had done to hurt so many...Do you feel good about your MM leaving his W? I wonder what exactly he told you about her? The usual, I'm sure, all bad...Good luck and hope he doesn't tire of you and move on to the next cutie...
yousaveme Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Why is it so hard to be happy for someone in that situtation. If it works out GREAT. You cant help who you fall in love with. It just happens
reneet Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 It took 2.5 years of cheating on his wife in order for him to be with you. I don't believe a GOOD man -a REAL man- would ever cheat on his wife for that long before ending the marriage, however, I could be wrong? Perhaps. He was LYING TO HIS WIFE the entire time you were together- cheating on her and their marriage vows (and possibly children). He met you, his soul mate, and was so in love with you and things were so perfect, why didn't he tell his wife and leave her back then? Cheating is cheating and I feel as though a good honest man would never cheat on his wife. He would realize the marriage was not working and he had other "interests" based on his lack in his marriage and would leave his committment FIRST. But that is my feeling on things. I would NEVER want to be with a man who was cheating on his wife and left her because he found me to be more exciting and fulfilling than his wife because I would be fearful that one day he would feel the same about me. Men like this seem to never be satisfied and have little regard for committment and promise of love. Suppose you have a child and you no longer look as youthful, despite you reach your pre-baby weight? There isn't as much time to spend with your man and you have to wonder if he is checking out another woman at the office? You haven't given enough info about the marriage he ended with his affair with you. How long were THEY together? Are there children? This is very important in considering what you perceive as having such true love with this man who didn't have it when he married his ex-wife. The truth is, he must have loved his wife enough to marry her and things were all fun and free back then. He got bored and tired and met you, which sparked a new love interest. Does he have children? Many marriages fail because there is not enough understanding of what each other needs to maintain a relationship beyond the WOO-HOO and excitement, the passion of the new relationship. The love of children being brought into the world and to each others lives; and honestly, after children, (and after several years of marriage), there is just not enough time to keep it so exciting and sensual! The heat he felt was because he was cheating on his wife and found such a thrill he couldn't compare it to his boring wife of [however many years]. I'm sure he told you all kinds of stories of how HORRIBLE she is- but likely you will find out yourself, that some of those stories could likely be his own creation and his own fault. If he were a perfect man he wouldn't have married her. He wouldn't have bad stories to tell you about her, because he truly loved her once. If I were you, I would be fearful that this would turn around to bite you in the rear, because what happens when he gets bored with YOU? Have you considered that his ex was once as fun and delightful as you seem to him currently? I'm sure you have thought a great deal about this situation, however, I am not sure that you realize that the thrilling affair and the novelty of such is definitely a passing thing that, in time will wear off, and you will have to rely on ONLY his love for you! And, IN TIME, just as his ex-wife painfully realized, YOU may be faced with the same situation that his ex-wife felt- crying because he got bored with the normalcy of your relationship, as well! History repeats itself. It is true, though, what you said. Sometimes people marry the wrong mate. I pray this is the case and that you have BOTH (emphasis on BOTH) found your soul mate(s). Best of luck 2 you! Tell someone who cares:rolleyes:
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 It took 2.5 years of cheating on his wife in order for him to be with you. I don't believe a GOOD man -a REAL man- would ever cheat on his wife for that long before ending the marriage, however, I could be wrong? Perhaps. He was LYING TO HIS WIFE the entire time you were together- cheating on her and their marriage vows (and possibly children). He met you, his soul mate, and was so in love with you and things were so perfect, why didn't he tell his wife and leave her back then? Cheating is cheating and I feel as though a good honest man would never cheat on his wife. He would realize the marriage was not working and he had other "interests" based on his lack in his marriage and would leave his committment FIRST. But that is my feeling on things. I would NEVER want to be with a man who was cheating on his wife and left her because he found me to be more exciting and fulfilling than his wife because I would be fearful that one day he would feel the same about me. Men like this seem to never be satisfied and have little regard for committment and promise of love. Suppose you have a child and you no longer look as youthful, despite you reach your pre-baby weight? There isn't as much time to spend with your man and you have to wonder if he is checking out another woman at the office? You haven't given enough info about the marriage he ended with his affair with you. How long were THEY together? Are there children? This is very important in considering what you perceive as having such true love with this man who didn't have it when he married his ex-wife. The truth is, he must have loved his wife enough to marry her and things were all fun and free back then. He got bored and tired and met you, which sparked a new love interest. Does he have children? Many marriages fail because there is not enough understanding of what each other needs to maintain a relationship beyond the WOO-HOO and excitement, the passion of the new relationship. The love of children being brought into the world and to each others lives; and honestly, after children, (and after several years of marriage), there is just not enough time to keep it so exciting and sensual! The heat he felt was because he was cheating on his wife and found such a thrill he couldn't compare it to his boring wife of [however many years]. I'm sure he told you all kinds of stories of how HORRIBLE she is- but likely you will find out yourself, that some of those stories could likely be his own creation and his own fault. If he were a perfect man he wouldn't have married her. He wouldn't have bad stories to tell you about her, because he truly loved her once. If I were you, I would be fearful that this would turn around to bite you in the rear, because what happens when he gets bored with YOU? Have you considered that his ex was once as fun and delightful as you seem to him currently? I'm sure you have thought a great deal about this situation, however, I am not sure that you realize that the thrilling affair and the novelty of such is definitely a passing thing that, in time will wear off, and you will have to rely on ONLY his love for you! And, IN TIME, just as his ex-wife painfully realized, YOU may be faced with the same situation that his ex-wife felt- crying because he got bored with the normalcy of your relationship, as well! History repeats itself. It is true, though, what you said. Sometimes people marry the wrong mate. I pray this is the case and that you have BOTH (emphasis on BOTH) found your soul mate(s). Best of luck 2 you! Well, you do have a point in wondering why it took so long for him to leave. I agree that if the marriage is at the point of having an affair or starting an affair, it's time and only fair to everyone to call off the marriage/stop the affair. It would make me nervous as the OW to know that my mm was indecisive on whom to choose. But, my mm left his wife a month after we started our affair, and as a side note, he left the marriage two weeks after I called off the affair--He didn't want to lose me. He never said horrible things about his wife, never said she was boring and to this day (two years later), only has kind words to say about his ex-wife. I disagree with you, misty, that an affair only happens because a partner is 'bored' and looking for 'heat'. People change. People grow apart. Friendships dissolve. The start of an affair isn't always due to some sinister motive. Sometimes there is really is deep, true love. But, it definately hasn't been an easy road....
Baileykeg Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I feel sorry for those on the board (usually signed in as "guest") that feel compelled to tell us "exactly" what is wrong with us and what terrible things are going to happen just because we have found happiness after a difficult situation. People come to this board for support through bad AND good times. I'm always happy to hear when someone ends up with their happy ending...whatever that is for them. Those of you that feel compelled to bash need to lighten up a little. You are entitled to your opinions but you don't get to think that you are 100% right and that whatever you believe is the way it should be. Everyone is different and every situation is different. For those of you who have been kind enough to support me when I needed you most I wanted to let you know that I'm having a happy ending too. His divorce will be final by the end of the year and we are planning to get married next year, have children and move forward with our lives together.
Pixeystix Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 That's fantastic, thank you for sharing. This message board needs more success stories.
yousaveme Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I feel sorry for those on the board (usually signed in as "guest") that feel compelled to tell us "exactly" what is wrong with us and what terrible things are going to happen just because we have found happiness after a difficult situation. People come to this board for support through bad AND good times. I'm always happy to hear when someone ends up with their happy ending...whatever that is for them. Those of you that feel compelled to bash need to lighten up a little. You are entitled to your opinions but you don't get to think that you are 100% right and that whatever you believe is the way it should be. Everyone is different and every situation is different. For those of you who have been kind enough to support me when I needed you most I wanted to let you know that I'm having a happy ending too. His divorce will be final by the end of the year and we are planning to get married next year, have children and move forward with our lives together. Thanks for saying that...Starting to think i was the only one out there,. Thinking the same thing... Just tired of seeing such negative comments when there is a happy ending.
reneet Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Thanks for saying that...Starting to think i was the only one out there,. Thinking the same thing... Just tired of seeing such negative comments when there is a happy ending. Sonner than later, you'll be telling us about your happy ending!!!!
yousaveme Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Sonner than later, you'll be telling us about your happy ending!!!! I'm hoping sooner.... But of course i will probably be around for the later...
reneet Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I'm hoping sooner.... But of course i will probably be around for the later... NOW WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT HERE? LET'S SEE WHO REPLIES NEGATIVELY. hmmmm wonder who will
yousaveme Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 NOW WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT HERE? LET'S SEE WHO REPLIES NEGATIVELY. hmmmm wonder who will The bus full of bashers must be running late....
reneet Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 The bus full of bashers must be running late.... They are all getting thier 2 cents worth of thoughts together.
Marielle Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Guest, pls come back to share your story! (she must be busy w xmm, lol) Really, put aside the closed minded bashers, the rest of us want to hear your story! Thanks:love:
lasan Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Gee some fairly bitter replies in this thread. I have been a BS and I don't feel the need to rain on someone elses parade at all. Should people wait until the other person is divorced....sure. Does it happen all the time? No.... None of us know enough about the situation to gloss it over with the stereotypical "The wife is a saint and her husband is a cheating lying dog" attitude. I am not saying it doesn't happen because it does. I just recognize the fact that not all of these people are bad people wrecking other peoples lives.
yousaveme Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Gee some fairly bitter replies in this thread. I have been a BS and I don't feel the need to rain on someone elses parade at all. Should people wait until the other person is divorced....sure. Does it happen all the time? No.... None of us know enough about the situation to gloss it over with the stereotypical "The wife is a saint and her husband is a cheating lying dog" attitude. I am not saying it doesn't happen because it does. I just recognize the fact that not all of these people are bad people wrecking other peoples lives. THANK YOU....THANK YOU....
outofdarkness Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I thought about my post this morning at work and realized that it was not worded properly and harsh..I am really sorry for that. Everyone has the right to be happy, I just still have some hurt and anger left from my situation, we are still together...He did not leave me even AFTER I filed for divorce. We decided to try to make a go of it and so far, we are making progress. As for the other OW's, I understand now after reading the posts on this forum that there is a BIG difference between a serial cheater and someone who happens upon love just in the wrong place. My personal opinion is that even if you fall in love, the married person is off limits, but I realize that my opinions and feelings are my own, and it is not my place to stand in judgment of others. I hope all involved are happy and at peace...Sorry again for the earlier post...really gave myself a lickin for that one! Blessings!
lasan Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Outofdarkness- Trust me I understand. I really do. My spouse had a child with someone else in the middle of our marriage....a child before we got married (neither of which I knew about). I was going through fertility treatment while he was out having babies with other people. He cheated on me morning noon and night. He was a total dog. I don't think most cheaters are like this. With that in mind I also don't think that every affiar is like what you see on TV with the excitement and romance and the wife is a emotionless shrew that spends all the money but pays the husband no mind. Every situation is different and should be judged on it's own merits.
Guest Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Guest, pls come back to share your story! (she must be busy w xmm, lol) Really, put aside the closed minded bashers, the rest of us want to hear your story! Thanks:love: I am the original "Guest" in this thread. I am happy to share my story because when our affair started I used to visit this site regularly to get the same support and insight that all OW need. I will write honestly and openly and forgive the people who will want to pull it all apart and condemn me. Because no matter how much I write, I could never cover all the things and issues that have led to where we are now. The story is essentially the same as so many people on here. All the same anguish because of the total secrecy (and the fact that affairs are wrong! and I did keep breaking it off because of that.) I don't know his ex -wife, our lives weren't connected in anyway before we met. This is why I think we had the first 6 months or so where we were getting to know each other, just like you would with any single man. IT was so good , so supportive , so much fun and very loving. It was addictive but it also felt more real than anything I had , had before . It all felt so genuine. When he was with me, it just didn't feel like he had another life outside of our relationship. We spoke every day on the phone too ( when we weren't on a break) We were able to see eachother 2 -3 times a week as I have my own house, they also hadn't shared a social life together for a number of years so he was able to have nights away now and again. He does have a young son, as do I. This was one of the major problems for him. I believe he genuinely had great personal struggle to decide that the marriage was going to end and he would have to leave the home. I truly believe that it took the time it did because , although he stopped being in love with his wife long before we met, he really struggled with the realization that we had happened, and that there was now an alternative to the life he thought he was going to live with his wife, not happy but staying put for their son's sake, if that makes sense! Although he'd lost the connection to her on one level, he still felt that loyalty to stay. They didn't have very much money and for a long time, it was just not financially possible for him to move out. I didn't want him to move straight in with me. I wanted us to be able to in an open relationship and see if it really would work out before we committed to living together. As time went by, I know that I was making it easier for him to stay at home because I never put ultimatums or pressure on him to leave. I wanted him to leave because he had made the decision for himself. I kept thinking that I would always have doubts in the future if I felt that I had pushed him to make the decision. However,a year ago, I finally said to him, that until something changed for him, until he made the final decision, I just really couldn't see him or speak to him again. We had a break of three months. I missed him really badly , but knew that I had to do this for myself. I had made my decision about what I wanted and he had to make his. He got in touch just after Christmas , and told me about the divorce and then it just went from there! As for the future, do I have concerns that he may do the same to me?...Maybe he will maybe he wont, ( but I doubt it... it's been a long road and we have looked at this from every angle!) but for me it's about how much I have changed since knowing him, I have grown so much during this time it has been one of the most significant periods in my life. We are very much in love, still kissing and holding hands all the time! You would think we were a new couple!! We've got some great long term plans that we both want to achieve together. He is not a serial cheater, but who can say what the future really holds. We are focussed on the here and now and life is just getting better and better. I have to go to work now! but I think it would be helpful if I come back and share the things that he has told me about how it was for him during the affair. This was one of the biggest stresses for me in the earlier days.. I was just desperate to understand what his thoughts were and how he could stay if he was unhappy there and happy with me. Best wishes to everyone.
NoIDidn't Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 The difference in your situation is that you were not in contact with him for a period of time to give both of you a chance to decide what you each wanted. A good amount of the OWs here are simply too insecure in their relationships and themselves to do something like that. They think that the world will cave in if they don't speak to him every minute of every day. They think that he will *gasp* forget about them and possibly move on to another OW. Who needs a guy like this? Naturally, I don't like to see affairs that end marriages, but that's just me. He is on the high of love with you, like he probably was once with his W. I won't say "guard your heart" as that will only put dampeners on your R. I will say, go with him to a relationship/couples counsellor so that you can talk about what you both want from this new R and can head off some of the problems that contributed to the demise of his M. He owns 50% of that. He needs to take a good look at himself before making a huge new commitment. Best of luck.
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