is closure too much to ask?

[Kamille]

Hi everyone

 

I've been receiving very contradictory advice about this from my friends and I figure I would ask you guys since you've been really helpful in the past.

 

As some of you know, I was collateral damage in an cataclysmic accident which involved a guy i was dating and his ex, yes, that ex, THE one and only love of his life. Well, while we were dating, he came to visit me (we live in separate cities, that which is a relevant fact), his ex wrote to him to offer up a second chance because she had come to the realisation that yes, indeed, he was the one for her. (Proof to anyone here hoping for a second chance that it does happen! And by the way, she did all the work! Don't settle for less then flat out love revelations guys!)

 

So dude left. I was left to deal with my own emotions all on my own, on the premisse, I think, that he felt really realy bad about getting me involved in something that so obviously had nothing to do with me.

 

We've exchanged a few e-mails, nothing major. I just offered we be friends and he felt like that would be a great idea. I'm very much at a point where it's obvious to me he did the right thing by leaving and besides, I was not looking for a future with this guy.

 

But I'd be lying if I said I have dealt with all the emotional disturbances his eruption into my life created. I feel like, to get closure, I need a clear idea of exactly what happened, and, very recently, I asked him if things were working out with his ex. by e-mail. not the best medium i know, nor the best question. He hasn't answered yet (sent it yesterday). But it got me thinking: since what I want is closure, should I ask him for it? Also, I'm wondering if he will answer the e-mail about he and his ex, and if not, what does it mean?

 

thanks for your help

[luvtoto]

I feel like, to get closure, I need a clear idea of exactly what happened, and, very recently, I asked him if things were working out with his ex. by e-mail. not the best medium i know, nor the best question. He hasn't answered yet

Let's say that he gives you closure. He says, "I am sorry, you were a rebound relationship for me. I still loved her the whole time we were together. Not quite sure if I even loved you at all. I think I was just using you..."

 

Now. Does that make things better for you? NO. I doubt it. Made you feel worse I am sure.

 

Closure isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 

Another reason he may not be replying quickly to your email is because he doesn't want to tell you the truth. Somethings are better left unsaid.

 

Just move on. You don't deserve to be hurt any more.

[Kamille]

Thanks luvtoto. i see your point. even though we were just dating and never in love (just really infatuated with each other) and actually, I would rather hear he is working things out with her then not.

 

I'm just wondering why he seems so reluctant to talk about whatever it is happened between us. I would like to clear things up - I am used to clearing things up, but then, usually I don't have to do it by e-mail. You know usually it's a sit down at a café thing.

 

any other thoughts?

[dgiirl]

You are the only one who can provide yourself closure. As luvtoto illustrated, he will say something which will only lead to more pain and more questions. And thus you will never be satisfied by the answers of others. You are the only one who can provide yourself with closure, provide yourself with the answers that make sense to you, and will not keep you asking for more.

 

And some things simply do not have an answer. Once you realise and accept that, you will have your closure.

[Guest]

would be better. and i will tell u why. when someone asks you for closure, meaning, they just want an explanation about what happened - this means they are 'prepared' and 'ready' for whatever answer is given as long as it is honest and true - and i say that because, here is the important part, it is not the 'explanation' that is important - it is the fact that someone told u the truth - showed u respect. most people who leave relationships and don't tell the other why do so because they think that will crush that person but they have forgotten one part. think about what the person that is about to leave a relationship does - they take the time to think about things, work thru issues until they have reached a point where they can leave and its ok for them. so, that's the same thing for those wanting closure. personally, i would rather be told what luvtoto said than being told a lie of nothing at all - like the old saying go 'the truth say set u free" - and it works for both.

[D-Lish]

I don't really think you're as worried about losing him as you are jolted by the rejection. No one likes to be left for someone else....that just plain sucks, whether you love them or like them, and in some cases don't like them at all.

 

Rejection can have an impact on our egos.

 

It doesn't sound as if you are as heartbroken over him leaving as you are about the reasons he left you. "Why doesn't he like me? What's wrong with me?" There's nothing wrong with you... he still loved his ex and felt they had another chance at happiness.

 

I didn't realize how much I loved my ex until he rejected me. I was thinking about breaking up with him because I wasn't happy...but he got to doing it first and all of a sudden I started thinking I actually did love him... That's how the psychology of a break up works.

 

He still thinks about you and cares about you- of that I'm sure. But you may have to make your own closure here. He wasn't rejecting YOU persay...he just had unresolved feelings for someone else that he needed to explore.

 

If you have fond memories of the time you two spent together and you truly wish him the best...let that be your closure. Hey, it frees you up to find love for yourself.

 

I wouldn't press him for answers. I'm sure he feels guilt over what has transpired.

 

D

[luvtoto]

I doubt if he will answer the email. He probably feels guilty enough about taking her back and rejecting you to do it. By sending you and email about it, it would be kinda mean on his part. I doubt if he wants to cause you anymore pain by writing, "hey, yea...we are getting along smashing!!"

 

He sounds like he has a heart and in order to keep you as a friend, he feels the need for some distance now.

 

I am guessing sooner than later he will regret his decision to go back to her. But, you didn't hear that from me. Shhh...

 

Just keep your pride, don't do anything silly and move on with your life...and hold your head up high!! There isn't a damn thing wrong with you.

[Art_Critic]

Just keep your pride, don't do anything silly and move on with your life...and hold your head up high!! There isn't a damn thing wrong with you.

 

Boy is that great advice...Where were you 2 years ago when I was making a fool out of myself over a GF that only cared about herself ?

[Guest]

i think i should clarify something about closure....i already mentioned the reason why if i was left without an explanation and why the 'reasons' are really secondary compared to simply "receiving" and explanation. that being said, this view is only from the point of the one asking - i would never expect the other person to 'provide' this simply because i asked. i would never want that person to do that unless - THEY felt they wanted to and it would be beneficial to them as well. What would be the point of having someone do that and have that make them suffer more. And one last point, would I place my want for information above the fact that giving me that would hurt the person giving? Never. I have learned many, many things from my last relationship and yes 'true closure' comes from within - RESPECT EVERYONE PEOPLE!

stay kewl

[luvtoto]

Boy is that great advice...Where were you 2 years ago when I was making a fool out of myself over a GF that only cared about herself ?

Hey, we've all been there. Where do you think I learned it from?? I've made the occasional ass out of myself over a guy before. I regret every minute of it.

[Guest]

pride really is a double edged sword eh? how someone views the 'pride' of another is different that what that person actually views in themself. let me explain: i take PRIDE in being able to 'show' every side of myself, to reveal myself in ways that shows the person i am with that i care for them. example: when someone i know is having a bad day and feeling down, i have been known to act extremely goofy to the point of embarrassment in order to make that person laugh. because what that does is gets them back on track and out of the funk. that being said, this positive outcome is not to be expected all the time. there are situations where doing so will have the opposite effect on that person - but that doesn't mean that i have lost my pride. it is still as strong as ever. pride should not be something that makes u withdraw, it should encourage action.

[Kamille]

Thanks everyone... Fascinating insights, and yes I am a very proud person. I do take pride in my relationships and friendships and making sure I treat everyone with respect. And I agree with our Guest that pride is a double-edged sword.

 

I guess what I wanted to do by contacting him to get closure is show him that I am all right. I know he feels guilty and it annoys me that he feels so guilty that he avoids answering e-mails. (My pride again...) But I guess his not answering is an answer in itself. So he feels guilty and it certainly wouldn't make me feel any better to force him to offer me closure when he is incapable of seeing past his guilt.

 

There is no quick-fix solutions to a wounded ego. I'll just have to keep living this thing through on my own.

[Art_Critic]

I do take pride in my relationships and friendships and making sure I treat everyone with respect.

 

If only the people we pick to be our SO's felt the same and treated us and the relationship with respect or or I should say show the ending relationship and person respect.. then the world would be a better place..but.....

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes it's just best to make your own closure and try to be at peace with it.

[Kamille]

I guess I really have no choice in the matter but to get closure on my own. He still hasn't answered the e-mail. This bugs me. Why does it bug me so much? Wounded ego? Yes that's it. The fact he is not answering makes me feel like he thinks I am neurotic for asking in the first place.

 

Ah well. I had a great day, this only bugs me when I open my e-mail account. I'll have forgotten all about this by, hopefully Christmas, and if not definitely next summer.

 

It just seems to always take me such a long time to let go of someone when I start falling for them. Maybe because I don't allow myself to start falling often.

 

sigh.

 

bed now. Good night everyone.

[D-Lish]

There's always a risk involved when you open your heart to someone.

 

If my ex ever answered one of my e-mails I'd fall off my chair!

He has decided not to have any contact with me whatsoever. And it hurts... especially when you want closure. But I have found that I can make my own closure- and so will you. In many ways, not having contact saves you from holding on.

 

Yes, there is probably guilt involved. And don't forget- he may have a g/f over his shoulder keeping a close eye on him at the moment. She knows about you- so she will not want him talking to you.

 

Your best revenge is to be happy, to move on and meet someone who can give you 100% of himself.

 

He hasn't forgotten you- you can't have that intense of a relationship and then just forget about them.

D

[Kamille]

Thanks D-Lish. You always seem to know just what to say.

 

Last night I started thinking : "Well, it all proves I was wrong about him." Or rather, I guess the thought was : "How could I have been so wrong about him?"

 

I'm sure I'll get to a point where I'll understand or won't care why he is incapable of offering the least bit of support, or incapable of owning up to the consequences of his actions (This is what it feels like from here).

 

I have had three long term relationships (this doesn't count as one, but it definitely was very intense) and in each cases I did get that apology, always at a most unexpected time. (One of them happened last Christmas, 6 years after the fact. I ran into the man responsible for my first broken heart, who really behaved like an a** after we broke up, and he finally apologized and told me he would always love me. Not love me love me, but love me, which felt really good to hear.)

 

So I'll just focus on believing this will one day happen with this guy and let it go.

[D-Lish]

In my experience, I have found that men just aren't great communicators... and it gets worse during a break up.

I think my ex actually mumbled something along the lines of "maybe I wasn't always the best boyfriend"... but I'm not sure, becuase he was barely audible!

 

They don't like confrontation. But, I think they do initially justify things in their own minds, then push the pain away... but the pain always finds them again and they are forced to deal with it. That is probably why we get apologies months and years later. Or even a post break up stalking 2 years after the fact (I had that happen).

 

It's like one day they wake up and the emotions they locked away suddenly become free and "boom"~ Realization.

 

As I told you before I think ~ my ex was still in love with his GF from 6 bloody years ago. And I expect, that in the next year he'll seek me out again. But you know what? I won't be here, and chances are that you will have moved on by the time this guy wants to make contact with you again.

 

Believe me~ he won't forget. But he probably isn't ready to face anything too real right now.

 

:-)

Dee

[CrushedOrgans]

Sometimes it's just best to make your own closure and try to be at peace with it.

 

i agree. i think closure is really just the moment you realized you stopped caring in any way about anything that has to do with the situation you were involved in.

 

this is obviosuly something that occurs on its own and in yourself. so, in answer to your question, yes, closure is too much to ask of someone else because it is impossible for them to provide you with it.

[Kamille]

Well he did reply. A really nice, honest, ambiguity-free, friendly e-mail. And I feel so relieved and so much better.

 

I guess the closure I wanted was this: I needed to know he valued me as a friend. That there was no tension between us.

 

I may have forced the process by asking that question but, hey, he pulled through. He may not be the one for me, but he is worthy of my faith after all.

 

And now I am finally letting go and recognizing the situation for what it was.

 

I asked because I needed to know. Now I know and I'm glad I asked.

[D-Lish]

That's really great K,

Sometimes that is all we need- just a few answers, clarification that we don't suck (lol).

 

I guess we both got our contact afterall!

 

[Kamille]

That's really great K,

Sometimes that is all we need- just a few answers, clarification that we don't suck (lol).

 

I guess we both got our contact afterall!

 

 

Yes, did you ever get yours! You even managed to stay on your feet which is really fortunate because otherwise, it might have messed up your hair. Proud of you girl.

 

But yes, exactly, I just needed to know he still thought of me as a friend, not just the girl who's feelings he hurt.

 

Yes, it's true, you guys have my number, I am a really proud person, to an extreme. Hey, I even take pride in being proud. (The result of reading Jane Austen way too young).

[D-Lish]

Thanks K...

 

I guess the contact really threw me off- I didn't have time for a planned reaction- which may have been a good thing. I did e-mail him to say I'd like to talk- and he hasn't responded yet. he may not... I may have damaged his pride by walking away. But after everything he did and the way he treated me post break up... well, I think I did the right thing by not letting him back into my life at the drop of a hat.

 

Glad you got some kind of closure!

I have a feeling you'll hear from this guy again too.

Maybe the timing was just off, ya know?

:-)

 

Dee

[D-Lish]

And K... You're in Toronto?

I'm in Hamilton... (don't hold that against me!) LOL.

 

We spend a lot of time in TO~ my friends and I like a bar called Harmony on College Street.

Pickin's are slim here in Hamilton...

:-)

Dee

[Kamille]

Yup Toronto is where I'm at.

 

Now everytime I see a woman with long blond hair on College I'll be like: "Dee?"

 

Well.... It'll only make me another Torontonian curiosity....