NoIDidn't Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 It looks like there are a lot of threads dealing with this. I didn't want to change the subject so I created a new one. I don't think that telling the W is a good idea, especially when you are the one that has been sleeping with or in an inappropriate R with HER H. But this story is a different take on it. I have an associate. A guy. A really good looking guy. But he is M. He came on to me a couple of times, and I told my H - who told me I was imagining things. His W is beautiful, but a very insecure. They have children, the youngest is 5. He has other children, 10 and about 2. The youngest is the result of one of his MANY affairs. I recently learned and can prove that he has gotten yet another woman pregnant. I have had this info for some time. I thought about telling her. But the stress of finding out about the 2 year old, almost killed her. That, and she stopped talking to me due to her very public humiliation (or perception of such). But I refuse to tell her. I do not want to be the bringer of such pain. I only want to tell her so she can make some decisions regarding her life. I have no interest in getting him back, or him getting what he deserves. I want to tell her, but I won't. Am I wrong?
AJS Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Well, she stayed with him after he had a child through an A, so I would say all you are really going to do is hurt her even more. Don't do it, mind your own business.
Author NoIDidn't Posted October 25, 2006 Author Posted October 25, 2006 Well, she stayed with him after he had a child through an A, so I would say all you are really going to do is hurt her even more. Don't do it, mind your own business. AJS I thank you for your reply, but don't think you read the entire post. I don't think about it much anymore. I am not telling her a thing, even if it means that our friendship is over when/if she finds out that I knew and didn't tell her. I only brought up this situation to show that there is nothing to be gained from telling the W. It is not my business, as I am well aware. Which is my point to those that are wondering if they should tell the W.
outofdarkness Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I wouldn't say there is nothing to be gained by telling the W. Shouldn't have the right to know so that we too, can make informed decisions regarding our lives and our family? I feel like keeping silent is as bad as not being honest...I wish someone had the guts to tell ME/./
ataloss Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I agree that not telling is the same as being dishonest. I am currently and OW, but have been a BS and during that time I was basing all of my decisions on half truths. Everyone knew but me and nobody said a word, that hurts just as much.
yesmaybe Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 My take has always been: Unless you're good friends with BS, mind your own business.
Author NoIDidn't Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 My question is: am I wrong for not telling her? I am very good friends with her. I am NOT sleeping with her H. I would never do that to her. Our kids are good friends. I just know that if I tell her, it will re-open the wounds of her finding out about the other kid. I don't want to be a bearer of bad news for her. Yet, I don't care if her H is angry with me or my H as a result either. Its a very complicated situation. I found out two months ago. I agonized over what I would do. Then I decided that it wasn't my business. She has always told me that she would appreciate anything I could tell her (as she knows her H is a dog), but the person that tells is always treated like they want her H. I don't want him. OutofDarkness, I agree someone should tell her. She should know. But NOT me. Plenty of people closer to her than I am know, and haven't told her. Probably for the same reason. Emotionally, she is just not going to handle it well. Does anyone think I am wrong for having decided not to tell her?
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 if someone can simply talk normally and don't switch genders in the story and stop using things like BSC, MH, GTR, IIPOHHHP, etc. lol and tell me, I'll go and tell them! oh, and btw, foir the record, knowing something and not telling them is way worse than be honest...sometimes we are not honest with ourselves because we did know we were doing something but could u imagine if a whole flock of seagulls knew something that could effect a person's life and they didn't say anything because they were afraid they might look bad? OMG WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO SOCIETY! wipes tears aways [lol]
outofdarkness Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 my h's ow had a "friend" write me a letter..it could be done this way or you could just wait to see if somone comes forward..you're in a rock and a hard place, i understand and wish u luck...blessings
yousaveme Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Since you arent directly involved. Stay out of it.
reneet Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Since you arent directly involved. Stay out of it. to tell his wife? Maybe she'd wise up to the fact that the marriage is over & done with.
riobikini Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 re: NoIDidn't: " I have an associate. A guy.....He came on to me a couple of times ..... I have no interest in getting him back..." Then there's no reason for you to be *involved*, their lives are not your concern. -Rio
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 my h's ow had a "friend" write me a letter..it could be done this way or you could just wait to see if somone comes forward..you're in a rock and a hard place, i understand and wish u luck...blessings The W recieved several letters from someone telling them her H was having an affair, and she still believes that it was someone just pulling her leg! Some people will choose to believe what they want. We still talk to one another daily but have decided to cool our physical relationship at least for a while.
JamesM Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 The first question is ...how would you feel if your friend knew that your husband was cheating and did not tell you? And especially since she knew that your husband had an EA in the past? Would you want her to assume that since you already knew he cheated once, you must realize that he is doing it again? And since it devastated you in the past, she must be concerned about your "fragile" state of health? I am not an advocate of telling BS about their husband's affairs...usually, but here we have a child. (However, if the woman seeks an abortion and there is no child, then ignore this post and I agree with you...you did the right thing.) How old is the new baby or how far along in the pregnancy is this OW? Because if it is fairly recent, her husband may not be able to keep it a secret. This woman may be looking for money or support. Who told your friend about the last child? It is true that those that get in the middle of spouses usually become the enemy. But that does not mean that she shouldn't be told. On the other hand, how is it that you know? Can you have someone else pass the information along without you being involved? As suggested, a letter from a "friend?" Or will she suspect you? It comes down to...how would you want her to treat the same or similar information that she had about your husband?
Author NoIDidn't Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 The first question is ...how would you feel if your friend knew that your husband was cheating and did not tell you? And especially since she knew that your husband had an EA in the past? Would you want her to assume that since you already knew he cheated once, you must realize that he is doing it again? And since it devastated you in the past, she must be concerned about your "fragile" state of health?[/quote} James, I certainly don't assume that she knows he is still cheating. She loves him (that and they have kids). She has told me that she questions staying with him on a daily basis. I don't want to give her "the last straw". But I don't think she would leave, even if she wanted to. It is true that those that get in the middle of spouses usually become the enemy. But that does not mean that she shouldn't be told. On the other hand, how is it that you know? Can you have someone else pass the information along without you being involved? As suggested, a letter from a "friend?" Or will she suspect you? So many people know, I found out through them first. I was able to verify with OW since she doesn't know I know them. This is a classic "the wife is the last to know" scenario. She would not suspect me if she got a note from someone else via me - the list of suspects can't be counted on both hands, shamefully so. It comes down to...how would you want her to treat the same or similar information that she had about your husband? James, this is the crux of it. I certainly agree that she SHOULD be told. Just NOT by me. The posters that suggest that I mind my business have obviously never been on the receiving end of this sitch. I don't plan to tell her directly. I don't want to put her in the positon of thinking that I am judging her for staying with him - which I am sure she will. I know it sounds insensitive, but I have pretty much made my decision. I respect the many different views here. Someone else will have to tell her. I may change my mind, but that is more than what I want to say here.
yousaveme Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 to tell his wife? Maybe she'd wise up to the fact that the marriage is over & done with. You know what i think deep down they know. Just don't want to accept it thats all.
GuestI'mHere Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I agree with some of the previous posts. Tell her (and try to be anonymous if you want.) Why not? I have always been an advocate of truth and I'm not about to hold something in to keep you happy. The truth hurts but without all the information, the lady can't decide for herself what SHE wants to do. I feel like ppl try to be heroes. "I'm saving her from the pain of adultery!" Thanks alot, sherlock. I think I can save myself. Always have anyway, and her husband definitely isn't her knight in shining armor. So, if it's really bugging you out and you have proof, I think you ought to present it. Honestly, it wouldn't matter whether you told or not. It's still her descision to do what she wants. She's an adult, so why not tell her. Sometimes that can of worms just have to be left out. For you own conscious.
SortingItOut Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Maybe it's one thing for xOW to tell BW once the EMR is over, but this case? MM has had MULTIPLE OW? This is AT LEAST the 2nd child he's had with an OW? How can anyone be thinking of "what's to be gained" or how it will get BW mad at the messenger... she needs to know! Her H is exposing a lot of women and babies to potential std's, not just his W. If he convinced her the 1st child was a one-time mistake and he's promised to be faithful, she's trying to trust him because she loves him. Yet there's a crowd around her that knows her trust is misplaced - unbelievable. You think she freaked out about the first one, imagine how she will feel finding out that everyone knew about the 2nd one long before she did, and she WILL find out. Clear case of the W needs to be told, and if you lack the courage to do it in an upfront way with the believable details she will need, write an anonymous letter.
BUTAFLY Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 a co-worker of mine was M for 4yrs. had a child as a result of one of his many affairs. He never told his wife. He paid his child support regularly.ent the child regularly. On day there was a knock at the door, the wife answered and infront of her stood her H's Son (3yrs old) and ex OW. the wife was Floored. (yes he was having an A during the engagement and 1st yr of M) H family knew of the child and helped keep his "secret." When W found out, she felt betrayed and alone. The one's she called family said nothing & left her in the dark. She felt like her life was a sham. They never loved her or had her best intrest in mind. They only looked out for themselves as not wanting to be the one to tell. I pray that I surround myself with people who are loving & honest. Loving enough to point out danger when I don't see it. Honest enough to do it selflessly.
Author NoIDidn't Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 The two previous posts make me feel bad. But not enough to jeopardize my own sanity. I do want to tell her. You can't imagine how badly. I have considered the letter for some time now. But I am not ready to do it. Yet there's a crowd around her that knows her trust is misplaced - unbelievable. You think she freaked out about the first one, imagine how she will feel finding out that everyone knew about the 2nd one long before she did, and she WILL find out. She will certainly find out. When she found out about the first baby, I also told her of other OW he had. You never want to see a woman in that much pain. And while I know my actions didn't cause her that pain, it was still my news, my words. Her H disgusts me. But she doesn't trust him. Make no doubt of that. She is there until she can make a beeline for a divorce and has told me so. Sorry, but I can't be selfless right now. I have so much going on in my own life right now that watching her reel in pain is likely to cause me huge guilt pangs and threaten my own emotional well-being. It hasn't been a year since finding out about my H's A. I too am quite fragile right now. I wish I could get one of you guys to send her a note. Anyone know of an anonymous emailing company?
outofdarkness Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 The W recieved several letters from someone telling them her H was having an affair, and she still believes that it was someone just pulling her leg! Some people will choose to believe what they want. We still talk to one another daily but have decided to cool our physical relationship at least for a while. alittle more info on my letter...it gave a name and phone, and I immediately remembered this woman from a charitable organization that my H had been heavily involved with. So, as the letter suggested, I called this OW to "compare notes"...It was by no means anonymous on any level..Every situation is unique..Also, denial is VERY strong with A's..I do also believe that some W's cannot or will not see the truth, even when it's put in plain writing right in front of their face..I feel so bad for everyone involved in an A...They hurt and are destructive, but they happen and always will. I think that some occur because there was a void in the marriage or the marriage was somehow in trouble, but I also think that some occur because of an agressive party, whether it is the OW or the MM..Just my opinion..
UnknowingOW Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 It all comes down to this. Is she your friend? Would you tell you friend the absolute truth if you knew she would be harmed in the outcome of the whole situation. I've had to make just this decision and I was 900-miles from my best friend, but I knew the truth and I would rather her be hurt by me then to believe in a liar. It took me days to decided...I cried on the phone with her. She didn't want to believe me especially with me living that far away and knowing what was really going on (not a pregnacy, but a lie from the man she loved just the same). I knew I had 2 options as a true friend to her...keeping my mouth shut and minding my own busines (thus picking up the pieces when the truth did come out). Or doing what I would want her to do to me...tell me the truth at any cost. I also knew I would lose her for life or have a stronger friendship then we had. She didn't believe me, but in her heart she knew I told her the truth. It took a few months when the guy's best friend told her the truth about him. She called me 3-days after which and said...please come home I need my friend. That happend over five years ago. She and I were at dinner tonight and she said, I am so grateful for having you, a true friend who only has my best interests at heart. It was worth me telling her the truth. I have a life-long loyal friend who will always tell me the truth even if it kills me.
serial muse Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 You know what i think deep down they know. Just don't want to accept it thats all. nope. i know people really, really want to think this is true, but often, it just isn't. sometimes, s/he really believes that if something's wrong, it's for the reasons the WS has given, which may be any number of things (from trouble at work to trouble with family to legal troubles to depression to...well, you get the picture) and not because there's a third party. and i think that - the idea that maybe the BS just honestly didn't know and the WS is just plain lying - can be hard to accept, too. because you're right: people believe what they want to believe. topic: i generally think the BS should be told, particularly if they've said they want to know. but that's just an opinion. i appreciate the difficulty of your position, NoIDidn't, and i don't think anyone can tell you what to do. there's going to be pain, either way; he's made sure of that. so ultimately, go with your gut.
Author NoIDidn't Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 topic: i generally think the BS should be told, particularly if they've said they want to know. but that's just an opinion. i appreciate the difficulty of your position, NoIDidn't, and i don't think anyone can tell you what to do. there's going to be pain, either way; he's made sure of that. so ultimately, go with your gut. SM, thanks for that. My gut says not to tell her. I am in the process of rebuilding my M, I don't have the stamina to see one come tumbling down.
tigger7 Posted November 6, 2006 Posted November 6, 2006 I believe there are only 3 reasons why you should not tell the wife about your affair with her husband. 1) If there is a chance the husband might harm you 2) If there is a chance that the wife might harm herself, and 3) If there is a chance the wife might harm her husband. Other than those three reasons, I 100% think she has the right to know. I am a MW who had a 3 year affair with a MM. I told my husband about my affair. I contemplated for months, whether I should tell his wife. We ended our affair because he was taking his wife through infertility treatments where I work while lying and still sleeping with me. He attempted to hide his affair by transferring his job, selling his house, and making his wife quit her job. I debated for a long time. Honestly, I think my husband should have contacted her, but he wanted to avoid conflict. If you want to tell the wife about the affair to end their marriage so he will be with you, that is for the wrong reason. Let me tell you something, he definitely won't be worth the effort. If he wanted to be with you, he would've already left his wife or he would've made the initiative to try it. Most men want their "cake and eat it to." The best way to end an affair is to expose it. It's not worth the turmoil ladies. The endless time you spend crying waiting for that phone call and wondering what he is doing with his wife. Being a mistress is a lonely job. You will always be second best. It takes time, but you do get over them. After talking to women who have been cheated on and to women who have done the cheating, I made my decision. My main goal was to get him to stop cheating on his wife. If you keep letting men get away with it, they will continue to do it. If it's not with you, it will be with someone else. When I broke up with the MM one time, he made an attempt to visit someone else that I worked with. He lied and said he didn't attempt to visit her. You see, if I let him get away with our affair, he would've moved onto the next one. The wife ABSOLUTELY has the right to know, especially before they bring children into the world. And you know what, I also didn't want this loser to attempt to break up another marriage. Men like this prey on married women, because they think they are safe. They think they will never tell and that they can have discreet relationships not realizing all the hurt that you cause for people. I told his wife by calling her on her cell phone. I gave her my cell phone # and name to call me back and most importantly, I apologized. I truely believe that I created the perfect husband for her. He doesn't go out anymore and has to be home after work. He had to change his cell phone # and gave her the password. I think he did that possibly because of other women calling him. His whole family knows to, so the embarrassment must be big. Lesson learned. I've had my punishment and I am still living with it, but I was honest and fessed up to my mistakes. My husband and I are doing really well. We're working on the issues that lead to the affair. A MM is the thrill of the chase or the forbidden fruit. That is why they are so hard to give up. The relationship seems so good because it is on borrowed time. Face it, if you were to live with him day in and day out, everything would be different. And would you ever trust him, if he did that to his own wife? They say their marriages are bad and they don't have sex with their spouse. Most of the time, these are just lies they tell so they don't hurt you and they can keep you hanging around as a backup plan. When you do tell the wife, don't do it in person and don't tell her where you live and where you work. Make sure you apologize. People who have affairs are very selfish people, and we tend to forget about the people that we hurt.
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