olimits7 Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Hello, Ok, I’m a 26 year old male who’s been going out with my 26 year old girlfriend for about 2 ½ years now. I just recently broke up with her, kind of like on a break as of now, for about a month now. We still talk occasionally on the phone/txt message/go out maybe for dinner once every other week, but usually on the weekends we each go out with our own friends and don’t see each other. Little Background: I have a Latin/Hispanic background; my parents came to the US so I guess I’m a 1st generation decent in the US. Basically, what I’m trying to say is I’m still very close to my Spanish culture. All of my aunts/uncles still speak Spanish as well as English, and I still keep in touch with my cousins in my parent’s country. My girlfriend is White with a Czechoslovakian background (blonde hair/blue eyes), and her family is very Americanized. She doesn’t have any ties to any of her relatives in Czechoslovakia anymore, just her family here in the US. The Relationship: I don’t know what it is but sometimes she does something that just really annoys me, and it’s just small things but I don’t understand why it bothers me so much. The reasons below are what I think makes me get annoyed and acted like that in front of her: Her family has gone through a lot compared to my family, which we are very calm/normal in my eyes. She even agrees with me in that aspect by saying I’ve lived a very sheltered life. I don’t know if this is 1 of the reasons why when she does something that bothers me it annoys me so much; I know it shouldn’t. I don’t know if in my head knowing all the crap her family has been through, I’m trying to compare everything she does and reasoning that it must be her upbringing that makes her act that way; and makes me not see a future together Another thing that I think makes me put a defense up is that she’s not Spanish. I guess growing up I always thought I was going to marry a Spanish girl, and maybe this is something else that makes me sometimes keep distant from her and allows me to get annoyed at the small things she does. However, she is willing to adapt to my culture and she has told me she wants to learn how to speak Spanish, which is good. And my family likes her and really hasn’t said anything to me about the non Spanish part On the other hand, she herself has grown up to be a wonder person. She is a teacher and great with kids. She takes good care of me, and I know she truly does love me. She likes cooking me dinner some days, and if I need a favor she is always there to help me out as I am with her. So, I don’t know if the reason we keep getting into these small fights or the reason I don’t feel 100% sure I want to be with her for the rest of my life is due to the “Non-Spanish” or “Her Family” issues that I have subconsciously blocked in my head. I don’t want to lose a good girl that I can spend the rest of my life with, but I also don’t know if I’m staying around because we are in a BTN (better-than-nothing) relationship. I have thought about just ending it and trying to find a Spanish girl with a lot of the same qualities as her, but I don’t think this would be possible. And since we’ve been broken up I have been going out and talking to girls, but none have really made an impact on me to push me to ask them on a date. But I guess going to clubs/bars I’m not going to find a girlfriend/wife there. Any insight?? :-) Sorry for the long email, just wanted to explain myself. Thank you olimits7
norajane Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Family upbringing and different cultures can certainly be problems in a realtionship...if you allow them to be. She can't do anything about not being Spanish. You need to figure out why that's important to you in a wife. Is it the language? That she can do something about. Is it the religion? That may be something you can work out together, if you want to be together. Is it that she looks different, maybe you want your kids to look like you and they may be blonde and blue-eyed? Or is it cultural beliefs that she may or may not share? Have you discussed any of those beliefs with her? As for the annoying things, without knowing what they are, I can't really comment. As an immigrant myself, I struggled with having one foot in the old country and one foot in America. My parents are now far more Americanized than when I was growing up, but I remember wishing back then that they'd just get with the American program. It really sucked to be different. It can be really tough to make it in this country as a foreigner - I'm sure you can be sensitive to that. Her family dealt with it differently than yours, and she went through different things than you. It doesn't make either of you better or worse for your differences. You can use these differences to become more compassionate and understanding people in general, and with each other.
IpAncA Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Well if you can't get over the fact that she isn't Spanish and has family issues then you should let someone else date her who doesn't care about that stuff (don't take that personal). I don't understand why it has become an issue. I mean she has offered to learn Spanish, adapt to your culture, and you even said so yourself that she is a wonderful person. You need to decide what you want in a person and then find that person and if this person isn't what you want then you need to let her go. If you can't get over the fact that she isn't Spanish and has family issues then you should find someone else.
Steph21 Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 She will probably find someone else if she doesn't end up with you...let her be happy with someone who appreciates those things that seem to annoy you. Other guys are very attracted to blonde hair/blue eyes and will make her feel beautiful. If she has issues because of her family, she would be better off with someone who would be understanding and help her work through those things, instead of someone who sees them as negative qualities that somehow make her less-than-perfect.
Madaline Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 She will probably find someone else if she doesn't end up with you...let her be happy with someone who appreciates those things that seem to annoy you. Other guys are very attracted to blonde hair/blue eyes and will make her feel beautiful. If she has issues because of her family, she would be better off with someone who would be understanding and help her work through those things, instead of someone who sees them as negative qualities that somehow make her less-than-perfect. Exactually. If you can't accept her for who she is then you need to let her go and so she can find someone else.
Author olimits7 Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 Hello, Thank you for your replies. I really have to think about everything everybody said, and come up with a final decision. But you all made very good points, thanks. We've had plenty of conversations about our current situation, and I even told her that we should end this and she should be with someone who will give her everything she needs and someone that tells her "I love you" on a regular basis. My family isn't very affectionate words wise, but we are always there for each other. So I have a hard time saying "I love you" to her just the way I was brought up, and this was something that bothered her at the beginning of the relationship. However, eventually it stopped bothering her because she saw all the nice things I did and I how I was always there for her (showed it instead of saying it). And she told me that she doesn't have to hear that anymore because she just knows I do love her. She is very good at convincing me that we should stay together and she tells me the only reason I'm walking away is because it's the easy way out. She says that every couple gets to this point eventually and that I have to be willing to take a chance on us. She makes a good point with me by walking away because it's easier. I feel that walking away and not thinking about it is easier than confronting it. Like I said I'm not a very affectionate person, especially in public, (hugging, kissing, saying I love you, etc...) I don't know why this is I guess my upbringing, but I rather show her I love her instead of saying it. My reason for not saying it is because I know plenty of couples that went out for 5 years or even got married and divorced. When we were out I could always hear them say "I love you" to one another and today they are no longer together. So to me it makes no sense to say it. Some of my friends that are currently in a relationship are very affectionate in public, and I sometimes try to compare myself to why I'm not like that. I don't know if it's just because of my own issue with public affection or if I don't really want to be with her. I've told her this too and she said that I can't be comparing our relationship to others because we are all different, which I agree with her 100%. But when we're all out it just makes me think why I can't do that. Thanks for letting me vent and get this out of my system. It's nice to get someone elses view points instead of just asking my friends who usually don't give the greatest advice. :-) Thanks, olimits7
norajane Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 My family isn't big on saying I love you or frequent hugs and kisses and touches, either. They also show love by doing for each other and always being there for each other. However, I went in the opposite direction from you. Because I didn't hear the I love you's as a kid often, I like hearing it and saying it now. I also like showing love by being affectionate, in private and in public. I like holding hands, I like kissing, hugs, touches in the car, etc. My bf isn't into saying I love you all the time, but he is very much into the affectionate touches and kisses. If that was all my boyfriend and I had - the words and the touches - it wouldn't be enough for me. I also need to know deep down in my heart and bones that I was loved, like I do with my family. But because I do know deep down that my bf loves me, the affectionate displays are a reminder to me of the love...a very welcome reminder. As long as you mean it when you say I love you, what do you care what it means to other people? If your girl likes being touched and holding hands and kissing at home and elsewhere, it means something TO HER so you do it to make her smile. Who cares about other people? What I'm trying to say is 1) you don't have to be a prisoner inside your head and heart just because you weren't raised to show affection and say I love you, and 2) you absolutely should not look at your friends or other people's relationships and use them to decide what should or shouldn't be done or said in your relationship. However, if your answer to everything is to walk away rather than work through it, then you ought to stop seeing her and stay single. You'll never make it in ANY marriage if you would rather walk away than do the work to have her in your life.
Walk Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I'm still not understanding what the problems were that caused you to get so annoyed with her. My bf was raised in a rough family environment.. I've seen dogs treated better than he was. And sometimes he does some retarded things that either annoy me or hurt me emotionally... but the fact that he came from a bad home causes me to give him the benefit of the doubt more often then not... Maybe I read your post wrong.. but seems like you're saying if she'd been raised in a better home, then when she did these things it'd be more excusable? But because her home life was rougher than yours, then she should be a better person? And really what I'm hearing is that you are upset with yourself because you feel like you should conform more to certain standards. That you think other people expect you to behave certain ways, date certain people. And because your gf is fine that you don't, then you resent her for not conforming to how you believe the world should be? Or resent her because she doesnt' allow other peoples perceptions to affect her? I'm not really sure what you were upset by... To me, sounds as if you have closed your own mind regarding life. And you're mostly upset at yourself. Instead of facing it, you went along with how you thought others wanted it. And you'd rather not deal with any of it. Just stay in this psuedo-dating where there's nothing expected from you. So that you're safe and you don't have to confront all those beliefs in your head to see if they really fit in with what you want out of life. And you won't ever have to worry about whether others think your doing right, because your not doing anything. Then again, maybe she's really annoying. I don't know. I'm just going off what you posted here.
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