Should we break up....

[hazelle]

My roomate-turned-boyfriend and I have been living together for almost six months. He is moving out with some other friends soon partially because I don't want to live with my boyfriend even though we make a good team. I'm 19 and he is 21. Lately I have been picking fights and I can't stop thinking about my exes. I always think about those "what if" scenarios and feel a bit stressed out because he is already dropping ideas of marriage and children. I usually will pick a fight and then it evolves into me being stressed out because our relationship is too serious for what I'm looking for.

 

I don't understand why I keep pushing him away because he is everything I've always wanted in a partner. When I do get upset, he usually says something sarcastic along these lines: "I'm sorry that it creeps you out that I want to marry you, I guess I must be a real ******* for that."

 

Because of some situational issues, we have lived together from the beginning of our relationship. This has made us close fast, but I still feel stubborn about being so close and resistant to it.

 

Should I even be dating him since we want different things or what?

Any advice would be great,

Hazelle

[laRubiaBonita]

try the non-living-together-thing first... see how that goes.

[Craig]

Should I even be dating him since we want different things or what?

Hazelle, are you saying that you and your bf want different things, have different goals, etc.?

[peterparks]

I think your boyfriend knows what he wants. He wants to marry you and have a family with you. What about you, do you know what you want?

[Walk]

At 19, last thing I wanted was for someone to start pre-planning my future as the tied down Mrs. X. I wasn't ready for the seriously commited, planning our entire future relationship. My bf wanted that though. Badly. But I think what he really wanted, was the security that I wasn't going to leave him. He wanted the promise that I'd always be there. He couldn't trust that it was working fine, and to let us both grow up more. He wanted now and forever.

 

I don't know.. 19 is incredibly young to start planning marriage. You'll both change immensely from 20-30. Probably won't even recognize yourself by the time you're 31. Heck.. I changed a ton between 19-21. ha.

 

All i can say is, don't let him pressure you. He probably is a really great guy, but seems as if you feel really pressued to make decisions that are going to affect the entire rest of your life. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready... end of story. Just lay it out for him, and if he can't handle it, then tell him to back off. Communicate. Let him decide if he wants to wait, or if he's more interested in sealing the deal no matter who it's with.

[hazelle]

Craig: yes, it seems that we both want different things and yes, peterparks, my boyfriend wants to marry me and I honestly don't know what I want. He is everything I could want in a partner or a father but I DO know that I'm not looking for a long-term partner or father YET.

 

He also just gets on my nerves because we live together. For example, what should I think about how he acted yesterday?

 

Heres what happened.

 

Eric builds everyday of his life around me. He wants to meet up on any breaks I have from work or school and to hang out every night when we're done with work. Yesterday we met up before I went to work and after I got off, I went down to the community darkroom to work on some prints. Usually this is much needed alone time for me, but low and behold, Eric shows up 5 minutes after I get there and wants to ask me questions, and basically cling on to me the entire time. I enjoy his company but this was annoying. We spend ALL of our spare time together and when I want to hang out with another friend (usually a guy since most of my friends are male) he sulks or acts sarcastic and I feel guilty.

 

Also, he wants to spend all this time with me, but seems to have lost interest in sex. Like last night, I went to take a shower and he came into the shower with me. Thinking he wanted to get frisky;) , I gave him a little grope and he jumped away and said " don't get soap on my penis." and then when I tried to kiss him, he wouldn't and basically was just hijacking my shower, turning the water heat down so I was freezing and implied to me that he wanted to save kissing for the bedroom.

 

Sooo he gets out of the shower, goes to bed and I follow ten minutes later. I begin to kiss him and he kisses me briefly and then says he's too tired. We used to have sex three times a day and now its three a week if I'm lucky! And it's the same old, gentle making love crap. Sometimes I want to ****, ya know?

 

Am I being ridiculous? I jsut don't see how someone would want to spend allllll day everyday with me and then turn down romantic or sexual gestures. WTF?

I feel like I'm ALREADY married because things are too intense and yet getting boring fast.

 

PLEASE respond, I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

PS: after he turned me down sexually, I rolled over and when he realized I was hurt, he tried to give me sympathy sex, which just offended me more! We then got into a fight and he said he's too tired to have sex because he works 7 hour shifts everyday. SO DO I. I balance, two jobs, full-time school and our relationship. Why can't he balance a job and us? He said I was acting like a bitch and expecting too much of him. "I'm only 20, don't expect me to act 40." he said. UGH.

[hazelle]

Walk: You got it right on too. I wonder if he actually loves ME or if he just feels so comfortable with our set-up. If I ask him about this, he's like "you're gorgeous and you'll party with me."

 

Thats lame.

[magichands]

I gave him a little grope and he jumped away and said " don't get soap on my penis."

I guess we now know where you groped. You don't mess around, do you!?

[hazelle]

Haha, nope I don't.

 

but yes... bring on the opinions and advice please!

[magichands]

bring on the opinions and advice please!

I really hope you can get a resolution, and that things work out for you, hazelle. I'm seriously concerned that he is just not a passionate enough person for you, though.

 

I suggest that you try to fire him up. Get him a little angry if that's what it takes. He needs a wake-up call.

[hazelle]

magichands:

Thanks for the advice. I did get angry at him last night and when he made the comment about how he's "only 20(about to be 21)" I said, " I don't expect you to act 40, I expect you to have the normal responsibilities of a TWENTY year old, jackass!" (he was recently unemployed, slept all day and played video games while I paid his portion of rent)

He then said, "ok liz." which is his ex's name and then went and slept on the couch. When I talk with him, he talks in circles and metaphors or is sarcastic and doesn't resolve anything. If I get angry, he sits quietly and won't even argue or fight. It's frustrating as F**k!! arrgg. maybe boyfriends are not my thing.

[magichands]

When I talk with him, he talks in circles and metaphors or is sarcastic and doesn't resolve anything.

That's the mark of someone that doesn't want to face the truth. Always making excuses for why things aren't going his way.

 

Nice to have a sense of humour, but that's abuse of the privilege.

 

I think that boyfriends are your thing, but he isn't the right stuff. I don't think you'll find too many people that compain about you getting soap on their privates.

[Craig]

Hazelle, I think you could make a relationship with him if you want to and it may not be easy but it could be worth it if he has the kind of character you are looking for. Wait! But you are probably going to change a lot between 19 and 25 so it may not work out even if he becomes all you want. Now.

 

In any relationship there are at least three lives. In your case it's your life, his life and you and he being a couple. It's important to ones mental health (as you are discovering) to have balance. I don't know how you're going to get this through to him but he needs to recover/get his own separate life away from the relationship. He wants to be with you all the time but doesn't want sex as much as a 21 year old guy would want it. IMHO. You need to recover/get your own separate life away from the relationship too. It's just healthier that way and promotes long term success. I think.

 

The status quo is not sustainable. Sooner or later, if the current conditions continue, a breaking point will be reached and one of you (likely you) will end the relationship and say it just wasn't working. But it might have worked out if it had been healthier and more fulfilling relationship for you and for him.

 

I could be wrong, just take what works for you.

[magichands]

In any relationship there are at least three lives. In your case it's your life, his life and you and he being a couple.

I've always wondered about that. So when you break up, it is just like a "person" dying.

 

Like you say, there are at least three lives. If you want any more than that, then you're going to have to cheat. I think it's best to stick with one brand of soap.

[Guest]

Our relationship was still good until in the end of November when she just stopped talking to me. Then after one week of not talking i finally had to ask her what was wrong. She said how we should take a break or just break up. That broke my heart completely. Out of nowhere she wanted to end it. I was sad for that night and i just couldn’t take it.

 

After three days i couldn’t take it anymore. I made a stupid mistake and asked some1 else out. The relationship was just to get her out of my mind. This new girl was alright but it did not work out. We went out for only a while and after her i went into another relationship just for the hell of it. I was with her for 2 months and it was more of an unloving relationship. She didn’t believe in love and so i followed. She, in my mind, just wanted some pleasure so for 2 months it was mostly sex based and i lost my virginity to her and it was mostly about pleasure for us.

 

Even as that happened i still thought of my ex. She still meant soo much to me but i still denied it. I never told anyone until in the middle of my relationship she randomly started talking to me again. She asked if i could call her or if she can call and we talked only as friends. Then my relationship with my girlfriend didn’t work out as i knew she was probably cheating on me. So i left her for my ex. I was sooo happy, we talked again and it felt like old times. This whole time without her everything reminded me of her but now i had her to talk to.

 

Then for March break, 3 and three quarter months after we broke up, we made plans to hang out. We had fun, we didn’t kiss or nothing, we just hung out like friends and it was good. Then one day she confessed how she still loved me and how she missed me and she was sorry for breaking up with me. She confessed how she regretted breaking up with me. At the end of March i had the plan to ask her out the same day we broke up in December. I told her i had a surprise.

 

In April she told me she had a bad day. I was curious and she didn’t want to talk, she was quiet so i told her to go have a rest and when u feel better call me and i will be glad to help you out. From then on she never called again.

 

Over msn she said how she started liking someone so we should stop talking. That broke my heart again. I never got over her to this day. We hung out one time since a friend invited the both of us who wanted to reunite but we never talked. She admitted to telling me she felt awkward seeing me.

 

To this day i have not stopped thinking of her. Today i woke up dreaming of her. EVERY DAY I THINK OF HER. Anything reminds me of her and i don’t know what to do. I told her how i felt but she left the msn conversation when i started the topic so i know she wouldn’t want to hear from me.

 

I had a 4 month relationship with a girl that i loved so much. I never loved any1 else as much as her. All the people i have been with have been older than her but she satisfied me. I had 2 girlfriends after her - wrong mistake - and during them only she was in my mind. To this day i have not stopped loving her. I want to continue. There is soooo much left for me to say but saying everything won’t bring her back to me...

 

i wish u would call - just once....g

[JCD]

Guest, I know what you're going thru and time is your only friend. In time, you will forget about her. Someone new will come along and will blow you away. In life nothing is guaranteed so you must keep on trying new relationships otherwise you'll be stuck in the same place thinking of her and what could have been while she doesn't even think about you. Why torture yourself like that? You are the only one that is inflicting this pain on yourself. Time to move on with your life. There is someone like her out there but who will love you back more.

[Walk]

We then got into a fight and he said he's too tired to have sex because he works 7 hour shifts everyday. :

 

I couldn't get past this part. He works a whole 7 hours a day? Is that 7 days a week? Is that all he does? Or does he take classes too? Or have something else on the side. I just don't know too many people who work sooo few hours. Not counting the bum uncle who's an alcoholic and lives off his mother.

 

I'd say its just an excuse not to be intimate. But what a lame one.

[Walk]

Guest: This post is about Hazelle's problem. If you want your problem addressed, then start a new thread about it. But don't hijack other people's threads on here. It's kind of rude.