Guest Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I posted last week about seeing the ex after a long no contact on my part. He was shocked that I missed him-had really thought I hated him. Told me to contact him in a few weeks. He is NOT living with her-but he is still seeing her. I love this guy unconditionally. I really do and I've never felt like this about anyone. He always has been the one for me. I asked him for space, not because I wanted to be with anyone else, there has been no one. Because we both had gotten too sidetracked by the other's issues. To my knowledge, he really didn't do anything to warrant my reaction. It may very well have led up to that eventually, but I never gave it the opportunity-I just went into no contact. He had gone to see an ex gf-he hadn't returned my calls. I left him a message and that was that. He insists he didn't get back with her until a few months after we were split. I feel I pushed him away. Not intentionally, but I did it. I've decided that I am going to call him. Hopefully I will have a chance to tell him my real feelings. For the past few months of our relationship I hadn't shared my feelings as I always had. I just focused on our life problems. He has tried to contact me often during no contact-several times sharing his feelings. I never responded. We had been together for several years and gone through much together. He was my best friend. I've missed him terribly. I just jumped to the conclusion that he wanted to be with her when he didn't return my calls instead of waiting to see. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. I have no expectations. I simply want him to know that I never stopped caring and that I realize I handled it entirely wrong. And I'll never know if I don't try. If he sends me on my way, so be it. I would be a lot better with that than how things are now and have been since he left. I wish for a reconcilliation, but what is to be, will be I guess.
Freedom Now Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 If he wants you, he will come and find you. Believe me, you do NOT want to get caught into a love triangle. I wouldn't call. Let him pursue you. Men tend to realize they are in love in a woman's absence. Let him miss you. Just my thoughts, though.
Guest Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 If he wants you, he will come and find you. Believe me, you do NOT want to get caught into a love triangle. I wouldn't call. Let him pursue you. Men tend to realize they are in love in a woman's absence. Let him miss you. Just my thoughts, though. I appreciate your thoughts. He has tried to come to me so many times...and I either shoot him down or avoid him. He's been shot down. That isn't even what I had intended. He does miss me. I don't know if he ever wants to be with me again, but I know he misses me. I'll never know unless I try. I have no expectations. None. I just want him to know that it has taken this long to figure myself out, and I didn't even know I needed to do that at the time. And to know that my feelings for him never changed. He can do with it what he wants. I made a lot of mistakes that I never would've seen if this hadn't happened.
Art_Critic Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 He has tried to come to me so many times...and I either shoot him down or avoid him. He's been shot down. you need to let him go.. if he contacts you from this point out then go from there.. I had an ex that I contacted a bunch after the breakup and got shot down by getting no response..continually.. even though I would love to hear from her I'm now done trying.. it is up to her to make the effort.. Sometimes it is best to let a guy miss you and let him persue you.. that way you know he is serious. Let him make the effort.... Try and move on....if he never contacts you then you are way ahead of the game on healing He is still with her and you haven't a chance in hell of getting him back.. and why would you want him back ?.. you would be his backup girl and who wants to be that ?
shawn_68 Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I'll never know unless I try. I have no expectations. None. I just want him to know that it has taken this long to figure myself out, and I didn't even know I needed to do that at the time. And to know that my feelings for him never changed. He can do with it what he wants. I made a lot of mistakes that I never would've seen if this hadn't happened. I know I will be in the minority here but I'll say it anyway. If you've repeatedly shot him down when he contacted you, I wouldn't expect him to pursue you anytime soon. Why would he contact you and get hurt yet AGAIN? If you still have an interest, and you can accept the outcome -- whatever it may be -- I say go ahead and give it a try. You've already accepted the worst possible outcome.
luvtoto Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I have no expectations. Yes, you do. You are still grieving for the loss of your relationship. If you spill your heart out to him, maybe..just maybe he will want you back. They call this the bargaining stage of grief. If the relationship was right for both of you...it wouldn't be this difficult.
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 you need to let him go.. if he contacts you from this point out then go from there.. I had an ex that I contacted a bunch after the breakup and got shot down by getting no response..continually.. even though I would love to hear from her I'm now done trying.. it is up to her to make the effort.. Sometimes it is best to let a guy miss you and let him persue you.. that way you know he is serious. Let him make the effort.... Try and move on....if he never contacts you then you are way ahead of the game on healing He is still with her and you haven't a chance in hell of getting him back.. and why would you want him back ?.. you would be his backup girl and who wants to be that ? He has pursued me throughout-I've avoided him or shot him down. And everyone he knows has told him to give it up because of my actions. I mentioned the backup plan to him-he said if that were the case, wouldn't I just be with you now? Why in the world would you say I haven't a chance in hell?
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I know I will be in the minority here but I'll say it anyway. If you've repeatedly shot him down when he contacted you, I wouldn't expect him to pursue you anytime soon. Why would he contact you and get hurt yet AGAIN? If you still have an interest, and you can accept the outcome -- whatever it may be -- I say go ahead and give it a try. You've already accepted the worst possible outcome. Thank you Shawn. That is it exactly. I shot him down and do not expect him to pursue me anymore. At least that is how I would see it. Seems like I'm missing something here according to everyone else. And what do I have to lose? I have no intention of getting involved in any triangle. And he knows it. I think the no contact rule is good to an extent. It's knowing when to open up communication again if you want to reconcile that is the problem. What do you think the odds are he'll even believe me?
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Yes, you do. You are still grieving for the loss of your relationship. If you spill your heart out to him, maybe..just maybe he will want you back. They call this the bargaining stage of grief. If the relationship was right for both of you...it wouldn't be this difficult. Yes, I am still grieving. I will probably always grieve for it. Talk to me in 10 years. No, I'm not going to tell him that. I'm not going to "pour my heart out" to him. Christ, at this point I think he thinks I'm looking for a booty-call. I closed communication to him. He tried to come back several times, and I wouldn't have it. It is important to me that he knows how I really feel about him. Simple as that. I have no expectations. If he isn't interested, fine, now I know, and I can let it go. I will know, once and for all. If he is, I will be pleasantly surprised. There is no bargaining involved.
D-Lish Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Why did you shoot him down repeatedly in the past? There had to be some reason for that. You mention he had been off seeing an ex, and that prompted your break up. If that's truly the case and he's back with her... could you trust him now? It didn't seem like you trusted him initially when you ended things. If you had trust issues before- and now he's actually dating his ex... then imagine how trust would impact your relationship if you two got back together. Do you really want him back? Or are you reacting to him dating? D
Art_Critic Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Why in the world would you say I haven't a chance in hell? I'm going to speak for myself here.. If I'm having sex with a girl , then the girl I'm having sex with is the one that has the chance with me.. No other girl that comes along is going to bump the girl I'm being intimate with off and replace her.. no way.. I tend to repsect the women I'm intimate with. With your guy.. if they breakup then you have a chance but not if he is being intimate with her. My 2 cents
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I'm going to speak for myself here.. If I'm having sex with a girl , then the girl I'm having sex with is the one that has the chance with me.. No other girl that comes along is going to bump the girl I'm being intimate with off and replace her.. no way.. I tend to repsect the women I'm intimate with. With your guy.. if they breakup then you have a chance but not if he is being intimate with her. My 2 cents I think everyone is jumping the cue here....all i see is someone wanting to call another person and do what they couldn't do at the time. there's nothing wrong with that. you should praise this person for doing the work needed to reach that point. and, when someone states that they have no expectations, instead of doubting them, believe them - besides they have stated why they want to do this - to tell them how the feel and what they went thru - no where in there do i see this person saying 'i want to go back' - so instead of planting seeds of fear and doubt when this person has finally done the work and is confident enuff to do that [and think about how big that is - give them props people]. i say go for it - well done!
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Why did you shoot him down repeatedly in the past? There had to be some reason for that. You mention he had been off seeing an ex, and that prompted your break up. If that's truly the case and he's back with her... could you trust him now? It didn't seem like you trusted him initially when you ended things. If you had trust issues before- and now he's actually dating his ex... then imagine how trust would impact your relationship if you two got back together. Do you really want him back? Or are you reacting to him dating? D He met up with an ex. He may very well have told me about it when he came home. I didn't give him the chance to come home. I didn't have trust issues with him before. I just had a strange feeling and acted on it. I called him and ended it while he was still visiting with her. Immediately went into no contact. I shot him down because everyone told me to have no contact. And he kept calling me and coming to my door. And I ignored him. Because he had moved in with her. We never even discussed any of it-ever-until the other night. I didn't discuss it with him that night-just said I know where you are and I'm done. We talked about it the other night. I simply told him I missed him and he was completly shocked. I've wanted to tell him how I've felt all along, but everyone kept telling me not to. He is no longer living with her. They still see each other, but not very often. I can put it all behind me if the need arises. I know that for a fact. I don't think he'll come back though. He's been dating for months now. I've been silently pining away, pretending not to care.
simon_uk Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I am going against the grain also. It sounds like you were the one to break up eith him for whatever reason. He tried to get you back a number of times. You dismissed him. he has given up trying. Is that correct? If so then YES I think you should call him and tell him what you are telling us here.
Guest Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 I think everyone is jumping the cue here....all i see is someone wanting to call another person and do what they couldn't do at the time. there's nothing wrong with that. you should praise this person for doing the work needed to reach that point. and, when someone states that they have no expectations, instead of doubting them, believe them - besides they have stated why they want to do this - to tell them how the feel and what they went thru - no where in there do i see this person saying 'i want to go back' - so instead of planting seeds of fear and doubt when this person has finally done the work and is confident enough to do that [and think about how big that is - give them props people]. i say go for it - well done! Thanks so much for that. Yeah, I've done the work, but I'm feeling awful. And I probably won't feel better until I do this. I may very well make a fool of myself, but at this point, who cares? At least I'm being true to myself. I tried convincing myself I didn't care. I'm usually very good at that. My feelings must be pretty strong if I'm this messed up about it. I convinced him, but not me. Nice job. There are many factors playing here. He means the world to me. I'm not expecting him back. I honestly would take him back in a heartbeat. I've been listening to his friends, who now want nothing to do with him, tell me how stupid I am and telling me they're going to call him to see if he has bragging rights. They know my heart is broken. I don't know if they know how true my feelings really are. They just saw all we went through together and are completely disgusted by how it's turned out. They won't even hear my side. All they see is that I went through hell for him, put my world aside for him and he moved in with the ex. Because they've never had someone do that for them. And they know I've never done that for anyone before. My expectations at this point are that I will tell him how I feel, he will probably tell me he'd like that too, but needs to get his **** together. Leaving me hanging. And that is what I can't take. If he told me he never cared about me and was just using me, he loves his gf and wants to be there, anything like that and I would be so okay. If he were to leave her and just come back I'd be more than happy. It's that yeah, but that I can't take. I need to move on, one way or another and i obviously can't do it by keeping it all in forever. Which is why I'm thinking of just writing him a letter. That's another thing. Writing is my thing. (I know you'd never know it from this!) And I've never written anything to him at all. Not even a birthday card. Nothing. You can give and do everything, but it's the little things that count. And somewhere along the lines I forgot about that. And if you really truly love someone, don't you think that person should know it? Not because you want something from them, but simply because you love them?
Guest Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 I am going against the grain also. It sounds like you were the one to break up eith him for whatever reason. He tried to get you back a number of times. You dismissed him. he has given up trying. Is that correct? If so then YES I think you should call him and tell him what you are telling us here. Thanks for the input. Much appreciated.
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