My turn-devastated-found the truth

[Marielle]

Long story short, I ve been in this affair for almos 2 yrs...a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of promises on his part. (He had a baby when we started this affair...We where very much in love, he would see me every day, and on weekends he would spend the evenings with me.

He promised he would leave his marriage, bcause he doesn t love her, all the bs...also that he's at the final step of leaving, he says he told her he doesn t love her anymore, they are living like roomates for the sake of the baby.

 

Now, last night he stayed over..and when he left, I notice that he forgot his cell phone!!!!

I tried not to look at it...but I could not sleep with the thought of it..finally I gave up and snooped through it and found the horrible truth...his wife's name is under "cherie" (we are francophones, means something like sweetheart) and my name is a couple of initials, that lok like a guys name...

Please understand that these or NOT small dtails and I bleived him that he loved me like crazy and he was not having a close relationship with the W.

 

I am shaking and devastated, because this explains he had NO intention to leave M, and it was all BS?

I don t know what to do now....just in case I wrote down al the numbers (home, wife cell) HE doesnt know yet that I looked in his cell phone, for that I would have to admiit that I remember the password he mentioned 1 yr ago! He dosnt think I can remember.

SHould I confess it or just send him to hell without an explanation???

[Mirage222]

"Cherie" IS his WIFE! Therefore, would you expect her number NOT to be in his cell phone? You really should just let it go..

[Marielle]

But you don't understand...he was saying it's over between them, that he was staying only for the baby, it was over before myself being in the picture. That he loves me more than anyone in this world, he can not live without me.

He said soon he would leave to be with me...I attempted to leave him many times, HE"S the one who wouldn't let me go.

 

 

I now I sound naive, but he was really convincing, millions of details to backup this. Please I need your support right now, not to feel stupid...my heart is in tears

 

Anyway thanks for your input, your the first one to reply

[PoshPrincess]

I'm a bit confused. Are you just p***ed off because you found her number in his phone under 'Cherie' or did you find messages that suggest they are still living as H & W? I know you probably don't like to think of him calling her Cherie, Darling, Sweetheart or any other terms of endearment but this number could've been in his phone under this name long before things went bad between them, long before he started seeing you, unless you know different of course. He's a man! He wouldn't think of something like changing her name in there and of course he will have her number in there. As the last poster said, she IS his wife!

 

Unless you have found some messages suggesting anything other than what he has told you then I would let it go. Just my personal opinion.

 

Keep us posted. Good luck

[Marielle]

It's not about him having his wife's number on his cell, I respect that, she's the mother of his child...

It's just that I find it heart breaking it's under "cherie", and myself under some intials (previously he would have me under my name added "my love"), it's obvious he does it to cover up bcause she found out.

 

SO I c he had no intention of leaving.

I m not a home wreker, I fell for his lies.

[Mirage222]

Defintely here to support you <<<HUGS>>>. I just meant that because of them having a baby & all, sure he would have the wife's number in his cell, no? For baby talk so to say. If he's in the car and just auto dials.

 

I want nothing more then it to work for you and for everyone... LS beings us ALL together for one reason or another..

[Jane Doe]

Could you see from his received and dialed calls where he and his wife contact each other often?

[Marielle]

Jane doe, I checked that, and they do not contact each other much, just 1 missed call from her...and n reply to it from him.

 

I sent him an e mail saying the truth, that I snooped because I did not trust him a 100% and that it proves I m only his mistress, and that he had no intentions of leaving her.

 

And to not contact me anymore...

He came right away to pick up his phone, looking REALLY upset (pale)

And I gave him his phone and closed the door on him.

 

 

Do you think I over reacted? Again, it s not the fact that he has his wife on his cell. It is the fact that he still calls her cherie...

[whichwayisup]

Who knows what is really going on between him and his wife, but you have to know that at sometime they've been intimate, sleeping in the same bed. Whether or not the marriage is as bad as he says it is, is anybody's guess... All I can say is, his words are different than his actions.

 

I don't think you over reacted. IF he truely loves you and wants to end his marriage to be with you, he will just do it, no matter what. IF he doesn't love his wife anymore, then he will have no guilt, he'll just follow his heart and be with you...Problem is, he isn't doing that - He has lied, why wouldn't he, seeing as he's been lying to his wife as well...

 

He's being selfish, having both of you meet his needs. I'm sure he does care about you, but is it enough to end his marriage and start a new life with you?

 

Also, what are you willing to put up with? Do you want to be his OW forever? Hidden away, being put second to his wife and child? Not to be included in his life in every way? Is he worth it? Just ask yourself these questions..

 

I hope you find happiness, without this MM in your life...You deserve to be with a man who will love only you.

[Guest]

and found the horrible truth...his wife's name is under "cherie" (we are francophones, means something like sweetheart) and my name is a couple of initials, that lok like a guys name...

Please understand that these or NOT small dtails and I bleived him that he loved me like crazy and he was not having a close relationship with the W.

 

There it is in black and white: YOU, dirty little secret; HER, WIFE. He covers you up, and shows her off.

 

Not trying to be mean or call you names, just stating ONE possible interpretation of HIS actions. It looks like a guys name to throw HER off. HIS secret.

 

Just don't fall for anymore of his lies. No matter how much you love him. This is not worth it.

[Marielle]

Thanks all for your input, you all showed empathy and understanding, I thought I was going to get harsh answers.

Mirage, I understand what you say...thanks for the hugs (i need them, even if virtual:( )

 

I am in a lot of pain, he has not even tried to call me...(I m sure he's mad , or this time cannot explain the unexplainable)

 

I love this man more than anything, more than a brother...we where extremely close. I feel like I m dying...

 

I f he loved me that much he would have left her, the baby might be an excuse now I think, How can he put me through all this pain for so long? I know it s my fault, but how can I forget him and get over this feeling?

 

Do you think it's low what I did? (snooping, sending him an email saying I won t be his misstress, do not call me anymore, I deserve more than this, etc)???

[Marielle]

Well, Guest, That's the point, that's exactly MY interpretation and me trying to deal with it.

I m sooooooo pissed and lost!

[greeneyes78]

Another possibility is that he was expecting for his wife to do the snooping... When you live together, there are plenty of opportunities to get a hold of each other's cell phones when the other one is not watching (him taking a nap, or a shower, or whatever). Your initials in his cell phone could very well be just a cover up.

[Dayzie]

I totally agree with greeneyes78! He needs to hide from his wife, not you. And I totally understand why something that seems so silly to others hurts you so much. I think you need to have a serious talk with him, not about this, but about your relationship. How long is he going to stay with his wife for the child? It's actually worse for the child to live in the kind of house where his/her parents don't get along. You need to find out where this is going b/c you're putting your life on hold for him, what is he doing for you?

[Guest]

Marielle, I posted my story as "Warning to all OW.." a few days ago in this forum. I found out through snooping as well that my supposed college sweetheart was feeding me and a lot of other women a ton of lies. He tells every women he wants to bang that his marriage is "difficult", and his W doesn't have sex with him anymore, etc. Then I find out that he is in fact very lovey-dovey with his W ("you are the love of my life", "I ache for you when I'm away" "You mean more to me than life itself", etc.) Very shocking, even though I never had a physical relationship with him. This man was clearly trying to get me to have pitty sex with him. What a disgusting liar.

 

I'm certain that your MM is lying to you and his W. Google "Manipulator" and read up on the subject. They tell everybody they want to manipulate what they want to hear to get what they want. He probably tells his W how lucky he is to be married to such a perfect woman (as my "MM" did) so she will not suspect that he sleeps around on her, and you how much he loves you and how much his marriage sucks so will continue to have sex with him.

 

If a man REALLY loves you and wants to be with you, NOTHING will stop him. Ain't no mountain high enough ....

[outofdarkness]

Long story short, I ve been in this affair for almos 2 yrs...a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of promises on his part. (He had a baby when we started this affair...We where very much in love, he would see me every day, and on weekends he would spend the evenings with me.

He promised he would leave his marriage, bcause he doesn t love her, all the bs...also that he's at the final step of leaving, he says he told her he doesn t love her anymore, they are living like roomates for the sake of the baby.

 

Now, last night he stayed over..and when he left, I notice that he forgot his cell phone!!!!

I tried not to look at it...but I could not sleep with the thought of it..finally I gave up and snooped through it and found the horrible truth...his wife's name is under "cherie" (we are francophones, means something like sweetheart) and my name is a couple of initials, that lok like a guys name...

Please understand that these or NOT small dtails and I bleived him that he loved me like crazy and he was not having a close relationship with the W.

 

I am shaking and devastated, because this explains he had NO intention to leave M, and it was all BS?

I don t know what to do now....just in case I wrote down al the numbers (home, wife cell) HE doesnt know yet that I looked in his cell phone, for that I would have to admiit that I remember the password he mentioned 1 yr ago! He dosnt think I can remember.

SHould I confess it or just send him to hell without an explanation???

I had always wondered after my H cheated on me for over 10 years, if the main OW, or just one of them had somehow gotten hold of his cell or blackberry and written down, numbers, passwords, other sensitive info...I just thought of it last week and changed all of the pwrds, etc..Now I know that it does indeed happen..Another example of how trusting and in denial I was...Hope things look up for you soon...Blessings

[Marielle]

That s exactly my point, he is doing it to cover up from the W, in case SHE snoops. But again that was my whole point and what gets me mad: He was supposedly out of the marriage 95%.

 

And now it is clear nothing EVER changed: Roomates? Ma Cherie Roomate!!!!

fgs

[Marielle]

GUEST: I have read it bfore your story, but even though I was in denial, your post did something to me at the time, it maybe gave me the strenth to snoop his cell. It vcertainly caught my attention.

 

outofdarkness: WHat s your point? (not being harsh, really asking..I need help)

[norajane]

If he's been planning to leave her for the last two years and hasn't even separated or talked to a lawyer or filed for divorce, what exactly has he been doing that gives you the impression that he was planning to leave? Just because he said so? Words without action = lie.

 

It's very common for MM to lie about what's going on in their marriages, to say they aren't having sex, are sleeping in separate rooms, are just sticking around until their child/ren are in school, high school, out of the house...

 

Be grateful that you got a wake up call now, before wasting more years of your life on this man.

[Marielle]

If he's been planning to leave her for the last two years and hasn't even separated or talked to a lawyer or filed for divorce, what exactly has he been doing that gives you the impression that he was planning to leave? Just because he said so? Words without action = lie.

 

It's very common for MM to lie about what's going on in their marriages, to say they aren't having sex, are sleeping in separate rooms, are just sticking around until their child/ren are in school, high school, out of the house...

 

Be grateful that you got a wake up call now, before wasting more years of your life on this man.

 

Exactly, Norajane...I admit I was in denial, but you know how it works...I was immerged into all this loooooovething. nobody ever gave me so much affection, tenderness, love and attention, he made me feel the most beautiful and smart person, very sweet and caring, he is very jealous and says to everyone that I am his girlfriend, he would even tell that to all coworkers and friends that he wanted to stay with me....I got stringed along

But I couldn t continue with all this pain and waiting...this was a sign. A wake up call.

I m 35, no kids...I really can t waste more time.

[NoIDidn't]

Its heartbreaking to find out that someone we love, lied to us. I have had it happen more than once. I agree with the interpretation of yours and the Guest. If his M is basically over, then why is he hiding your phone number in a way that it looks like its a guy (oldest trick in the book, BTW)?

 

He isn't leaving. I wouldn't be surprised if you found out that she was pregnant again. Guys like him start As because their W's are spending more time on family things (as they should with an infant), instead of them. They really aren't the leaving type.

 

I hope you feel better in time away from this l!ar.

[Guest]

i have discovered something...that my brain has deficiency...i think i need to go back to school or something...please don't mock or laugh at me about this but i have been reading a lot of posts here and at different sites and whenever i read a tale or story about troubled relationship where lying and cheating or whatever goes on, i really can never tell what the heck people are talking about! lol. maybe its because i am not hardwired to understand cheating or that i have known many that do...i do GET IT when the story is presented in a real way....i don't know what it is...maybe it's my dyslexia...maybe i should start reading childrens' books again...lol

 

pathetic eh - i know!

 

for some guys u have to keep it reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal simple! lol

[Marielle]

briefing

 

The problem with long threads is that the main subject gets dispersed or in several branches.

 

TO summarize, can you respond to this specific questions?

Was it low on my part the snooping ++in this case+++

The silence from him (normally he could call me like crazy, 100 times) is it bcause he s mad at me for snooping and dumping him?

DId overreact?

[outofdarkness]

GUEST: I have read it bfore your story, but even though I was in denial, your post did something to me at the time, it maybe gave me the strenth to snoop his cell. It vcertainly caught my attention.

 

outofdarkness: WHat s your point? (not being harsh, really asking..I need help)

My point was that I was thankful for the info! I learn something new everyday on this forum and that's one more day that I am more informed and don't feel so crazy after all...should have specified that...It was sort of a random post...Didn't mean to threadjack! Blessings..

[norajane]

Exactly, Norajane...I admit I was in denial, but you know how it works...I was immerged into all this loooooovething. nobody ever gave me so much affection, tenderness, love and attention, he made me feel the most beautiful and smart person, very sweet and caring, he is very jealous and says to everyone that I am his girlfriend, he would even tell that to all coworkers and friends that he wanted to stay with me....I got stringed along

But I couldn t continue with all this pain and waiting...this was a sign. A wake up call.

I m 35, no kids...I really can t waste more time.

 

As hard as it is, you're in a much better position now to be strong enough to say no to the looooove stuff and find someone who is free to give you what you want out of life and love.

 

I had an EA with a man who was actually separated and living apart from his wife. We worked together, traveled on business together, and wow, was there a connection, friendship, and love. But I had a similar experience when I glimpsed his laptop screen when he had his instant messaging thing open - his wife's name was right there at the top of his list. Ok, her name started with an A, but even so, separated or not, she was still that much a part of his life even though they didn't have kids. And I realized I just couldn't wait and wait and wait anymore for his marriage to end. I realized that waiting for someone's marriage to end before our relationship could truly go anywhere was not how I wanted to live my life...

 

Good luck to you.