Guest Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 My wife and I separated four months ago. We were married for eight months when she left. We had dated for over four years prior to that. We have since sold the house that we owned together and she now has an apartment. I am staying with friends. The first two months after she left I was hurt and I was not receptive when she would call. I was being a baby. Around two months ago I started to call and try to work things out with her. At this point she wasn't receptive. When I would ask about us getting together to talk she would tell me that she isn't ready for that. I called a few times with the same message. I stopped calling for about one month. I thought that it would be best to give her space. Last week my lawyer called me, she received a post nuptial agreement from my wife's lawyer. We are in Pennsylvania and it is the same as a separation agreement. I called my wife and she told me that she sent this over because we need to do something with the money from the house. I told her that I do not want a divorce that I am willing to work on things. She told me that we really haven't tried to reconcile. neither of us has made an effort. I have tried I wrote a three page letter that stated how I fell in love with her, where I made mistakes and how i would like to move forward and work on things. i have asked for us to go to counseling or a face to face meeting. She has told me that she isn't ready. When we spoke about the post-nup she said that we can hold off on the divorce and we can talk about it. My only concern is that it states in the post-nup that we will not get any money until the divorce is final so that niether of us hold up the divorce proceedings. I spoke to her agian last night and I told her that I do not want to sign the post-nup I do not want a divorce. I told her that I would like to go to counceling or a divorce workshop. I told her that I would like to continue to comunicate and try to work things out. SHe really didn't respond either way. Right now as it stands the check from the house will be made out in both names. She knows that I really do not want a divorce. She knows that I do not want to sign the post-nup. Good points 1) She listened and wasn’t angry 2) She said that she would hold off on the divorce and we can talk about it 3) She was willing to stay on the phone and “catch up” 4) I didn’t get a no to any of my requests 5) She told me the timing of the post nuptial or the purpose was because the house sold and the money has to go somewhere 6) She told me she missed me on Tuesday 7) She said that it was ok to call her every couple of days Bad points 1) I didn’t get a yes to any of my requests 2) She sent the post nuptial in the first place and it stated she would file 3) I asked her if she wanted a divorce she said yes I am confused. I realize that I haven't provided a lot of detail but It would be fifteen pages at this point. My friend that I have spoken to since that start of this has stated from the beginning that he felt based on what I told him that she did this to wake me up. He also feels that she sent this post-nup to test me. He told me to continue to call every couple days and not discuss this but really just try to talk about our lives aside from this to try to reconnect. He told me that I should stand firm and continue to state my case that i do not want a divorce.
FlyingHigh Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Why the separation? You weren't specific as to why she left. Sounds like she's just as confused as your are. If she wanted a divorce, she wouldn't be receptive to wanting to keep in touch with you. The fact that she is, she is waiting to see what happens, and possibly what your next move might be. Figure out why all of a sudden you two separated? Were you meeting her emotional needs? Different expections, goals after marriage? Suggestion: check out www.marriagebuilders.com and read "Her Needs, His Needs" as well as other helpful articles. Good luck. Your marriage seems hopeful.
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Why the separation? You weren't specific as to why she left. Sounds like she's just as confused as your are. If she wanted a divorce, she wouldn't be receptive to wanting to keep in touch with you. The fact that she is, she is waiting to see what happens, and possibly what your next move might be. Figure out why all of a sudden you two separated? Were you meeting her emotional needs? Different expections, goals after marriage? Suggestion: check out www.marriagebuilders.com and read "Her Needs, His Needs" as well as other helpful articles. Good luck. Your marriage seems hopeful. Thank you for you response. We started off with money problems. she felt like I was hiding money from her. This was poor comminication on both sides. We fought about money because we were strapped with just buying a house and everthing that goes into that. The next problem was my drinking. I was drinking every night. This was cause for major concern. We would fight about this often. The next problem were the in-laws. Her family was constantly interfearing in our affairs. This was at her request and theirs. The next issue was we were involved in a power struggle. We argued about everything. This was only from the time we got married. This was not really prior to that. When she moved out she took all of her stuff with her. She lived with her parents and I living with friends. In the begining I was hurt and I was being a baby I told her I wanted a divorce, I told her I wanted to sell the house and i told her that I wanted to move on. This pushed her away and created distance between us. Two months into this I wanted to work on things and she has not been receptive since. I have told her that I do not want a divorce and I would like to try to work on things. She has told me that she isn't ready and when I pushed she has told me she wants a divorce. Rather then sign the post-nup we had the settlement company make out two checks 50% to each. This was really just to appease her. Now there is really nothing standing in her way for a divorce. It said in the post-nup that neither of us would get any money so that neither of us could hold up the divorce process and she was ready and willing to sign it.
FlyingHigh Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 We started off with money problems. Were you? Did you comingle funds? Joint accounts or separate accounts? she felt like I was hiding money from her. What made her think that way? Did you spend/buy big ticket item without letting her know? No matter the price tag on an item unless a pack of underwear, food it's normal to be curious. This is one of those petty things that come with marriages. The next problem was my drinking. I was drinking every night. This was cause for major concern Did it get in the way of your daily functioning? Are you getting help? This can be a deal breaker for her if this is a serious problem and you don't get help. The next problem were the in-laws. Her family was constantly interfearing in our affairs. This was at her request and theirs. This can be a problem with any marriages! As long as she actively seeks her parents like an insecure child, your marriage is ddomed. I don't get this part with people....If you're gonna play grown up and get married, in-laws have no business interefering. They should know better! In your case, obviously not. Your wife needs to throw out the pacifier and bottle, and weane herself. Her responsibility is to you and her marriage as much as it is your responsibility to find another way to ease your trouble other than at the bottom of bottle. And that's exactly what you'll find at the bottom each....nothing. Communication is the number one problem in any relationship/marriage followed by money. The next time you talk to your wife, if you haven't already, ask her, What would she like to see in you and your marriage; changes that she would like to see. This might help gauge where she's at. Don't debate with her. Just listen. If you have to debate, rephrase your words to, "If I did/were to do this, how will that make you feel? Your job is to follow through. Once you do this, she'll hopefully become receptive and reciprocate and ask you the same thing. Whatever you do, do NOT beg. It lessens your leverage. Put on your salesmanship. You never beg to make a sale. You negotiate and perk up the deal. And you deliver. Ask her if she'll consider marriage counseling for at least five sessions. Sell her the idea that the two of you have nothing to lose right now and if anything else, counseling will help both of you regardless of what happens. If you have medical insurance, they'll cover the first five with a co-pay of $30.00. Check your insurance. Let the counselor be the one to tell your wife she needs to weane herself from her parents. If all goes well after 5 sessions, your counselor can request for additional sessions. Most insurance companies will grant 15 session per year. Hopefully she'll agree to counseling. Good luck.
Recommended Posts