What would you do if your spouse had an affair?

[rainfall]

I would leave him no matter what the circumstances involved. I personally feel I deserve better then someone who will do something that horrible to me and that is one of the only things I probably would never forgive someone for doing.

[luvstarved]

I am with rainfall. No excuses whatsoever. I admit that if I were in dire financial circumstances then I might feel differently...but I doubt it.

 

After living with someone so many years I also doubt that I would entirely take the high road and not let a little venom spew here or there.

 

Most likely, I would not give him the satisfaction of an "irreconcilable differences"/face saving divorce. For a lot of reasons, I would slap him with the full adultery divorce and probably go a little out of my way to make sure it was common knowledge around town.

 

I'd like to say that I would just hold my head high and move on with my life, but I'm pretty sure, being honest with myself that I would go around doing some bad-mouthing. To my kids, only one of whom is really old enough to be confused and much affected (my older two are his stepkids and they already don't get along so they'd probably be thrilled) I would not lie but I would not get into crazy name calling either. I'd probably say that Daddy broke his promise to me and so I can't be with him anymore or something like that. She's 8 so it wouldn't be like telling a 3 or 4 year old.

 

But I definitely have a zero tolerance attitude on this. I only want my H and if he doesn't feel the same about me, then well...that's enough to make me stop wanting him too, instantaneously.

[noforgiveness]

Ohh, what a tough topic . I have been there, and am still going through it. What do you do if you have 3 small children, worked part time jobs for 5 years so he could finish schooling? He now makes 3 times what I do. I was told by his former best friend. When confronted, he confirmed it. The first affair lasted about a month, and was with a woman almost 20 years his senior. The second affair lasted about 1 1/2 months, and he actually brought her to our home and slept with her in our bed.

 

What did I do? Well, first, I was fighting mad. Then I said, well, what can I do? I have 3 kids, only part time employment for the last 5 years, a car payment, parents both deceased, so no help. I have tried and tried and tried to forget and just keep this marriage going. Is not working. We have no relationship, sleep in separate bedrooms, and share no time together. I am scared to be alone, scared that no one will accept a woman with 3 children, scared that my children will lose their cozy lifestyle. What do I do? I have no idea .

 

 

I'm so sorry. That's no way to live though. Check your divorce laws for your state and get a lawyer. Turn his life upside down. See how much he can still play when he is paying you alimony and child support for 3 kids.

[noforgiveness]

 

That would've been my reply too but reading Guest's post made me realise it isn't always that simple. What do you do in that situation?

 

I don't even know if I could forgive someone if they did it once. Well, maybe not that I couldn't forgive but that I would find it very hard to trust again. I guess MC would be a good start - to see WHY it happened. I think some people just bury their heads in the sand and try and convince themselves that everything's ok within their M when it isn't and cannot see why their spouse has an affair (no excuse I know, bt it happens). I think it's harder (maybe from a woman's point of view than a man's) if it's an EA as well as just a PA. What do others think on that score?

 

 

See I just don't get this. You are an other woman. He was doing it to you everytime he went home to his wife. Don't you see that? You're saying it would be hard to trust them again but yet you trust your married man who lies daily to his wife?

[whichwayisup]

The difference is, she is well aware that her MM is going home to his wife...Now, if she found out that her MM was seeing another OW, then to her, that would be cheating.

[silktricks]

See I just don't get this. You are an other woman. He was doing it to you everytime he went home to his wife. Don't you see that? You're saying it would be hard to trust them again but yet you trust your married man who lies daily to his wife?

 

What WWIU said is probably true, but the key for many OW appears to be that they believe the MM are telling them the truth, so it doesn't matter to them that those same men are living a lie with the person they promised to love for the rest of their lives. . .

 

totally confusing to me, but go figure. It becomes ever so much more confusing when those same OW say that they would never forgive . . .??? I'm like, WTF?? When I first started reading posts here I honestly thought they were simply trying to convince BS to leave their H's so they could get what they want - but after almost a year of it I realize that it's just a mindset that I can't (and don't want to) understand.

[Flyin in Clouds]

JamesM,

 

First, I check most of the other boards/threads on LS, so no need to tell me to check the OW/OM boards.

 

You and others make the claim that an affair can strengthen a marriage. If that is so, (but I doubt it is so), if my wife's affair could strengthen our marriage, then by golly gosh my affairs (plural) could make the marriage all the stronger. That is purely logical. You'd have to go a long way to show me a case where the wife's affair could be beneficial to the marriage but the husband's couldn't, unless the husband is just a doormat. (And lets exclude the lifestyle marriages were the guy wants to be a doormat).

 

And that's what a guy that stays in a marriage after his wife's affair is. A doormat. If the man really doesn't care much about his wife, sure it's easy to stay for the kids. But the more a man cares about a woman that betrays him the harder it would be to reconcile I would think. How is a guy that stays being "the man", instead of being just a doormat used by his wife? After all the wife has said loud and clear, "husband you are such a loser, that I had to go find another man to satisfy myself". So she's going to turn around and say, "but really you are the man of my dreams..."

 

If affairs can strength weak marriages, then why not encourage more cheating? Stronger marriages would result right? Strong marriages would survive cheating, and weak one's will be made better. Right? The whole concept that an affair makes a marriage better is just non-sense. Not having an affair and solving any problems in the marriage without cheating makes a marriage better.

 

So a weak marriage, where the wife sleeps with the OM is saved because that was the weakness in their marriage? The man couldn't satisfy his wife and now, post affair he is some how going to be able to?

 

Look you can reset a broken bone, but the bone is never the same as before the break. A marriage post cheating won't ever be the same either.

 

Wow, what world do yo live in? And don't say the real one, cuz that isn't real.

I do live in the real world, not some fantasy land called denial. If someone can "get over" an affair they are just burying it so deep that they don't see the reality of it anymore. And what will kids learn if they stay in a marriage after an affair should the truth ever be told to them? How will they think of their parents? I don't think anything good can come of it.

 

Based on that logic, NO ONE should ever forgive an affair or any sin /perfection of another human being.

The word you wanted was imperfection. You are forgiven.

 

Not all "sins" are the same level of "badness". If your wife murdered 4 of your kids would you forgive her? And want to keep living with her? Forgiveness isn't for the WS's benefit, it is for mine. Forgiveness doesn't mean there aren't penalties to be paid. Forgiveness isn't the same as forget.

 

It says that the BS can be forgiving provided the WS asks for forgiveness.

Forgiving a WS doesn't mean they get out of jail free. It does not mean having to continue living with them.

 

BUT if the BS has a "revenge" affair, they should expect the same kind of forgiveness. right? If not, why the double standard? Why should one expect forgiveness but be unwilling to give it if the situation was turned around?

 

It does say that they are both willing to try again because there still is a love connection. Sometimes being weak is taking the easiest route and running, and being strong is staying and fixing the problem.

The only strength in staying is the ability to endure a life time of pain. And the question is, after an affair how long does the relationship last before ending? 2 years, 5 years, until the kids are gone? How many of the "rebuilt" marriages eventually end in divorce? 50%, 20%, 70%? What are the odds?

 

If the BS said no more sex and the WS had an affair, BOTH are at fault.

So a woman is just a sex slave? She can't say no to sex in a marriage? If she does she deserves to be cheated on... that is what you are saying JamesM. So if a wife doesn't like anal, or BJs, or ... her H is justified in seeking an affair to get those "desires" satisfied? If a woman is just feeling lonely she can seek solace elsewhere. No at no time ever is the betrayed spouse at fault for the affair. If the marriage is that bad, the same "wake up call" can be sent with divorce papers. That is guaranteed to get the conversation started, just as much as an affair would, but without the affair baggage to over come.

 

Does that mean another selfish immature act will make things right?

Nothing can make things right again, but a "revenge" affair can make things equal - equally wrong, and that equality in some cases will be what can make the marriage go on. Not that the marriage would be better than prior to any of the affairs, or better, or improved, but simply possible to continue.

 

Was your wife a virgin when you married?

No, neither of us were virgins. We both had previous relationships. Same (low) number. Equal.

 

I wouldn't have married a woman that had 10 times as many lovers as I had. Just wouldn't have worked for me. Being at least equal and certainly not "less than" or at a disadvantage is something I'd require in a relationship.

 

And the thought of my wife's previous relationships bothers me at times, but then since I had roughly the same kind, I can deal with it. If had been a virgin and she not I doubt I would have dealt with it very well.

 

I've also said the personally I would have been willing to try swing if Mrs. Flyin was interested. But that would also have to be part of the "equal" thing. She could have other men, I could have other women. We'd still be equal and in that case it wouldn't bother me (I think, real life never seems to turn out quiet as well as fantasy).

 

And yes, FIC, yours has been helpful, too.

Glad to help. And yes, my point of view is --- rather odd? Unique. Different? Yeah, so what. If it's not useful discard it.

[amerikajin]

Well since I have been through this, this is what I did. I divorced him. Now please understand that prior to this affair he had, our marraige had been suffering for awhile. I pulled out all the stops in trying to repair, or fix what was broken. I tried to get him to go to marraige counseling, he wouldn't go. I went for myself. There were alot of issues in the marraige taking place before the affair ever happened. And yes, some of th issues were probably what led him to one.

 

I wanted so bad to fix the whole thing. He did not. he didn't try to meet me half way, he didn't try to help himself or the marraige. So after dealing with what I felt was a never ending battle, after I found out about the affair, that was just simply the last straw for me. I felt I had nothing left to give to the marraige as trying to repair it. I had tried before and it no avail it wasn't working. You can't be or have a marraige by youself. Or at least I couldn't. Had he been willing to try to help fix things, at least I would have known he wanted things to work, but he didn't. Maybe he felt the affair was his way out, I really don't know. Hindsight is 20/20, and now that I look back on things, even had he not had an affair, I'm not so sure the marraige would have worked out anyway because of the fact there were so many issues that HE was not willing to work on.

 

Why not just agree to an 'open marriage'? Problem solved.

[amerikajin]

JamesM,

 

First, I check most of the other boards/threads on LS, so no need to tell me to check the OW/OM boards.

 

You and others make the claim that an affair can strengthen a marriage. If that is so, (but I doubt it is so), if my wife's affair could strengthen our marriage, then by golly gosh my affairs (plural) could make the marriage all the stronger. That is purely logical. You'd have to go a long way to show me a case where the wife's affair could be beneficial to the marriage but the husband's couldn't, unless the husband is just a doormat. (And lets exclude the lifestyle marriages were the guy wants to be a doormat).

 

And that's what a guy that stays in a marriage after his wife's affair is. A doormat. If the man really doesn't care much about his wife, sure it's easy to stay for the kids. But the more a man cares about a woman that betrays him the harder it would be to reconcile I would think. How is a guy that stays being "the man", instead of being just a doormat used by his wife? After all the wife has said loud and clear, "husband you are such a loser, that I had to go find another man to satisfy myself". So she's going to turn around and say, "but really you are the man of my dreams..."

 

If affairs can strength weak marriages, then why not encourage more cheating? Stronger marriages would result right? Strong marriages would survive cheating, and weak one's will be made better. Right? The whole concept that an affair makes a marriage better is just non-sense. Not having an affair and solving any problems in the marriage without cheating makes a marriage better.

 

So a weak marriage, where the wife sleeps with the OM is saved because that was the weakness in their marriage? The man couldn't satisfy his wife and now, post affair he is some how going to be able to?

 

Look you can reset a broken bone, but the bone is never the same as before the break. A marriage post cheating won't ever be the same either.

 

I do live in the real world, not some fantasy land called denial. If someone can "get over" an affair they are just burying it so deep that they don't see the reality of it anymore. And what will kids learn if they stay in a marriage after an affair should the truth ever be told to them? How will they think of their parents? I don't think anything good can come of it.

 

The word you wanted was imperfection. You are forgiven.

 

Not all "sins" are the same level of "badness". If your wife murdered 4 of your kids would you forgive her? And want to keep living with her? Forgiveness isn't for the WS's benefit, it is for mine. Forgiveness doesn't mean there aren't penalties to be paid. Forgiveness isn't the same as forget.

 

Forgiving a WS doesn't mean they get out of jail free. It does not mean having to continue living with them.

 

BUT if the BS has a "revenge" affair, they should expect the same kind of forgiveness. right? If not, why the double standard? Why should one expect forgiveness but be unwilling to give it if the situation was turned around?

 

The only strength in staying is the ability to endure a life time of pain. And the question is, after an affair how long does the relationship last before ending? 2 years, 5 years, until the kids are gone? How many of the "rebuilt" marriages eventually end in divorce? 50%, 20%, 70%? What are the odds?

 

So a woman is just a sex slave? She can't say no to sex in a marriage? If she does she deserves to be cheated on... that is what you are saying JamesM. So if a wife doesn't like anal, or BJs, or ... her H is justified in seeking an affair to get those "desires" satisfied? If a woman is just feeling lonely she can seek solace elsewhere. No at no time ever is the betrayed spouse at fault for the affair. If the marriage is that bad, the same "wake up call" can be sent with divorce papers. That is guaranteed to get the conversation started, just as much as an affair would, but without the affair baggage to over come.

 

Nothing can make things right again, but a "revenge" affair can make things equal - equally wrong, and that equality in some cases will be what can make the marriage go on. Not that the marriage would be better than prior to any of the affairs, or better, or improved, but simply possible to continue.

 

No, neither of us were virgins. We both had previous relationships. Same (low) number. Equal.

 

I wouldn't have married a woman that had 10 times as many lovers as I had. Just wouldn't have worked for me. Being at least equal and certainly not "less than" or at a disadvantage is something I'd require in a relationship.

 

And the thought of my wife's previous relationships bothers me at times, but then since I had roughly the same kind, I can deal with it. If had been a virgin and she not I doubt I would have dealt with it very well.

 

I've also said the personally I would have been willing to try swing if Mrs. Flyin was interested. But that would also have to be part of the "equal" thing. She could have other men, I could have other women. We'd still be equal and in that case it wouldn't bother me (I think, real life never seems to turn out quiet as well as fantasy).

 

Glad to help. And yes, my point of view is --- rather odd? Unique. Different? Yeah, so what. If it's not useful discard it.

 

You don't necessarily have to be a doormat, though, brah. Being a doormat isn't a response to a crisis, it's a state of mind.

 

Like, if I were single and a spouse cheated on me, and if I wanted a family and so forth and I still had my future ahead of me, yeah, I'd probably approach my bytch for an amicable split with as little litigation as possible. Revenge is a waste of time.

 

If, however, I was married with kids or if we'd been together for a while and accumulated assets, I'd just try to accept what is and have an open marriage. Just be discreet about it, that's all.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Can people stop quoting an entire post, unless they care to comment on specific parts of it. Everyone can read it when it's three posts above.... chop out the middle with an ellipse ...

 

...

Like, if I were single and a spouse cheated on me,

 

You can't be single and have a spouse. ??? You mean married with no kids?

 

If, however, I was married with kids or if we'd been together for a while and accumulated assets, I'd just try to accept what is and have an open marriage. Just be discreet about it, that's all.

Yeah, like try to never ever tell her about the OW.... Of course if she finds out all hell will break loose because a woman can cheat and expect, no, demand, to be forgiven, but a man cheating... kick him to the curb...

[Guest]

i noticed that everyone is talking about affairs in the context of marriage...i think that is different from when someone is in a relationship. see, this may sound strange but i think you have an 'affair' when u are married and you 'cheat' when u are in a relationship....

 

maybe someone can whip some common sense into me but i see it this way, if i am in a relationship and someone decides to 'have another relationship with someone else' - it is much better that it happen then instead of when you are married...i would think it would be easier to deal with the fallout...does that make sense?

[littleladyofgold]

If I was confident, determined and self-sufficient enough, of course I would leave. That would be my first step to making him suffer and free myself from that kind of a relationship. Though, adding the kid factor and everything else, I might not be in the right state of mind to be able to live a life alone at least not at the beginning. SO I'm not sure what Iwould do. I'd probably need some meds to help get out of that mess.

My first thought would probably be to strangle him though.

 

A couple years ago I would think of what I would do in this instance and the first thing that came to mind was to cheat as well.

But then, I realized I would be lowering my standards and everything that he respects about me would be diminished. I would be changing myself because of him. And that I am not willing to do. I will never let the world change who I am.

I think it would be much deeper revenge to break off the relationship, then have other men persue me or fall in love with me for a long-term commitment than cheapening myself to a whore. It would be easy probably for the hubby to get over me thinking that I am that trashy anyways. NOt only that, but it will also seed the thought that I am too good for him and better than him. He stooped low; I didn't. Never can he blame or point fault at me either. Last thing I would need is his rebuttal "you did it too". Let him keep his cheap thrills and disgusting behavior all to himself.

[SueBee3490]

i noticed that everyone is talking about affairs in the context of marriage...i think that is different from when someone is in a relationship. see, this may sound strange but i think you have an 'affair' when u are married and you 'cheat' when u are in a relationship....?

 

Guest, I also tend to call it cheating when done in the context of a relationship but an affair when done within a marriage.

 

maybe someone can whip some common sense into me but i see it this way' date=' if i am in a relationship and someone decides to 'have another relationship with someone else' - it is much better that it happen then instead of when you are married...i would think it would be easier to deal with the fallout...does that make sense?[/quote']

 

Yes this makes sense and I wish I would have figured this out before marriage.

 

I am going thru a divorce now because he cheated on me while dating (as many here know, I didn't know about the cheating until after marriage). So now I have to deal with the fallout of a divorce much as if he had the affairs on me while married. I think I'm at a point where his not telling me about the cheating before marrying me makes me angrier than the actual cheating.

[BUTAFLY]

Ohh, what a tough topic . I have been there, and am still going through it. What do you do if you have 3 small children, worked part time jobs for 5 years so he could finish schooling? He now makes 3 times what I do. I was told by his former best friend. When confronted, he confirmed it. The first affair lasted about a month, and was with a woman almost 20 years his senior. The second affair lasted about 1 1/2 months, and he actually brought her to our home and slept with her in our bed.

 

What did I do? Well, first, I was fighting mad. Then I said, well, what can I do? I have 3 kids, only part time employment for the last 5 years, a car payment, parents both deceased, so no help. I have tried and tried and tried to forget and just keep this marriage going. Is not working. We have no relationship, sleep in separate bedrooms, and share no time together. I am scared to be alone, scared that no one will accept a woman with 3 children, scared that my children will lose their cozy lifestyle. What do I do? I have no idea .

 

 

This has to be the most honest post I've ever read on LS. Thanks for keeping it real Guest. On another note....I saw what 'staying together for the kids' can really do when a marriage is riddled with infidelity. And reading it over and over on these threads makes me scratch my head.

 

story goes like this: H had a hand full of long term affairs. Wife knew, she argues and pleded for him to stop. Kids(ages 5 &7, girls) hear things and since tention between parents. Children are not dumb even when you try to hid fighting they know. Wife does what she thinks is best and fights to keep family together.

 

Fastfoward 10ys and husband has a new OW. wife's finally tired and wants a sepration. Repercussion of the girls...they do not trust men. They have a difficult time making decisions. They are very close as sisters but have hard time developing relationships with others and identified with low selfesteem. The mother has tremendous guilt for making her children live through it and is in counceling for that among other things.

[silktricks]

Forget bfs/gfs, or a wife/husband who has a one-night stand in a moment of drunken stupidity. I am talking about someone you are married to and live with for X number of years, and then you find out that for 1-2 years plus they have been having an affair behind your back. And assume you didn't mistreat them, that you generally fulfilled the expectations of husband or wife.

 

In all honesty, what do you think you would do? For those who suffered it, what *did* you actually do, and how did it differ from what you thought you would do? Would you take revenge, or just move on and put it behind you? Would you try to make things work, even? Would you physically harm, or attempt to ruin one or both of them, or would you try to forgive?

 

What I did was forgive. It wasn't easy, nor was it immediate, but it has happened. What I thought I would do was leave. In fact, when I thought he was having the affair (as he was) I thought I would leave if that was indeed what was going on. Real life turned out different.

 

It never crossed my mind to physically harm my husband, though I did slap him with all my strength. Ruining the woman was a real possibility, and was within my power. But moving on has been my best option. It's worked for me, mostly due to the fact that my husband has been so completely sorrowful over his actions. Had he not been both contrite and sorrowful, we would no longer be together.

[Guest]

I totally understand your suffering. My wife of 20 years had a passionate affair with another womans husband for 2 1/2 years. In that time she betrayed every part of her relationship with me. She took him to where we were married, had sex with him in our bed, went on family outings with his and our kids - you name it, she did it.

 

When I finally uncovered what had been going on, the process of discovery was even more traumatic. The blatant lies, the insults and the utter denial that she had been doing anything wrong just made the whole thing even worse. To hear your own wife tell you that she loves another man, and that the kids will get used to divorced parents, is about as low as you can feel.

 

It is now a year later, and I would be lying if I told you that things are back to normal. My wife is the perfect spouse these days, considerate, affectionate and understanding. I do my best to reciprocate, despite the occasional "black" moods. But the reality is that I now know my wife is capable of behaviour that is so cruel, so callous and so deceiptful that I can never see her in the same light again. That is a legacy of this ghastly episode that I hope will fade with time, but for the time being I will always have one eye on the exit. I will always be ready for the type of phone call that I had to make to his wife.

 

So my advice? Initially, do your best to end the affair, and show it for the dishonest and immature thing that it is. Enlist any and all allies that you can - friends, family, work colleagues, whoever. Once the affair is exposed to the harsh light of day, and the judgment of others, the lies will be pointless and the affair will wither very quickly.

 

Then do nothing. Just wait, while the self righteous indignation of the adulterers causes them to thrash around in ever decreasing circles as they try and justify their behaviour. When you feel that the expressions of remorse are sincere, then is the time to start asking the serious questions - do we have a future, how do you REALLY feel about me, what can WE do to make sure this doesn't happen again, etc etc.

 

It is a long and painful road, and the ending is always doubtful. But if you are like me, you will want to know that you tried your very, very best before calling it a day. Good luck.

[Guest]

I lived that. My husband spoiled me and showered me with attention. We had two small sons at the time that I discovered through cell phone records that he had been calling the same woman 2-3 x per day every day weekends, holidays, evenings. The catch was it was her work number and she was married. This went on according to records for only 10 months. He denied any affair. Said they were just friends. My counter was it was odd he would call a business friend (female) that much at odd times when he knew she could only retrieve his messages. Why the secrecy? I am certainly not jealous, nor had I shown any. I was a busy mid-level executive, she was an administrator.

 

We were in the same large company. She saw the car I drove the cloths I wore and she wanted that life. What she didn't know is that I earned more than my husband. I pulled my weight. I was going to leave my husband. He cried, he begged, he cut all ties....he never admitted the affair which was pretty obvious. I decided to give him another chance. He followed through with his commitment. It took another 11 years with another woman and incident. 11 great years. I walked. I am happily engaged to an incredible man. I don't regret giving that chance. I know I would regret it if I didn't way back then.

 

Being vengeful, bitter or mean will hurt you. My favorite saying is "success is her sweetest revenge". Be kind, be positive, you will live a good life. I'm not saying it is easy when you are in the thick of it - but what comes around, will go around. Wishing you the best.

 

 

Forget bfs/gfs, or a wife/husband who has a one-night stand in a moment of drunken stupidity. I am talking about someone you are married to and live with for X number of years, and then you find out that for 1-2 years plus they have been having an affair behind your back. And assume you didn't mistreat them, that you generally fulfilled the expectations of husband or wife.

 

In all honesty, what do you think you would do? For those who suffered it, what *did* you actually do, and how did it differ from what you thought you would do? Would you take revenge, or just move on and put it behind you? Would you try to make things work, even? Would you physically harm, or attempt to ruin one or both of them, or would you try to forgive?