What would you do if your spouse had an affair?

[mental_traveller]

Forget bfs/gfs, or a wife/husband who has a one-night stand in a moment of drunken stupidity. I am talking about someone you are married to and live with for X number of years, and then you find out that for 1-2 years plus they have been having an affair behind your back. And assume you didn't mistreat them, that you generally fulfilled the expectations of husband or wife.

 

In all honesty, what do you think you would do? For those who suffered it, what *did* you actually do, and how did it differ from what you thought you would do? Would you take revenge, or just move on and put it behind you? Would you try to make things work, even? Would you physically harm, or attempt to ruin one or both of them, or would you try to forgive?

[rossi]

If it is the first time, i would try to work thing out. If it is more than one I would leave him and divorce.

[Guest]

Ohh, what a tough topic . I have been there, and am still going through it. What do you do if you have 3 small children, worked part time jobs for 5 years so he could finish schooling? He now makes 3 times what I do. I was told by his former best friend. When confronted, he confirmed it. The first affair lasted about a month, and was with a woman almost 20 years his senior. The second affair lasted about 1 1/2 months, and he actually brought her to our home and slept with her in our bed.

 

What did I do? Well, first, I was fighting mad. Then I said, well, what can I do? I have 3 kids, only part time employment for the last 5 years, a car payment, parents both deceased, so no help. I have tried and tried and tried to forget and just keep this marriage going. Is not working. We have no relationship, sleep in separate bedrooms, and share no time together. I am scared to be alone, scared that no one will accept a woman with 3 children, scared that my children will lose their cozy lifestyle. What do I do? I have no idea .

[PoshPrincess]

If it is the first time, i would try to work thing out. If it is more than one I would leave him and divorce.

 

That would've been my reply too but reading Guest's post made me realise it isn't always that simple. What do you do in that situation?

 

I don't even know if I could forgive someone if they did it once. Well, maybe not that I couldn't forgive but that I would find it very hard to trust again. I guess MC would be a good start - to see WHY it happened. I think some people just bury their heads in the sand and try and convince themselves that everything's ok within their M when it isn't and cannot see why their spouse has an affair (no excuse I know, bt it happens). I think it's harder (maybe from a woman's point of view than a man's) if it's an EA as well as just a PA. What do others think on that score?

[PandorasBox]

Well since I have been through this, this is what I did. I divorced him. Now please understand that prior to this affair he had, our marraige had been suffering for awhile. I pulled out all the stops in trying to repair, or fix what was broken. I tried to get him to go to marraige counseling, he wouldn't go. I went for myself. There were alot of issues in the marraige taking place before the affair ever happened. And yes, some of th issues were probably what led him to one.

 

I wanted so bad to fix the whole thing. He did not. he didn't try to meet me half way, he didn't try to help himself or the marraige. So after dealing with what I felt was a never ending battle, after I found out about the affair, that was just simply the last straw for me. I felt I had nothing left to give to the marraige as trying to repair it. I had tried before and it no avail it wasn't working. You can't be or have a marraige by youself. Or at least I couldn't. Had he been willing to try to help fix things, at least I would have known he wanted things to work, but he didn't. Maybe he felt the affair was his way out, I really don't know. Hindsight is 20/20, and now that I look back on things, even had he not had an affair, I'm not so sure the marraige would have worked out anyway because of the fact there were so many issues that HE was not willing to work on.

[stoopid_guy]

It would depend on the circumstances. If the WS was near perfect in other regards, I'm not even sure I'd mention it. If we were already on shaky ground, that would end it.

[bab]

First off, no one can really know unless they go through it, so regardless of what I'm about to say, I really can't possibly know.

 

I wouldn't leave. If it was really that long of an affair, it probably would've been easier for him to have left me. This means there is a reason he hasn't. There is something left to be salvaged. In addition, while I did marry my husband to be my sexual partner, he is also my partner in many many many other ways. Because one of those partnerships has been compromised, I don't think that would be enough of a reason to throw away all the other partnerships.

 

But, like stoopid_guy said, if the other partnerships where already gone, then it could quite possibly be the straw that broke the camel's back.

[amaysngrace]

I am talking about someone you are married to and live with for X number of years, and then you find out that for 1-2 years plus they have been having an affair behind your back.

 

In all honesty, what do you think you would do?

 

Not quite sure but Lorena Bobbit comes to mind...

[PoshPrincess]

Well since I have been through this, this is what I did. I divorced him. Now please understand that prior to this affair he had, our marraige had been suffering for awhile. I pulled out all the stops in trying to repair, or fix what was broken. I tried to get him to go to marraige counseling, he wouldn't go. I went for myself. There were alot of issues in the marraige taking place before the affair ever happened. And yes, some of th issues were probably what led him to one.

 

I wanted so bad to fix the whole thing. He did not. he didn't try to meet me half way, he didn't try to help himself or the marraige. So after dealing with what I felt was a never ending battle, after I found out about the affair, that was just simply the last straw for me. I felt I had nothing left to give to the marraige as trying to repair it. I had tried before and it no avail it wasn't working. You can't be or have a marraige by youself. Or at least I couldn't. Had he been willing to try to help fix things, at least I would have known he wanted things to work, but he didn't. Maybe he felt the affair was his way out, I really don't know. Hindsight is 20/20, and now that I look back on things, even had he not had an affair, I'm not so sure the marraige would have worked out anyway because of the fact there were so many issues that HE was not willing to work on.

 

This makes a lot of sense. It takes two to make a relationship work and if one or the other isn't willing to try then it's over. It sounds like you have been through a hell of a lot, Pandora, and it must've been very hard to take knowing that your H was not willing to try to make things better.

 

Affairs do seem to be a symton of a bad M sometimes but from what I've read on here and have heard from other people, when an BS finds out what's going on, it often makes the WS realise what they already have and they try harder to make thinks work.

[Mz. Pixie]

Ohh, what a tough topic . I have been there, and am still going through it. What do you do if you have 3 small children, worked part time jobs for 5 years so he could finish schooling? He now makes 3 times what I do. I was told by his former best friend. When confronted, he confirmed it. The first affair lasted about a month, and was with a woman almost 20 years his senior. The second affair lasted about 1 1/2 months, and he actually brought her to our home and slept with her in our bed.

 

What did I do? Well, first, I was fighting mad. Then I said, well, what can I do? I have 3 kids, only part time employment for the last 5 years, a car payment, parents both deceased, so no help. I have tried and tried and tried to forget and just keep this marriage going. Is not working. We have no relationship, sleep in separate bedrooms, and share no time together. I am scared to be alone, scared that no one will accept a woman with 3 children, scared that my children will lose their cozy lifestyle. What do I do? I have no idea .

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation poster, I truly am.

 

This is exactly why a woman needs to be able to make enough money to support herself. And every person should be encouraging their daughters not to ever have to depend solely on another person.

 

Staying with a man who is clearly emotionally abusing you by doing this just so your kids can keep their cozy lifestyle will most certainly eat you up. Or your self respect.

 

If he's making that much more money perhaps he might think about entertaining paying alimony and child support out of that money?? If you've only worked part time and you guys have been married for a long time then you possibly have a case for alimony. Plus, you have the added bonus that you put him through school.

 

You guys should be in counseling.

[jmargel]

Try this one on for size.. My aunt who was married over 30 years lost her husband to a heart attack 2 years ago. They had a daughter together and she thought they had the perfect marriage. In fact 6 months prior to his attack they went to Ireland on a trip together. They were best friends, the perfect couple..

 

When he died her world was full of void. She lost her best friend, her husband, someone she loved for over 30 years. Two weeks after he passed away she found a small safe, one that she never saw before. She didn't have the key but was finally able to get the safe open by a locksmith. What was inside crushed her. It was pictures of him & another woman. They lived in NJ and for years he would go see his brother in NYC. Needless to say it wasn't his brother he was seeing. Now she has no answer, she couldn't ask him because he's gone, and she has no clue who this other woman is. Among the pictures was divorce papers signed by him. However he never sent it to the courthouse for processing. Apparently he was either thinking about it or used it to show the OW to make her think he was going to be with her for good.

 

Now 30 years of her life is gone. All that she knew of him is a lie. She has no answers and will probably never get any. Imagine all of your memories with someone that you loved for all these years are now tainted and love that you thought you were receiving from someone wasn't true.

 

As for me, I don't know what I would do.. I guess I would have to be in the situation for me to actually know. All I know is that when my ex-fiancee cheated on me, though I still loved her I knew it would never work out in the end especially since it was a friend of mine that she cheated with.

[Mirage222]

Great topic. To say this some would not believe me but I would leave on first find, catch or whatever the case may be.

 

Bottom line is I do not want to, or could imagine my self being with someone who chose to be with someone else. For whatever reason one may have to cheat on their s/o - I think there is NO excuse for it. If you don't want to be with me then up and leave, don't go out and disrespect not only yourself but me as well.

 

My opinion on cheaters men and women alike is there they have a deep insecurity within their selves and they feed off someone else to "cure" if you want, that void in their lives. Makes me sick and I would not stand for it.

[Romeo Must Die]

When my hubby and I seperated for awhile, I bought a new car. Oh boy was he ticked off. Its the next best thing to having a revenge affair. Take a polaroid picture when your stbx realizes he/she no longer controls you, cant tell you what to do anymore and they're gonna lose your ass forever.

 

[Freedom Now]

When my hubby and I seperated for awhile, I bought a new car. Oh boy was he ticked off. Its the next best thing to having a revenge affair. Take a polaroid picture when your stbx realizes he/she no longer controls you, cant tell you what to do anymore and they're gonna lose your ass forever.

 

 

I love it.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I'd kick her out and change the locks. All her stuff would in a buring heap in the drive way.

 

jmargil, man that's cruel what your aunt's H did. It's little solice for your aunt but she's a better person than he was.

 

guest - get a divorce lawyer - the best in town. Get child support and kick him out. The courts will generally award you the home.

[Curmudgeon]

Divorce her!

[mental_traveller]

So Amaysngrace is the only one who would be out for revenge? You're a level-headed bunch! I guess it's impossible to tell what you'd do until it happens, but I suspect I'd want to extract non-violent revenge if at all possible (without going to jail!). A one-night stand I could brush off and just quit the relationship, but a lengthy deception would make me just want to really mess up that person's life as payback.

[JamesM]

First off, no one can really know unless they go through it, so regardless of what I'm about to say, I really can't possibly know.

 

I wouldn't leave. If it was really that long of an affair, it probably would've been easier for him to have left me. This means there is a reason he hasn't. There is something left to be salvaged. In addition, while I did marry my husband to be my sexual partner, he is also my partner in many many many other ways. Because one of those partnerships has been compromised, I don't think that would be enough of a reason to throw away all the other partnerships.

 

But, like stoopid_guy said, if the other partnerships were already gone, then it could quite possibly be the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Ditto, bab. Best reply to this question. I would say now that I would not leave because there are children. However, the biggest temptation for me would be to seek out an affair of revenge...again I say this now...then would probably be different.

 

Since we have had sexual droughts and if I found out that this was when there was an affair, that would probbaly make those times ever so much harder to handle.

 

But truthfully, for the children's sake, I would do everything in my power....as the man, FIC...to rebuild and start over. Not meaning to reply for her, but I do believe her response would be similar....and yes, I am pretty certain she would seek out an affair to hurt me.

[elijahBailey]

I would say now that I would not leave because there are children. However, the biggest temptation for me would be to seek out an affair of revenge.

 

Same here. If I were in that situation, I would still be hard pressed to leave because of the kids too. For me, the happiness of the kids come first. But I would do a revenge f*ck just to even things out. I know I could do a one-nighter. But I've never succumbed. But if my SO cheated, I would have a reason to go ahead with one. I don't see the point in suffering for your SO's stupidity. A deal is only good if both parties stick to the original terms and conditions.

 

If she wants to start all over again after that, I would probably be cool with it.

[SoleMate]

A deal is only good if both parties stick to the original terms and conditions.

This sums up my feelings quite precisely. A marriage has many terms and conditions; sexual faithfulness is an important one, part of a long list. So many marriages have one or more partners trying to change the deal unilaterally. If you don't love, honor and cherish, I wouldn't advise assuming that your spouse will overlook your default indefinitely.

 

Also, what the most important parts are of the "marriage deal" is defined by BOTH parties, not just one. No fair excusing your own shortcomings by saying they don't really weigh as heavy, while your partner's misdeeds are taken as capital offenses.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

But truthfully, for the children's sake, I would do everything in my power....as the man, FIC...to rebuild and start over...

For the children's sake? How is staying in an unhappy marriage with parents that are at best "troubled in their relationship" even healthy for children? What lesson does it teach kids? If the H cheats the daughters are probably going to tend to at least be suspicious of all men. If the wife cheats, the daughters are likely to think, well mom did it, I can too. How in the world is that helpful?

 

No, folks, splitting up is often the best thing for the children. So being the man often means doing what you think will be harder but in the long term better for the children - not subjecting them to two waring grown ups with at least one acting like a selfish child.

 

the biggest temptation for me would be to seek out an affair of revenge.

Why would it be even unreasonable to have a revenge affair? Why would a wife get to have an affair and her H be not allowed to? (or vice versa). Why the double standard? If a wife expects forgiveness her husband deserve forgiveness no less than she, doesn't he? She should be willing to stay after the revenge affair for the sake of the children shouldn't she? Or are women just more equal than men? (and yes, I think if the man has the affair his wife is entitled to her own affair to "even things out". )

[JamesM]

For the children's sake? How is staying in an unhappy marriage with parents that are at best "troubled in their relationship" even healthy for children?

 

The assumption I made...which is not unreasonable..is that the BS is willing to rebuild the marriage. There have been many marriages that have become just as strong or even stronger after an affair. If the two are "troubled in their relationship" and it cannot be rebuilt, then that becomes a different story. But it would be important that the children see that the commitment is strong.

 

What lesson does it teach kids? If the H cheats the daughters are probably going to tend to at least be suspicious of all men. If the wife cheats, the daughters are likely to think, well mom did it, I can too. How in the world is that helpful?

 

I do not think that there are statistics that support this theory. The lesson that it teaches is that mom and dad are committed to their marriage...even after one of them screwed up. Here you are making the assumption that the children know of the afair. Younger children may never know. I don't think that a divorce will send the message that affairs are any less okay than continuing the marriage. If the man cheats and the children know, then he must acknolwedge to them his in as well. This goes for the wife, too.

 

Daughters will be just as suspicious of men either way. When a man cheats on his wife, it does have greater ramifications than just an affair. The father/husband who cheated must also repair his relationship with his children and admit his wrongdoing if these children are aware of it. (If however, the husband is abusive to the wife, then again we have a different situation. This means that he is not willing to work on his relationship, and the message to the children should be that this is not good for the family).

 

No, folks, splitting up is often the best thing for the children. So being the man often means doing what you think will be harder but in the long term better for the children - not subjecting them to two waring grown ups with at least one acting like a selfish child.

 

Wrong. Splitting up MAY be the best option sometimes...true. But this does NOT mean that it is the only option available, and in many cases it is not the best option. And we actually agree....being a man does mean doing the best thing for the children. Seeing your parents recommitted to each other sends an incredibly loud message. "Mom and dad love each other and us. Mom or dad broke that commitment but forgave each other. They now see the importance of marriage and our family." Leaving the situation in many ways can be the easiest way out and best in the shortterm but not the longterm. Fixing the situation may be harder but best in the longterm. If the two parents are warring against each other, then true...this may not be good. But in my scenario, recommitment is when both partners are becoming husband and wife, lovers and friends...all over again. This is not the same as living together for the children without addressing the problems that caused the affair or the issue of the affair itself.

 

Why would it be even unreasonable to have a revenge affair? Why would a wife get to have an affair and her H be not allowed to? (or vice versa). Why the double standard?

 

Because it would be selfish, immature and not good for the children. Not that I wouldn't consider it...but it would not be good for the recommitment to the marriage. And it definitely would send the wrong message to the children.

 

So, as I sit here, I believe I would do everything in my power to rebuild the marriage. This does not mean there would be no pain, nor that it would be easy. But it does mean that children need a family structure. And this I also know....my children would want mother and father to love each other all over again.

[Flyin in Clouds]

.... There have been many marriages that have become just as strong or even stronger after an affair.

 

If that is true then perhaps the way to make all marriages stronger and thus lower the divorce rate is to encourage more cheating...

If the two are "troubled in their relationship" and it cannot be rebuilt,

I can't imagine how the relationship ever fully recovers. The scar tissue remains.

 

I do not think that there are statistics that support this theory. The lesson that it teaches is that mom and dad are committed to their marriage...even after one of them screwed up.

And so those kids would expect their future partners to be as understanding as their betrayed parent should those kids become wayward spouses... rather than teaching them that they better not cheat because their spouse would leave their sorry ass.

 

Here you are making the assumption that the children know of the afair.

Pretty hard to hide that something isn't wrong. Kids are not nearly as stupid as parents think they are.

 

... Seeing your parents recommitted to each other sends an incredibly loud message. "Mom and dad love each other and us. Mom or dad broke that commitment but forgave each other. They now see the importance of marriage and our family."

Naw, it sends the message that the BS is a fool and so weak, so dependant they will put up with any kind of abuse. It doesn't say the BS loves the WS and vice versa. It says they were too weak to stand on their own. And if marriage and family was so important why did it take somehting as wrong as an affair to make those morons realize it?

 

But in my scenario, recommitment is when both partners are becoming husband and wife, lovers and friends...all over again.

Really, how on earth do you really restore trust and love once it's been broken, smashed, destroyed and betrayed?

This is not the same as living together for the children without addressing the problems that caused the affair or the issue of the affair itself.

Oh, and so once again we have the notion that the BS some how caused the affair. The problem of the affair is that the WS just doesn't have any moral character.

 

 

 

Because it would be selfish, immature and not good for the children.

Well the original affair was selfish, immature and not good for the children. And so it's also a good idea to NOT tell the children and let them live with this false notiont that their mother or father is this decent upstanding person, instead of a cheater. I guess we tell kids all kinds of lies, like Santa Clause is real...

 

 

Not that I wouldn't consider it...but it would not be good for the recommitment to the marriage. And it definitely would send the wrong message to the children.

Really? You mean sending the message that one spouse can get away with an affair but the other can't is a good message? That marriage is some unequal bargain and if they ever get married they just have to be good no matter how lousy their spouse is? As I said, kids aren't that dumb.

 

So, as I sit here, I believe I would do everything in my power to rebuild the marriage. This does not mean there would be no pain, nor that it would be easy. But it does mean that children need a family structure. And this I also know....my children would want mother and father to love each other all over again.

What children want is for a mother and father that were decent enough and respectful enough of each other to think of the kids before they had an affair, not after.

 

So how can you love someone "all over again" when they betray you? When your wife lets some other guy stick his ... in her how you going to love her all over again? I suppose there are some men that can do that, but I sure don't understand it.

[Guest]

As bad as something gets in relationship, and no matter how horrible the breakup is if there are children involved you NEVER, EVER do anything that would harm threir life. They have already been through enuff and they are the innocent ones.

 

When I go thru these posts you never hear people talk about the effect it has on children because people in affairs are too wrapped up in their own world. I was in a relationship for 4 years with a woman in really never knew. She secretly set me up with fake profiles on dating sites in the beginning, she saw other people when we first dated. she lied about her past, and withheld information, she had 2 affairs during our relationship, she lied about the reasons for taking a 'break' and went on vacation with her lover and came back and ended our relationship over the phone.

 

During that time I was no saint either, I fooled around in char rooms, never once having it be more than just a deversion / fantasy play game - it was in no way possible that i would replace my real world with a fantasy one. I was depressed got addicted to drugs, was emotionallt abusive as a result.

 

How did we end things? I moved on, did the work to get better. She and others hacked into my computer and stole information and did so with others I know and set up tons of fake web sites to slander me. As a result I had to get some fraud officials involved.

 

Nice ending eh?

[JamesM]

I suppose there are some men that can do that, but I sure don't understand it.

 

And that is why you cannot see how a marriage can be rebuilt. Check out the infidelity and OW/OM Boards. I do believe you will see examples of those who are rebuilding or have rebuilt their marriages after an affair.

 

If that is true then perhaps the way to make all marriages stronger and thus lower the divorce rate is to encourage more cheating...

 

C 'mon, dude. Even I can see from your posts that you are incredibly so much smarter than to use that kind of faulty logic. This does not mean that strong marriages need affairs. No, it does say that some (not all or even most) weak marriages found their weaknesses, fixed them and became stronger because of the affair. Truth is as we know...the couple should have been smart enough to fix the marriage before the affair.

 

I can't imagine how the relationship ever fully recovers. The scar tissue remains.

 

Imagine it. It happens.

 

And so those kids would expect their future partners to be as understanding as their betrayed parent should those kids become wayward spouses... rather than teaching them that they better not cheat because their spouse would leave their sorry ass.

 

Wow, what world do yo live in? And don't say the real one, cuz that isn't real. To forgive someone doesn't mean you believe what they did was okay. Nor does it mean that everyone will be forgiving. Based on that logic, NO ONE should ever forgive an affair or any sin /perfection of another human being.

 

Naw, it sends the message that the BS is a fool and so weak, so dependant they will put up with any kind of abuse.

 

Wrong. It says that the BS can be forgiving provided the WS asks for forgiveness.

 

It doesn't say the BS loves the WS and vice versa. It says they were too weak to stand on their own.

 

Wrong again. Case histories say differently. It does say that they are both willing to try again because there still is a love connection. Sometimes being weak is taking the easiest route and running, and being strong is staying and fixing the problem.

 

And if marriage and family was so important why did it take somehting as wrong as an affair to make those morons realize it?

 

 

Excellent question. Unfortunately, WS realize this too late. And troubled marriages sometimes survive due to this kind of wakeup call...no that doesn't mean that all troubled marriages would be better off if one of the partners had an affair!

 

Really, how on earth do you really restore trust and love once it's been broken, smashed, destroyed and betrayed?

 

To answer that in a sentence or two is hard. There are full books on that subject. But it boils down to starting from the ground up and building the trust one step at a time. It means that the WS needs to be open and honest. It means that the WS needs to notify his spouse of every moment of his day. Read the advice given to those who have cheated on the infidelity Board. Many good answers are there.

 

Oh, and so once again we have the notion that the BS some how caused the affair. The problem of the affair is that the WS just doesn't have any moral character.

 

It is not as simple as that. Agreed...the WS sinned. But in some cases...how many I do not know...WS "fall" into affairs...by choice..out of desperation. Instead of becoming suicidal when there marriage lacks sex for instance, they choose an affair. Instead of talking with their wives/husbands openly about the problems, they communicate them to a "friend" who becomes more than that. If the BS said no more sex and the WS had an affair, BOTH are at fault.

 

Well the original affair was selfish, immature and not good for the children.

 

Agree...your point? Does that mean another selfish immature act will make things right?

 

And so it's also a good idea to NOT tell the children and let them live with this false notiont that their mother or father is this decent upstanding person, instead of a cheater.

 

Some people do this. I do not agree it is the wisest in many situations.

 

What children want is for a mother and father that were decent enough and respectful enough of each other to think of the kids before they had an affair, not after.

 

Again, agreed. Many of us want to live forever, and for the world to be perfect.

 

So how can you love someone "all over again" when they betray you? When your wife lets some other guy stick his ... in her how you going to love her all over again?

 

Not having been there, I am not sure more than what I write. I think that if I were in this situation, I would want to have someone who has been there let me know how they did it.

 

When your wife lets some other guy stick his ..

 

Was your wife a virgin when you married? Can you imagine....? People who marry twice deal with it. People who have more than one partner deal with it. And BS deal with it.

 

No matter how I would handle an affair, it would be incredibly hard. The pain would be immense. I hope and pray I don't have to deal with such a situation. And that is why I am glad that I have this Board as a way to vent and receive feedback. And yes, FIC, yours has been helpful, too.