mpd_26 Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Help! My husband got another girl pregnant before we met, and never bothered to tell me about it. The girl called him after she found out, but he ignored it, hoping it would just "go away." He didn't hear from her for over a year, but now she contacted him a few days ago, wanting child support. Of course, I didn't know any of this at all until now. If I knew he had a kid, I never would have dated him/married him. No offense to parents out there, but I choose not to have kids, or have men in my life with kids...Anyway, he's not 100% sure it's his, but he can't take a DNA test until April because he's over in Iraq. I feel so betrayed that he never told me. When we first met, I made it very clear that I don't date guys who have kids. He was not honest with me, and hid something huge from me! It makes me sick to think that this kid might be his...It makes me feel disgusted to know he reproduced with somebody else. What do I do??? I love him, but he broke my trust and my heart...I will always be bothered by the fact that he has a kid, even though he would sign over his parental rights. The thought will always be there, and I'll never look at him the same again...Help?!
Lor Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 No offense back to you but if it does turn out that he is the father of the child, please divorce him cuz no child should have a step-parent with your attitude towards family. You're feelings on the subject are your business and you have a right to them, so I don't mean any disrespect. As far as what you should do.....you could wait till the DNA results are back but you have some serious issues to be condemning him this way for something that was done before you got together and something he only found out about a few days ago. He probably waited to tell you cuz he knew what your reaction would be.
melodymatters Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Having been in two relationships where the men had illegitimate children from casual relationships. I really understand her/your feelings. In both cases, the woman REALLY wanted to co-parent, field trips, birthday parties, calls every night about a mosquito bite etc. because of those experiences, i too choose not to date men with young children, especially where manipulative moms are concerned. A long dead marriage with some teenagers, fine. So, If I was upfront about how I felt, and my husband LIED about something so HUGE, I would be devastated too !!! So I'm sorry, and I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you I understand and don't condemn you at all.
FlyingHigh Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 You certainly have a dilemma. Don't envy your position. Like Lor said, wait until a paternity test is done proving him to be the father. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't his intention to hurt you and the child may not be his. If he is the father, you'll have to decide if you love your husband enough to be with him and become a co-parent despite how you feel about children. If you decide to stay, you will have to come to terms with becoming the child's step-parent. Every child, biological or not need the same kind of love, nurturing and guidance. If you biologically and mentally disdain the thought of having children, especially in your situation, then, you always have the option to leave. But at least wait when your husband comes from his tour of duty in Iraq. Give him the love and support he needs while he's fighting. It will help keep himself alive so he can come home safely. Good luck.
kandi r Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I know you must be hurting right now and a little confused as to why he did not tell you. I know guys may pretend they do not know anything, but they do. I know when he first met you and you laid out the rules as far as what you wanted and did not want he knew. There was a possibility that he may have gotten a girl pregnant. I know you may love him and he may love you, but honestly a lie like that is dangerous for all times. You still have time to get out and move on. Unless you want to take on this role as a parent. It may be his and may not. The fact is he did not inform you of the POSSIBILITY he could be a father. He might have been hoping this female would disappear. Mabey they had a bad break up. Who knows only he does. Seems like you need to start having a back up plan. Good luck.
Author mpd_26 Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 If the child is his, he said he would sign over the parental rights. I wouldn't have to be a step-mother or anything to it. The woman was a fling. They dated maybe 2 weeks, and he slept with her only once, but once is enough to make a kid! Anyway, the woman has 4 other kids (different dads), so I'm praying it's not his, but for now, (just to be safe) I'm planning on that it is... She's seeing another guy right now, and they might be getting married in 2008, so he'd adopt the child, and he wouldn't have to pay child support. I just don't get why he thought he could just "forget" about the problem...It just makes me so mad that he didn't tell me about it. That's the huge factor here. I feel he lied to me, and betrayed me...I'm not sure if we can fix our marriage or not...Especially with him over there. All we've been doing is fighting...I feel we should have a separation, but I don't want to leave him if he thinks it's either all or nothing. I cna't give that to him right now.
mental_traveller Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Doesn't matter if it's his kid or not. The salient fact is that he lied and hid this big issue from you, and got married to you even thought he knew your stance on kids. That's just a huge deception, borderline criminal to trick you into a marriage on false pretences like that. In your shoes I'd be speaking to an attorney and asking if I had grounds to sue, and would go for a divorce as soon as he gets back.
Author mpd_26 Posted October 29, 2006 Author Posted October 29, 2006 I don't think I would go as far as to sue him over this...I get his paychecks, anyway. He has no other money...He always has been very good to me, and has always been there for me 110%, even if he didn't agree with what I was doing. I just don't get how he could ignore the fact that he could have gotten another girl pregnant, and not worry about it...I'd be freaking out if I was in his shoes after the girl told me that...and I'd want a test right away after the baby was born. To all you guys out there, is this common?? Is it just a guy thing??
lasan Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 If the child is his, he said he would sign over the parental rights. I wouldn't have to be a step-mother or anything to it. The woman was a fling. They dated maybe 2 weeks, and he slept with her only once, but once is enough to make a kid! Anyway, the woman has 4 other kids (different dads), so I'm praying it's not his, but for now, (just to be safe) I'm planning on that it is... She's seeing another guy right now, and they might be getting married in 2008, so he'd adopt the child, and he wouldn't have to pay child support. I had to comment on this. I am not sure about your state, but my state does not allow a parent to just sign off their rights. Even sometimes if they do, it still doesn't absolve them of the child support obligation. The state is a bit happier to do it if there is an adopting parent. However the criteria here is the best interest of the child....Not the best interest of the guy who happened to get some chick pregnant. Is this woman on public aid? If she is you won't have to wait long because they will force the issue of paternity so they can start garnishing his check.
D-Lish Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Guess you have to decide how much you really love this person. I've known many guys that have been accused of being a father and then have it turn out they weren't after paternity tests were administered. I think if you truly love someone you stick by them. It's not like he cheated on you. He wasn't forthcoming- true. That sucks. Do you love this man? If you do, it is something that can be worked out. If this is something you truly can't forgive~ then walk away. If the marriage isn't great to begin with, then it may not be worth sticking around. If you hate the idea of children that much, and it turns out he is the father.... It's in no one's best interest for you to stick around. If I were you I'd figure out if you love him enough to forgive him. Then you'll have your answer.
Recommended Posts