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Posted

[sIZE=2]Hello everyone I am new... I am sure you all hear the same stories all the time so I hope that maybe some of you can help shed a light on me.

I however plan to maybe see a marriage counselor asap for my own well being.

 

First of all I was married for 13 years never cheated . Well , he left me for another woman. We later separated & divorced. I went thru major Hell. But managed to get myself back together. I kept the baby which was 5 years old at the time. He kept the 2 oldest becuz they didn't want to change schools.

 

I later then met my "Knight & Shinning Armour" who basically got me & my baby an apartment and helped me pay the bills & etc. We fell in love and 6 months later were married.

We have been happy now so I thought for almost 9 years. I have never cheated on him or even thought about another man in that way.

We have been trying to have a baby together(as he has none) & have been for the past 9 years.

I underwent several surgeries to try to give him that baby he never had.

Ended up, 4 to 5 miscarriages & now we both are seeing a Fertility Specialist.

 

Well for the past couple of years & it seems to be getting worse...we seem so distant to each other.

I do take my part of the blame, but he seems like he is not interested in me anymore in anyway.I knw we been married for almost 9 years but to me it seems strange when a couple Even being together as long as we have been does not have an intimate relationship anymore or maybe makes love (1time) every three months.! Something does not add up here.

When we go off somewhere he will still say You look nice honey.. things like that but actions speak louder than words I say.

 

[sIZE=2]He will call me all during the day (I work at home) to say hey or just to see wht I am doing. Sometimes I think he is only calling me to see where I am making sure I am home so I won't be riding anywhere close to where he is he at. --- ok... I knw-- yeah in the back of my mind I do sometimes think even a good man wanders sometimes. I don't think he has cheated.. but I'm just not sure. There was an occasion once with his cell that I never understood but I chose to believe him and that was the end of that.

 

He is a good man, ( he has 2 jobs at the time) becuz we are in financial needs right now. I did ask him to get a 2nd job so we could pay these bills here.

I have quite few health problems so I am not really able to get out and work. He knws this and never asked me to go to work but I do run a daycare in my home and I have my Poodle breeding business to try to help out as much as I can.

 

I guess wht I am saying is it's not the things that he done,, but the things he hasn't done.

TV is his #1 priority and maybe I shouldn't complain about it but I have a brand new 3 year old home that in my oldest daughter's bedroom the ceiling is falling in from not getting fixed from the shingles leaking.

I will beg him and have even sit & cried for him to do things here in the home that need to be fixed and I just can't get him to get them done. I mean he will eventually (maybe?) but I don't knw when.

I can't afford to hire someone right now to do them & he knows that.

I'm just frustrated & tired of him making me promises that he never intends to keep.

 

He is however a good man. I know I keep saying that but he he let my older daughter come here to live 3 years ago & he is actually living with & taking care of another man's kids. Not many men would do this!

 

 

but yet again--- a flaw here okay.. he is very childish in ways I can't even describe. He will go to great links to pick an argument with my youngest that is now age 15. They have never gotten along and I was always pulled in the middle of the two of them. 99% I did most always take up for my child. Wht mother wouldn't?

I always brushed it of being reasoned he never had kids so he didn't knw how to raise children.

For an example: My teen daughter said to me at the dinner table just 2 nights ago. "Mom I have to have $85 for my yearbook" and before I could answer he speaks up and says "well , I don't knw where you will get the money from becuz I have to have a new pair of work shoes" then that started a battle becuz my teen thought she wasn't going to be able to get her yearbook. Then I was like I will go to your dad and ask for help for that book. My husband then says "well you need that for memories so we'll get it somehow"

Why does he like to bring on arguments like these?I can't figure it out.

 

[sIZE=2]I am in poodle breeding I have my own business and at the moment I have 5 poodles in my new house becuz he rather sleep on sunday mornings and afternoons rather than to go ahead fix the doghouse in my kennel get the dogs out there & be done with it. He says when I bitch about it, it makes him not want to get it done more so.

The problem is. This new house is 3 years old and we already replaced new carpet in the bathroom and now we got to do the hallway becuz of puppies chewing up carpet.

 

We both have tempers & when I say tempers.. I mean I will get mad and just leave the house till I cool down, with him.... a different story.

Though I will say he has NEVER hit me. He will sometimes walk away or leave also till we both just calm down. Though sometimes it does get a little out of hand for stupid situations on his part.

For Instance Sunday- we got into it over a money situation & we were on the way to a birthday party &one sentence lead to another & he got so angry he opened the car door as I was running 60-65 MPH & acted like he was goinga jump out! My daughter & one of her friends in the back seat witnessing this & they both got upset crying .. I 'm just tired of him always doing things like this to get attention or make someone feel sorry for him.

 

We each take 1/2 the bills & are responsible to make sure they get paid, Well lets just say my house payment has not been paid in the last 3 months. BUT he does go and make a car payment (the one I drive) every week. So see not alot makes since here to me. I'm very confused. We are on the verge of losing our home but he neglects to see and realize we have to pay for this house.

I have no idea where the money goes.. becuz he has acess to that. I do have a bank card but I just use it when in need of groceries, bills,etc. I feel I have NO security with him at all.

 

We haven't slept together in the same bed for days & it doesn't seem to bother him at all & on the inside it seems to be tearing me appart. We tried to talk tonight, but we really didn't get anywhere with the conversation. when I told him I did think he was having an affair,of course he swore to GOD that he wasn't then he actually told me out of the blue that when I smoke a cigg right before we are about to make love-- that it turns him off!! WTH? I didn't understand this but after them words, I never heard another word & I walked out of the room and he went to his chair & tv and fell sleep like his normally routine.

 

I know he is tired becuz of working 2 jobs but some days he only works one job and still don't want anything to do with me. Sometimes in bed when he does get an erection by laying next to me , he does not pursue any activity.In the past year it most likely was me that persued it.

He uses the blood pressure med for excuse which this is the 2nd time hes on them. first time he quit taking them and still used as excuse.

He uses the excuse of me being on the computer at night instead of going to bed with him but he 99% falls asleep in the chair in front of the TV anyway so why is it so wrong to get on the computer? It's not like I am up here looking or talking to men. I'm just up here becuz there is nothing else to do.

 

I have no self esteem anymore at all & maybe we have nothing in common anymore, Maybe--- just maybe--- this is why I feel like this 9 year marriage is over.

 

IF__ you have made it reading this far, thank you.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Again, I am so sorry this is so long.:( :( :(

Posted

PL, first *HUGE HUGS*. Sounds like you are going through quite a lot right now.

 

There are so many little things I would love to comment on, but we'd be here forever :) Basically, I think your marriage is pretty typical given how long you guys have been together. Obviously, it's not in a great shape, but I do know a lot of couples can recover from where you are, so all is not lost. However, the communication in your relationship has diminished to the point that you dont hear one another and you are both at the point of keeping score who does what. And throughout all of that, you both have had a difficult time trying to concieve. No wonder you both are depressed and stressed.

 

For the moment, try not to worry if your husband is having an affair. If he is, he is, and realistically there's very little you can do about that right now. You both have bigger problems than that at the moment, so if you really want to fix this relationship, then work on those problems now, get yourself into a better position so that you do become the better option _if_ he's having an affair.

 

I think counselling is a must, atleast individual counselling if not marriage counselling. I would also recommend reading the website marriage builders, and a book called The 5 love languages. It will give you some tools to start prioritizing what is really important in life and give you some steps on opening up the communication again. You need to see someone _now_. You are reaching a critical point of no return and it's really important to try everything you possibly can before going through another divorce.

Posted
[sIZE=2]He is however a good man. I know I keep saying that but he he let my older daughter come here to live 3 years ago & he is actually living with & taking care of another man's kids. Not many men would do this!

 

Why shouldn't she come to live there? That is your daughter.

 

It blows my mind that women stay with a man just because he will take care of someone else's kids!

 

There are many many men out there that do just that. My husband does. When a guy marrys a woman with children that is part of the deal. And the older one gets the more likely it is that you will only meet people who are divorced and who have children as well.

 

You guys are having major communication issues and bickering over the slightest thing. You need marriage counseling.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for ur comments.

he actually came home tonight and cooked supper which surprised me!!

We were able to discuss some of the problems but had some friends show up so we weren't able to finish the discussion but we both have agreed to go see a marriage canselor asap.

 

ms Pixie,

thank you for ur comment, My husband would always tell people when I married her, I married her daughters too.

 

That statement is so true.

 

thank u both.

 

I will check in later and let u knw how it goes.

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