I kissed another man, should I tell?

[Guest]

I agree with this

 

there's a balance between honesty and deceit. if my wife or bf had kissed someone, i would want to know - because there was intent and we would talk about it. i would do the same. however, it sounds easy on paper - different in real life. what if there was something situational - a blend of attraction and regret - u might need time to think about it. one of my biggest flaws was immediate reaction. i would come running...honey...i'm really sorry, i didn't realize until i slipped her the tongue....and oppppsy...see, take some time. another thing we must always remember is that each person is responsible for their own behaviour - we are allowed to be upset but not judgemental - we must try to be in their shoes and understand what they are feeling...that means you must LISTEN and not talk or offer advice. And as for people discounting kissing as minor...i totally disagree - kissing is one of the most powerful ways to show affection...it is ususally the first contact with another...the first taste of their lips...it sets the tone for everything else...so don't take a kiss lightly

[Guest]

MrDarcy, relationships *do* work a little differently: I agree that treating them with indifference, or contempt, inflicts a kind of damage that doesn't relate, neither adequately, nor on all points, to the subject matter I used as fodder in my last post to demonstrate the ridiculous extent we can go when we do not acknowledge the grays in our lives, and when we only react to the more simplistic, black-and-white perspective of the right and wrong of our poor behavior.

 

I still think it's good to have a set of personal standards to live by that we try to achieve -even if it's with some effort- and conscientiously try to maintain them.

 

It's called "trying to do the best that you can", and trying to do better, if you feel that you've failed yourself (and others) by not meeting those basic standards.

 

(Side note about failing others: I've always said I'd rather someone be madder than "dammit!" at me, than "disappointed" in me....Smile.)

 

The whole subject of right and wrong has always been with us -and we've always discussed it- but the core of it remains a personal issue.

 

I think -for most folks- they have already formed certain standards for their lives through life experiences and teaching by the time they they meet with a situation described by the original poster.

 

I also think that our standards are honed through our life experiences and either grow dull from the acceptance of every rotten thing that comes down the pike -and we just become plain apathetic in not trying to strive for better standards, or -on the other hand- our standards can become more mature which involves *having learned* through the experiences with those gray areas, which by the way, are the most likely to land you in a position to question, and improve your standards.

 

In posting such a question as she posted, I believe, the original poster was probably already wrestling with the pressure from her own standards that were developed, thus far, and -in her heart- already knew what her own answer (her own relief) had to be.

 

Like many posters who bring their problems to the boards (any board) they are looking for both sides of the coin laid out in plain view.

 

And then they do what they have already made up their mind to do.

 

I believe this girl will tell her present boyfriend about the kiss.

 

And if she doesn't?

 

The answer to that will probably appear in the boards again in another poster's similar dilemma, whether or not this particular young lady posts again.

 

So this (very common) situation will definately have it's day again.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

 

There are quite a few things I have learned as a result of coming out of my last relationship. One is that the person 'committing' the offence often does not "see" the seriousness of their actions because they are in the middle of the frey - if u know what i mean. when u are in a car crash, everything is up close, your head is smashed against the windsheild, hips crumped against the steering wheel - you don't see much except your own pain. But the bystander that happens along and tries to pull you out sees the street you we on, the stop sign you ran thru, the cell phone you were taking on, and the couple walking to the park with their kids. So, I learned when you 'feel' like you are doing something wrong, ask someone their opinion and value it. The other thing I discovered is those committing the crime often look at what they are doing as less of an infraction and the others actions as massively selfish. Strike a balance.

 

Another thing I found out is find out more about your partner, what they would see as cheating - if they think going to a strip club is cheating - then don't go. Another thing, just because you are detached and might be numbed during something that should not mean that it is not emotional or physicial cheating - think of how the other views it as well. And last, there is a fine line when it comes to discloure - sharing an initimate secret or sharing something emotional..it is possible to talk about sex with someone else in a way that has no intention of moving past that but the subject matter remains the same...and should remain between the couple - unless you go for 3somes - then that's ok

lol

[Guest]

[Four months into our relationship, I kissed a dear friend who I have some history with. The man I kissed was a friend who for the past seven years had been living across the country. I lost my virginity to him, and over the years we had mutally strong feelings for each other which manifested in a caring friendship, but never pursued them because of the distance,.... he moved to my area and is here permanently. We have resumed back to platonic friends and we are very careful not to put ourselves into situations where we may be vulnerable. If I am brutally honest I think that it is just an amount of time before something else happens( more emotional cheating). I think that because we haven't had a chance to explore our feelings as a couple because of the distance for so many years it needs to be dealt with..................

 

 

This guy is more than a platonic friend if you lost your virginity to him, have had mutual stong feelings for each other over the years, and now he is living in your area. You said you have not explored feelings with him due to distance. That distance is no longer there. IMHO you are playing with fire to keep in contact with him, IF you want to maintain your relationship with your current boyfriend. Would you like it if he hung out with a girl whose virginity HE took, harbored deep feelings with for years but didn't explore due to distance, but now that same girl had moved to your area and he was hanging with her. all the time saying "it ain't nothing, honey, we're just friends." If you are gonna break contact with the other man and stay with your boyfriend, then maybe I wouldn't tell him about the kiss. But if you are gonna keep putting yourself in this very tempting situation with the OM and stay with the boyfriend, if I was him I would want to know. Does your boyfriend have occasion to be around your "old friend"? How would you like to be out to dinner with him and some galpal of his HE had sex with years ago, and then recently kissed, and with whom he needs to explore his feelings? Put yourself in your boyfriends shoes, and then decide what you need to do.

[IpAncA]

Uh, could you give some concrete examples of the "small things" ? and what is a big thing?

And those things are?

What if you and he don't agree on what he needs to know? (or wants to know)? Isn't it rather presumptuous on your part to think you know what he needs to know? I mean he doesn't need to know about an affair does he? That would only hurt him if he knew, so many have advocated keeping their affairs secret.

 

Depends on what you do. He probably cares less about what you had for lunch than who you had lunch with... and whether or not you kissed him.

 

Come on now. I'm NOT have an affair nor have I had one in the past if thats what your saying nor am I hiding anything. I was just stating my opinion like everyone else here.

[samsungxoxo]

why do women say..Don't tell him..sheeesh

 

Notice I say two options. I didn't say "Don't say anything" and left it to that. I stated the second option too, that if she's planning on doing it either and taking it further, then she needs to inform her b/f about it.

[Guest]

I want to thank everyone for there responses!

They have been a useful tool in putting things in perspective, and have been an encouragement to start facing the ugly of what i did and start taking responsibility for my actions and making grown up decisions - for better or worse...

 

Special thanks to Rio, can I book an appointment with you doc?

[Flyin in Clouds]

Come on now. I'm NOT have an affair nor have I had one in the past if thats what your saying nor am I hiding anything. I was just stating my opinion like everyone else here.

 

I didn't say you had an affair. I said, your husband is probably more interested in knowing who you had lunch with rather than what kind of salad dressing you had. It goes to the issue of what is important for him to know.

 

Just what are the things your H doesn't need to know, specifically, and what in your opinion would he need to know and then ask him what he thinks he needs to know and see if the two lists, yours and his, match up. If they are the same you two are on the same page, if not... then you don't know him as well as perhaps you should.

 

Nice legs in the avatar BTW...

 

And the quip about the "he doesn't need to know about an affair" was in regard to all the women that do have them and decide their H really doesn't need to know - cause that would just hurt his feelings... it wasn't meant to imply you personally had an affair. But say you did, in the future, wouldn't keeping that affair secret fall into the catagory of stuff your H just didn't need to know?

[IpAncA]

I didn't say you had an affair. I said, your husband is probably more interested in knowing who you had lunch with rather than what kind of salad dressing you had. It goes to the issue of what is important for him to know

 

Ok I'm Sorry. I just was reading to much into it.

 

But say you did, in the future, wouldn't keeping that affair secret fall into the catagory of stuff your H just didn't need to know?

 

No. That would have to be something that I tell him whether I wanted to or not.

 

Just what are the things your H doesn't need to know, specifically, and what in your opinion would he need to know.

 

O no I know him well enough. Sure there are things that I know he would like to know and he has said that I can talk/tell him anything but I don't because I don't want to bother him with it. Usually the stuff that I think he doesn't need to know is basically with some of my work, little things, or if I have a problem with something. I'm used to handling that myself. Sure if he asks then I do but I don't volunteer it. Sometimes I just lie a little so I don't have to talk about it and move on to more important things. Now if it's something big that is way over my head or if it could affect our relationship, myself, or if I think it might interest him then I say something.

 

I'm try to share and be honesty more but it's hard since most of my life no one has ever cared what I did or said on a personal level. He's the first one that cared so on the safe side I don't say much because I don't want to make him feel like I'm using him as a sounding post or annoy him with pointless things. So needless to say there is a lot that I keep inside and just deal with on my own. It's just to easy to not be fully honest then to be honest.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest: " I want to thank everyone for there responses!

They have been a useful tool in putting things in perspective, and have been an encouragement to start facing the ugly of what i did and start taking responsibility for my actions and making grown up decisions - for better or worse...

 

Special thanks to Rio, can I book an appointment with you doc?"

 

(Joking>) Well, of course. (Smile)

 

But you won't need to: my guess is that, by now, your "burden" is probably already lifted with your decision -and you're right in the middle of working out the problem all on your own for the best concerning all three of you.

 

('nother Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio