I kissed another man, should I tell?

[Guest]

"What goes around...comes around..."

Being a victim of cheating in the past, I never thought I'd be in this situation. The reality is I am. I have been dating a very sweet man for over a year now (The first relationship I have been in where we talk about the future actively.) Four months into our relationship, I kissed a dear friend who I have some history with. The man I kissed was a friend who for the past seven years had been living across the country. I lost my virginity to him, and over the years we had mutally strong feelings for each other which manifested in a caring friendship, but never pursued them because of the distance, and we were in other relationships. The man I kissed was in a relationship of three years, and after a night of drinking(not an excuse) and good conversation we kissed. I stopped it at that, although he wanted to take it farther. I actually felt pretty good about myself for stopping it, and decided that I would not tell my boyfriend about it.(Very poor logic!! )

 

The man I kissed went back across the country and was very honest with his girlfriend about what happened, and they eventually broke up. Soon after that he moved to my area and is here permanently. We have resumed back to platonic friends and we are very careful not to put ourselves into situations where we may be vulnerable. If I am brutally honest I think that it is just an amount of time before something else happens( more emotional cheating). I think that because we haven't had a chance to explore our feelings as a couple because of the distance for so many years it needs to be dealt with. My boyfriend of a year is in the dark about this, and he is such a wonderful man I am feeling like i need to be honest with him(like i should have done months ago) about my feelings for my friend and what happened. How should I handle this situation?

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest: " I kissed another man, should I tell?"

 

No!

 

Not unless you intend to do it again, or pursue a relationship with the man you kissed.

 

If you *do* intend to pursue this old relationship, you should relay this information to your present boyfriend and end the relationship.

 

If you intend to keep your *present* boyfriend (and you are really serious about discussion of "future plans" with him) you should be intelligent enough to make it clear (be firm) to your friend that you are seriously involved with someone else.

 

Character and integrity -that's all that's required.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Bryanp]

Of course you tell him. You already said it is a matter of time until something else happens. You are being very disrespectful to your boyfriend. Shouldn't he receive honesty and openness from you? Isn't it interesting that this other man did tell his girlfriend but you did not tell your boyfriend.

 

The bottom line is this. You have kissed another man behind your boyfriend's back and admitted you will probably take this farther since it is a matter of time. Why don't you be honest with your boyfriend so he can decide what he wants to do with this relationship. Right now it sounds like you wish to be a cake eater and see if the relationship with the OM will eventually grow. Your boyfriend has been wonderful to you and this is what he gets in return from you? What is wrong with this picture? You owe it to your boyfriend to be honest about what you have done and your desire about the OM now that he is in town. If you do not then you are a typical user and player. How sad for your boyfriend that clearly he really does not know who you really are.

[PoshPrincess]

If it was a 'one of' and is not likely to happen again DO NOT TELL! I am talking from experience here. I made that mistake with my ex-partner who I had been with for over a year at the time. I got drunk at a Xmas party, kissed a complete stranger and instantly regretted it. I was so racked with guilt that I ended up confessing and the only real reason was to ease my conscience. I was very lucky that my partner was understanding, not only forgave, but never mentioned the incident again. I was so scared I was going to lose him over it. I think he thought it was actually worse than it was BECAUSE of how upset I was over it. It was so not worth confessing and hurting him in the process. Plus, if it was me, I don't think I would want to know either. What you don't know can't hurt you, as I say, as long as there isn't going to be a repeat performance.

 

I really feel for you knowing what you're going through. I think you should cut yourself off from this man altogether if you want to make things work with your man.

 

Lots of luck

[LakesideDream]

What does it matter "if you tell"? Obviously you are not in a committed relationship, you don't owe anyone anything.

 

Just tell your current BF that you "need some space" to "find yourself" and take a break until you decide what you are going to do.

 

Then... do it. Remember you only have to remain faithfull to your vows and committments until you decide not to be faithful.

 

You are in the drivers seat! Drive On.

[Guest]

If it was a 'one of' and is not likely to happen again DO NOT TELL! I am talking from experience here. I made that mistake with my ex-partner who I had been with for over a year at the time. I got drunk at a Xmas party, kissed a complete stranger and instantly regretted it. I was so racked with guilt that I ended up confessing and the only real reason was to ease my conscience. I was very lucky that my partner was understanding, not only forgave, but never mentioned the incident again. I was so scared I was going to lose him over it. I think he thought it was actually worse than it was BECAUSE of how upset I was over it. It was so not worth confessing and hurting him in the process. Plus, if it was me, I don't think I would want to know either. What you don't know can't hurt you, as I say, as long as there isn't going to be a repeat performance.

 

I really feel for you knowing what you're going through. I think you should cut yourself off from this man altogether if you want to make things work with your man.

 

Lots of luck

 

DID I MISS SOMETHING HERE? WHAT EXACTLY ARE U REGRETING? U SAY U KISSED A GUY, FELT BAD, AND TOLD YER MAN, AND BECAUSE U DID ALL THOSE THINGS HE UNDERSTOOD AND FORGAVE U - THAT'S ALL GOOD STUFF - SO WHY DO U FEEL BAD? IF U DID ALL THOSE THINGS AND DIDN'T TELL HIM, CHANCES ARE HE WOULD NOT BE TOO PLEASED - DON'T U THINK?

[Flyin in Clouds]

"What goes around...comes around..."

Being a victim of cheating in the past, I never thought I'd be in this situation. .... I actually felt pretty good about myself for stopping it, and decided that I would not tell my boyfriend about it.(Very poor logic!! )....How should I handle this situation?

 

 

Oh, by all means, conceal, deceive, hide, keep secrets and don't tell your BF the turth - ever. I mean that's how you'd want to be treated by him, right? Why upset each other a minor thing like infidelity...

 

How should your BF handle it if he had kissed another woman and he then wanted to "test the waters" with her?

[Yamaha]

I think that it is just an amount of time before something else happens

 

If this is how you feel about the friend then you should not only tell your bf but you should end your relationship as you do not have his interests at heart. Don't become a cheater. There's no future in it.

[stargazer12]

After the things that I've been through, I would personally think that minuet and consider that it be nothing. If you are upset about it, truly you are very sincere and if that is the worst that you ever do, your B/F will be lucky. However if you maintain any relationship with a previous B/F and there is any chance that you, will be together alone, you can be quite sure of where it shall lead. If you do allow yourself to become thusly situated, than you are so incline to a relationship with this man, for you know almost certainly were his intentions, lie.

[shakenandstirred]

re:

 

 

 

No!

 

Not unless you intend to do it again, or pursue a relationship with the man you kissed.

 

If you *do* intend to pursue this old relationship, you should relay this information to your present boyfriend and end the relationship.

 

If you intend to keep your *present* boyfriend (and you are really serious about discussion of "future plans" with him) you should be intelligent enough to make it clear (be firm) to your friend that you are seriously involved with someone else.

 

Character and integrity -that's all that's required.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

Its this type of dishonesty that leads to broken relationships. Why do you wish for her not to tell. You wouldn't want to be in the dark about a kiss shared between your SO and their former lover/friend. Or would you?

I have found that some women like to keep secrets, but don't like secrets kept from them. Its hypocritical. She is on the road to betraying her boyfriend and has already done so.If she wishes to keep a good relationship she should be honest. If not careful she could wind up in bed with him and from the way she tells it, thats not far away.

She is way past the point of having an emotional affair. Emotional affairs are just you sharing emotions that you would normally share with your SO. Its gotten physical. She should tell.

[Sup]

I say yes, tell him, even if it causes a break-up, it's better to have a relationship based on truth, rather than lies. Yes, he WILL be angry, but, that will show that you respect him whether he stays with you or not. Also telling him may help to prevent messing around with OM.

[samsungxoxo]

If you're planning to go further and start developing emotions for the other guy, then tell him and break up with him.

If it was a one time mistake, don't say a word about it.

[whichwayisup]

Fact is, the guy you kissed, you have feelings for. And that friendship now is no longer innocent and platonic.

 

You ask yourself this. If you and him were to spend any time alone together, could a kiss (or more) happen again? Would you allow that to happen? Or could you say NO and walk away.

 

Do you find yourself "thinking" and "fantasizing" about the other guy? Remembering that kiss and how it made you feel? If yes, then you need to make a decision either to tell the man you're with now what has happened or break up with him, let him find someone else who is completely into him and not someone else. If no, then you need to end the 'friendship' with the other guy and focus on the man you're dating now.

[shakenandstirred]

If you're planning to go further and start developing emotions for the other guy, then tell him and break up with him.

If it was a one time mistake, don't say a word about it.

 

why do women say..Don't tell him..sheeesh

[shakenandstirred]

Fact is, the guy you kissed, you have feelings for. And that friendship now is no longer innocent and platonic.

 

You ask yourself this. If you and him were to spend any time alone together, could a kiss (or more) happen again? Would you allow that to happen? Or could you say NO and walk away.

 

Do you find yourself "thinking" and "fantasizing" about the other guy? Remembering that kiss and how it made you feel? If yes, then you need to make a decision either to tell the man you're with now what has happened or break up with him, let him find someone else who is completely into him and not someone else. If no, then you need to end the 'friendship' with the other guy and focus on the man you're dating now.

 

I agree with this

[riobikini]

re:

 

ShakenandStirred: " Its this type of dishonesty that leads to broken relationships. Why do you wish for her not to tell."

 

I understand how a black-and-white view of the circumstances can contribute to the view that someone is being untruthful in regards to not telling this kind of information.

 

But I urge you to review my post -it's encouraging the poster (most of all) to face her true feelings about each of these men in her life and *make a decision* -not flip-flop around the periphery of the dilemma and create a more dramatic and potentially hurtful mess of things.

 

It's urging grown-up responsibility.

 

That doesn't mean that -after you have behaved wrongfully, or deceitfully, or just "badly"- that you run and tell it to someone.

 

It means that you immediately make the *effort* to face your behavior *on your own* and get a decision from yourself as to which person means more to you and decide with whom you have much invested, and decide with whom you will stay, -then you know what action to take next (e.g. breaking it completely off with the ex, or sticking with your present partner.)

 

Depending on your decision, there may be no need to bring the incident to anyone and hurt them.

 

I realize that this may be viewed as dishonest -and, I agree that, in the strictest sense of the word, it's not entirely- but my feelings about such experiences as the one posted are that they are best left to the "grays" in our lives.

 

The grays are often the areas we learn the most from, and which -if seriously contended with- help us to form standards that actually make us more aware of the difference between the right and wrong of our behavior.

 

Not to mention that they can cause us to recognize potential situations that we need to avoid (like the kissing incident) -and learn to recognize potential similar situations before they become a problem.

 

Learning from our experiences with the gray areas causes us to grow a sort of caution-flag -a sort of "alert" to dangerous situations. But using those lessons intelligently is the key.

 

It can also cause us to be more compassionate towards the mistakes of others because we've dealt with the grays personally, and know how the pressure from them has the power to force a decision about our individual morality, and cause us to recognize just where we are on our own scale, as well as where we are in relationship to others' standards in our human society.

 

In closing -if someone has the overwhelming need to tell -for whatever reason that they cannot get past- then let them. This decision is entirely individual.

 

 

-Rio

[shakenandstirred]

re:

 

 

 

I understand how a black-and-white view of the circumstances can contribute to the view that someone is being untruthful in regards to not telling this kind of information.

 

But I urge you to review my post -it's encouraging the poster (most of all) to face her true feelings about each of these men in her life and *make a decision* -not flip-flop around the periphery of the dilemma and create a more dramatic and potentially hurtful mess of things.

 

It's urging grown-up responsibility.

 

That doesn't mean that -after you have behaved wrongfully, or deceitfully, or just "badly"- that you run and tell it to someone.

 

It means that you immediately make the *effort* to face your behavior *on your own* and get a decision from yourself as to which person means more to you and decide with whom you have much invested, and decide with whom you will stay, -then you know what action to take next (e.g. breaking it completely off with the ex, or sticking with your present partner.)

 

Depending on your decision, there may be no need to bring the incident to anyone and hurt them.

 

I realize that this may be viewed as dishonest -and, I agree that, in the strictest sense of the word, it's not entirely- but my feelings about such experiences as the one posted are that they are best left to the "grays" in our lives.

 

The grays are often the areas we learn the most from, and which -if seriously contended with- help us to form standards that actually make us more aware of the difference between the right and wrong of our behavior.

 

Not to mention that they can cause us to recognize potential situations that we need to avoid (like the kissing incident) -and learn to recognize potential similar situations before they become a problem.

 

Learning from our experiences with the gray areas causes us to grow a sort of caution-flag -a sort of "alert" to dangerous situations. But using those lessons intelligently is the key.

 

It can also cause us to be more compassionate towards the mistakes of others because we've dealt with the grays personally, and know how the pressure from them has the power to force a decision about our individual morality, and cause us to recognize just where we are on our own scale, as well as where we are in relationship to others' standards in our human society.

 

In closing -if someone has the overwhelming need to tell -for whatever reason that they cannot get past- then let them. This decision is entirely individual.

 

 

-Rio

Rio,

While your response is a highly educated one, lets not merely look at this as a*gray* incident. She wasn't in a gray zone when she willingly kiss this man, and yes i did say willingly. Putting a lid on it simply opens the door to hide more things. If this was an incident where it was a past issue and done before she got together with her current boyfriend, then such a thing would not matter. But don't make it trivial. Kissing can lead to other things, which she admits in her post.

The only advice i'm giving is to be honest. And no you don't have to run and tell every bad thing, only the ones that will affect your relationship. What if he finds out anyway by other circumstances. Then that lid she put on the pot to hide her "infidelity" will blow to the sky a lot higher than if she would have admitted it in the beginning.

Keeping Secrets + Telling Lies = No relationship long term

[riobikini]

In that case, it might be best for me to appear voluntarily at my city's local traffic court and throw myself at the mercy of my local law enforcement for violating certain traffic laws which, I admit, I have been guilty of -but was never caught when I did it- and even though my violations were minor (but *could* have led to more serious offenses).

 

By the time I am finished admitting to all those (and good Lord! there have been many, mind you, over the years) -I wonder if they can get past my insanity, and forgive me for admitting to all that.

 

For the most part, I am a very conscientious law abiding driver (my only handicap is that I am female...Smile) -but I have certainly been right smack in the middle of the "gray area" I have mentioned.

 

I would probably have to take out a loan to pay all the fines -and would probably be darned lucky to be allowed to keep my driver's license- but nonetheless, I would be redeemed from my evil ways (hopefully) by telling -and , also, hopefully, not wind up in prison somewhere, wasting away, wishing I had never made those bad judgements in traffic.

 

Forgive myself?

 

Never!

 

Live with my "secrets"?

 

How could I?

 

I'm sure that -for the sake of whatever is right and decent and moral- I should tell it all to someone.

 

(Smile)

 

Now....after all the above, is my point clearer than before?

 

I hope so -because gray areas *do* exist for all of us...it's just that making good use of our past errors, mistakes, and screw-ups -if we allow it- can turn out to be very good guides as to how to deal with future ones -or avoid them altogether.

 

And, to me, that's the *most important* thing.

 

 

As for me -I'm actually becoming a much better driver.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[MrDarcy]

In that case, it might be best for me to appear voluntarily at my city's local traffic court and throw myself at the mercy of my local law enforcement for violating certain traffic laws which, I admit, I have been guilty of -but was never caught when I did it- and even though my violations were minor (but *could* have led to more serious offenses).

 

By the time I am finished admitting to all those (and good Lord! there have been many, mind you, over the years) -I wonder if they can get past my insanity, and forgive me for admitting to all that.

 

For the most part, I am a very conscientious law abiding driver (my only handicap is that I am female...Smile) -but I have certainly been right smack in the middle of the "gray area" I have mentioned.

 

I would probably have to take out a loan to pay all the fines -and would probably be darned lucky to be allowed to keep my driver's license- but nonetheless, I would be redeemed from my evil ways (hopefully) by telling -and , also, hopefully, not wind up in prison somewhere, wasting away, wishing I had never made those bad judgements in traffic.

Well, even if you did confess your sins to the authorities, there's nothing they could've done about it, unless you actually could prove that you did what you say you did. Innocent until proven guilty, and all that..... I guess relationships work a little differently. You don't have to present any proof.

 

I agree with what you say in your other post about taking responsibility for ones actions and being true to oneself, but IMO coming clean would be a good step towards responsible behaviour.

[IpAncA]

Humm... Not sure on that one since your just dating him. IMO I wouldn't say anything if you don't have any guilty feeling lingering around or if you don't plan on ever talking, seeing, or having anything else to do with it.

 

Yeah you could come clean and he might not like it, but if he ever found out you would have to squeeze your way out of that one and I don't want to hear any complaining if he found out later.

 

I think the whole honesty thing is over rated sometimes. Yeah I'm honesty with my H but there are things that its best that he just doesn't know about as I'm sure there are things that he doesn't tell me. It's not my mission in life to tell him EVERYTHING that I do.

[riobikini]

MrDarcy, relationships *do* work a little differently: I agree that treating them with indifference, or contempt, inflicts a kind of damage that doesn't relate, neither adequately, nor on all points, to the subject matter I used as fodder in my last post to demonstrate the ridiculous extent we can go when we do not acknowledge the grays in our lives, and when we only react to the more simplistic, black-and-white perspective of the right and wrong of our poor behavior.

 

I still think it's good to have a set of personal standards to live by that we try to achieve -even if it's with some effort- and conscientiously try to maintain them.

 

It's called "trying to do the best that you can", and trying to do better, if you feel that you've failed yourself (and others) by not meeting those basic standards.

 

(Side note about failing others: I've always said I'd rather someone be madder than "dammit!" at me, than "disappointed" in me....Smile.)

 

The whole subject of right and wrong has always been with us -and we've always discussed it- but the core of it remains a personal issue.

 

I think -for most folks- they have already formed certain standards for their lives through life experiences and teaching by the time they they meet with a situation described by the original poster.

 

I also think that our standards are honed through our life experiences and either grow dull from the acceptance of every rotten thing that comes down the pike -and we just become plain apathetic in not trying to strive for better standards, or -on the other hand- our standards can become more mature which involves *having learned* through the experiences with those gray areas, which by the way, are the most likely to land you in a position to question, and improve your standards.

 

In posting such a question as she posted, I believe, the original poster was probably already wrestling with the pressure from her own standards that were developed, thus far, and -in her heart- already knew what her own answer (her own relief) had to be.

 

Like many posters who bring their problems to the boards (any board) they are looking for both sides of the coin laid out in plain view.

 

And then they do what they have already made up their mind to do.

 

I believe this girl will tell her present boyfriend about the kiss.

 

And if she doesn't?

 

The answer to that will probably appear in the boards again in another poster's similar dilemma, whether or not this particular young lady posts again.

 

So this (very common) situation will definately have it's day again.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[shakenandstirred]

Humm... Not sure on that one since your just dating him. IMO I wouldn't say anything if you don't have any guilty feeling lingering around or if you don't plan on ever talking, seeing, or having anything else to do with it.

 

Yeah you could come clean and he might not like it, but if he ever found out you would have to squeeze your way out of that one and I don't want to hear any complaining if he found out later.

 

I think the whole honesty thing is over rated sometimes. Yeah I'm honesty with my H but there are things that its best that he just doesn't know about as I'm sure there are things that he doesn't tell me. It's not my mission in life to tell him EVERYTHING that I do.

 

Honesty overated???

Lord have mercy, this is where i say women have a double standard about things. You may not want to be honest and keep secrets, but turn the situation around and you would want your H to be completely honest about everything he does. You wouldn't want him to say,"There are things she just shouldn't know" or would you? Not to say that he may be keeping secrets already and you probably are too...I don't know, but secrets have their way of falling out of hidden places and when they do...will you or your H be ready to deal with the circumstances.

[IpAncA]

Honesty overated???

Lord have mercy, this is where i say women have a double standard about things. You may not want to be honest and keep secrets, but turn the situation around and you would want your H to be completely honest about everything he does. You wouldn't want him to say,"There are things she just shouldn't know" or would you? Not to say that he may be keeping secrets already and you probably are too...I don't know, but secrets have their way of falling out of hidden places and when they do...will you or your H be ready to deal with the circumstances.

I understand what your saying and there are things that people should be honest with but I'm talking about the small things being overated, not the big things. There are no secrets that I just sit down and hope he doesn't find out.

 

The reason that I think honesty is overated for small things IMO is when I was younger I experienced what it's like when people are 100% honest with each other and nothing good comes from it. It was better to not be honest about certain things. So that stuck with me and I only tell my H what he needs to know. Do you really think that I should tell him every single thing that I do all day? What good would that do? Nothing. If he asks or if I want to share something then I do as I'm sure he does with me. What may not work for others works for us so why change that?

[shakenandstirred]

MrDarcy, relationships *do* work a little differently: I agree that treating them with indifference, or contempt, inflicts a kind of damage that doesn't relate, neither adequately, nor on all points, to the subject matter I used as fodder in my last post to demonstrate the ridiculous extent we can go when we do not acknowledge the grays in our lives, and when we only react to the more simplistic, black-and-white perspective of the right and wrong of our poor behavior.

 

I still think it's good to have a set of personal standards to live by that we try to achieve -even if it's with some effort- and conscientiously try to maintain them.

 

It's called "trying to do the best that you can", and trying to do better, if you feel that you've failed yourself (and others) by not meeting those basic standards.

 

(Side note about failing others: I've always said I'd rather someone be madder than "dammit!" at me, than "disappointed" in me....Smile.)

 

The whole subject of right and wrong has always been with us -and we've always discussed it- but the core of it remains a personal issue.

 

I think -for most folks- they have already formed certain standards for their lives through life experiences and teaching by the time they they meet with a situation described by the original poster.

 

I also think that our standards are honed through our life experiences and either grow dull from the acceptance of every rotten thing that comes down the pike -and we just become plain apathetic in not trying to strive for better standards, or -on the other hand- our standards can become more mature which involves *having learned* through the experiences with those gray areas, which by the way, are the most likely to land you in a position to question, and improve your standards.

 

In posting such a question as she posted, I believe, the original poster was probably already wrestling with the pressure from her own standards that were developed, thus far, and -in her heart- already knew what her own answer (her own relief) had to be.

 

Like many posters who bring their problems to the boards (any board) they are looking for both sides of the coin laid out in plain view.

 

And then they do what they have already made up their mind to do.

 

I believe this girl will tell her present boyfriend about the kiss.

 

And if she doesn't?

 

The answer to that will probably appear in the boards again in another poster's similar dilemma, whether or not this particular young lady posts again.

 

So this (very common) situation will definately have it's day again.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

Ok now that you have patronized my response, let me clarify.

As MrDarcy says and you agreed to, relationships do work differently. We are not talking about traffic tickets or past confessions. We are talking about a kiss she shared with a past boyfriend. A little different situation.

I agree that sometimes gray areas exist, but not in this case. Its in Black and white...she kissed another man. For her relationship's sake..she must confess or suffer circumstances that could occur in the future.

[Flyin in Clouds]

... but I'm talking about the small things being overated, not the big things.

 

Uh, could you give some concrete examples of the "small things" ? and what is a big thing?

It was better to not be honest about certain things.

And those things are?

So that stuck with me and I only tell my H what he needs to know.

What if you and he don't agree on what he needs to know? (or wants to know)? Isn't it rather presumptuous on your part to think you know what he needs to know? I mean he doesn't need to know about an affair does he? That would only hurt him if he knew, so many have advocated keeping their affairs secret.

 

Do you really think that I should tell him every single thing that I do all day?

Depends on what you do. He probably cares less about what you had for lunch than who you had lunch with... and whether or not you kissed him.