MarkhamSister Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 What does one do when an affair has sort of ended, compassionately, and the two parties continue to work very closely together, and still acknowlege their love and desire for each other? A new job is impossible for me. I work in a very specialized field in a very small community and I'm a widowed parent, sole support for my children, and this position offers me free child-care, tuition etc. The explanation: I have been having an affair with my colleague since the winter. We've known each other a decade and when we started working closely together on a project, mutual attraction that always existed on an intellectual level turned into a close friendship and then a sexual relationship. He has been unhappily married (this I have known since I first met him 10 years ago) for a long time. He has a few children and he does not want to be a part-time parent to them. At my suggestion (yes) he started marriage counseling and I offered to end the affair. I even tried half-heartedly several times because I wanted his counseling to have integrity but within a few days we fell back with each other. I've never experienced such love and desire, even in my happy marriage. They've gone to counseling every few weeks but he's never come close to discussing the affair. He's grown more uncomfortable over time with the amount of things he's having to hide but he says he cannot imagine life without our connection, either. A few weeks ago his wife questioned him about his mobile bill. We assumed all hell would break loose but he told her that he and I were good friends and that seemed to suffice. But that was the straw for him. He said he was too tired of trying to keep all the balls in the air and he needed to be honest with himself and his wife about their marriage instead of avoiding the ugly truth of it and decide if it was something he believed he could survive in until his children are grown or find a way to resolve so that he could move on. He's told her he's unhappy but has protected her from the full-blown truth of it all. He said that while he wasn't going to discuss the affair at counseling, to protect both of us and our jobs, he was going to start to be honest about his unhappiness with her and face the facts. We talked and agreed that our sexual life must come to an end and that we needed to put more space in our relationship, not foster the closeness that we have. It's pretty brutal, and difficult, because we work as part of a creative team and so are always talking and working on enjoyable things together. We still say that we love each other and we both trade a few personal (versus work) e-mails a day, but other than that, we have scaled back our exchanges. It's very hard for me to feel committed to this change, especially because he told me that he doesn't believe there's much to work with in his marriage. It is relatively clear to me that he doesn't want to let me go, for reasons that are probably selfish and yet understandable. I don't want to let him go either. I wonder what my best course of action should be. Should I draw a very clear boundary and say, "We must have no interactions at all that come remotely close to anything loving or personal, until you know what your choices are?" Or should I remain emotionally close?
outofdarkness Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 your first option is the cleanest and most sensible...Just my opinion Good luck and blessings. I know it's painful for you...
PoshPrincess Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 What does one do when an affair has sort of ended, compassionately, and the two parties continue to work very closely together, and still acknowlege their love and desire for each other? A new job is impossible for me. I work in a very specialized field in a very small community and I'm a widowed parent, sole support for my children, and this position offers me free child-care, tuition etc. The explanation: I have been having an affair with my colleague since the winter. We've known each other a decade and when we started working closely together on a project, mutual attraction that always existed on an intellectual level turned into a close friendship and then a sexual relationship. He has been unhappily married (this I have known since I first met him 10 years ago) for a long time. He has a few children and he does not want to be a part-time parent to them. At my suggestion (yes) he started marriage counseling and I offered to end the affair. I even tried half-heartedly several times because I wanted his counseling to have integrity but within a few days we fell back with each other. I've never experienced such love and desire, even in my happy marriage. They've gone to counseling every few weeks but he's never come close to discussing the affair. He's grown more uncomfortable over time with the amount of things he's having to hide but he says he cannot imagine life without our connection, either. A few weeks ago his wife questioned him about his mobile bill. We assumed all hell would break loose but he told her that he and I were good friends and that seemed to suffice. But that was the straw for him. He said he was too tired of trying to keep all the balls in the air and he needed to be honest with himself and his wife about their marriage instead of avoiding the ugly truth of it and decide if it was something he believed he could survive in until his children are grown or find a way to resolve so that he could move on. He's told her he's unhappy but has protected her from the full-blown truth of it all. He said that while he wasn't going to discuss the affair at counseling, to protect both of us and our jobs, he was going to start to be honest about his unhappiness with her and face the facts. We talked and agreed that our sexual life must come to an end and that we needed to put more space in our relationship, not foster the closeness that we have. It's pretty brutal, and difficult, because we work as part of a creative team and so are always talking and working on enjoyable things together. We still say that we love each other and we both trade a few personal (versus work) e-mails a day, but other than that, we have scaled back our exchanges. It's very hard for me to feel committed to this change, especially because he told me that he doesn't believe there's much to work with in his marriage. It is relatively clear to me that he doesn't want to let me go, for reasons that are probably selfish and yet understandable. I don't want to let him go either. I wonder what my best course of action should be. Should I draw a very clear boundary and say, "We must have no interactions at all that come remotely close to anything loving or personal, until you know what your choices are?" Or should I remain emotionally close? Your R sounds v similar to the one I was in. My ex-MM was in an unhappy marriage but had plodded along, then he met me and I think it was only then he realised how bad things had got at home. I tried ending things many times, as he did and, like you, I suggested he and his W have counselling or at least try and sort out their marriage. I told him they could get that feeling back again if they really tried but he said it had gone beyond that long ago so carried on plodding. He told me that maybe if he hadn't met me things would be different but it had made him realise what was missing in his M (they got married v young after their children were born). In the end (after over a year of heartache for both of us) he decided he would stick with his M for the sake of his kids (they got dragged into it by the W when she found out about us), that he loved me, but it was the sacrifice he had to make. I was totally heartbroken (still am) but told him to try and save the R he has (or had) with his W as otherwise him and me not being together would be pointless. Although deep down part of me wants it all to go pear-shaped and for him to come running to me, I know it's v unlikely so I seriously hope they can work things out (it seems that she wants it to) and be happy as I care so much for him. At times he was a broken man, a complete mess, and I knew that our A was doing him no good, that he felt completely torn, especially as it was affecting his kids so much and in the end, because I was getting upset too, that was just making things even worse. I could never do that to him. I can see that your sitch is harder as you work together. We have been NC for two weeks now and although it is difficult I know that if we spoke the hurt would start all over again so, at the moment, I have the willpower to stay NC. Although he lives fairly near me it IS possible to avoid him. Who knows whether I will last the distance! When two people clearly love each other so much they SHOULD be together but certain situations prevent this from happening. As I used to tell my MM, some things aren't meant to be. That's life, I guess! Do you think you can continue on a 'friendship only' basis? I tried and it didn't work but everyone's different. My hope was that I could be there for him as a friend and then that way, if down the line things didn't work out for him and he decided to leave, he would know I was still there for him. My MM does know this anyway but I have to tell myself it's not going to be otherwise I will drive myself completely insane. I have a 3 year old child to consider so have to get on with life and try to get over MM no matter how hard. Lots and lots of luck. Stay strong!
Author MarkhamSister Posted October 25, 2006 Author Posted October 25, 2006 Thank you so much, PoshPrincess, for your compassionate and thoughtful reply. It helps so much to read about someone else's similar situation. It certainly is nothing I ever envisioned myself in, and yet here I am. What I struggle with is how much warm contact to maintain with him versus whether I should insist on keeping everything absolutely professional. We've always, always been friends at work so it would be an extremely odd place to be in to talk about work and only work--that's not really the nature of our job, either. I wish he were saying, "Look, I have to focus completely on getting a clear picture of my marriage and any affectionate contact between the two of us clouds things." But he's not saying that. So it seems I will need to do the heavy lifting, if I so choose. Peace to us all.
PoshPrincess Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I wish he were saying, "Look, I have to focus completely on getting a clear picture of my marriage and any affectionate contact between the two of us clouds things." But he's not saying that. So it seems I will need to do the heavy lifting, if I so choose. Likewise, it was me who always did the 'ending things' to begin with. I'd get to the stage where I'd think, "We can't do this anymore", mainly because he always said he wanted to leave so I'd think, "Well, go and sort your life out and when you have, come back and let me know and we can be together". The first time I tried ending it was only after a couple of months, maybe even less, and he was totally devastated. I suppose that was when I realised how much I actually meant to him. I think that just made me love him even more as I had never had the effect on anyone before! He had lots of family problems that he had to deal with which didn't help the sitch. In the end, I think he got so sick of me calling it off every five minutes only to change my mind again (after persistent pursuasion from him) that it was emotionally draining, especially with what else was going on his life. HE was the one who called time in the end, but knowing that he still has feelings for me makes it very difficult. For all I know, now that we aren't seeing each other, he may have been able to look at things more clearly and might be trying to save his marriage. That is what I keep trying to tell myself anyway and hope for his sake that he is.
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