juztme75 Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 my husband (married 2 months ago) left our home drunk about 6 or 7 months ago....went to 3 bars and ended up going home with a woman from the last bar....came home the next afternoon.....i spent the morning calling hospital and police to try and find out what had happened to him as this was completely out of his character......when he arrived home he was apologetic and told me that some close friends of his were at the bar and wouldn't let him drive home so he stayed at their house........I knew in my heart this was not true......I asked him to call them and thank them for letting him stay so that i would at least know that is where he was.... he refused and became angry with me and told me that i needed to trust him and believe him........... In all the months that have passed same story...with me being the bad guy for questioning him.......... Finally last night he admitted that he went home with a woman instead.......Said that he met her at the bar........ said that when he was trying to leave she wouldn't let him drive because he was too drunk....They then proceeded to get a cab together and went to her house.....He says that he slept on the couch and never touched her.......... When I asked him what her name was he said he doesnt know........ When i told him that i have a hard time believing that he didnt sleep with her because he could have just as easily rode that cab home to our home he became very angry with me............ He got in my face screaming at me that he already told me the f_____ truth and to leave it alone........... He is being very abusive to me about this situation...... He told me that i needed to just shut up and get over it and stop talking about it............. and that its my fault that he is so angry with me because i tricked the truth out of him......... I am completely devastated right now...... My emotions are everywhere......... I love this man...... I am so sickened at the thought of him touching another woman......... All my trust is destroyed at this point and I don't know what to do............. On top of the hurt I am feeling I am now dealing with emotional abuse from him............. The fact that he has lied to me for so long is killing me..... (2nd big lie since our marriage....first one was a money matter with his ex wife) At this point i don't care if he slept with the woman or not...... I still view it as cheating.......Is this wrong? Since this incident he stopped going out and drinking and is home all the time when not at work so i don't believe that he is still having anything to do with the woman......... I feel so hurt and alone right now.......he is making me feel as though this is my fault and i cant take it anymore...... WE were married on a lie which hurts deeply as well.....The lies are the most hurtful part............What do I do now with myself and with my marriage? Sorry this is so long winded......just needed to get it off my chest........ I don't have anyone to talk to about it because I don't want my family to know and dislike him if we do work this out....
outofdarkness Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 get out now...this man is full of lies and is blame switching with you..Your story has red flags ALL through it. The fact that he finally admitted to going home with this woman is just the tip or the iceberg. I always gauge my H's cheating ways on how he is behaving. The abusive and condescending attitude almost always mean something is not right. He is blaming and making you feel badly for questioning him because he knows how wrong he's been. He has to justify his behavior somehow! This is VERY common amoung MM who have or are having affairs..Do a search on this forum for signs of cheating, or on google..You will likely find many that you can identify with...Good luck and blessings...
amaysngrace Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 He is blaming and making you feel badly for questioning him because he knows how wrong he's been. He has to justify his behavior somehow! I agree 100%. I call it the 'guilty conscience syndrome'. They are guilty but instead of fessing up, they put the blame on you. As if something's wrong with you, not him. It is crazy-making behavior. He has overstepped his boundaries on this one and has absolutely no right to make you suffer more than you are already, due to his actions. You really need to ask yourself, "Where is the love?"
Jazmyn Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 How long have the two of you been together? Not that it matters about the situation you are in, but what I'm trying to understand is this, is the mental/verbal abuse new as well? Or has this sort of treatment been his MO? My guess is that you have to decide if this is a repairable mistake that he made. If you love him as you say you do and want nothing more than to heal and move on, then you both need to sit down together in a civil manor and talk with all the defenses down. He has to understand you cannot move forward with your marriage until this is put to rest. However, he also needs to listen to how you are feeling. Is he sincere with his remorse, if he feels any at all? Lying about the whole thing is the problem. Which leads to another issue: his drinking. Is this a problem or has been in the past? Alcoholics, shifting blame, and lying go hand in hand. You chose a good forum here on LS. You'll get lots of help. But do take care of yourself to minimize the affect this has on all aspects of your life. I don't suggest talking to family, but surely you must have a close friend (male or female) to confide in and help you through this. Let us know how you are doing.
juztme Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 we have been together a little over a year now...... the drinking is not a problem with him anymore...he quit..... When he does negative things that affect our relationship he usually refuses to acknowledge it...... The emotional abuse comes out when I try to communicate my feelings with him.... He will generally listen but not respond with a single word and usually wont even look at me when I am speaking to him...... This hurts me due to the lack of respect and care and I get very angry with him. He always tells me that he is not good at communicating but the fact is that he is always good at communication as long as its not something that he doesn't want to hear......At that point he either tunes me out or becomes verbally abusive..... and the original problem never gets solved......but in his benefit I have seen where he has made a great effort towards fixing the communication problem since our marriage 2 months ago until this came out last night It hurts so bad because I thought that we were actually making baby steps forward and instead we are at the worst point that we have ever been now.
outofdarkness Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 it's because he's cheating, honey! There is an OW in the picture and that changes/reverses any progress you've made...Ask him to give you proof that the fling is truly over...a letter and watch him sign and mail it? Your last alternative, and it's not a good one, is to give him ultimatums. This is especially important if he is at ALL abusinve in ANY way. This type of behavior is not exceptable in any way shape or form. No woman should subject herself to that...My bet is that he will straighten up fast and do whatever is necessary to mend your marriage. If he is totally unwilling, then you have your answer...It's harsh, but as a last resort, seems to work a great deal of the time...In the mean time, get some support. Go to Indiv. couns. by yourself if he won't go...Work on whatever you have to do to strengthen yourself and change your own life so that you and your child are well prepared should you decide to leave him or he decides to go with the OW...yes, it does happen on occasion. Mostly, they decide to stay with the W and family, but do you want him to if he wants to be with someone else and is going to treat you in a demeaning and degrading way? Good luck, I will be praying for you.. Hope you get some much needed support either in IC or here...Blessings
Author juztme75 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Posted October 25, 2006 thanks for the advice all..... we don't have any children together
amaysngrace Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Tuning you out is as bad as being verbally abusive. It's emotional abuse. The silent treatment. It doesn't sound to me as if he's having an affair for sure. Although he may sleep with a one nighter if the opportunity presented itself. He obviously has no respect for you or your feelings. If he had, he wouldn't be treating you the way he does. He'd nurture you. He'd reassure you. He'd bend over backwards admitting his wrongdoing and promising you it will never happen again because you mean too much to him to ever hurt you like that again. Unfortunately, he's mistreating you. My exH use to make promises all the time when he sensed I was reaching my limit with him. He'd express a desire to "change" but it was always short-lived. He'd fall into all his bad habits all over again once he got back into the comfort zone. I really don't know what to tell you, except I know how bad it feels when you're being subjected to mistreatment by the man who claims to love you. And I'm sorry you're going through this. You know you deserve better than him. Heck, being alone would be better than him, don't ya think?
rossi Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 The problem with cheater is not that they are bad person is that they help to figure out why they are behaving this way. It is so easy to step out witout making the effort of solving the root of the problems. If you love this guy and he said that he loves you, it means he has to work on his issues with a good IC or MC. If he does not want to do it, just leave him, you will be better without him. Next time keep your eyes open and you won't follow the same treatment with other men as well.
amaysngrace Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 The problem with cheater is not that they are bad person is that they help to figure out why they are behaving this way. Cheating is one thing... ...abuse is another.
PoshPrincess Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 He is certainly being unfair on you with the way he is behaving after the event. You say that he has now stopped drinking and that he is staying in all the time. Maybe this is his way of trying to make amends - that he just has problems verbally expressing his emotions. You obviously need to sit down and talk to each other and discuss where you're going from here. You need to know where you stand. It does sound quite worrying that you are having these problems so early on in your marriage, especially as it has escalated from something that happened before. He is clearly feeling guilty but dealing with it in totally the wrong way. If you love him though, you have to fight for your marriage. See if you can get him to go MC with you. Maybe he should even consider IC to help deal with his feelings. Best of luck.
jmargel Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 This goes beyond the cheating. My take on this is that he is very immature. In this marriage you are the parent, he is the child. You both need to be in the middle which is called 'adult'. --] Parent --] Adult --] Child The way he reacts to things he doesn't want to hear is *exactly* how a child would react, isn't it? Let me guess.. He had a bad upbrining, and what he's learned through that is subjecting you to it. He needs to push it up a notch so that you can lower yours' down one. He won't respect you until he gets past this immaturity and starts taking responsibility for his actions. You probably have not faced him towards any consequences for his actions, have you? When he acts like a child (which he doesnt even know he's doing it) he gets offensive towards you because he has no defense. He's up against the wall and has learned by trying to go this route he is able to escape answering what needs to be answered. So how do you correct this problem? Very easily. Give him consequences to face and *stick* to them. IMO I would give him the opportunity to see a therapist and/or a MC and if he refuses to go tell him that you need time by yourself to think things through. When he gets verbally abusive the *best* thing to say would be 'I am not going to talk to you until you calm down and discuss the issues rationally', then just walk away. Don't respond to his yelling or his temper tantrum. Once you do that he can still keep his foot in the door and still has hold on the situation the way he wants it to be. By forcing him to face what he's doing is the only way things can start to turn around. Treat him like a child when he acts like one. I went through the same thing with my wife and through a MC and two psychologists I finally found the combination that works. With someone who is immature like this you need to be direct and create boundaries that they are not allowed to cross. Yes, I know it sounds trival but that's something they don't see. By you *tolerating* his behavior he is just going to continue to get worse. It's time to demand respect and if he refuses to give it in the end then you have really no option but to walk away. During this time if he threatens to leave then you're response should be 'If you want to leave that's fine, that is your choice but you are not welcomed back'. He has you where he wants you.. It's time to change things around. Read the book 'Tough Love' that is also a great reference.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Cheating is one thing... ...abuse is another. Cheating is abuse. I'd rather my wife beat the crap out of me that cheat on me.
Author juztme75 Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 thank you for your perspective.... All of the responses have definately opened my mind up and have given me many different things to think about..... This morning when he got home from working graveyard we had a long talk....and yes a real conversation He completely broke down and cried like a baby..... This is not in his character at all... He apologized and said that he will do whatever it takes to make things work..... I told him that counseling is #1 on the list and he agreed to go. (another big surprise). I have always respected his space before but last night I went through his emails and instant messenger archives and cell phone bill and just about everything else I could think of and found nothing out of the ordinary..... I also put a key logger onto the computer that will send me emails of every site visited, and copies of everything typed on our computer.... Makes me feel terrible to go to these extremes...but it is something that I feel that I need to do for awhile..... I love my husband and married him for that reason..... I am going to give our marriage another chance with the aide of counseling and with my eyes wide open.... All of the support here is very helpful as well... thank you!!
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 trust but verify... I also put a key logger onto the computer that will send me emails of every site visited, and copies of everything typed on our computer....OH yeah, and he should get a copy of everything you type as well... if you spy on him (which you should) he can also spy on you.
amaysngrace Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I think it's great that he finally feels remorse for what's he's put you through. It's terrific to hear and I'm very happy you are finally getting the respect you deserve. I hope he has learned his lesson from all of this, plus a lesson in love from you. You are a good person to forgive him. I may not agree with the lack of privacy you're giving him now, but I do understand why you're doing it. It's a matter of comfort for you. I hope he stays true to you and you will learn to trust him with all the love you have in your heart for him. I'm so glad this has a happy ending....well, so far so good anyway. But I'm pretty optimistic you two are going to be a happy, loving couple for many years to come. Marriage takes work, no doubt. But you seem to have a common goal and I wish you both nothing but the best. XO
lighthouse Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Cheating is abuse. I'd rather my wife beat the crap out of me that cheat on me. FiC - I have been in both situations and believe me beating is far worse. First, it is easy for you to say that because chances are that your wife wouldn't "beat the crap" out of you as you are probably stronger than she is and could grab her arms and stop her. Also, statistically men are far more likely to physically abuse than a female is. Second, when someone (male or female) is being beaten it is somehow perceived to be their fault, i.e. she liked it. What actually happens is that you feel lower than low. Physical (and emotional) abusers make you feel like you are worth nothing and deserve nothing better and then the victim believes it. Obviously I would not like a person I am with to do either but until you have been at the ER at 2 in the morning getting dirty looks from doctors and nurses after you have just had your arm broken or been hit in the face you have no idea, IMO. Also, somehow (and I am not sure how) if you are the BS people feel sorry for you BUT if you are the victim of physical abuse then people look at you like you are an absolute idiot and deserve what you got. I agree that they are both wrong but you see everything as black and white when there are actually grays. lighthouse
amaysngrace Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 if you are the victim of physical abuse then people look at you like you are an absolute idiot and deserve what you got. Agreed. They seem to think you should leave the situation and are foolish for staying. When in reality, the mindset you're experiencing plus the lack of confidence you get from getting beat down makes it hard to leave. It's a cycle that unless you've lived it, you'd really have no idea how bad it can be. I'd prefer to be cheated on. At least then he's leaving me alone...
juztme Posted November 1, 2006 Posted November 1, 2006 thanks again all.... anyways I would not be tracking what he does on the computer at this point had he not done what he did..... as far as him tracking me I have nothing to hide.... I do all our bills and he has my password and access to my computer for that reason (he also has a degree in computers and could easily see anything that I do)... I did not cheat... he did and lied.... I have no intention of tracking his computer use forever... just long enough to see for myself that he is not doing more than i am aware of at this point..... Spying on my husband is not a good feeling and definately not the kind of marriage that i intend to be in for the rest of my life.... At this point I just need some peace of mind with all the lies
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