Need some good suggestions in a complex relationship

[Messed_up_man]

I don't know if it is the right place to submit this case. I am having an affair with the wife of my next door neighbor for about 9/10 mos. She is also a friend of my wife. At first it was more like an infatuation or love at first sight but now it has developed its root very deep. Both couples are 10+ yrs old in relationship and both has one little kid. We meet once or twice a month at some special place and make love. We see each other everyday. These two family is very much into each other. I hardly talk with my wife, sleep in a separate room and did not have any physical for long time. My wife tells almost everything about our life to her (my affair). So she knows all my moves and if she does not like something she get's angry and punishes me by going to her husband. Her relationship with her hubby is so so and she tells that her hubby makes her to have sex with him even though she does not enjoys it. And after that she feels guilt. She also shares all about her and she herself tells it to me everytime she has sex with her hubby and says sorry to me. I love her for several reasons but sex is one of the major reasons. I really feel deep love for her and can no way take the idea that she is having sex with her hubby. She loves me very much and shows lot of cares about me in several occassions in front of others and in absence of others. During my work time I talk to her and chat with her a lot and at home almost everyday we see each other in family gathering and share times. As she knows everything about me she manupulates a lot of things (actually most of the things) in my life. Sometimes I feel like she imposes things on me. We have arguments almost everyday and most of the times she gets angry and breaks up (in language only) with me but as soon as her anger goes down she comes back. She knows almost everything about my life and decides a lot of thing for my life. She claims that she loves me a lot and she does not love her hubby but she cares for him. If i do anything wrong she will compare me with her hubby showing his supiriority over me. She told me right now she can not leave or break her marriage and i know i can't either. I have already tried to break up with her once but she became more serious in to this extra-marital relationship after i tried to break up. She said that she does not feel any urge for anyone but me. And she showed it like that for couple of months. But very recently she had sex with her hubby where she had orgasm and confessed to me that she felt sympathetic for him. She blamed me for this though telling that as I was behaving rude now a days and as I was acting out of anger a lot showing off my feelings for her in front of the world she got confused about my love and my caring for her and distances between us has been created. But she still loves me the most and she also tells "sometimes love is not enough". She misunderstands me a lot and always have doubts on my actions and words. She hardly trusts me. Her mood changes very rapidly and very often. I shared everything about my past life and she feels angry for the girls i have met in my past. I am having problem trusting her now a days after her having sex with her hubby. But yet i believe her at some point. I know if we were not having an affair our life would be much more simpler (in several aspects) than now. I know sometimes I really want her to break up with me and leave me but then again I miss her too much. And I can no way accept the idea that she is no longer mine and having fun with someone else right at my next door. Every night i keep up late to see the lights at her house and wait till all of them are turned off.

Now a days i feel that i still care for my wife and have some sort of feelings (may be a little bit of love) that i can never hurt her. I feel guilt. But I also feel that there is a huge gap between us and I was not the only one who created it. And she also cares for me even though she is not that much expressive and she is in to the same profession like mine. Sometimes I feel like to talk to her but can't talk coz she (my affair) will know everything and will get back at me (by some revenge). Like her (my affair) i can't go to my wife for sex just to get back at her. And i know if i do that she'll be very hurt and angry and will leave me. I know if I leave my wife and go to her I will have guilt for the rest of my life and if i let her (my affair) go it will be too hard for me to overcome the pain coz I love her and she lives at my next door. I know my life is doomed and I can't feel the anything without any fear of losing. Can anyone tell me what is my problem? Can anyone give me some good advice so that I can get out of this mess without hurting anyone? Please help.

[norajane]

Your problem? You are having an affair with a manipulative, selfish woman, and you are neglecting your relationship with your wife. You are too scared to leave the Other Woman and you are too scared to try to work things out with your wife. You are jealous of her husband and you are trapped in a situation that you created. You got involved with a woman you should have stayed miles and miles away from.

 

If I were you, I'd start making plans to sell the house and move away and never see or talk to this OW again. Get into marriage counseling with your wife. Yes, she's probably going to tell the OW about the counseling, and the OW just might tell your wife that the two of you have been having an affair...unless she's afraid that her husband will find out too.

 

You need to talk to your wife and tell her you've been having an affair, and that you want to fix your marriage with her. Get everything out in the open. That's the only chance you have of getting out of this mess one way or another. You can't continue what you're doing.