just read it!!!!!!!!

[Guest]

I am in need of some advice well really not advice just someone to hear my story. it is long so please bare with me. I need to start out by saying when I was a child every man I loved as a father figure(my father left me when I was very young so I did not have that) but like there was an auncle my oldest brother my other auncle and friends of the family hurt me. all in a sexual way.

 

I have to say though that not all went as far as rapeing me just my oldest silbling. all the others would like try to kiss me like an adult and I , was a child,foundle me or peep in my room while changing. I am lost. I had my oldest sibling placed in jail and he served ten years. I have forgiven him and have talked to him sience he has said he was sorry and truly sorry.

 

he said that the drugs he was on made him do crazy things and that he is not using the drugs as an excuess and that nothing can take back what he done to me and that all he could say was he was sorry.he cried uncontrolable when he was telling me he was sorry so I cried and we have just made our peace. to tell you the truth if I had to change my life over again I would not why cause I truly care about people,

 

of course I wish it never happened to me but I would not change it. just the only thing I would would be that I do not know how to say no. I get walked on and I am used alot. exzample when my friends of 20 years needs something like to baby sit my God son so she could go to nursing school would I do it. but it was 3 nights a week in which I dont mind helping at all but that ment another mouth to feed more homework to do and another bath on top of all the other things in my agenda for my family.

 

I had to pick him up from school which was lots more gas cause he was 20 min from my house. but she could not pay me to keep him. I said you know if I dont help her she will never get ahead so I did. and no she has no family to help her. my other friend will call on a weekly call and say hey I am bringing the kids to ya so I can do what ever. not will you keep my kids.during my child hood I started to do the drugs due to the fact that all what was happing to me.

 

that is another thing I would not change cause I belive what I am going through right now I would love to have that zone where no one else is and just zone. which bring me to me and my husband. I meet him when I was 14 just turning 15 and we married when I was 17. I think it was more so for me at the time a safe zone cause my brother was getting out of jail and at that point have not spoken or made a minds and all I kept hearing was I will kill you if you tell and if I dont get you before I go I will get you when I get out.

 

so anyway, I married a man whom I thought was my dream. NOT. the hole time I have been married to him it has been an up hill struggle and if I said aal that would happen I would be typing for ever. to make it kinda short he is not happy with himself and has never been shown love nor had it given to him without conditions. his mother has been married 14 times no kidding. not just that burt all the other men she has gone through before the marrages. will say my husbands name is s. when s was 12 years old his mother tried to shoot him cause she thought he was helping husband number 10 cheat on her,

 

so his child hood has not been great. she has now lost her mind.no kidding. she is in a hospital because every one she has done wrong she sees and is out to get her. my husband is not happy with one thing it has to have change at all time. I did not know this was this way till after we married. it was like it changed every thing. if I had anything that would take my attention from him he would make me get rid of it. if it were at the house then he wuold not care cause I did not have to go anywhere. I gained weight throught our first to years.

 

I did not think this affected him as it was not alot and come to find out instead of talking he reaction one day out of the blue he starts calling me names like fat ass and that he was not sexualy attracted to me because I was fat. 140 is what he considered fat but I had boobs from hell. so then is when sex stopped then I lost weight still did not matter he would pick apart something else and then when I changed that it would be something else so on and so forth. it is still that way today. I have to say the major reason I am posting today as that I know my marrage is over and I have to do what is right.

 

we have not had sex in over 7 months and his time at the office was long and I could not figure out for the life of me why billing out was taking so long. I say he has not cheated at the actual act but what I found yesterday devestated me. all along in our marrage I could not have babies and so longed for a child then God answered my prayers and gave us my 5 year old. we got her at birth.

 

she is my hole life and nothing more can take that. I was looking on the computer yesterday and found porn pics. I know what most of you may say is that it is natural for me to look at porn but theese were of girls no older than 15 and the youngest looked like she could not be no older than 10. that is only 5 years older than my daughter. I have been puking my guts up, I cannot quit crying, I cant breath.

 

anyway to tell you I lost weight nothing changed he just went to something else and he hurts me. he does not physcal abuse me it is all mental. we have a pretty home, nice truck and we are confortable with money sometimes anyway we do scremp in the winter as our company is seasonal. my daughter goes to a good school and I am able to pick her up after school and bring her to the office with me.

 

I have not had to put her in daycare ever. we have plenty of food warm beds and lots of animals(I love animals and would have rather see a human hurt than an animal because they are helpless) this is some ways he would hurt me by taking them off or telling me to get rid of them. if he was tired of them which took like three months then it was time for them to go. he has not taught my daughter the same value of an animal that it is ok to just dispose of them and get a new one. which I dont want her like me that when you get one you get attached and cant get rid of them.

 

I am wondering hugh. I am so lost guys/girls I never thought I would have found what I have found. I am reverting to the little girl closed up in a ball on her bed wondering why. I cant image anyone doing this to a child. exploting them and then men looking at them and getting off on it. he reason to me last night when I confronted him was I am as fat a roseann bar.not. he said you have an adiction to food and that I was fat and nasty. all I could say was they are babies not even women yet and some of them did not even have hair yet.

 

I am so lost I love him even after all this but the site of him repluses me. the thought he gets off by these pictures of children repulses me. not only that I will not leave my daughter with him at all all trust is gone. I know I need to contact an attonery but what do I say. I am ashamed and living the terrifering moment of me being raped all over again. what have I done so bad in my life to just be kept kicking while I am down, my whole lofe is upside down. I never felt this feeling of emptyness ever and the only thing keeping me here is I have to keep my daughter safe.

 

if it was not for her I belive I would just check out. I cant breath. my heart hurts so bad. 18 years of hell thinking I could show him love and teach him he is a person deserving of love. I will say this he is a good guy just lost in himself and the outer part of the world he is sick far beyound my help. I hate him and love him and fell sorry for him all in one lump. why cant I find someone to just love me for me. I dont want a love that is outward apperence only. so one to be my life my breath like the love you have for your children just in a different.

 

what I mean by that is when a mother gives birth to her child it could be the uglest baby on the planet but in her eyes the most beautiful child ever and no matter what life has in store she will always love him/her no matter what the outcome, weather he/she turns out to be fat,skinny,short tall,disformed what ever the case may be. that is the kinda love but deeper than that with my husband to confide in. to have bliss sex not just sex but making love, to look into his eye and know that there is no else I could love more. I am so lost.

 

we have our own company I work in the office dont get a pay check so I have no income comming in. if I left no car cause we only have the one and the note is way to high for me to keep. I have a 5 year little girl that is my world,5 dogs that are my kids, 4 horses that I adore and a bird that no one can handle except me. no place to go, no family to turn to no money no nothing so I am stuck. and what is said is I know he is sick and my love for him cries out even finding what I found to help him.

 

I cant even look him in the eys. I have been throwing up for the point of finding them till now and I just cant seem to pull it together. I almost recked this morning after dropping my daughter off at school because it just hit and the crying was so bad I lost my breath and I could not breath then I went into panic mode.

 

I fell like I am in this well that all four walls are around me in brick and I am so far down I see no light and no way out. what do I do??? I ask my self where do I go, how do I surrive, what will come in the future with my daughter that worships the ground her daddy walks on and I never will leave him alone with her. part of me tells me that he will never hurt her but I never thought in my nightmares he would do this so how can I be sure?? well I need to go for now cause I just cant focus and I am going on and on.