Guest Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I've been getting mad at my boyfriend lately because he's so busy with work and other stuff that we don't have much time together. And now I'm getting mad at myself because I'm getting mad at him. He hates planning when we'll see each other because, well, I have no idea why. But he won't do it. If I ask him to be available for a friend's birthday party or something a couple weeks in advance, he'll do it. But he won't ever plan our dates ahead of time when it's just us. Instead, he'll call or email a day ahead. I'm not thrilled about that, but my time is more flexible than his, and we do have a great time together and love each other, so I deal with his wierdness. But the last couple weeks, he's been calling last minute, like when his football game gets rained out, or if he's leaving work and wants to come over. And I keep missing his calls because I'm out doing other stuff or can't answer my cell until it's too late and then we don't get to see each other! If he had just called even a few hours earlier, I'd have gotten the message in time. And now because I've been mad that he's doing this, tonight I just didn't answer the phone when he called. I listened to his message and yeah, it was another last minute visit call. So now I'm mad at myself for letting my frustration get the better of me and not answering his call. But I want him to learn that I have a life too and he can't just count on me to be available! I want him to plan ahead so we can be sure to see each other. Why doesn't he get it that he has to let me know ahead of time if he wants to see me?
DanielMadr Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I've been getting mad at my boyfriend lately because he's so busy with work and other stuff that we don't have much time together. And now I'm getting mad at myself because I'm getting mad at him. He hates planning when we'll see each other because, well, I have no idea why. But he won't do it. If I ask him to be available for a friend's birthday party or something a couple weeks in advance, he'll do it. But he won't ever plan our dates ahead of time when it's just us. Instead, he'll call or email a day ahead. I'm not thrilled about that, but my time is more flexible than his, and we do have a great time together and love each other, so I deal with his wierdness. But the last couple weeks, he's been calling last minute, like when his football game gets rained out, or if he's leaving work and wants to come over. And I keep missing his calls because I'm out doing other stuff or can't answer my cell until it's too late and then we don't get to see each other! If he had just called even a few hours earlier, I'd have gotten the message in time. And now because I've been mad that he's doing this, tonight I just didn't answer the phone when he called. I listened to his message and yeah, it was another last minute visit call. So now I'm mad at myself for letting my frustration get the better of me and not answering his call. But I want him to learn that I have a life too and he can't just count on me to be available! I want him to plan ahead so we can be sure to see each other. Why doesn't he get it that he has to let me know ahead of time if he wants to see me? Why? Maybe he thinks last minute planning is better then eventually canceling the prescheduled date. And he is right. By not answering his call, you will not make it better as you probably know. Tell him what is on your mind, that you would like to plan ahead a little bit. Tests in mind reading are sure way to hell/divorce/break up.
MadDog Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Actually, it sounds like you just aren't that high of a priority on his list of things "to do." He prefers to watch a ballgame instead of spending time with you. I like watching sports like most guys but let's get real--I'd much rather be in the company of some hot girl who's ready to have a night of fun followed by some bedroom gymnastics than in front of the TV. Whether this is a problem depends on how much of a priority you want to be in his life. MD
Guest Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Why? Maybe he thinks last minute planning is better then eventually canceling the prescheduled date. And he is right. By not answering his call, you will not make it better as you probably know. Tell him what is on your mind, that you would like to plan ahead a little bit. Tests in mind reading are sure way to hell/divorce/break up. If he keeps missing me because he doesn't plan ahead, are you saying he won't get it that he should plan ahead? Are guys really that clueless?
Guest Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Actually, it sounds like you just aren't that high of a priority on his list of things "to do." He prefers to watch a ballgame instead of spending time with you. I like watching sports like most guys but let's get real--I'd much rather be in the company of some hot girl who's ready to have a night of fun followed by some bedroom gymnastics than in front of the TV. Whether this is a problem depends on how much of a priority you want to be in his life. MD He doesn't watch football or any sports on TV - he plays on league with a bunch of friends. And yes, it's very important to him that he play. I don't care that he plays, or that he works a lot and he can't schedule a date a week ahead of time. I just need him to understand I'm not sitting around waiting for him to call so he needs to give me some notice.
moman Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Or maybe he is mad that you don't answer his calls or that you shot him down once. I invited a girl out before and she was 'busy' and I planned it in advance. Because of her lackluster response, she is on the backburner and I do NOT plan anything in advance now. If I call her up and she's available at that time, then great. Else, too bad. Look in the mirror and see if you have done the same thing to him.
Guest Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Or maybe he is mad that you don't answer his calls or that you shot him down once. I invited a girl out before and she was 'busy' and I planned it in advance. Because of her lackluster response, she is on the backburner and I do NOT plan anything in advance now. If I call her up and she's available at that time, then great. Else, too bad. Look in the mirror and see if you have done the same thing to him. We've been dating for 2 years. It's not like we just met. Yes, sometimes I can't take his calls, and I call him back when I can. No, I don't shoot him down and I'm not lackluster. This whole calling at the last minute thing just started happening and I want it to stop!
moredeborah Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I don't think you're being a bad girlfriend at all, but have you told your boyfriend how you feel? If you have and he's not working it out with you, you should press the matter further if it's really bothering you. I don't think you should not answer when he's calling for you because it's sort of like you're "playing games" with him when you don't answer. He will realize naturally (hopefully) that his last minute plans are not good and that isn't the way to try to get together.
Walk Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I agree.. Tell him that you do really want to see him, but you aren't going to sit at home 24/7 waiting for him to call you. But if he would call a few hours in advance, or a day or two, then you'd be happy to see him. Men kind of need a picture drawn sometimes. Try talking to him one more time. But this time be blunt, or rather, simplistic. Express that you do want to see him. It makes you upset that he can't respect that you have a life too, and attempt to work with you to find time together. My bf hates planning in advance too. Which is fine for the most part. A little aggravating at times. But he will (now) make plans a week in advance during times when I have a lot of things to do. We communicate what we're doing and when, and then work together to find time in the week to hang out. Either by combining things, or just an hour or two one day that week to talk and catch up. But the reason it works is because I communicated that I wasn't happy being at his beck and call whenever he was free. That my life was important too, and that I felt it showed a lack of respect toward my pursuits when he would expect me to drop everything just to spend time with him. I really wanted to drop everything to spend time with him.. but I was getting so angry and resentful about it that it was really damaging the relationship.
DanielMadr Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 If he keeps missing me because he doesn't plan ahead, are you saying he won't get it that he should plan ahead? Are guys really that clueless? I dont know. It can be he is too decent or he is not. You know him better than I do Just tell him, plannig ahead is more convenient for you. Personally...I dont like planning ahead.....if something turns out(which is very often) I would have to break my "promise". So I plan ahead like one day. Maybe he is not sure you are that much into him (which you probably not). Tell him you would like to see him on your own.
Moai Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I don't see what the problem is. I don't plan anything ahead of time with my girlfriend, unless it is a big event like a party or a family thing. We don't even plan things a day in advance. When we hook up we decide what we are in the mood for, weigh our options and social obligations, and then that's what we do. If she wants to hang out with her friends or her mom and sisters, she does that and I do my own thing (I am always invited to go with her). We always hook up when it is over. Same when I have something to do. She always answers the phone when I call, and I always answer when she calls. If I have something to do that gets cancelled, I ring her up and we get together. I just go over to her house if I know she is going to be home, otherwise I call and see what's up. And vice versa. We see each other every day, and do almost everything together. Maybe he thinks that your relationship has progressed to the level where you are both the most important thing, and when he gets the chance he wants to see you. I mean, football with his friends is important to him and he has an obligation to be there, but if it is cancelled who is the first person he thinks of? YOU. He doesn't go out and drink with his buddies, or go to a strip club, or any of the other things lame guys do, he trys to spend time with YOU. I don't think that is disrespectful at all. If you are busy, answer his call and tell him so and make plans to see each other ASAP. Think about that for a second: You would have no idea that football was cancelled if he didn't call you, right? That being the case, he could go out, meet other girls, sleep with them, and you wouldn't be the wiser. But what did he do? he called you. he tried to gfet some quality time going with you. Maybe you'd be free, maybe not, but at least he made the effort. He doesn't freak out when he calls like and you are busy, does he? I am sure he is disappointed, but he digs you and wants to see you. I'd be disappointed, too, but not mad or hurt. He doesn't cancel the dates he planned in advance after he just shows up, does he? He IS taking you for granted, but in a good way. He is taking it for granted that YOU are important, that YOU are fun to be around, and that YOU are who he wants to spend time with when he can. And he thinks you feel the same way. That sounds great to me. It sounds to me like this guy is in love with you.
Kenyth Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Don't dig into this girl, she has a right to a little organization in her life. This is a reasonable request. You NEED to tell him about this, not do a bunch of passive agressive things that he probably won't understand. HE needs to make an attempt to change his bad habits here. YOU could also be the one to arrange things in advance. That way, you have control of the schedule. It could be a plus as long as it doesn't bother you.
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