luvstarved Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Hi all Just checking in to say that things are still on a good path with me and my H, we still have a long way to go but seem to be always moving in the right direction...our sex life is improving, our communication is improving and H has not visited any porn sites since the big talk. I asked if he still thought about them and he said not much and less and less as time goes on. Hooray for him! Next weekend will be a good test as I am going to visit my mother and that trip has been a traditional time of indulgence for him. I also had been concerned about a potential threat, a coworker, and that has proven to have been an apparent false alarm too. Yeah I admit I have been monitoring him somewhat, but so far nothing suspicious. There was never anything substantial anyway, other than my fear mostly. But what I really wanted to say is that I have been very surprised at how helpful "relationship books" have been. I tend to meander toward the cynical and figured all that self-help stuff was a bunch of crap but I have to say that I have gotten a lot from my reading. A lot of it seems really obvious in retrospect, but my H and I have both been guilty of relationship-killing behaviors: taking all frustrations out on your spouse, expecting spouse to be a mind-reader, somehow trying to "win", failing to give due respect, making assumptions about what the other "really means", breaking out the "divorce card" in arguments, not being honest and open about needs and feelings, focusing on the few negatives instead of the many positives, failing to give sufficient emotional support, not making enough time for each other, letting things build up without talking them out and then exploding, and generally blaming each other for all of the above. We have a lot of history so we still have some of these tendencies but we are working on them and seeing great improvements. We are working on getting a weekend in the near future so that we can focus on some of the "workbook" type things without interruption - just communicating needs, fears, feelings in general and trying to up the intimacy level...we had one scheduled but it got cancelled...argh! My H is very enthusiastic about all of this and other than a tendency to try to deflect blame away from himself, which he is at least working on - and the books help with that, too, is 100% on board with the whole approach we are taking. For what it is worth, the book that I have liked the best so far is "Relationship Rescue" by yup Dr Phil. The others I have read are "His Needs Her Needs" (also very good) and "Becoming One" (good but a little heavy on Christianity slant for us, but would be VERY good for devout Christians who need to shed guilt about wanting a more interesting sex life!!) marriagebuilders.com, website of the "His Needs Her Needs" book is very good too. So that is my two cents on relationship books - I would welcome any additional recommendations and hope the above recommendations (which I admit were mostly originally from other loveshack members) are useful to someone else...
ShoeGirl Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I mentioned Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott on another thread about relationship books not to long ago, I am not sure if you read that one or not. I have met them in person at a few lectures and they seem to be very genuine. I think that they have a unique perspective on relationships becuase they spent the first year of their marriage in therapy and have had several trying things happen during their marriage. If you are interested look up "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" that is one that I have read and liked they have probably close to 30 books that cover many different relationship topics. You mentioned one book that was a little heavy on Christianity... they are Christian and while I don't think that they push it too much it is still incorporated into their books.
Author luvstarved Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 Oh I don't mind the Christianity angle, I enjoy several Christian authors even though I am not a full fledged one myself (I am philosophically to a good extent, but I can't get past the "it's the one and only truth" aspect of any organized religion so I end up calling myself a non-denominational deist) - but there was just a little too much of being directed to the scripture in that particular book.... I'll check them out. Thanks much!
Guest Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I think it's a good idea to benefit from the wisdom of others. I'm wary of people who denigrate self-help books; clearly none of us knows it all - people who refuse to learn from others are suspect to me. Try also books by John Gottman and David Chapman's Five Love Languages.
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