How to be an alphamale???

[Heart66]

WOW, youre really bitter! You'd better fix that before you move on to any new relationships. If you don't...you'll only end up treating women in the unfair manner that she treated you. That makes you the same ugly person that she is--except with a penis!

[SmoochieFace]

Continue being a nice guy but gain some self respect and grow a spine. When you respect yourself others tend to respect you as well and this carries over into relationships.

 

This guy isn't 'nice' by any stretch of the imagination. All those F-Bombs dropped on the female gender earlier are testimony to that fact.

[jimmy20013]

Too all my critics, here is my reply.

 

Someone asked me how angry:- Just angry to enough say that what you did is wrong and you cant do that to me. If really angry then I would walk away and come back and talk about it.

 

To someone who said that I am a fake:- No , I never faked anything about myself. Yes I am angry and I have every right to be angry for how I have ben treated.

 

To someone who said that she wanted to be comfortable:- She used to tell me almost everyday how comfortable she felt around me and she could share anything she wanted to with me.

 

I know all of you have been through bad hurts and heartbreaks at some point of time and mine is no different, its just my first one.

 

I wouldn't be this confused if I lacked what she wanted but she told me even after the breakup that I was everything that she wanted and she really loved me. Then why did she go? I know it wasn't because of any other guy.

[jimmy20013]

 

 

Perhaps she was more perceptive than you gave her credit for.

 

A girl who has to call her mom for every single decision and her friends for every single fight we had can't be more perceptive than what I have given her credit for.

 

Do you believe it's possible to disguise an underlying attitude like that with good looks, jokes and a smarmy smile? Do you imagine that the "scum" you believe women to be are also too thick to see past some faked nice guy act?

What exactly is bad about my attitude? The desire to vent when I feel hurt on a forum where people actually advice you to do that. Its a lot better than calling her and telling her this and I have enough conviction in myself to refrain from doing that. Its really easy to take the higher ground when you cant understand what the other person is going through.

[amaysngrace]

I wouldn't be this confused if I lacked what she wanted but she told me even after the breakup that I was everything that she wanted and she really loved me. Then why did she go? I know it wasn't because of any other guy.

 

She told you this to soften the blow. I told my exH some untruths at the end because I could see how bad it was hurting him. I thought lying was the nicest way to be.

 

Really, though, after I got tired of him begging and bugging me, I finally told him "I hate you. I have no love for you in my heart at all. And I never will again". That was actually a gift, my saying that.

 

Because he was able to let go at that point.

 

You can't let go because she told you "she's always going to love you". But basically, you can translate everything she's said into one certainty...

 

...it's not HER...it's YOU.

[a4a]

You are right here. There is a fault in my choice. I agreed to date a girl who was insecure because she said she would change. I agreed to date a girl wo has a bad dating pattern because she said she had changed. If I showed so much faith then I don't think it was much of me to expect her to respect my feelings and NOT HURT ME IN THE WAY SHE DID. SHE CALLED ME A HORRIBLE PERSON. Why? Because I get angry when my buttons are pushed.

 

 

.

 

Well you must have done something to have her call you a horrible person and leave you.

 

What is up with the anger thing? Do you scream, get physical, belittle the other person?

[jimmy20013]

She told you this to soften the blow. I told my exH some untruths at the end because I could see how bad it was hurting him. I thought lying was the nicest way to be.

 

Nope, I know this is not the case. Don't ask me how because its a long story but this is not the case. I probably know the actual reason but I don't wanna jump to conclusions. Anyway I am over the breakup part. I am just dealing with the rejection. Somedays I relapse and have a desire to vent and I come here but I guess I will have to stop doing that as well seeing how judgemental people are!!!!

[a4a]

Nope, I know this is not the case. Don't ask me how because its a long story but this is not the case. I probably know the actual reason but I don't wanna jump to conclusions. Anyway I am over the breakup part. I am just dealing with the rejection. Somedays I relapse and have a desire to vent and I come here but I guess I will have to stop doing that as well seeing how judgemental people are!!!!

 

dude you come here and say how great and good looking you are and you have no clue as to why this chick left you......

 

She left because what you think is so great and wonderful about you was not enough or the right thing for her.

 

Of course people will make judgements when you pose a question to a group of people or you offer up an opinion, others may have a different opinion.

 

Perhaps she left you for because you are controlling and need to always feel right?

[amaysngrace]

Nope, I know this is not the case.

 

Somedays I relapse and have a desire to vent and I come here but I guess I will have to stop doing that as well seeing how judgemental people are!!!!

 

 

If I were you, Jimmy, I'd take a good look at yourself before finding fault in others. This seems to be your biggest flaw, IMO.

 

You're in denial of who you are, and if you had an open mind, you could have actually benefitted from the wisdom that's been given to you.

 

I feel really stupid for taking up my time to respond to you. No worries, though. It won't happen again.

 

PS I've been taught that if many people say the same thing about you...it's probably true! Ciao!

[burning 4 revenge]

Well you're 21 wo I assume she was young also.

 

Maybe she isn't ready to settle down.

 

Whatever the reason ,being a jerk isn't the solution.You'll hear guys on this board counseling that being a jerk is the solution to your problems with the opposite sex and the ironic thhing is many of these same guys tend to be single. I think they're mistaking the fact that being a nice guy isn't the most important criteria for a woman with the perception that women want somebody who's a jerk. It isn't true. They don't want a submissive guy, but they want someone who shows them respect. If a woman leaves a nice guy for someone who treats them worse it's almost always because the guy who's a jerk has some other qualities that the nice guy lacked. It could even be that the latter acts like a jerk because he is arrogant, because e is well aware that he possesses qualities women are drawn to.

[jimmy20013]

 

 

Well you must have done something to have her call you a horrible person and leave you.

 

What is up with the anger thing? Do you scream, get physical, belittle the other person?

 

Nope nothing like that. She has insecurities that she will get stuck in a relationship where she will be controlled and thats why she controlled me for a year. When I started saying no to that and started standing up, she felt like she was losing control of me and her insecurities started rising. She conveyed this to a person who was in an abusive marriage and that person adviced her that me acting this way was a sign of an abusive person.

[lindya]

To someone who said that I am a fake:

 

That was me. Sorry if it felt like an unfair assumption. I guess the best way to explain it is to ask you to imagine what you'd think of a woman who wrote something like

 

" **** you all men who take advantage of girls who treat you nice. **** you for screwing girls like me and **** you for being such scum."

 

How do you take someone who describes themselves as treating another nicely, but in the same breath describes that person as scum?

 

Should we be nice to our partners because this will oblige them to continue being our partners? If they dump us, is that a breach of contract that places them in the category of scum, and entitles us to verbally abuse them? "I fulfilled my part of the bargain by being nice to you, so you do the right thing by me damn it..."

 

Yes I am angry and I have every right to be angry for how I have been treated.

 

How would you define the limits on your right to be angry? For instance, would the right to have this feeling also entitle you to behave in a particular way? You mentioned:

 

SHE CALLED ME A HORRIBLE PERSON. Why? Because I get angry when my buttons are pushed.

 

What exactly happens when your buttons are pushed and you get angry? We've read the "**** you for being such scum " comment at the start of this thread. Would comments like that be a typical response to your buttons being pushed? If so, would you regard this as something you have a right to do in certain situations...and (again) if so, what situations might those be?

 

Somedays I relapse and have a desire to vent and I come here but I guess I will have to stop doing that as well seeing how judgemental people are!!!!

 

It's less a case of being judgemental, and more about exploring some of the things you've said about getting angry. A couple of comments you made pointed to anger being an issue in the relationship ("she called me a horrible person...my buttons get pushed...").

 

If you do react destructively when your buttons are pushed (and I'm just guessing that you do from some of the things you've said), then people simply agreeing that you're entitled to vent will achieve nothing. Anger is a normal human emotion, but part of healthy development involves learning to manage that anger effectively. Venting might temporarily relieve anger (though personally I think that's a questionable theory) but it does nothing to help you learn techniques for controlling it.

[SmoochieFace]

She has insecurities that she will get stuck in a relationship where she will be controlled and thats why she controlled me for a year. When I started saying no to that and started standing up, she felt like she was losing control of me and her insecurities started rising.

 

 

She conveyed this to a person who was in an abusive marriage and that person adviced her that me acting this way was a sign of an abusive person.

 

So why are you hollering and screaming? An insecure controlling person left you. You should be happy!

 

Why would you want to be with someone who is insecure and controlling? Look at it this way - she saved you a lot of BS. Who knows what she could have ended up doing to you as a result of her 'weirdness'.

 

Sometimes things that may be bad at first glance may actually be good for you in the long run. Think about that.

 

And the so-called 'advice' she got from her friend who is in an abusive relationship is a crock - standing up for yourself does not mean you are abusive.

 

Don't listen to advice from dysfunctional people in dysfunctional relationships... you'll end up being dysfunctional!

[Moai]

Hey man, I have been where you are. It sucks, for sure.

 

Don't fret too much about how you are venting on here. I have felt that way, and I am not an angry person at all. I don't think that I have ever actually yelled at any girlfriend I have ever had. But in private, name calling, screaming, etc. is the norm. No big deal. Anger is normal, and properly controlled, healthy.

 

Realize, too, that people here are really just trying to help. Many will jump on "anger" issues or whatever, perhaps not understanding that you are just venting in an anonymous forum to help yourself feel better. Sadly, pop psychology is so rampant that any sort of response besides, 'I know I was at fault, too, blah blah blah" is going to get people to cart out all sort of issues-based advice. And more power to them, but take it all with a grain of salt. Nobody is perfect, and nobody makes the correct emotional decisions all the time. Nobody in here actually knows you, so you be the judge of what you will take with you and what you'll reject.

 

That said, some people just wig out. The girl you were with flaked. It happens. There may or may not have been a reason for it. Maybe she is unhappy with herself. Maybe she is bipolar. Maybe she just got tired of you. It happens. You can have all of the qualities that women claim to be looking for and still not attract all of them. It is the nature of things.

 

There are things that "alpha" males don't do, that you are doing. While it is natural to be hurt and angry, an alpha male would say, "Good riddance! There are plenty of women out there who would kill to date me. I am going to find one of them." Anger at her is wasted energy.

 

Think about why you had a relationship with someone like her. If she is needy, all over the place emotionally, and has misperceptions of your values--the "chasing money" thing--why didn't you dump her before now? An alpha male does not put up with that stuff for a second.

 

It's possible that you were too available to her, and that instead of showing her you loved her, you told her too often. Even in a committed relationship, you have to make it known that you could bail at any time if things aren't right for you. That keeps you a challenge. The key is you can't ACT that way, you have to actually BE that way.

 

In my current relationship, my girlfriend knows that there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, and that she is absolutely the most important thing in my life. But, if she cheats on me, is disrespectful in any way, or gets flaky I am so gone it isn't funny. I demand to be treated a certain way, and if I am not then see you later. I don't tell her I love her very often--when I do it works wonders--but what I DO do is little things that make her happy, so she somehow just "knows" I love her. None of this is premeditated on my part, I have just matured enough to know what I want out of a relationship, and value myself enough to require it. I am not sure when I developed that attitude, but the second I did I landed the greatest girl in the entire world. I didn't have to even try.

 

The reason jerks get girls is because they don't care what women think. They say whatever they want and do whatever they want. That shows confidence, and that is the strongest magnet there is. After a few months, though, women usually see that the guy really doesn't care about anything but his own selfish deesires and they bail, but the insecure ones think that they just have to hold out, change themselves, or whatever and then the "bad boy" will come around. That is never true, but it doesn't seem to matter. They constantly seek approval from men whose approval should mean nothing. But you don't want those women.

 

You shouldn't have passed up on opportunities to date. You never should, unless you have an agreement with a woman that you will be exclusive. You need to be out there experiencing as many women as possible. That keeps you from being desperate, and not focusing on one woman as if there are no others. The woman who gets that treatment/attitude has to EARN it.

 

It is not all one-sided, either. You have to EARN the women worth having. A strong, independant woman wants a man, not a lap dog. She wants a man who does what he says he will do, who means what he says, and treats others (and himself) with respect.

 

I have found that if you have the "bad boy" attitude but the nice-guy heart you get the greatest women in the world. Or at least woman, in my case. I don't want another one...

[magichands]

You have to EARN the women worth having.

I couldn't agree with Moai more. This is so true.

 

Check out the "Money or Love" thread. Once you have the money, you can buy all the women you want.

[luvtoto]

If you want to be an "ass-h&le" type to attract women...you'll just attract needy insecure girls. Go with the confidence approach...when you like and respect yourself- people take notice of that and gravitate towards you.

 

Hope that makes sense...

D

Amen, sister!

[luvtoto]

It is not all one-sided, either. You have to EARN the women worth having. A strong, independant woman wants a man, not a lap dog. She wants a man who does what he says he will do, who means what he says, and treats others (and himself) with respect.

Amen, mister!

[jimmy20013]

Ok I apologize to all the ladies for those F-bombs. I got frustrated and writing that was my vent.

 

Now to people who said that I have anger issues. No, I don't have anger issues. When I said I got angry I meant it as an emotion not an expression. I never said a harsh word to that girl, never raised my hand and never yelled.

 

You know what I do when I am angry; I go for a drive on the interstate with all my windows open. For some reason that serves as an outlet.

 

People who say why I am hollering and screaming if she was bad to me; because I love her. I loved her inspite of her flaws and I think thats what true love is. You love somebody the way they are.

[SmoochieFace]

People who say why I am hollering and screaming if she was bad to me; because I love her. I loved her inspite of her flaws and I think thats what true love is. You love somebody the way they are.

 

Yeah, but you don't 'give away' or 'sacrifice' who you are either. A controlling person basically has complete reign over your life - what you can do, what you can't do, etc. To me, she wasn't showing you love - she was smothering you.

 

Sorry, but there's no way I'd 'love' anyone who is like that. Control freaks and I simply do not mix.

[jimmy20013]

Hey man, I have been where you are. It sucks, for sure.

 

Don't fret too much about how you are venting on here. I have felt that way, and I am not an angry person at all. I don't think that I have ever actually yelled at any girlfriend I have ever had. But in private, name calling, screaming, etc. is the norm. No big deal. Anger is normal, and properly controlled, healthy.

 

Realize, too, that people here are really just trying to help. Many will jump on "anger" issues or whatever, perhaps not understanding that you are just venting in an anonymous forum to help yourself feel better. Sadly, pop psychology is so rampant that any sort of response besides, 'I know I was at fault, too, blah blah blah" is going to get people to cart out all sort of issues-based advice. And more power to them, but take it all with a grain of salt. Nobody is perfect, and nobody makes the correct emotional decisions all the time. Nobody in here actually knows you, so you be the judge of what you will take with you and what you'll reject.

 

That said, some people just wig out. The girl you were with flaked. It happens. There may or may not have been a reason for it. Maybe she is unhappy with herself. Maybe she is bipolar. Maybe she just got tired of you. It happens. You can have all of the qualities that women claim to be looking for and still not attract all of them. It is the nature of things.

 

There are things that "alpha" males don't do, that you are doing. While it is natural to be hurt and angry, an alpha male would say, "Good riddance! There are plenty of women out there who would kill to date me. I am going to find one of them." Anger at her is wasted energy.

 

Think about why you had a relationship with someone like her. If she is needy, all over the place emotionally, and has misperceptions of your values--the "chasing money" thing--why didn't you dump her before now? An alpha male does not put up with that stuff for a second.

 

It's possible that you were too available to her, and that instead of showing her you loved her, you told her too often. Even in a committed relationship, you have to make it known that you could bail at any time if things aren't right for you. That keeps you a challenge. The key is you can't ACT that way, you have to actually BE that way.

 

In my current relationship, my girlfriend knows that there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, and that she is absolutely the most important thing in my life. But, if she cheats on me, is disrespectful in any way, or gets flaky I am so gone it isn't funny. I demand to be treated a certain way, and if I am not then see you later. I don't tell her I love her very often--when I do it works wonders--but what I DO do is little things that make her happy, so she somehow just "knows" I love her. None of this is premeditated on my part, I have just matured enough to know what I want out of a relationship, and value myself enough to require it. I am not sure when I developed that attitude, but the second I did I landed the greatest girl in the entire world. I didn't have to even try.

 

The reason jerks get girls is because they don't care what women think. They say whatever they want and do whatever they want. That shows confidence, and that is the strongest magnet there is. After a few months, though, women usually see that the guy really doesn't care about anything but his own selfish deesires and they bail, but the insecure ones think that they just have to hold out, change themselves, or whatever and then the "bad boy" will come around. That is never true, but it doesn't seem to matter. They constantly seek approval from men whose approval should mean nothing. But you don't want those women.

 

You shouldn't have passed up on opportunities to date. You never should, unless you have an agreement with a woman that you will be exclusive. You need to be out there experiencing as many women as possible. That keeps you from being desperate, and not focusing on one woman as if there are no others. The woman who gets that treatment/attitude has to EARN it.

 

It is not all one-sided, either. You have to EARN the women worth having. A strong, independant woman wants a man, not a lap dog. She wants a man who does what he says he will do, who means what he says, and treats others (and himself) with respect.

 

I have found that if you have the "bad boy" attitude but the nice-guy heart you get the greatest women in the world. Or at least woman, in my case. I don't want another one...

 

 

Your thread made my day buddy. I think this is what I need to learn; nice guy heart and bad-boy attitude. I admit I let her take me for granted.

 

Big mistake but I won't make it again.

[SmoochieFace]

Your thread made my day buddy. I think this is what I need to learn; nice guy heart and bad-boy attitude. I admit I let her take me for granted.

 

Big mistake but I won't make it again.

 

...

 

You do not have to have a 'badboy' attitude... jeez...

 

That reeks of insecurity. If I pulled that garbage with my GF she would laugh in my face and drop me for a 'real man'. 'Real men' who are truly confident with themselves do not need to emulate cinematic badasses.

[cpt101]

Awesome post Maoi, just what I needed. I fell into the trap of letting the little things go by the wayside, thinking that the major things (and there were more than a few) I did for her would suffice. Told her I loved her way too much etc.

Live and learn I guess

[Moai]

When I refer to the "bad-boy" attitude, I am talking about being confident and self-assured. Bad-boys have that in spades, it's just that they have all these other issues that make them jerks, also. That is why men think women love jerks. They don't, they just respond to confidence and masculinity.

 

Nice guys take too much ****, ignore their own needs--usually sexual--in order to be polite and not upset the woman. Or, in being nice they are boring and present no challenge or "danger".

 

You can be confident and masculine and be "nice". If you can do that you will become a chick magnet. Of course, if you are a "real" man you will pick the "one" and ignore the rest. IMO a real man doesn't sleep around or play the field to bolster his ego. he wants one woman, a real relationship, and a family.

[jimmy20013]

When I refer to the "bad-boy" attitude, I am talking about being confident and self-assured. Bad-boys have that in spades, it's just that they have all these other issues that make them jerks, also. That is why men think women love jerks. They don't, they just respond to confidence and masculinity.

 

Nice guys take too much ****, ignore their own needs--usually sexual--in order to be polite and not upset the woman. Or, in being nice they are boring and present no challenge or "danger".

 

You can be confident and masculine and be "nice".

And thats what I mean't by bad-boy attitude. I know better than to be a jerk but I don't need to sacrifice my needs, my wants and my desires to be in a relationship. I also need to "demand the respect that I deserve."

 

 

Of course, if you are a "real" man you will pick the "one" and ignore the rest. IMO a real man doesn't sleep around or play the field to bolster his ego. he wants one woman, a real relationship, and a family.

 

Thats my personality type. I don't wanna sleep around or play the field. I want "the one" and a happy relationship.

[SmoochieFace]

When I refer to the "bad-boy" attitude, I am talking about being confident and self-assured. Bad-boys have that in spades, it's just that they have all these other issues that make them jerks, also. That is why men think women love jerks. They don't, they just respond to confidence and masculinity.

 

Nice guys take too much ****, ignore their own needs--usually sexual--in order to be polite and not upset the woman. Or, in being nice they are boring and present no challenge or "danger".

 

You can be confident and masculine and be "nice".

 

Well then don't call it 'badboy attitude'. You're confusing all the young guys out there with that terminology. Just call it 'masculine confidence' or something along those lines.

 

Most people will think badboy=jerk, etc.

 

And this 'challenge' or 'danger' stuff is overrated too. May work with early twentysomething girls but not necessarily with real mature women.

 

Whoops... I forgot. Most guys only want the early twentysomething girls so never mind.