Online dating?

[ICS]

I finally had the courage to leave my girlfriend of almost 5 years. As much as she was giving me an emotional roller coaster ride the whole time, and as crazy as she was with her bipolar disorder, I had to say goodbye. Life is much lonelier without her, especially because she was not merely a girlfriend, but also one of the only friends I talk to daily.

 

Lately I have been puting myself "out there" on some online dating sites to just see what will happen. Some friends don't recommend it, but then again I am not taking it seriously. Besides, I don't seem to be very popular on the scene, getting only the odd email, with nothing to follow through on after.

 

Two weeks ago though, I got an email from a girl telling me she read my profile and was interested in me, asking me to write back if I was interested too. I did just that, and added her to my favourites to see when she is online. It tells me that she read my messages and hasn't deleted them, but at the same time she has not said a single word to me since her first message. Except for a few days ago, when I saw her online and messaged her. Unfortunately she close her IM window without replying. Dazed and confused, I messaged her asking if she was still interested. A few minutes later, I received a message from her telling me saying that she was sorry, because she was busy on the computer, with a smiley face at the end.

 

I don't really care if anything becomes of this, but this has been on my mind for a while and I just thought maybe someone could give me some input and advice on the online dating scene.

[ICS]

Can someone shed some light on this?

[dgiirl]

You dont mention your gender, but I'll assume you are male.

 

In any case, from personal experience, girls get bombarded with messages from those online dating sites. So if you feel that noone's messaging you, this is most likely the reason. The guys have to put more effort in contacting because the girls are having a hard time just keeping up with their emails, let alone search around and look for guys who might be interesting to talk to.

 

As for her not responding to your pm, again, I wouldnt take it personally. At first I really tried to respond to every guy who messaged me. But after a while, I could not keep up and started to let some slip by. I feel bad, but I simply cannot keep up with every single one. This is why I go on the free dating sites. I feel bad if someone messages me and they had to pay for it. Anyways, dont get so hung up on this one girl. Dont take online too seriously, it's just chatting. You are not going to click with every single person. But dont give up either. It gives you some practice on talking with others, so even if nothing comes of it, it's still not a waste of time.

[tanbark813]

The girls using online dating tend to be pretty flaky. I've had a number of emails exchanges back and forth 3 or 4 times and then the girl just stops responding. One girl I even went out with twice, she said she'd love to go out again, and then I never heard from her.

 

Like dgiirl said, don't take it too seriously, and expect some flakes. You'll have to weed out a lot of girls to find quality ones.

[Art_Critic]

The girl I'm just starting to date right now I met online and we have our jobs type in common..

Come to find out that she is actually a customer of mine and I've been talking to her for a couple of years over the phone and thru email..

Having this much in common is what go me the higher priority in her emails

 

I found the most success online when I let my humor come out in the email I send them.. or have something big in common..

 

But even when I think my humor is dead on and I'm working on all cylinders sometimes they just don't respond.. but the trick is in the numbers.. keep sending out the good quality emails till one sticks

[luvtoto]

My advice? DO NOT get your hopes up about a person until you meet them and have been on a couple dates.

[dgiirl]

AC, what you wrote is really true. You need to be yourself and do not be afraid to show the real you through your emails. Some people might not get your humor, but another will. And I really focus on the guys who seem genuine and who I share things in common with. Oh and please do not send out generic emails, something that is cleary copy pasted. If you really want to talk, then say something interesting. Your first email should be really light hearted convo. I get a few guys who dont know what to say so they write their whole life story in the very first email. Sadly, since they covered all the topics, there's very little for me to ask of them. If you want people to respond, engage them in a conversation. Tell them a little about yourself and then ask them some questions about them. In order for the conversation to continue, you need to give someone something to respond too. After the 3rd or 4th exchange, I can get a pretty good idea if we're compatible online or not.

 

After saying all of that, I really have to give kudos to the guys who actually put an effort and keep putting themselves out there. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and face possible rejection.

[tanbark813]

After saying all of that, I really have to give kudos to the guys who actually put an effort and keep putting themselves out there. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and face possible rejection.

 

It helps to think of it not as rejection, but finding out whether or not she has good taste.

[alphamale]

Online dating is pretty much a waste of time, energy and money for the vast majority of people.

[dgiirl]

It helps to think of it not as rejection, but finding out whether or not she has good taste.

 

Wiser choice of words But still, I respect the effort you guys make!

 

 

Online dating is pretty much a waste of time, energy and money for the vast majority of people.

 

There are some free sites, so money is not necessarily an issue. Plus, i find the free ones, like okcupid have a better environment and a lot easier to mingle and talk with people. Online dating should not be your only resource for meeting people, but it could be a good asset and it gives you a chance to talk with a vast majority of people.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Girls get tons of emails in those sites, so, don't keep your hopes up high with a particular girl. She may be talking to many other guys.

 

I think eharmony is the best one of all, last I heard they were getting some 48 marriages a day.

 

I also heard from some guy in another forum that he tried many online sites with no success at all, but went to eharmony and things were much better and was actually meeting compatible people.

 

I like the idea of the computer choosing the people for you, and then you decide who you find attractive.

 

On the other hand, a friend of mine in NJ has been doing the online dating using match.com and some similar ones for five whole years and hasn't met anyone yet, even though he had several shortly lived romances that didn't work out.

 

Ariadne

[ICS]

Very useful advice. I have also been thinking lately, are the paid sites better than the free ones, as they weed out all the half-serious people? I have only used the free sites so far because I am just testing the waters. To be honest, I have been on this one particular dating site for 6 months, right from when I broke up with my ex the last time. However.. I have only had 3 users contact me in these past 6 months. Of the three of them, none of them talked to me for more than a day. Even though other users who reviewed my profile said it was very good, I have had zero success thus far.

 

I am also pondering a theory about online dating. I have always had a picture up on my profile, but I also feel that it's also what's stopping me from meeting people, because my photo is their first judgment. I think most girls there already have an idea of what ethnicity they want their partner to be, and let's just say that I am not part of majority population-and that very few people on the site are. And I consider myself to be at least average looking from experiences in the past.

 

Would taking my photo off give me better chances, as to weed out the shallower people?

[riobikini]

re:

 

ICS: " Would taking my photo off give me better chances, as to weed out the shallower people?"

 

Keep in mind that there are a lot of "old timers" in the dating sites.

 

I don't mean "old" as in physically aged.

 

I mean that they have probably been on there for a good while and, through their experiences with it, probably (by now) have a "feel" for the "ropes", in regards to the following: how to spot a "newbie", who to stay away from, who is begging to be taken advantage of, who appears to be a challenge, who is "easy pickins' ", who isn't worth your time, who is a "snob", who is just "trolling" for sex and entertainment or is a "player", who is still hurting from a previous relationship and hasn't dealt with the issues stemming from it, who's probably married and doesn't want anyone to know he/she is in the site -as well as many other "things" you learn while becoming a "veteran" of dating sites.

 

So I caution you to -first- beware, and use your brain (as well as your "gut", and your experiences) when you are in the dating sites.

 

*Not* posting a picture is -I believe- considered a reason to suspect you have something to hide.

 

It may not be true of everyone, nor might it be fair -but I believe that it's true, nonetheless.

 

I'm sure that for those who do not photograph well, or think themselves to be unattractive *physically* this news may be a little depressing.

 

The upside is that, according to some posters I've read in this site, the view is that the absence of a photograph only spurs a little more curiosity, or lends to a little more mystery, or makes the person appear to be more of a challenge, or causes one to admire the perceived intelligence or "reservedness" of the person who chose *not* to post the photograph.

 

If you are hoping for more down-to-earth potential dates -and those who are looking for "substantial" friendships that may develop into something more- by not posting a photo, I think your chances are about even either way.

 

Personally, I have found, though my own experience, that *most* of the ones omitting the photo are doing it for a specific (and often deceitful) reason -and almost always because they are either trying to carry on many relationships at a time, or are married or otherwise joined to a “significant” partner (who probably believes in their “innocence” and trusts them).

 

There are a handful, perhaps, who are in careers that they feel the chance of public view of their photo could do some kind of harm to them.

 

Whatever your reasons for omitting your photograph, be prepared to give a good and truthful answer –and I wish you lots of luck in your search.

 

-Rio

[ICS]

Thanks riobikini for the insightful input!

 

I am glad to say that I have an update on the picture vs. no picture profile. Tonight I just removed all the pictures of me from my profile, leaving only clues as to who I am but not giving anything away much. Then I went ahead to send out 6 new messages to people I have no contacted before. The general mood of the messages have remained unchanged from before. It's rather surprising that merely 20 minutes later, I received one message back from the six that I have sent out. But there's more, because it also told me that of the six messages I sent out, only two have been opened and read thus far. This means the success rate of getting a reply has increased from.. almost 0% with a picture to (so far) 50% without a picture. Same witty messages, just without a face to show.

[ddnnee]

Eharmony says to me that no one loves me. =(

[Guest]

Alli and GBOI

[please notice how many things foreshadow this tale].

 

Sometime in November 2002, a friend of mine named G introduced himself to the women of Lavalife. Funny thing was that of all the possibilities a web site might offer, he only met one person, only one caught his eye. For the next 4 years, they lived every emotion known. She was intrigued but skeptical and she still is today. She was strong and determined and he still is today. Even back then Alli got annoyed with thIS ordinary guy and hid herself many times from him. Then G sent her a picture of himself in a Santa Claus outfit saying Merry Christmas and Alli came out of hiding.

 

Alli and hIM friend listened to all his music and volley back and forth, with a little foreplay, even back then she was both confident and unsure. She was a nite owl and he was a morning person. She wrote stories and he took pictures. And they moved from words written on a computer, to a voice on the phone, to seeing a play about Death. . He told her that he would never be afraid to make a fool out himself for her and she had deep thoughts, always something churning over and over in her head, looking for something wrong. But there wasn’t. the two of them talked about everything, feelings and emotions, sex, their past, money, styles, and music. They exchanged lists of what they felt was important to them and each of them were happy they had a romantic partner. From a first date, to going steady, suddenly Alli said she was not afraid, had no doubt, would not hold back and her wall came down.

 

This is new she thought. He is really a stranger, she tried and tried to disbelieve but she refused to do so. And that is how they build a trust, that came naturally, and she feel like someone actually understood her – he did. So they went to spas and had the toes done, took trips and made music, and she showed him her stories about 6 cookies. There was a evening of planB, the first Valentines Day necklace, they both became vulnerable without even knowing. They ate Lasagna after hours in the sack, she made logos and t-shirts, and he gave her a promise ring – and he always kept his promise [that whatever made her happy he would do]. And even when they both had to get back to real life, like jobs, and school, and kids, and bills, they still managed to find sometime for each other. And they grew and they changed and they lived together a life of ups and downs, of praises and fears – neither one ever wanted to hurt the other but they did because they are human – that was they both forgive.

 

There is never just one person, one event that makes one person weaker or better – a relationship takes two people so you shoulder the blame and the glory. I guess what this is all about is I saw a post earlier where a woman and a man found themselves at the crosswords. And terrible things happened but all that really was – is life throwing life right back into your face. The lessons learns far outweigh any pain. But in that one post, a woman wondered just what that man would do, she wondered what decision she should make and thought she would be all defensive when she met him maybe for the last time. And that’s why I told you this little tale, because if those two are like Alli and G, they really have no fears.

 

Because both times Alli wanted to leave G let her, but the last time G left that decision only to Alli and hoped that she would leave him even when he was at his weakest - because that is what Love is – you don’t own someone – you give them respect. And everytime Alli felt nervous and wanted to run, she never felt that way when they saw each other face to face. See, that is something they always could do – remove those fears by looking into each others eyes. So, if I was that man in the post about the woman leaving, I would read this story to the woman that is shy. And I would tell them that they should never listen to strangers, and those who will plot, family and relatives who think they know but do not. Just listen to each other and that’s all they will every need because that is what love and soul-mates do.

 

If I lay back

Would you lay back with me

Forget what we are

And let the garden burst with life

So just hold on

Hold on to what you know is real

Then you’ll know

These things never change

[riobikini]

re:

 

ICS: " ... Tonight I just removed all the pictures of me from my profile, leaving only clues as to who I am but not giving anything away much. Then I went ahead to send out 6 new messages to people I have no contacted before. The general mood of the messages have remained unchanged from before. It's rather surprising that merely 20 minutes later, I received one message back from the six that I have sent out. But there's more, because it also told me that of the six messages I sent out, only two have been opened and read thus far. This means the success rate of getting a reply has increased from.. almost 0% with a picture to (so far) 50% without a picture. Same witty messages, just without a face to show."

 

 

(Smile)

 

I'm still afraid to conclude anything from just the *one* trial run, ICS ;too many things ("unknowns") that could have contributed to your outcome on that particular day, besides the omission of the photo.

 

Still, it seems to say that humans are just curious beings.

 

I continue to wish you good luck, though.

 

Side note to put this dating site "availability" into further perspective:

 

All my children have been spoiled in some way -but once, when my daughters were three and six, I videotaped them opening packages at Christmas.

 

(I pull these videotapes out about this time every year.....Smile).

 

I had obviously overdone it -the tape shows the girls' faces barely visible at the beginning in a pile of gifts.

 

It took about an hour to get down to the last ones, and I shut the camera off for resting periods in between.

 

By the time they had opened all but the last few remaining packages, and the room was full of ripped paper and red bows, their eyes were just kind of glazed over, and their brains were nothing more than scrambled Christmas-frenzied mush.

 

I panned the camera across the mess and videotaped my youngest, just as she bowled over -all exhausted- and went to sleep as she sat in the middle of a pile of dolls, bears, games, and other practically meaningless things.

 

(Smile)

 

That's kind of like *we* are when we allow such easily-achieved "availability" overwhelm us in regards to the dating sites.

 

Suddenly, it's a meaningless "toy" and just a pile of shiny, briefly exciting, useless stuff.

 

But the *wise* learn from their mistakes.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[ICS]

Eharmony says no one loves me too, after one hour of taking their surverys.

 

And the story that was posted by the guest.. I have this feeling in my head that I might know you from somewhere. I even thought that maybe you were a friend of my ex.

 

 

 

Riobikini, your anecdote seems fitting here. Maybe women really do have a sixth sense. I don't know where I am going with this "online dating" thing, right now I am just interested in meeting some decent people to talk to.

 

I do have one theory though. In real life it is not difficult for someone to rememeber you for your personality instead of your appearance. On the online world, it feels almost impossible to achieve this, with everyone confined to their short written description of themselves and several pictures. It's not at all uncommon to go picture hunting, and sometimes it's just that for most people. True, people might start talking to me with the omission of my picture, and then eventually stop talking to me perhaps. But I have a feeling that if they like my personality after some good conversation, it shouldn't be very difficult to make a new friend or more. Besides, even if they stop talking to me in the end, it would still help me understand the world better.

[riobikini]

re:

 

ICS: "...people might start talking to me with the omission of my picture, and then eventually stop talking to me perhaps. But I have a feeling that if they like my personality after some good conversation, it shouldn't be very difficult to make a new friend or more."

 

(Smile)

 

If only it was truly the *personality* that was being searched for on dating sites....!

 

And -remember- (not to promote paranoia, of course) many use the Internet much more advantageously to create enitrely different *personalities* (characters, personnas) apart from the one they really are in non-virtual life.

 

-Rio

[ICS]

My borderline ex-girlfriend accidentally messaged me today. The message wasn't for me, but for the first time since I broke up with her (and the first time she wrote me since the broke up) I was actually happy. I don't understand my mindset very well, but I wrote her back, telling her that I hope at least one of us is happy, to take care, and that I still think of her lots. About 45 minutes later she replied with a brief "me too".

 

I am not having second thoughts about taking her back, as I know by now that she is not a suitable girlfriend. However, I can't deny that she is a perfect girl with a perfectly destructive psychological and personality package. Even now, I still acknowledge that she is still a victim of all this, and I genuinely feel sorry for her. Is it ok to talk to communicate with her again? Or should I slap myself silly a few times and walk away forever?

 

As a sidenote, the "invisible man" guise has been working very well, and up until now four people have left the website and went onto my msn to talk to me. I sent three of them my picture already, and they haven't walked away yet, but we'll see.

[DanielMadr]

I finally had the courage to leave my girlfriend of almost 5 years. As much as she was giving me an emotional roller coaster ride the whole time, and as crazy as she was with her bipolar disorder, I had to say goodbye. Life is much lonelier without her, especially because she was not merely a girlfriend, but also one of the only friends I talk to daily.

 

Lately I have been puting myself "out there" on some online dating sites to just see what will happen. Some friends don't recommend it, but then again I am not taking it seriously. Besides, I don't seem to be very popular on the scene, getting only the odd email, with nothing to follow through on after.

 

Two weeks ago though, I got an email from a girl telling me she read my profile and was interested in me, asking me to write back if I was interested too. I did just that, and added her to my favourites to see when she is online. It tells me that she read my messages and hasn't deleted them, but at the same time she has not said a single word to me since her first message. Except for a few days ago, when I saw her online and messaged her. Unfortunately she close her IM window without replying. Dazed and confused, I messaged her asking if she was still interested. A few minutes later, I received a message from her telling me saying that she was sorry, because she was busy on the computer, with a smiley face at the end.

 

I don't really care if anything becomes of this, but this has been on my mind for a while and I just thought maybe someone could give me some input and advice on the online dating scene.

 

OMG. forget internet dating....If you have no other chance then prepare yourself for couple of months of no serious flirting - simply making friends and then youll maybe pull some fat (or other defect) chick who is living 24/7 in virtual world and wants someone who has his shyt together, which you are not, because you are frustrated internet freak just like her.

[Guest]

Eharmony says no one loves me

 

What do you mean???

[ICS]

I did it again, I let my ex back into my life again. Last night I found out that she did not accidentally messaged me like I thought. Instead, she did it because she was desperate and wanted me to talk to her. And no doubt I had a soft spot for her in my heart still, I couldn't stop myself and welcomed her with open arms.

 

And to think that up until only two days ago I had no contact with her. Nothing makes sense anymore, I don't know why I feel happier talking to her, and I don't know why I reacted as I did.

 

Suddenly I am not listening to my logical self. With two beeps of the phone came a new message from the BPD ex. I couldn't help but grab it, and as though by mind control, I replied. Not long after I found himself starting an IM conversation with my distressed ex...who has not changed the least bit. Heck, she is still the cold, uncaring, unyielding, and selfish girl I used to know. But I felt completely desensitised by everything that had happened, and was glad that I am once again in familiar company. I talked to her as though we have only stopped talking for a day, yet I revealed no details of my life. At times during the conversation, she seemed to be even more logical than me, advocating for no contact. But only a half hour later, she caved and confessed her longing for the past.

 

"Ok, why am I doing this? I am playing with fire.", I thought to myself. But interestingly I remained my composure during the conversation and kept a certain emotional distance away. I confessed with her: "Even though we can never be together and that I don't intend for us to go out anymore, you will always be the love of my life." And a moment later came the reply: "I know" And I said: "Don't you think that there are people who are parts of the jigsaw puzzle of our life? I have always thought of you as that since we first talked, even when we weren't going on." She softens up even more, considering the validity of my point of view: "But how are we supposed to get over each other if we continue to talk?" I said: "You don't have to talk to me all the time."

 

In fact, in the greatest depths of my mind, I told myself to never have a conversation with her outside of the virtual world, ever, and I shall be fine.

 

I don't know my feelings very well right now, but I do know that my conversation with her tonight didn't hurt me, despite having said some truthful words about my feelings. I felt alive to once again immerse in the momentary happiness of not having to miss her anymore. Does this make sense? Could I ever keep her around as a casual friend with whom I communicate with only on the computer? I don't know much now, but I know it makes me happier at the moment. But I have never forgotten the roller coaster of a relationship we had, and I do not want to be romantically involved with her again.