bbgrlnas Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 , wondering if anyone can give me advice. Here goes. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and now have a beautiful 5 month old baby girl. Our 1st year together, he cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant. He did not know she was pregnant until she was almost due. In the meantime I had just found out I was pregnant. I was afraid to be alone so I stood to try and make things work. Things were fine until a month ago he just stopped coming home on time and he wouldn't answer him cell. I assumed he was cheating on me. This past weekend, he never came home from Friday morning until Sunday night. Come to find out, he confessed to using cocaine which he did when he cheated on me. He said he used all weekend and couldn't call me. I don't want my baby being around a druggie. I also suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I don't know what to do. I try to be strong for my baby but it's so hard. He says he can't promise me that it won't happen again and he hasn't been coming home until 3:00 am or later. I can't take this. MY depression and anxiety are really bad. If I do leave, will it ever get better. I really need advice.
BannaBee57 Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 You don't want to expose your child to this any longer. I think it would be in your best interest to leave this man. I would rally your support systems (family and friends) and also seek some professional help for your depression/anxiety when you leave. You will get through it! You are strong enough to question his behavior, so you obviously know he's not good for you or your daughter. You can do better than a drug addicted cheater. Good luck!
D-Lish Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Okay, the first thing you need to do is take care of the current situation with the absentee boyfriend with the drug problem. Can you afford to stay where you are and live on your own? Do you have somewhere to go? Address these issues first. Get yourself settled- away from this harmful unstable person. He doesn't sound like a good father or a good partner to you. Secondly, anxiety and depression can be treated with medication- but it takes about two months to feel the effects. Also know that although these meds have some positive results... that there are possible side effects that you may not want to deal with at the same time as a break up and possible move... (ie: insomnia, heightened anxiety, drowsiness, etc). But at some point- if you have a bonafide disorder- meds may be a possible solution to your angst. You should however, consult with a doctor asap about a possible course of action for you. It's also possible that your anxiety and depression is situationally heightened at the moment. You are overwhelmed right now by your situation...so perhaps by removing yourself from the situation, you may find some relief from your symptoms. Can things get better? Yes, of course. They will get better. But you need to take action to get started on healing. This is where your support system comes in. Ask for help- either from friends, family, or even your doctor. But get motivated. Once the ball gets rolling- things will progress from there. This man is toxic to you. Concentrate on helping yourself and you're child- make that your main priority. You're better off as a single mom than the partner of a cheating coke addict. Keep posting here if you have questions- people are willing to help and offer insight. We've all been in a position of struggling and coping - so if you need an open ear... it's a great place to find support. Let us know how you are doing. Dee
Author bbgrlnas Posted October 25, 2006 Author Posted October 25, 2006 I have already thought out a plan. I can make it on my own. It will be a struggle for a while, but I can do it. We got into a fight the other day and I told him that if he couldn't be the father and boyfriend that I know he could be that I couldn't be with him anymore. He says he wants to go to counceling for himself that he doesn't know how he got in this situation. He also said he hasn't used since this past weekend. I told him that I'm not going to be with him, but I will be there for him. If he doesn't get the help then I need to cut all ties with him which is hard because of the baby. That and he does still sleep here. I am on depression meds and I am in counceling so I know I'm doing the right thing for my baby and me. I just need to keep thinking positive which is hard. Thanks for your help. If you have more advice keep it coming because I do need it. thanks.
D-Lish Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Good for you. I only posted about the meds because I too experience anxiety and depression and the meds do help somewhat. I also started taking them at the same time as my break up- and things got worse for me emotionally as a result of that. I could barely function on top of the side effects... I also know that situations can exascerbate the anxiety and removing yourself from the situation may help calm things. The last thing you need when dealing with your own turmoil is to look after someone elses demons. Glad you have a plan and some support in place. Good luck, D
Author bbgrlnas Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 It's very hard with the anxiety and I get the feelings of unreality with it so it's a struggle. I know I need to do what's right for my baby. I don't get it. He says he wants things to work out that he'll be home at a certain time and never shows up. How is that working it out. He's mentally draining me. I just want to feel like myself again and I know its gonna take time and that's the hardest part to deal with. Thanks.
D-Lish Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 When someone says they'll make an effort- and they don't...well that's one thing. But he has a responsibility with a child he was obviously not ready to commit to. Sounds like he has a ton of growing up to do. Shame really- he is able to make an adult decision to have the unprotected sex - but not to take responsibility for the outcome of that. You being the woman, the responsibility will ultimately fall on you to do the hard work and parenting while he just shows up and interacts when he feels like it. Frustrating I'm sure- Unfair? most definetely. Does he have a job? Does he contribute financially? If you leave him, can he be compelled to contribute support? I'd be giving the hard ultimatim if I were you- shape up or you're gone. You don't need this in your life right now with everything else that is going on. I'm sorry you're hurting, and that he has failed to step up properly. Look after you and your baby at this point and time. It's the only thing you can do to make life better for yourself. Take care, Dee
Author bbgrlnas Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 He actually opened up to me yesterday for the 1st time in a long time. He said that he stopped using but is going through bad withdrawls. He comes home late because he doesn't want the baby or me to see him go through this. He said he'd probably feel better by the end of the week. He's just been spending alot of time at his brothers house dealing with it. I guess I just have to take it day by day. He says he loves us and he got himself into this situation and he'll get himself out. He says he wants to be with us as a family he just needs to get through this. I don't know. He sounded sincere enough. I read about the withdrawls and they sound pretty bad. He doesn't eat. He's constantly vomiting and shaking and when he sleeps he's drenched in sweat. But like he said he's the one who put himself there. I just hope he comes out of this ok and doesn't go back so he can be a good father to both of his kids. I do love him. I try not to but it's hard. I haven't been calling him throughout the day when he works, He calls me. I guess I have to see where it goes. In the mean time I need to take care of my baby and me.
lighthouse Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Take care of you and your baby first and foremost. Then suggest he go to a NA meeting or get some help. I dated a guy who was involved in drugs and NEVER again (granted I didn't know how into drugs he was at the time). Drugs are powerful and no matter how strong his love is for you and your child chances are, IME, that he loves the drug more. Not trying to be rude at all but it is a dangerous game and I would be very very wary. lighthouse
Author bbgrlnas Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 I know I just don't know how to get over him. My baby is first and I always thought we'd have that family we always wanted. He confuses me. He says he's withdrawing now that he hasn't used since saturday. I would just like to get over him. I'm mad at myself for being intimate with him this morning. What do I do.
lighthouse Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 I know I just don't know how to get over him. My baby is first and I always thought we'd have that family we always wanted. He confuses me. He says he's withdrawing now that he hasn't used since saturday. I would just like to get over him. I'm mad at myself for being intimate with him this morning. What do I do. You realize that your baby is more important (which I believe that you do) and that he is not worth your love or the love of your child - at least at this time. Look this guy has already cheated on you once with another girl and now with drugs. He does not deserve you and you, and your baby, deserve better. You tell him that until he gets help (and can prove it) you can not be a part of his life - and neither can the baby. lighthouse
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