Will it work out in the end???

[lostlovebbg]

I've been reading few of the stories on here forum. And kinda glad to know there are some same problem when it comes to being in love with a married man. I never thought I would be in this situation but reality is that I am in one and I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

 

When I meet him (work) I knew he was married. I had no intention of falling or being involved with him. From the first day we meet we got along well. And to find out(on my second day) he had seen me in months (about 8 months) before else where. I was shock that he remember details of my bike (motorcycle.) After that we talked non stop e-mail, text, phone and messanger. Few weeks later (at this point he and I were still just talking) his wife saw a text message from me. he came into work Monday and said he needed to watch his boundiary. I was fine with that. Then on wed. we were back talking to each other like before. Let me break this down. He's been in this unhappy marriage for about one year. He got married to make her feel secure and love. But after marriage that's when all the drama started. IE different standards, out look on life, different goals etc....

 

I've been told by many many of co-workers he was unhappy till about few months ago. He also told few co-workers that he feels who he is around me and that how happy he is with me.. A little over a month ago he had talked to her and had planned on moving out the next day. Then she found out about me, **** hit the fan. The next thing he calls me up and tells me that he wants to work thing out with her and that she was worth fixing his marriage. I was lost with what had just happen. One min he's telling his friends he was completely head over heel in love with me to working things out with his wife??? Even to this day I've had friends from work tells me he's not happy. He's forcing and trying to convince himself to be with someone he's no longer in love with!!! I'm not sure what to think at this point??? Can someone shine the light on me???

 

Thanks

[GreenEyedLady]

Actions speak louder than words...go by what he does, not by what he says...there's a reason he's back at home...

 

Sorry you're going through this...

[Joelle]

I agree with GEL.

 

Your MM's actions may relate to his value of marriage. He values marriage, so he's going to try to work it out with this wife. This isn't about you. It's more about him.

 

I regret what you're going through.

[lostlovebbg]

I know it is.. He not only married to the wife but also the parents. I know from everything he had share with me I know they're giving him all the guilt and everything in the book. He became silence about a year ago with his W. Now he's learning to speak his mind and stepping up to his plate.

 

I know I need to let him go and let him work it out. Right now I'm face with doing the part then saying. The hartest is that we both still work for the company... I aviod seeing him but he pass by my office few time during the day. I however don't have to worry since his office is upstair.

[PoshPrincess]

I also agree. My sitch was pretty much the same. Ex-MM had told mutual friends how in love with me he was, how happy we made each other and I had known before that his marriage was on the rocks. However, he made his decision to stay. He says not because of W but because of the kids but I will never know whether that's true or not. I am also totally heartbroken at the moment, have never felt so much pain in my whole life, but it's got to get better. I have now cut all contact with my ex-MM. I can't say for definite whether I will stick to that but I am hoping I will as I know staying in touch does neither of us any good. Of course, this is much harder for you as you work with your MM. Respect his wishes (as I am trying to, desperately! - not at all easy, I know) and let him see that you are a strong person. It really isn't worth putting yourself through anymore pain.

 

Lots of luck. Stay strong!

[lostlovebbg]

Thank you for the understanding. I've been in love before but never this raw love I feel. I'm sure things will get better as time past.

[stillhere]

This is one reason why i always said that i would never date anyone from work, and look at me now. I'm madly in love with a MM that i work with as well.

 

NC is the best way to go (or so i've heard) but it's also extremely hard to do when you work them.

 

He made his choice, so you have to respect that. Remind him if he approaches you of the choice he made. He wants to work on his M. He certainly can't put all of his effort into his M if you are on his mind.

 

A's are very difficult to pull away from, especially if there is a shared love, and you've been together a while.

 

There are many wonderful women on here who have pulled themselves out of an A and are doing great. They're stronger and happier than they have been in a while. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to go in the right direction and put one foot in front of the other. You will get there, it just takes time.

[ConfusedLover]

LLB, No man is worth it. If he loves you, he will return to you. But dont hold your breath...There are too many fish here for you to wait for a married guy. You are single, I assume. Go out, see others and have fun. It does not matter what MM thinks or does. Only you and your happiness matter. If he returns and if you still love him, be very clear about getting involved only if he has ended his M. Dont let him have his cake and eat it too. Wish you happiness!!

[sashbodaya]

Most married men still love their wives,and will go back to them.Wanting to experience something different,not better.The shared conversations you have with this married man are not to be taken as anything you

secure for yourself as stable.They always need to place blame on someone to relieve themselves at the time.Most are confused and not

themselves.A life crisis causes much upheavel and all that is needed to

find himself again will be the cause that will put an end to what needs to

change.They cause alot of hurt to the ones that jump into help them.Alot

of Ow are not able to offer good advice.Most have bad intentions,and are

themselves looking for a new life,hoping this man will offer.Not all Ow are the blame,they are just a victim.Most of these MM cant and wont be able to live up to what they may have said they will do.Comming from a place

of being discouraged,looking for a relief,and believing at the time to what will make them happy.This is short lived,and may last only a year.If the affair was kept a secret as soon as it is revealved it causes the MM to

be released from any contract,and for the OW ,it causes the reverse .

What it was suppose to do for the OW ,doesnt.For her it was to be what

would make his wife react.Taking what steps the MM should have,but

didnt.A legal action,freeing him from her,and making him able to make some moves into a commitment for a relationship.What he probablly

said was stopping him,and why he still kept the affair with no strings.

When MM say things,especially when they are drunk,it is not what he is

going to do.Just what makes him able to manipulate and be the real

deceiver.If a MM really wanted a new life,he would easily make the steps.

And make for himself able to be free to start this.If a MM never loved his

wife,and she was what could really be held responsible for,and partly the

blame for alot of both of their unhappiness,he would have already taken

steps to free himself.But if an Ow was really being honest,she already

knows he still loves his wife.Most MM are still making love to their wives,

and even if they have unloaded somethings,by saying what or who is

a cause for their unhappy bored lives,will eventually end up not being the

blame.What they thought was the cause of all this,ends up showing them

it never was,cause they are still not happy.Especially after realizing what

they did,and how it hurt the ones they really do care about.If they are

forgiven by their wife,most of them go back to their wife.Being taken as

their husband who was mixed up,and being misled.Most women know that

men dont think or act on their own,from the behaviour that was being

displayed,without a nasty b*** behind it.Especially when a MM is vulnerable,and easy prey.Men are,and always will be influenced by women.

Goes back to Adam and Eve.If the MM makes the transition,and is

humbled from his trek he easily makes his way back home.He may have

some humiliation,by having to admit he wasnt ever able to live up to what

ever he may have said earlier.And most of what he may have been in agreement to was from alot of what wasnt his.The councel being given,

was the OW being misleading,and from the games women play,and get good at.The #1 game we play is (the nonchalant game).Acting like we

are very confident in our single life,and willing to show the path to get their.Being the friend they never had,and not wanting or expecting anything.And not willing to give up their independence.Showing how

happy they are,not having to be tied down,especially to a wife,they

say without really saying about her.Even pretending ,having pity towards

her.Using the guilt,from the MM,with hidden intentions,by saying("if you

really loved her you wouldnt have done this").Accepting this,the MM agrees to this,("you care about her,but dont love her"),this is what an OW

enjoys injecting in his mind,and what is easily accepted.But still the OW

has to continue playing the one who is only saying things like this to him,

cause she cares,and only a friend.Not trying to hurt his wife,only being the person who finally told him some truth,about his marriage.And only wanting to help him,not saying things for him to like her more.And he can

trust this,in his thinking,to make sense,as men do.

Men are led by their thinking,and being visual.Women are led by their

feelings.Thats where men have the advantage over us.Men can have

sexual contacts,and are loving what makes themselves feel good.Men

can have sexual experiences,and even a liking they have towards what is

for them,able to be what services them,(their desires).They will even

pay for this,or by buying things,booze,smokes,clothes dinners,etc,being a worthwhile investment.But not willing to take on,or support a living.

Ladies who are financially and self supporting,will not be willing to get involved with any MM who is still with his wife.Most are not willing to lower

themselves,and are what gentlemen have to respect.Men know they are

expensive,and willing to pursue,if what they are wanting,in their lives

is a real life,something they will make the effort,to committ to.Knowing

they cannot hide or lie about.OW who are willing to be the second place

person.in a MM life,who they know still makes love to his wife,and no condoms,is setting herself up for a horrible heartbreak.I am speaking from

experience,and watched 2 women pursuing a MM.

Both were hugely misled,treated like a garbage can,and left standing alone

To public shame and humiliation.one of them even carved a talisman,put a

spell(curse) on it,hoping it would cause his wife to be kept away from him

She was a carpenter,and pretended it was a gift,she made him.He dismissed her after a few weeks,and had to hide.She stalked him,and this

made him go back home to his wife,for 4 mths.He finally left and got himself a rat infested trailer to live in just down the road from his wife.He

wasnt done going through his life crisis.But went back home in 6 mths.To

be more inlove with his wife than he was before.instead of having the

real friends he needed,he only had golddigging wenches,after him.Wanting

what he gave his wife.His wife never harmed anyone,she was the one

who offered to everyone,much hospitality.She worked a very hard job,in

the hospital.And all her earnings went to their 2 kids.And to her husbands

weekend entertainment.We all thought he provided everything for her,

her life of much material gain was what all their so called female friends,

were envious of.The year they were split up,they were being pursued by

all their so called friends.Her husband was having a mental and emotional,

breakdown.Along with a midlife crisis.No one could see this,they only saw

a man of great potential,who could offer this to them.His wife stayed clear

of all the pursuers,and for her kids,was the rolemodel.She was a great

catch for anyone.She had it all,the home,their company,horses,etc.She

kept it afloat,or he would have lost it.This exposed what was real,she

bought and owned mostly everything.All their vehicles,brandnew,were hers

And registered to her.Their house she bought with the money she made by selling her first one,which she owned before they met.The large

settlement she got bought all their toys.Their successful company was

built with both of them,and by her supporting their family,on her wages

the company had lots of revenue.

She quit her fulltime union job 3 yrs before their marriage seperation.They

both were extremely exhausted.Her husband worked 18hrs a day,for 15 yrs,he was obssessed with her.He pursued her at 19,she was 21.He got

her pregnent and they began a life together.She was what alot of guys

desired,her husband liked to show her off.She stayed home with her kids,

always,he was out with her brother every weekend,for 8 yrs.She never

nagged him to do different.She enjoyed her freedom with her kids.When

they sold her house in town,and bought a huge estate,with acres,they

worked way too much,they didnt have to.She worked to pay for their kids

to have everything.their youngest was a professional dancer.Their oldest

a genius,an IQ that was unreal.From a very young age,they had alot more

than most.This caused alot of rivalry in their families,and both sides treated them horribly.Their mothers were nasty,and were involved with alot of the nasty games that went on,against them,especially his wife.

His wife is a prophet,chosen by God himself.This was a calling on her life

from conception.She was greatly blessed,and able to forgive easily.She

had been given a life of great prosperity.She gave anything and everything to people.She never wanted for anything,and everything came

easy to her.She had several times,where strangers approached her,saying

she was a messanger,a prophet,greatly to be used by God.She was always mistreated,and had to remove herself from others.She had a close

friend die,at the hands of 3 others,who killed him and lied about it.This was left alone and untouched,and not spoken of for 10 yrs.His older brother phoned her husband and wanted him to take this guys ashes up

the mountain.It was soon to cause an upheavel,opening up a can of worms.For the 10 yrs it laid slumbering,this couple didnt know the truth.

It was too painful to speak of.This was now the oportunity others took to

finally tell the truth to what happened.What was told as the truth was

what became a great dishonour.Her husbands brother and girlfriend,and

another friend,actually were involved in a vehicular manslaughter.There was an ongoing investigation,that proved this.But unable to come out,as

the 3 involved kept the lie.And couldnt be what was able to go forward on as substantial proof.But now was exposed to this community and a public

disgrace,now known by most,but still what was hidden,by the 3.Their was

a few scenes,where others delivered to them verbal words.Just enough

to put in their place.Most out of respect for this couple,and family,said

very little.This married couple had a vendetta against them,by this guilty

persons.Being his brother,and eventually wife.They are not well accepted

and keep to their small group of friends.A few yrs ago again his brother

was involved in a horrible accident,causing another man head injury.Again

they lied,but this time everyone knew,there were too many anominous

phone calls to the police.but covered up by the injured man.Instead of

being able to redeem himself,again a coward.This is such a saddness.

This married couple has survived and overcome alot of evil,done by others

His dad got cancer just before they reconciled,and has brought many changes in this family.They now get together once in a while with the

mom and dad.Not the brother and wife.His brothers wife cannot let go of

her nasty games.So they make sure not to be around,when this couple is

present,and when they have to,because of reunions or weddings,his brothers wife,sits alone,if their friends arent around.Now this couple is

treated differently.others who where nasty,go out of their way to be nice.

This married couple dismissed most people out of their life.And keep a few friends.Their families are now thankful to have them.Most of any groups

along with family,split up.

His brothers wife,for many years did and tried to do alot of nasty ****.She

was obssessed with her .She had her girlfriend hook up with her neighbor,

moved in with him,and begin some evil actions,against this prophet woman

A yr after this couple sold their house,and moved ,his brother and wife

moved up there.She constantly talked against her,and was trying to

convince people,she was crazy and afraid of her.But moved up the road from her.His brother and wife bought a much smaller place,and have been

nonstop,in their pursuit to compete.Trying to bring some attention to

themselves.What theyve done to their little house is quite nice,and her

nonstop drive,to her yard is very noticable.

She and her friend one night keyed the couples new truck,and got found

out.They also stole an 80 lb concrete angel statue out of her yard,and were seen by a neighbor.3am in the morning.only denied,and laughed at this.The couples wife put an add in a free newspaper,saying they were seen,the time it happened,and to love thy neighbor.No names mentioned

but a spoken curse went with that angel.This wife also started a garden

club,which had alot of members.It made her and the friend furious,and

humiliated.This club lasted 3 yrs.Ended after marriage split.Her yard is

the most beautiful one up there.And Im sure what drives her

[GreenEyedLady]

This make any sense to anyone?

[Chapter2]

um....okay.... I have no idea what that was about...

[stillhere]

I give you 2 credit for reading all of that!!! I quit after the first sentence, paragraph, or whatever it was!!

[Guest-Ditto]

Hi everyone, I'm in the same boat as -- "will it work in the end".

 

I met MM at work. In Sept '05 we started seeing each other very sporadically, just a visit here and there, just two people talking about different topics. I told him early on that I wasn't interested in having an affair with a married man.

 

Then in March '06 things started progressing, he said he was falling for me and eventually said he loved me. I told him the same. Neither one of us expected this to happen. The relationship we have is not about sex, and I am just amazed, because all the relationships I have had my whole single life (I'm 48 never married), were almost always all about sex. I always gave in to sex way too early.

 

He is in a 30 year marriage, grown children. He told me about infidelity on his wife's part very early in their marriage. And many times she wanted him out of the house so she could have a boyfriend. He would go and then when she was done with the boyfriends, she would call him and he would go back home. Sounds like a very stressful marriage to me.

 

Anyway, he left her in March, but only went back after his family members (daughter, brothers, etc) told him that he and W should get counseling to try to make the marriage work. So that's what they did. He did not want to reveal that he had met me, but it came out in counseling. The W said "go ahead have your girlfriend, it won't last more than a year". But after the dust settled, they then agreed that the marriage was dead, and had actually talked about and were making plans for living situations for W after divorcing. She agreed with him that they have nothing in common, they don't have activities that they enjoy doing together. I think there is a lot of resentment there from a lot of water under the bridge over the last 30 years. MM told me that his heart was broken within the first year of marriage when W cheated on him.

 

So now we are in June of '06, He told me that he was going to leave again, but I told him that maybe he should wait and make sure that is what he really wanted to do. He interpreted that as I was not all that interested in him (which was not true), I am head over heels in love with this man and want to live the rest of my life with him. We have so much in common and enjoy being around each other and we both have had visions of living our lives together. He is very tender, has a sense of humor, and a host of other good qualities.

 

He has a lot of baggage from childhood and his marriage and he knows it. That made things difficult last summer and he started to think I was a controller like his wife and he thought I was trying to lay guilt trips on him when he wouldn't return my calls. (I was not trying to do that, but that is what he interpreted) I know he has low self-esteem, he told me he is a "fearful" man. He has told me that he thinks he doesn't deserve me, that he should be punished. (his mother beat up on him when he was a little kid).

 

He finally went to see a counselor in October at my suggestion. He stopped for awhile because the counselor was doing more talking than MM (geez, the shrink should have been paying the MM for his time instead!). Right now the MM is struggling with leaving his W. He wants to, but he says there is a part of him that feels he has to stick by the vows he took when he was 19 years old! He said there really was no courtship before their marriage, just some urgings from his family that he should marry the W. He was just back from a mandated stint with Marines (it was that or prison). So I'm guessing his family thought he needed to get married and maybe that would keep him from getting into trouble.

 

I have told MM that I need to see some action on his part to show me that he wants to be with me, ie: file for divorce and move out! He told me that he is going to call the counselor this coming Monday to get in to see him, and he's going to tell them he doesn't want to wait until January. I think because I told him I needed to see some action (I placed no date deadline) he is going back to the counselor to find out why he thinks he cannot break his marriage vows. MM says he has a different world view as most of today's people and he has a hard time going back on that promise he made to his W. He thinks our world has grown harsh and people are just squashing other people to gain happiness for themselves.

 

In September when I had given up on us (I caught him in a little lie and that just made me lose faith) I started to look for single men on dating website. I found that I was always thinking about MM when I was on a date. I told MM that my heart is just not into these single guys. because I'm in love with him. He tells me not to settle like he did, and he also tells me not to wait for him. But he continues to tell me things that reinforce his love for me, like listening to a song and is reminded of me, and almost crying over it, and this guy DOES NOT CRY. I've never been good at discussing my emotions but I am trying to open up to him so he knows that I am for real. I have told him that as a friend I will support him while he is divorcing.

 

So anyway my saga continues here and I never would have thought this would happen to me. Being in love with MM is agony! I've never really been in love and have never felt love back from a man like this before!

 

I can't give up on him yet! How long do I wait? He tells me that he found a phone number at home and his wife made a bad excuse and apparently she refers to a man at her work as her "best friend".

[oyster]

I can't give up on him yet! How long do I wait? He tells me that he found a phone number at home and his wife made a bad excuse and apparently she refers to a man at her work as her "best friend".

 

we are in similar situation, I am the OM. I haven't closed the door on my MW yet. She will try to work it out but within a few months, she will be back to the same old misery. I can't live life like the other person.

 

I set my self FREE and will start dating other SINGLE womans. I told the MW that if you try and does not work, then get seperation papers signed, move out and we will talk about getting back if I am available.

 

Going forward, she (MW) will have to convince and make her plea why she is better than the other available Single unmarried woman out there. I am not falling into the same misery trap again.

[whichwayisup]

In September when I had given up on us (I caught him in a little lie and that just made me lose faith)

 

I hate to tell you this, but don't believe all that he tells you. Infact, you really don't know 100% for sure if the stuff about his wife is true. It could easily be a line to keep you interested and hooked.

 

If he isn't ever planning on leaving his wife, how long to you intend to stay the OW in his life? The longer you stay, the harder it will be for you to end it and move on, so you can find happiness with someone else (single).

[GreenEyedLady]

I can't give up on him yet! How long do I wait? He tells me that he found a phone number at home and his wife made a bad excuse and apparently she refers to a man at her work as her "best friend".

 

How long do you wait? That is up to you...you can wait, but you have to prepare yourself that you may be waiting forever...But I am in a similar situation, so I understand your reluctance to leave and willingness to wait...

 

If you stay, stay for your own reasons and make peace with it...there'll be many things that you'll have to accept because of the nature of the R...but it is up to your MM to make the decision to leave...he needs to decide what he wants for himself, not what others want for him...

[Guest]

Thank you GEL and the rest of you nice people, I'm so glad this website exists for all of us! Bless YOu all.

 

He knows I'm tiring of this and if he really wants to be with me he knows what he has to do. I've never been involved with a married man, and I can say I will NEVER get myself in a situation like this again!!