Im hurting was I foolish to give myself to him and risk my marriage

[Guest]

This is a question in regards to a very good friend of mine who I have known for over 20 years. I had secretly developed a crush on him for the last few years but never pursued it for the obvious reason that I am married and he has a girlfriend. One night we were walking back to his place and we started talking, he told me he was attracted to me but never reached out because I was married.

 

Long story short we kissed that night and over the course of the summer a kiss lead into a full blown affair, and my crush turned to love. He pursued me and I pursued back. It was exciting and fun and honestly something that I secretly wanted for a long time. When it happened I was really caught up in it physically and emotionally. On the flip side it was torture, not being able to completley be with him when others were around, the lies, the deceipt the constant concern of being caught.

 

Then one day it all stopped, no calls, no texts, no lets meet after work... nothing. A week went by so I asked him whats up? He had decided that for right now it was not worth the risk of getting caught. He didn't want to give up on his girlfriend and as much as I cared for him I was not ready to leave my husband. So we both agreed it would be for the best to stop.

 

I am still trying to be a friend to him but as you can imagine its awkward. Other then simple pleasantries we haven't really spoken. Although im tempted daily to contact him I have not... I am ok with the fact its over - yes it hurts but it was the right thing to do.

 

I guess what I want to know for my own sanity and peace of mind is... In your opinion was I foolish to give myself to him and risk my marriage? Was it just sex for him the excitment of the chase? Is he just not into me anymore? Or can it be what my heart tells me - as simple as two people who care for one another deeply but are at the wrong place and wrong time in our lives. Could it be that both of us are hurting but have no choice.

[whichwayisup]

You both lost a friendship that could have lasted forever, because you both talked about "feelings" and pursued sexual lust/crush into an affair. You can never be friends with this man again because of what has happened.

 

You seem more concerned about this OM than you do your own husband.

 

In your opinion was I foolish to give myself to him and risk my marriage? Was it just sex for him the excitment of the chase? Is he just not into me anymore?

 

Yes, you were very foolish to give yourself to him. You risked your husbands love, faith and trust in you. This OM didn't respect the fact you are a married woman, so to most, that means HANDS OFF. He cheated on his girlfriend, you cheated on your husband. Fact is, you both know it was wrong and cannot happen again...The other questions you've asked, don't really matter (it's ego based) because now you need to figure out why you allowed yourself to fall into the arms of someone else who isn't your husband.

 

What needs is your husband not meeting?

 

This is why it's not cool to cross the lines with a friend of the opposite sex... Things like this CAN happen, especially if one isn't happy in a marriage.

 

The best thing is to let the OM go, move on. You two can never go back to that platonic friendship you had before the affair.

[SoleMate]

In your opinion was I foolish to give myself to him and risk my marriage?

YEsssssssssssssss.

 

Was it just sex for him the excitment of the chase?

Probably.

 

Is he just not into me anymore?

The risks (getting caught) started to outweigh the benefits (excitement) and he made a logical decision.

 

Or can it be what my heart tells me - as simple as two people who care for one another deeply but are at the wrong place and wrong time in our lives?

Unfortunately, when you're love besotted, your heart "tells" you things that simply have no basis in reality.

 

Could it be that both of us are hurting but have no choice?

You both clearly do have a choice to leave your current partners and have a r/s together. Actually, you have that choice and many others as well. Every choice for each of you has risks and benefits, ups and downs. He has weighed all those factors and decided to go back to his gf.

 

You didn't ask, but I would like to recommend that as whichwayisup suggests, you no longer consider this man a "very good friend". If he truly had your best interests at heart, like a friend does, he never would have come on to you and put your marriage and your emotions at such risk. Nor would he have dropped you without a word - either of farewell or apology.

 

If you want to stay married, I would recommend focussing on your husband, and making sure that the two of you are meeting each other's emotional needs to the best of your ability. Please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, or check out "marriage builders" on line. If your marriage is working well, crushes on other men will not trouble you much, if at all.

 

I'm very sorry for your pain, and I hope you can find the silver lining of rebuilding your marriage out of this (or ending your marriage for the right reasons, if that is the path you choose).

[Joelle]

I'm in the minority here.

 

I guess what I want to know for my own sanity and peace of mind is... In your opinion was I foolish to give myself to him and risk my marriage?

 

In my opinion, no.

 

Is he just not into me anymore?

 

Truthfully, I think this is the case. He didn't want to leave his girlfriend for you. Also, he didn't want to get caught by her. To me, it's obvious he's more into her than you.

 

Or can it be what my heart tells me - as simple as two people who care for one another deeply but are at the wrong place and wrong time in our lives. Could it be that both of us are hurting but have no choice.

 

Uh, no. You both had a choice. You both decided to stay in your relationships with other people.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by Guest

I guess what I want to know for my own sanity and peace of mind is... In your opinion was I foolish to give myself to him and risk my marriage?

 

In my opinion, no.

 

HUH? Are you saying what she has done to her marriage, to her husband, is OK? That it wasn't foolish of her to risk her marriage? Are you kidding me?

 

I think if her husband knew what she did with that male friend she's known for 20 years, he would be completely devastated! I'm sure her husband has had faith and trust with her having a friendship and that he could trust BOTH of them that it wouldn't turn into an affair..Unless her husband is clueless and doesn't know she has had this male friend, or kept intouch with him for all these years...

 

Guest, do you and your husband have children?

[Guest]

Guest, do you and your husband have children?

 

No my husband and I don't have any kids.

 

I know that it was wrong. I know my husband would be crushed. I know I love my husband. I know I want things to work with him. I am trying and it is working. To tell you the truth things have been 100% better with my husband now that the affair is over.

 

What I don't know is how long its going to take before I stop hurting over the OM. The truth is I still miss him and I am hurting. That doesn't mean that I want to run back to him (if he even wanted that).

 

He creeps into my head. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I struggle with this alone... I find myself in tears when im in private. I don't know if he could of handled things better, it doesn't really matter the outcome would inevitably been the same. I am so very sad... crushed.

 

Is it karma... punishments for my sins? Am i ment to hurt? Do I deserve this?

[Sup]

Guest, do you and your husband have children?

 

No my husband and I don't have any kids.

 

I know that it was wrong. I know my husband would be crushed. I know I love my husband. I know I want things to work with him. I am trying and it is working. To tell you the truth things have been 100% better with my husband now that the affair is over.

 

What I don't know is how long its going to take before I stop hurting over the OM. The truth is I still miss him and I am hurting. That doesn't mean that I want to run back to him (if he even wanted that).

 

He creeps into my head. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I struggle with this alone... I find myself in tears when im in private. I don't know if he could of handled things better, it doesn't really matter the outcome would inevitably been the same. I am so very sad... crushed.

 

Is it karma... punishments for my sins? Am i ment to hurt? Do I deserve this?

 

 

Are you EVER gonna tell your husband? Let him decide what he wants to do with his life. What if he did this to you?

[Flyin in Clouds]

...In your opinion was I foolish to give myself to him and risk my marriage? ....

 

Duh....

 

If your husband had done this to you what would you say about it? Would he be foolish for risking his marriage?

 

I know that it was wrong. I know my husband would be crushed. I know I love my husband. I know I want things to work with him. I am trying and it is working. To tell you the truth things have been 100% better with my husband now that the affair is over.

Gad... How can you say you loved your husband and do this to him? I just don't get that.

 

Would you think he loved you if he had the affair? Maybe your marriage would be even better if he did bang some hot chick... geez... Your husband certainly deserves to have some fun with another woman like you had with your OM doesn't he? Or are you the only one in your relationships entitled to that kind of fun?

 

What I don't know is how long its going to take before I stop hurting over the OM. The truth is I still miss him and I am hurting. That doesn't mean that I want to run back to him (if he even wanted that).

Wouldn't it be nice if your husband was hurting over the lose of his OW? Yeah, that would be really great.

 

Let you husband go. Let him find a decent women. One that won't cheat on him.

Is it karma... punishments for my sins? Am i ment to hurt? Do I deserve this?

Yes, yes, and yes. And you deserve a whole lot worse than this.

[Joelle]

Is it karma... punishments for my sins? Am i ment to hurt? Do I deserve this?

 

It's not my place to tell you what you deserve or don't deserve.

 

It seems like you had your heart broken by the OM. How long does it take for a broken heart to mend? It really depends on you. I think it's time to move on.

 

I'm glad to hear you and your husband are doing better.