smile95 Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I am having issues getting over my ex. We are done. That is clear. I was miserable with him and he hurt my feelings so much. We just can never be together. He has contacted me lately for my bday, but then disappeared agian. My issue is this....I have so many wonderful memories! Does he? Is it ok to still love him and not be in love? What I felt was real for him and it makes me so sad to recall the wonderful tmes with him. How do married couples do this that get divorced? How do I let go bcz I know he is bad for me, but still carry along the good? Is he going to remember the good? I know he does not hate me, but he messes with my feelings a lot. We never talk anymore. Ever. I am still hurting over him and I wish I could stop thinking of the good times and remember the bad since there were so many bad!!!! it has been 4.5 yrs since we met and we were on and off for the last 3.5 of those. I just hurt. I havemixed emotions. It hurts that he cannot be a friend to me anymore and it hurts that we clicked and now we are nothing. Is that normal to still love him? I know we will never be together. I know that he does not have a lot of qualities I need in a man, but I cannot hate him.
amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Over time we tend to forget the bad in our relationships and keep the memories that make us happiest. This is normal and part of the healing process we go through when we split from someone we love. It really shouldn't matter if he thinks of you fondly or not. If he didn't treat you right in the relationship, chances are he views you as someone he's wasted his time with. You know it's not true, and are in a better place than he if you see what good came from it all. Be careful that you aren't seeing him as you had wished he were, rather than who he actually is. This is a common occurence with victims of abuse. We tend to keep an image we've created in our heads about the person, when in reality, it's just someone they could never be. Use this relationship to see the signs you should've been aware of and make positive use of them in the future. Was your gut feeling (little voice) warning you of this man? If so, maybe next time you will listen. If you take the time to reflect and see how things occurred, you can avoid some of the mistakes you've made in the past when choosing your future partners. Use this as a learning experience.
Confuggled_one Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 hey, im sorry you feel that way. ya i feel ya a lot.. and all i can say is i hope you feel better. i agree with amaysngrace.. here's a quote i found just today.. maybe it'd help you a bit.. "If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want." i think it's really true, and maybe if you thought about it that way, you'd feel better.. long relationships are hard to forget, and we do tend to remember all the good things and forget the bad.. and we always picture them as who we want them to be, but not who they really are.. nicely said amaysngrace..! but you know that you have us here.. i hope oyu get better! and time does heal.. stay strong
Author smile95 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 thanks you both...yes, I always made him out to be who I wanted him to be and only thought of the good times. We were Long dist too, so it was all I had..to replay the good and build him up. I know deep down that it is a blessing he walked away, but I still miss him and have love for him. Will that go away? I would never act on my feelings anymore. I have done that and it never helps. I have to REALLY stop and see what it is I miss? I really do think i miss the perosn I wanted him to be. thanks...I have to remember that I would be miserable had I stayed with him. I guess it is just a down day. I would like to think that he thinks of me with love? But I guess it does not matter. He said he'd always love me, so I guess I just go on that and walk away knowing he does not hate me.
Art_Critic Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Great quote.. and so true of my last serious relationship.. If she had taken me back then I wouldn't have had the chance to meet the women I've known since her.. and currently are getting to know.... Thanks "If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want." I know deep down that it is a blessing he walked away, but I still miss him and have love for him. Will that go away? Over time it should or it will have less impact on you.. You are doing fine...and you are healing..
luvtoto Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Smile95, I am sorry you are having such a hard time getting over a guy that doesn't seem to care. I've been there myself. I posted about it and thought you'd like to read some of the thought-provoking advice I got from my LS friends. Here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86609/ Moral of the story, don't waste your life on someone that doesn't love you or respect you. Find someone that will.
Author smile95 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 it is hard when their actions do not match their words. He claimed to love me so much and when we wer together, I bought it. But now, seeing the actions show me that I have to go by that and not just words. I almost wish he had said he hated me and to leave him alone.
amaysngrace Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 But now, seeing the actions show me that I have to go by that and not just words. Talk is cheap. Like they say in boxing "Put Up or Shut Up" My exH use to tell me daily "i love you". Really, he treated me anything other than loved. My new BF hardly ever says it to me in those words. But his actions speak louder and I know I'm loved a great deal by him. They say you should be wary of a guy who says "i love you" too soon.
luvtoto Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 They say you should be wary of a guy who says "i love you" too soon. That's interesting, amaysngrace. If a guy does say "I love you" too soon, what kind of guy does that make him out to be? Abusive or possessive ..or? Just curious, that's all.
amaysngrace Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 If a guy does say "I love you" too soon, what kind of guy does that make him out to be? Abusive or possessive ..or? I think it's controlling in nature, by saying what the woman wishes to hear even if it's not true. This keeps a woman holding on to a fabrication rather than a reality...and going over and beyond for the man. But it's not true in all instances. It depends on the guy.
luvtoto Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I think it's controlling in nature, by saying what the woman wishes to hear even if it's not true. This keeps a woman holding on to a fabrication rather than a reality...and going over and beyond for the man. But it's not true in all instances. It depends on the guy. Hmm...controlling. That makes sense. I went out with a guy for one flippin' week. (the laundry guy who lived with his mother) and he told me he loved me within that week. Made me feel weird, and I dumped his arse thinking that something was majorly wrong with him. Couldn't quite put my finger on it...so I just wanted to hear your view on it. Thanks, amay!
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