Amour77 Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hello everybody, I have recently met a girl. We had a first date yesterday afternoon and we spent the whole afternoon together. The date went well it went on in the evening and we eventually spent the night together. We both left for work in the morning.... She was to go to an hospital appointment today for a check on her stomach. She then texted me just when I was finishing work in the afternoon and she seemed really down, she had a bad time at the hospital, very sore and unpleasant check. So I hesitated but I thought, hey what about going to visit her to see for the the evening (not spend the night there as I had to come home) how she is doing and boost her spirits up. She was actually quite pleased to see me and I just told her that I was just visiting to see how she was doing. She decided to invite me for dinner and we cooked it together. After, we watched a bit of TV but she was very tired and suggested going to bed for a one hour sleep or something. Off we went to bed, she fell asleep in my arms and all was well. At some point, I received a message from my ex. I told my new friend that it was a message from my ex and it was about the house we both own. I explained to my new friend I had been living there since August after the break up.... She did not say anything about it. No reaction, she just acknowledged it. She snoozed for a while, then said to me: "You do not have to stay for me now, go if you have to go..." to which I replied "I am just here to cuddle you when you sleep, I am not bored, I will go away in a while, there is no rush. She fell asleep again. When she waked up, she said: "Oh you should go now, I am very tired and I think I am going to go to my bed for the rest of the night. Before I left, she said thank you for coming this evening and she kissed me, then said "speak to you later". I know I might be over worrying a little bit, but I am just wondering if I have blown my chances away with this girl. I Think maybe I should not have visited her today, it was maybe too much attention to give her and she maybe starts to feel under pressure or smothered or something. What is your view on this? Thank you in advance.
Luzzinit Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I wouldn't worry quite yet. In my opinion, it was a really good thing that you went to see her. Under normal circumstances, you would wait a couple days before calling her. But she texted you, and told you she was hurting from the exam. It seems like she wanted you to come over. Personally, I love getting attention from a guy I like, especially the kind that you described. Just give her a little time - call in, oh, a day and a half or two to check on how she's healing up, and ask if there's anything she needs that you could bring to her. And don't sweat it, sometimes people just need a little space. Zhelaio vcevo xoroshevo!
Author Amour77 Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 We had a chat a couple of days ago and yes, it seems that me having an ex with whom I broke up only two months and a half ago seems to be a problem. She told me she does not want to be a rebound, etc.... On top of that, she said that her ex (with whom she broke up 2 months and a half ago too) had treated her like a rebound as well and never committed himself to their relationship. She does not want this to happen again, she does not want to be hurt, she wants to protect herself...... I explained to her that I was not seeing her as a rebound and that I do want things to work out between us, that I am over my ex, etc (above all after what the ex has done...) So we saw each other once after that, and although we spent a whole evening together, it was somehow distant, although at the end, just before I left, she kissed me, gave me a cuddle and asked me to text her when I would be back to my place, which shows, I think, that she cares. Once back to my place, she texted me a few times, and wished me a good night. It seems that there is something slowing her down, but I have the impression that she likes me a lot, hence the reason she does not want to get hurt if she starts developing feelings for me.... I just think it is a shame because I really like her, but I feel like I am walking on eggs.
Author Amour77 Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 Well, unbelievable thing happened just a while ago. We were not to see each other at all tonight. It had been agreed. Unexpectedly, she texted me tonight to say that she was tired (which she is at the moment-I know that for a fact). I got back to her telling her to have a hot bath and then go to bed early and have a good night of sleep. She replied it was a good idea and she would probably do that. She then asked me what I was doing tonight, and I said I might go and see a friend for a couple of hours (which I eventually cancelled:-( ). I wished her a good night and called her a sweet name that we have together. A few minutes before leaving to go and see my friend, I decided to give her a call just to speak to her 5 minutes and just check she was OK and was going to have her bath, etc.... She said she could not speak to me (having dinner) and would call me back in a few minutes. Within a few minutes, I got a message (roughly): "Go to your friend's, I really can't be bothered talking to you at the moment. Thanks for your kind words." I then obviously tried to call her a couple of times to ask her what was wrong but she would not answer the phone. She then texted in several little messages that she was too tired, I should stop giving her grief, she was too tired (again) and wanted to be left alone..... What grief am I giving her? I do not understand her reaction. She was the one contacting me tonight and I only replied to her in what I think is a nice way. I then thought I would give her a quick call to wish her a good bath and a good night by actually speaking to her over the phone rather than texting. I don't understand what is going on in her mind. Do you think that when she asked what I was doing tonight, she wanted me to go over to hers.... ? I have got the feeling it was a test to see if I was a bit like her ex who was not too much into her and probably preferred going with his friends, etc. Does she think that the friend is my ex? I eventually texted her back the following: "I do not mean to annoy you, not my intention. I was just giving you a call earlier on to speak to you and wish you a good night, after our texts. I understand you are tired, that is why I have texted you about the bath and going to bed. I understand you want to be alone tonight, although I would loved to see you. I hope you have a restful sleep. Take care of yourself. Good night." After that message, she has not replied.... I do not understand what happened. I feel guilty, I could just have told her when she asked me what I was doing tonight, that I could go and visit her (although, given she is tired, she may have said no). At the same time, I was entitled to go to a friend's. I don't know what to do. HELP!
Luzzinit Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Honestly, I think you're over-thinking this. It seems obvious to me that she's interested in you. If a girl isn't interested, usually they avoid you to avoid telling you outright. However, interested doesn't mean she is going to be all giddy and want you around ALL the time. I'm sure you realize this, and weren't trying to smother her. But just make her wonder a little bit. If she texts you and says that she wants to be alone for the night, let her be alone for the night. It sounds like she doesn't need reassurance that you like her, she needs reassurance that she's not a rebound. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Just relax, play it cool, and most importantly, be 100% honest with her at all times. My boyfriend is always honest with me, so it makes me trust him when he tells me things I can't seek proof for (ie. she'll trust that she's not a rebound when you tell her). Good luck
Author Amour77 Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 She eventually texted me back 3 hours later saying: "Hi glad you understand what I was saying to you." I am not really sure what that means though....?
Luzzinit Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Don't sweat it - she texted you back, that's the important thing. I think this girl is into you, but it seems like she really values her space. If you want to pursue a relationship with her, you're going to have to be ok with the fact that sometimes she'll need to be left alone. I don't know if this is exactly what you're going through, but I had kind of a similar thing happen. I dated a guy that was extremely clingy, and never wanted to do anything apart. I mean ANYTHING. It was sweet at first, but after a while I really needed my space. After I broke up with him, I started dating a guy that sounds more like this girl you're interested in. At first I took it as rejection when he said he didn't want me to stay the night, or he wouldn't call every day. Eventually I realized that he just did things differently than the other guy I dated. Now we have a great relationship, because we're honest, and if one of us needs space, we tell the other one. I'm happier this way because I'm not acting like I'm married before I'm really married, you know? Now your situation isn't exactly parallel, but I think she sounds like she has similar preferences to my current boyfriend. Like I said, just play it cool. Don't feel like you have to text her back everytime. It will make you seem mysterious, and girls like that:-)
D-Lish Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Hey Armour, I think maybe you are overthinking things at this point. To be honest, if it were me and I found out someone had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and still owned a house with them... well, I just might distance myself too. Everybody is leery of being a rebound. I'm curious, how long have you guys been dating? Sometimes, if I'm not feeling well~ I just want to be alone. It's especially hard when you first meet someone~ and to be having stomache problems!! No one wants to be making numerous trips to the bathroom or know they look like crap because they are sick.... she probably didn't want you to see her at her worst. Hey~ I have truly driven home from a guys house 45minutes just to use my own bathroom! (lol) too much info- I know... It's hard to tell if you are coming on too strong or just not reading her signals properly.... I need a little more info... Because if you are coming on too strong- you need to pull back.... but if it's a matter of not reading what she wants from you and you pull back~ you could be screwed! Yeah, I know- dating is confusing. It would be great if we could say exactly what is on our minds all the time... She just wants to make sure she's not a rebound. Do you think she could be? How old is she? You can PM me anytime. Oh- and in regards to my ex? I'm not going back. He was all wrong for me. I will have a conversation with him though... D
Author Amour77 Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 I think you are right, Luzzinit, she probably values her space. The relationship she was in (her most serious one) was kinda long distance, they were not living together..... D-Lish, we only have been dating for a week, it is all recent.... I really like her. She is 26 (I am 29) and I do not see her as a rebound. She meets a lot of criteria I am lokking for in a woman (not that I am picky, but you know what I mean). I explained to her that when I had met my now-ex, I had been out of a relationship a couple of months before with a girl I had dated for a year and half. I stayed with my now-ex for almost 6 years, so she never was a rebound then.... and I do not see my new friend as a rebound either. I want to give my life a new start, not look back to the past, above all with what happened with the ex (you know what I am talking about). I explained to her that everybody has a past and that even if I am still involved with my ex in the house we have in common, the house is about to get sold and that will be the end of it all....Some people get together when still married to their ex, etc.... However, she split up with a long term boyfriend a couple of months ago, and I think she might not be totally over him....She confessed she did not want to get hurt, she did want to protect herself. Who knows, I might also be a rebound? Also, she has a very important interview on Monday and I think she is stressed about it. She wants the job! I guess I will leave her alone all weekend and send her a text to wish her good luck on Monday morning. Will keep you posted. Thank you for your input, most appreciated :-)
Author Amour77 Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 It sounds like she doesn't need reassurance that you like her, she needs reassurance that she's not a rebound. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Stupid question, but how can I reassure her she is not a rebound? I mean, I have told her I liked her, that I did not consider her as a rebound, but what can I do in terms of actions?
Author Amour77 Posted October 29, 2006 Author Posted October 29, 2006 Well, she texted me again tonight, asking me "why I had been so quiet today then." I texted her back a few moments later to check she was alright and see if she was getting ready for her interview on Monday. Also asked her if she was still tired and had caught up with some sleep, and wished her a good night. What else am I supposed to do? At least she is the one who contacted me first, which is good. She did not reply back. She wanted to be left alone yesterday, wanted quiet and peace, was very tired, etc.... and today, just because I did not contact her, I get this text from her and she seems all offended I have not contacted her.... I hate this little game, I really can't be bothered with it... I really like her, but I would like things to be straight and am starting to lose patience. Something tells me that she has still a lot of baggage from her ex and is testing me somehow. Telling me she does not want to be a rebound is probably as true as the fact she still is not over her ex somehow.... I suppose I will stick around a while and be nice to her. See what happens.....How can I show her, in terms of actions, that she is a not a rebound, is still a question I am asking myself though....
D-Lish Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Armour... Hmm~ I am wondering if you have gotten yourself into a bad situation here! The more I read about your situation, the more I think she has some "issues". The push-pull, mixed signals, etc.... Leave me alone / why haven't you called??? That's messed up behaviour. Yeah, if you like the person, it's alright to stick around for a bit and see how things play out. It might just be that you met her at a bad time, and things will get better as she recovers from her surgery and starts a new job. ?? I don't know. Perhaps as you get to know her better~ you will be able to ask her what it is she wants from you. Understanding a person's needs and expectations in a relationship can make things a whole lot easier. Are you at that stage where you could talk about that sort of thing yet? What do your instincts tell you at this point? Fruitcake? (lol) Or worthy of your effort? Dee
D-Lish Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Yeah, I just read over things again in more detail. The "go away" ~ "where are you"~ behaviour is a bit of a red flag. After what you've been through, you don't need games! I'd still see it out for a bit, see where things lead. But maybe you have to be careful here. She's not telling you what she wants, sounds like she's just expecting you "to know". Maybe she's worried about getting involved, and still has some unresolved issues with her ex that are causing her to act in this way. It's always a feeling out period in the first couple months, and a week is fresh still, so your true selves aren't coming to fruition yet. Let her make the moves for the next little while. You don't want to be involved with someone who doesn't know what they want at this point though I imagine. It might just be bad timing with the procedure and job interview though, a bit of time and some clarification on her part will tell. Good luck~ you out with her tonight? Dee
Sand&Water Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 Amour77, I can sense the dizziness. It is as though you are running around in circles, not knowing which way is left or right -the anticipation is killing you [You do want her, afterall?]. You don't want to sabotage your chances at happiness which includes -the overwhelming desire to be cautious and guarded with respect to your actions and choice of words. This is normal. However, there is a saturation point. This is where, you might want to examine your way of thinking, and code of conduct. You are 29 years old. The years of experience, you bring to this situation, is vital in establishing a solid, mature connection with her. The only way for you to calmly understand her, is to stay away from images that potray men as immature, spoiled, weak, and lacking in intelligence. There is no definite way to show her, the non-rebound motive. But the few ways, you can lay out the foundation of your desires is to: (1) Be patient. Don't text her very often. (2) Make her feel like she can depend on you, in times of need, but not as a friend. (3) Fill your schedule. Don't be available, all day every day. And, don't respond to her messages, as eagerly as you would like. Give her some air. (4) Related to #3. Give her room. Don't be knocking on her door, every few days. You don't want to look desperate. (5) Create -that is, IF its not already in motion -a concrete threshold. In other words, learn to apply your own decision to certain events. Say no -it means NO, not may be or, I don't know. Last but not least, add some humour to the conversations. Light humour. Clever remarks will enlighten the connection between you and her. Women dig men who can follow-through-with-an-enriching-and-fulfilling-conversation. This is satisfaction [for some women]. I know some -IF not all -these ideas are common sense. Nonetheless, it helps those clueless individuals. Don't lose hope, in going after her. Be patient. Regards, Sand&Water
Guest Posted October 30, 2006 Posted October 30, 2006 To Ensure You Get Busted You Have No Soul And Just Refuse To Get It There Is A Reason I Have Left Things Like This Hands U More Rope
Author Amour77 Posted October 30, 2006 Author Posted October 30, 2006 Well, I sent her a very nice nice text message yesterday to wish her good luck for her interview and she texted back saying "Thank you lovely" along with a kiss, so I suppose this was quite positive. Also, right at the end of the interview today, she texted me to let me know that it did not go well.... Later on, I replied to her and we exchanged a couple of messages. A few hours later, she phoned me but I missed her call, so I called her and we chatted a bit about her interview. She was out to see her mum tonight (ah! girls and their mothers!).... I suppose things are alright and she is getting a bit closer, but I would really like to see her again soon. We'll see....I will be patient.
Author Amour77 Posted November 1, 2006 Author Posted November 1, 2006 Well, I saw her again and things went very well.... We are now in daily contact (she is the one initiating the contacts) and we are to see each other again at the weekend. Fingers crossed....
D-Lish Posted November 2, 2006 Posted November 2, 2006 Hey Armour, Thanks for your post on my thread. I guess I will be posting the the dating thread anytime now as I have finally decided to move on! Like I said before, things are complicated when you first start dating someone. It's hard to read signals and understand motivations until you get to know them better. Looks like things are progressing with you though~ that's really great. Hope you find the happiness you deserve! :-) D
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