BryceFB Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 My fiance broke up with me last monday and told me that there were things I need to change. She says she loves me but does not want to go any further at this rate because I have come across as controlling over some aspects of her life. I agree with her and I had felt that there were issues which I could work on. The break-up was and is very difficult. I have entered into therapy to address my problems within and apart from the relationship. I want to improve myself for me and for us. I could not be any more dedicated to wanting this relationship to still work. She wants it to work as well (Though she is forward enough as to not guarantee it can quite yet). Now we are planning to maybe meet up and have coffee on wednesday. I am looking forward to it with butterflies, but I am also scared. It will be the first time I've seen her in ten days (as opposed to everyday) and I have no clue what to expect. Does anyone have similar issues or concerns. I could use a friendly word from anyone please. Thank you all.
amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Are you controlling? Do you see that in yourself? Do you try to limit her from outside relationships? Do you treat her as if she were your child and not your partner? Do you complain if she leaves the house looking too nice? Do you question her when she comes through the door? Does she have to explain to you where she's been, whom she's seen and how much she's spent and on what?? These are all traits of controllers. I was just wondering if you see yourself doing any of these things to her?
KittenMoon Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Is she willing to go to some pre-marital counselling as well with you? Obviously, you should not be controlling of her, but at the same time he shouldn't just say "YOU fix YOUR problems and we'll get back together" rather, in a couple, she should be willing to work with you, while you, in addition, work on you own.
The write one Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I was in the same boat last week with the coffee meeting. My fiance (together 8 years) broke up with me a little over two months ago. I met up with her after a month of NC from me. I was scared as hell, but she threw the whole my life is miserable (not because the break up btw). so i call myself staying positive and reestablishing a friendship with her. You know, to show her I've changed blah, blah, blah. Well, she took that s*** and used me to boost her own ego and sexual needs. Meanwhile, i didn't get not one indication that she wanted to give me a second chance. I even asked her out for a second date, but this woman told me she had to think about it, but she's leaning toward yes. That was almost two weeks ago. I tell you what, go into no contact mode. This works in two ways. Depending on the time you take on NC, it will drive her mad...mean, but effective. Second, it gives you more time to heal and time to continue to better yourself. You'll need that because when you do meet up again, you're emotions will be under control and you would have developed a shield over your heart by then. That way, while you're in the friend zone, you will be ready to hear about her other conquest. Not trying to be sarcastic, but that's how it worked for me.
Author BryceFB Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Thanks for the input people. She says that she knows there are things for her to work on and that she is willing to get into some therapy for herself as well. She has stated that the separation is not one's fault but both of ours. We both love each other and both want the best for each other and ourselves. I truly believe that. By the way, with the list of contolling factors, yeah, I've been that way. I just never fully understood how awful I was until it was too late. That is part of the reason I'm in therapy and on this site. We want to fix our problems, first personally, then hopefully in the future as a couple......aggh I'm still unsure about the future.....HELP!
amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I think it sounds very promising that you recognize where you need work and she has done the same. This is the biggest hurdle of all, IMO, admitting there's a problem I agree that you should seek counseling as a couple as well as individually. It sounds to me as if you guys are on a really good path. Even if things don't work out with this relationship, you are striving to better yourself and that can only help you! I wish you the best of luck!
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