Not sure about this feeling

[LBC]

I am a MM, my wife of 12 years had an affair about 2 years ago. Things are better now and we are doing OK. Still have the lingering after affects of her affair (bouts of sadness, anger, guilt, etc). But for the most part, things are better but different now.

 

I have always been a faithful man. I never even intertained the thought of having an affair. Sure, I have lusted or have had crushes on other women, but they were in my mind and then gone after a while.

 

But now, the problem is,I find myself thinking more and more about what it would be like to know someone else, to be with someone else, to feel that “feeling”. You know the one, that giddy excitement all the cheaters say they feel when they were with there affair partner.

 

Which leads me to what I am feeling. There is a single mother that has a son who goes to the same school as my daughter. I noticed her last year a few times. And I know the few times I made eye contact with her, she made contact also and we would smile and say hello. I know that inside I felt giddy when I saw her. A whole year went by and now that school is back in, I have seen her a few more times. Have not started any conversations with her, but I definetly “feel” something from her, almost like I feel that she feels it too. Sort of like an instant attraction, but deeper than just an attraction to looks, it went deeper than that for me.

 

So last Friday night, there was a dance at school. Parents were to attend also. I brought my daughter and son to the dance since my wife had a preplanned get together with some of her friends. So at the dance, I see this woman. She is there alone with her son. When I noticed her, I saw that she noticed me too. It was from a distance, but we defiantly noticed each other. I mostly hung out with my kids, walked around a bit too. At one point when I was sitting down, I just could not help but stare at her. She would notice me, I would look away. Then I would notice her looking at me. At another point we passed eachother walking to the refreasment table. I smiled and said hello, she did the same. That’s all that has taken place, lots of staring and simple hellos. But throughout the night, we just kept glancing at eachother making eye contact and it felt so good.

 

I just don’t know what is going on here. I defiantly feel something, like those “crush” feelings. And the vide I get is she feels something too.

 

She is very beautiful, exactly my type, her eyes just mesmorize me, she actually reminds me of my wife, which makes it weird and hard to feel these feelings.

 

I would never want to betray my wife, since I know what it feels like to be hurt. But there is something inside of me that WANTS to talk with this other woman, get to know her. I just get a very good vibe from her, even though we have never really “met” eachother.

 

Its all so confusing, when I see her, I get all giddy inside and it feels REALLY good to feel that.

 

I know the right thing to do is leave it in my mind and keep my contact with her to simple hellos and such. But part of me wants to formally introduce my self and see what she does, see what kinda vibe I get. I have not felt these kinda of feelings since I felt them for my wife and it scares me. It scares me that I could even intertain these thoughts.

 

I am a very unselfish person, but something inside me is saying its OK. I like the feelings I get from her, but I don’t like that I am feeling them. Does that make sense?

 

I am scared that I might make a mistake and not be able to control these thoughts of this other woman. I love my wife dearly and I do not like that I can feel these crush feelings for another woman. It scares me, but feels good at the same time.

[Chapter2]

I understand every word you are saying...

 

Your closing alone should sober you up "just the sound of my little girl laughing, makes me happy just to be alive"...

 

I have been invovled in an affair and even though my child had no knowledge of it, she had an emotional basketcase for a mother when things unraveled. It effects them whether you realize it or not.

 

You better run. Don't risk it. The wreckage, as you already know, is immense.

 

I am a MM, my wife of 12 years had an affair about 2 years ago. Things are better now and we are doing OK. Still have the lingering after affects of her affair (bouts of sadness, anger, guilt, etc). But for the most part, things are better but different now.

 

I have always been a faithful man. I never even intertained the thought of having an affair. Sure, I have lusted or have had crushes on other women, but they were in my mind and then gone after a while.

 

But now, the problem is,I find myself thinking more and more about what it would be like to know someone else, to be with someone else, to feel that “feeling”. You know the one, that giddy excitement all the cheaters say they feel when they were with there affair partner.

 

Which leads me to what I am feeling. There is a single mother that has a son who goes to the same school as my daughter. I noticed her last year a few times. And I know the few times I made eye contact with her, she made contact also and we would smile and say hello. I know that inside I felt giddy when I saw her. A whole year went by and now that school is back in, I have seen her a few more times. Have not started any conversations with her, but I definetly “feel” something from her, almost like I feel that she feels it too. Sort of like an instant attraction, but deeper than just an attraction to looks, it went deeper than that for me.

 

So last Friday night, there was a dance at school. Parents were to attend also. I brought my daughter and son to the dance since my wife had a preplanned get together with some of her friends. So at the dance, I see this woman. She is there alone with her son. When I noticed her, I saw that she noticed me too. It was from a distance, but we defiantly noticed each other. I mostly hung out with my kids, walked around a bit too. At one point when I was sitting down, I just could not help but stare at her. She would notice me, I would look away. Then I would notice her looking at me. At another point we passed eachother walking to the refreasment table. I smiled and said hello, she did the same. That’s all that has taken place, lots of staring and simple hellos. But throughout the night, we just kept glancing at eachother making eye contact and it felt so good.

 

I just don’t know what is going on here. I defiantly feel something, like those “crush” feelings. And the vide I get is she feels something too.

 

She is very beautiful, exactly my type, her eyes just mesmorize me, she actually reminds me of my wife, which makes it weird and hard to feel these feelings.

 

I would never want to betray my wife, since I know what it feels like to be hurt. But there is something inside of me that WANTS to talk with this other woman, get to know her. I just get a very good vibe from her, even though we have never really “met” eachother.

 

Its all so confusing, when I see her, I get all giddy inside and it feels REALLY good to feel that.

 

I know the right thing to do is leave it in my mind and keep my contact with her to simple hellos and such. But part of me wants to formally introduce my self and see what she does, see what kinda vibe I get. I have not felt these kinda of feelings since I felt them for my wife and it scares me. It scares me that I could even intertain these thoughts.

 

I am a very unselfish person, but something inside me is saying its OK. I like the feelings I get from her, but I don’t like that I am feeling them. Does that make sense?

 

I am scared that I might make a mistake and not be able to control these thoughts of this other woman. I love my wife dearly and I do not like that I can feel these crush feelings for another woman. It scares me, but feels good at the same time.

[November-Rain]

I am also in a similar situation as you. I know a MM with children at the same school as my children. We attend many school functions and run into each other quite often. I get butterflies everytime I see him and he is very friendly towards me and I can tell he is attracted to me as well. I have struggled for months to get this person out of my head, but I don't know how long this infatuation over this MM is going to last, because overall thats what it boils down to. It is only a crush, and somehow I and possibly you is missing something in our current relationships that is causing us to seek out extra attention elsewhere. What keeps me and most likely MM away from getting physical with one another is, we are MARRIED and have CHILDREN that count on us to raise them correctly without any undo selfishness on our behalf. To be quite honest, I only have to look at my childrens faces and realize that I could never purposely harm them by betraying my husband with another man. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but thats what you have to keep telling yourself in order not to make a mistake you will only regret later. Go on and take time to read all the other posts on this site, they are heartbreaking! You don't want to end up in situations like others have.

 

You mentioned your wife has cheated on you in the past, it may be you are still not over the betrayel and why not! she did it! why can't I? I am not an expert in giving advice , but entertaining the thought of cheating or even becoming friends with this single mom can only lead to a world of hurt, and you already know exactly how it feels your wife did it to you. If getting over your wife cheating on you is too much for you , why not try counseling? or talking to her and letting her know what you are feeling she might even understand and possibly make adjustments in the marriage to fullfill whatever is missing in your relationship. Imagine your children finding out, plus having to attend the same school as the other womans children that would be a pretty awkward situation.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you will do whats right at least for your children.

[stoopid_guy]

Isn't it a great feeling? You're spending all this time around someone who doesn't even seem to care, then you meet someone who seems genuinely interested in you. They make you feel special again, they make you feel wanted, they make you feel attractive and desirable.

 

It's not easy to do what's "right," especially when what's "wrong" seems so wonderful. You think to yourself "I've had crushes before, they don't always develope into anything anyway, why not?" And you think "Would the one I'm with really care anyway?" and "The other one seems so sweet!" You go home, go to bed with your SO, and still feel alone and think about the other, about how they smile more every time you see them, what they might feel like in your arms, what it would be like to listen to their heartbeat...

 

You have to ask yourself how it's going to feel later. Be strong.

[LBC]

I understand all the aftermaths of an affair. and no I would not want to go down that road.

 

I just cant get over how this woman makes me feel when I see her. It feels so good inside. I know its just a crush, but dam, why does this have to happen to me. I really dont want it. I like it but I want it to go away because i dont want my "brain on endorphines" to make a stupid mistake.

 

I need to stay commited to my wife and my kids. but the inner selfish side of me has fanesty of this other women. but it is very powerful, more powerfull than I have ever felt before. it reminds me of the feelings I had for my wife, very strong. and now I feel it again for this OW, not as strong, but its the same as I felt for my wife.

 

scares me and makes me wonder is all.

 

staying commited and obiedient is harder than I thought now that I am living with the fact that my wife had an affair

[Sup]

Have you talked to your wife about this? In some ways this may reveal to her how much you were hurt from her affair, because she would be feeling it now. By no means do this for revenge for her affair.

[LBC]

Have you talked to your wife about this? In some ways this may reveal to her how much you were hurt from her affair, because she would be feeling it now. By no means do this for revenge for her affair.

 

 

Well, not exactly. But I have in sort of a "what if" kind of way.

 

I know that when she first met her OM. She told me it was an instant attraction on both there parts. They both felt it immeadiatly.

 

And she knows that is the same feeling I had for her way back when I first laid eyes on her.

 

So when we talked one time, I asked in a what if senerio. What if it happened to me. What if some OW came into my life out of the blue and we both felt an instant attraction so powerful that we could not help ourselves.

 

She basically said, its nice to feel but believe me, you dont want to go down that path. I said of course not, but what if it was so strong I could not help myself. She said, then I should leave and pursue it. I said, cant I just cheat and see what it is like, in a joking manner. She said no, that she could not go through what we have gone through again, even on the BS side, she said she dont know what she would do. She also said, if I cheated, then we would really have to look at our relationship. I played it off and we got into something else.

 

 

But there is a side of me, that would like to see what it is like. but I am afraid I would fall in too deep and not know what to do. Especially with this single mom. I just have a feeling we could click really well but it would just be a mess because she is single and I am married and I would have to leave my kids and be with her and her son and they all go the same school.

 

I know it would never work, but dam these giddy feelings, I wish I never saw this single mom.

[Sup]

Well, not exactly. But I have in sort of a "what if" kind of way.

 

I know that when she first met her OM. She told me it was an instant attraction on both there parts. They both felt it immeadiatly.

 

And she knows that is the same feeling I had for her way back when I first laid eyes on her.

 

So when we talked one time, I asked in a what if senerio. What if it happened to me. What if some OW came into my life out of the blue and we both felt an instant attraction so powerful that we could not help ourselves.

 

She basically said, its nice to feel but believe me, you dont want to go down that path. I said of course not, but what if it was so strong I could not help myself. She said, then I should leave and pursue it. I said, cant I just cheat and see what it is like, in a joking manner. She said no, that she could not go through what we have gone through again, even on the BS side, she said she dont know what she would do. She also said, if I cheated, then we would really have to look at our relationship. I played it off and we got into something else.

 

 

But there is a side of me, that would like to see what it is like. but I am afraid I would fall in too deep and not know what to do. Especially with this single mom. I just have a feeling we could click really well but it would just be a mess because she is single and I am married and I would have to leave my kids and be with her and her son and they all go the same school.

 

I know it would never work, but dam these giddy feelings, I wish I never saw this single mom.

 

 

Almost sounds like a double standard, just my thought. No, don't mess around on your wife, you would be no better. But, have you thought about what would happen if she did cheat again? Do you have a plan?

[LBC]

But, have you thought about what would happen if she did cheat again? Do you have a plan?

 

yes I have thought about it. And no I dont have a plan. We could not afford 2 places to live, and she could not support herself on her own income nor make the house payment.

 

really dont want to think about that unless it happens. if it did, I would probably still live in the same house as a room mate until she could get a fulltime job, then i would move out.

 

I know some would say, she should move out if she cheated again, but the kids need thier home. I would perfer to move out if that did happen.

 

this is all just so foolish to think about, we are doing really well and I should just let this crush feelings go.

[Sup]

I just hope your wife didn't cheat IN your house. EEEEWWWWW!!!!

[Bryanp]

It sounds like quite the double standard to me. She expected you to stay and support the marriage after she had an instant attraction to this other man and became sexual involved behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's. On the other hand, she expects you to leave if you ever wanted to pursue anything yourself. Quite the double standard and hypocrite if you ask me.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

 

...She said, then I should leave and pursue it. I said, cant I just cheat and see what it is like, in a joking manner. She said no, that she could not go through what we have gone through again, even on the BS side, she said she dont know what she would do. She also said, if I cheated, then we would really have to look at our relationship. I played it off and we got into something else.

 

 

What a hypocrite your wife is. It's OK for her to have had her fun, but not OK for you? WTF? That's just bull shyt man. I suppose your wife had her affair because you were just a rotten inattentive uncaring husband.

 

I'd say go for it. If your wife doesn't like it - tough. She can deal with it the way you've had to.

 

Do not give her the power to control your sex life, when she didn't give you the same. And that's all this is. A power struggle for her to control you.

 

What has your wife done, what could she possibly do, to compensate you for the pain she's put you through?

 

 

But there is a side of me, that would like to see what it is like.

No kidding. And once again your wife is being the same selfish bytch she was when she had her affair. She isn't willing to give you the freedom to experience that kind of pleasure. She's just being selfish. She didn't love you then and she doesn't love you now. That's how I see it.

 

I just can't understand how anyone (man or woman) could deny their SO the kind of pleasure, fun, ... that they had. What is that?

 

I wish I never saw this single mom.

Then poke your eyes out with hot irons. :rolleyes:Then you won't have to worry about seeing hot women you'd like to sleep with because your wife was bonking some hot stud.

 

Live in your wife's shadow... Let her control you. Yeah, that will make you happy.

 

Almost sounds like a double standard, just my thought.

Really Sup? Gee no. It's called a wife's privilege. She must be forgiven. He can never be.

 

really dont want to think about that unless it happens. if it did, I would probably still live in the same house as a room mate until she could get a fulltime job, then i would move out.

Wait a minute. She cheats a second time on you and you move out? Why on earth would you do that? Why wouldn't you kick her cheating ass out?

 

I know some would say, she should move out if she cheated again, but the kids need thier home. I would perfer to move out if that did happen.

The kids stay with you. Not their lying cheating worthless mother. They won't learn how to be decent people from her. They might learn how to be cheaters from her.

 

I should just let this crush feelings go.

Yeah, you should just be the good little cuckold you are. Not a man... just this thing wrapped around your manipulative wife's finger. Forget your feelings. Sacrifice everything for your wife and get nothing in return for you? Sure you'll be the bigger man, the better person for not doing it and virtue is it's own reward. But it sure isn't as much fun. Unless of course you get some kick out of being more virtuous than your slut wife.

 

Overly dramatic? To harsh? OK, sorry. But that's how I see it.

 

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't hestiate a millisecond.

 

good luck man... and when you are old and grey and this chance was not acted upon, take comfort in the fact that you were better than she was...

[LadyGuest]

What a hypocrite your wife is.

I'd say go for it. If your wife doesn't like it - tough. She can deal with it the way you've had to.

 

Wait a minute. She cheats a second time on you and you move out? Why on earth would you do that? Why wouldn't you kick her cheating ass out?

 

The kids stay with you. Not their lying cheating worthless mother. They won't learn how to be decent people from her. They might learn how to be cheaters from her.

 

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't hesitate a millisecond.

 

good luck man... and when you are old and grey and this chance was not acted upon, take comfort in the fact that you were better than she was...

 

 

One minute you are saying that adultery is shameful, the next you are encouraging someone else to do exactly that. Ah I have just realized- its women adulterers you abhor! Sorry I misunderstood before. You are actually a hater of women and probably frustrated at your own sad life. That explains it all. My advice is to get a life.

[Flyin in Clouds]

One minute you are saying that adultery is shameful, the next you are encouraging someone else to do exactly that. Ah I have just realized- its women adulterers you abhor! Sorry I misunderstood before. You are actually a hater of women and probably frustrated at your own sad life. That explains it all. My advice is to get a life.

 

Nope, if the genders were reversed in this post my advise would be exactly the same. (Try reading my other posts...)

 

And I don't view his having an affair as "adultery". Why? Because his wife decide, by herself, to turn their marriage into an "open marriage". Well half open. Open for her, closed for him. She changed the rules. Well now he's entitled to play by the new rules too. Unless of course you believe there should be a double standard for women, that says they get to have affairs but men can't.

 

I can't understand how any WS can think that if they have an affair it's not OK for their BS to have a similar affair. How selfish is that? A cheating spouse get to play but their other half has to remain a faithful slave to them? WTF?

[LadyGuest]

And I don't view his having an affair as "adultery".

 

You are re-inventing the dictionary definition of adultery, but that's what you have to expect when it doesn't fit your case. You said adultery is shameful, and now you are saying it isn't. Fact.

 

No-one with any sense will take any notice of a word you say.

[Flyin in Clouds]

You are re-inventing the dictionary definition of adultery, but that's what you have to expect when it doesn't fit your case. You said adultery is shameful, and now you are saying it isn't. Fact.

 

No-one with any sense will take any notice of a word you say.

 

If I used adultery then I mis-spoke myself. Sloppy writing.

 

You are correct about the dictionary definition of adultery. An open marriage or swinging would technically be an adulterous one, and I have no problem with those at all if all parnters consent to that kind of life style.

 

What I usually say is cheating is wrong. It is lying, deceit, going behind a partners back, being dishonest that's the problem. If I said adultery was wrong it is in that sense - adultery as cheating, not adultery as in consensual extra marital affairs.

 

So if you wish to simply argue about semantics or my poor choice of words instead of the essense of an issue, then fine.

 

The other "issue" I have in relationships is double standards. If one side can do something and the other can't. Some kind of inequality.

 

If one spouse unilaterly decides they don't have to abide by their vows, i.e. they cheat, then as far as I am concerend that frees the other side to do as they please. Once one partner cheats the marriage contract is broken, null and void and has to be re-written. I would no longer consider myself married if my wife broke her vows (or if I broke my vows to her). We would be married in the legal sense only, not the "vows" sense. At that point the whole marriage has to be renegotiated.

 

And for me, I would not tolerate a situation were she had a lover, but I couldn't. That inequality just woudln't work for me. Maybe other men could "get over it", but I doubt I could, and mostly because I'd have no desire to simply "get over it".

 

So to be clear LadyGuest when I use the word adultery I mean the cheating kind of affair, not the consensual extra marital affairs some engage in nor what many would call a "revenge" affair. I'm sure revenge would be part of it, but for me it would be more a matter of equal rights in the relationship and simply doing what my partner did - and expecting the same results - i.e. her forgiveness and understanding if she expected mine. And since a WS does what they do without the BS's consent, the BS gets to do what they want without the WS's consent or even knowledge.

 

And it still amazes me that some people belive one partner can cheat and "get away with it" but if the other partner does exactly the same thing that is some how worse than the original cheater? If the partner that cheats first wants forgiveness then they owe the same "tolerance, understanding, forgiveness" if their partner has an affair of their own.

[luvstarved]

 

The other "issue" I have in relationships is double standards. If one side can do something and the other can't. Some kind of inequality.

 

If one spouse unilaterly decides they don't have to abide by their vows, i.e. they cheat, then as far as I am concerend that frees the other side to do as they please. Once one partner cheats the marriage contract is broken, null and void and has to be re-written. I would no longer consider myself married if my wife broke her vows (or if I broke my vows to her). We would be married in the legal sense only, not the "vows" sense. At that point the whole marriage has to be renegotiated.

 

And for me, I would not tolerate a situation were she had a lover, but I couldn't. That inequality just woudln't work for me. Maybe other men could "get over it", but I doubt I could, and mostly because I'd have no desire to simply "get over it".

 

So to be clear LadyGuest when I use the word adultery I mean the cheating kind of affair, not the consensual extra marital affairs some engage in nor what many would call a "revenge" affair. I'm sure revenge would be part of it, but for me it would be more a matter of equal rights in the relationship and simply doing what my partner did - and expecting the same results - i.e. her forgiveness and understanding if she expected mine. And since a WS does what they do without the BS's consent, the BS gets to do what they want without the WS's consent or even knowledge.

 

And it still amazes me that some people belive one partner can cheat and "get away with it" but if the other partner does exactly the same thing that is some how worse than the original cheater? If the partner that cheats first wants forgiveness then they owe the same "tolerance, understanding, forgiveness" if their partner has an affair of their own.

 

F I C, I confess that even though you have restated this philosophy over several threads, I still do not get the logic of it.

 

If one partner cheats, then the other is free to cheat as well. Well, yeah, but what is the point of that? To promote the marriage? To keep the notch count even? To get an eye for an eye?

 

Don't get me wrong. I am 100% intolerant of cheating and I do consider it a violation, yes a breaking of the marital contract.

 

We all walk around free and really, can do what we want when it comes down to it. The LAST thing I can imagine myself wanting to do if I was cheated on would be to go out and find somebody else to f**k.

 

But never mind what I would WANT to do. The idea that I would somehow have a "right" to cheat with impugnity just sounds...well, childish. But Mommy SHE got to cheat!!! And what does it even MEAN? That, what - your spouse has to stay with you if you cheat? Aren't they still free to respond to your infidelity as they choose? And, how does it work? You just get to f**k exactly one other person, or are you then free to have any kind of external sex life you like once the floodgates have opened?

 

What kind of marriage can you imagine surviving this type of attitude? The idea of being ENTITLED to do the wrong thing just because it was done to you first just doesn't make sense to me. Like I said, nothing stops you from doing that, and nothing stops you from rationalizing and feeling righteous about it even but again - nothing stops your spouse from leaving your ass for it either. You can't say, well that's not fair, you cheated first.

 

My marriage would be O-V-E-R if my H cheated. I have told him that he is 100% free to have sex with anyone at any time. The only catch is that he can't stay married to me if he does! His choice. I can't think of any reason why I would want to continue to live with him and play the "get out of cheating free" card. WHY would you WANT to do that? Ugh!

 

Is it possible that you actually believe that that would somehow balance things out and be a positive healthy move for the relationship? Of course, I can see why you'd think that a reactive "cheat" would be somehow "more ok" than the original cheat, even though I disagree (using the "wrong is wrong" philosophy) but I just don't see how it fits into the notion of a marriage that one is actually trying to salvage...

[Ripples]

She is very beautiful, exactly my type, her eyes just mesmorize me, she actually reminds me of my wife, which makes it weird and hard to feel these feelings.

 

This I feel, is probably one of the most important things you've said in your post. I suspect she reminds you of your wife because she makes you feel those feelings you had for your wife once upon a time.

 

Two things, first of all 'once upon a time' is just that, it happens then it fades or at least, changes. It needs work to sustain it. Just as that feeling faded or changed with your wife, it will do the same with any other woman, unless you both work at it.

 

You do love your wife, and I sense that she really does love you. Maybe you just need a little help in understanding what you can give each other to re-awaken those feelings of long ago and build on them. There are so many sources of information that can provide this help. Do a search on LS to find out recommended texts, websites - His needs, her needs is probably a good book for you.

 

Try to come to some sort of resolution with your feelings about this new woman. Give yourself a clear talk about the fact you are feeling something that has absolutely no foundation. Your feelings are based on one thing - looks - and that this is not worth risking losing the possibility of having a beautiful and bright future with the woman who loves you. Your wife.

 

[Mz. Pixie]

F I C, I confess that even though you have restated this philosophy over several threads, I still do not get the logic of it.

 

 

He thinks this way partly because although he's been faithful to his wife so far he's frustrated being faithful at times. So in his mind if his wife cheated that would free him up to experiment sexually.

[Crimson107]

He thinks this way partly because although he's been faithful to his wife so far he's frustrated being faithful at times. So in his mind if his wife cheated that would free him up to experiment sexually.

 

 

I don't think that a BS gets a "get of jail free" card. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

To the orginal poster, I think you are human to feel that way. I started my affair by harbouring a secret. I let it control me. If you tell yourself you can't human nature will make you want it more.

 

I agree that telling your wife might be good to toalk about. It will hold you more accountable and might think differently about giddy(s)

 

Good luck, in a sense it feels justified, or at least normal. However, deep in your heart you will not feel any better about it than your wife did.

[Flyin in Clouds]

F I C, I confess that even though you have restated this philosophy over several threads, I still do not get the logic of it.

 

Explain to me the logic of "my spouse cheats on me, has sex with other people, but I'm still not allowed to. I must not only suffer the indignity, hurt, pain, humiliation they forced upon me, totally bury my pride and not get any compenation in return? I can't have the thrill they got?" See if a spouse is cheating the BS probably isn't getting much love from the WS and the thought I was getting sloppy seconds with out my knowledge... eewww.

 

Can you undrestand simple equality and justice within a relationship? How is it equal if she gets to but I can't?

 

If one partner cheats, then the other is free to cheat as well.

It is no longer cheating. When one parnter cheats they've delcared the marriage to be an open marriage. Of course they mean it be only half open, only open for themselves and to deny their partner a benifit they've just stolen.

 

Well, yeah, but what is the point of that? To promote the marriage? To keep the notch count even? To get an eye for an eye?

Maybe all of those. As I said, for me, the only way I would consider staying in the marriage is if my wife agreed that if and when I wanted to I had a right to have an affair just like she had. That is what it would take for me to stay, at the minimum. I wouldn't even consider trying to patch it up on any other terms.

Don't get me wrong. I am 100% intolerant of cheating and I do consider it a violation, yes a breaking of the marital contract.

 

We all walk around free and really, can do what we want when it comes down to it. The LAST thing I can imagine myself wanting to do if I was cheated on would be to go out and find somebody else to f**k.

Fine what ever works for you. But wouldn't you always feel "unequal" to your cheating spouse. Wouldn't you feel inadequate? Wouldn't you doubt your own sexuality or worthiness?

The idea that I would somehow have a "right" to cheat with impugnity just sounds...well, childish. But Mommy SHE got to cheat!!! And what does it even MEAN? That, what - your spouse has to stay with you if you cheat? Aren't they still free to respond to your infidelity as they choose?

Sure they can decide not to leave the marriage. But as a condition of my staying after my wife had an affair ...

 

And, how does it work? You just get to f**k exactly one other person, or are you then free to have any kind of external sex life you like once the floodgates have opened?

Probably the latter. Just one. No, probalby not. I'd have to up the "notch" count.

 

What kind of marriage can you imagine surviving this type of attitude?

I can't imagine a marriage surviving cheating myself.

The idea of being ENTITLED to do the wrong thing just because it was done to you first just doesn't make sense to me.

Wait just a dog gone minute. It is no longer wrong. Or if it is then yes I get to be just as wrong, just as immoral, just as sexually and emotionally attractive to someone else, as she did.

 

What I can't understand is how a woman can cheat on her husband, destroy him, hurt him as bad I can possibly imagine (I'm assuming he actually was in love with his wife, thought she was an angel, adored her, etc. rather than a guy that has bascially checked out of the marriage and just doesn't care about her anymore), what I can't understand is how that cheating wife can then turn around and be upset that her husband did what she just did? Come on... if that isn't being the world's biggest hyprocrite I don't know what is. She expects forgiveness but HE can't have the same understandting and forgiveness for his affair? How reasonable is that? How is that just, fair, equitable? It's a double standard.

 

Like I said, nothing stops you from doing that, and nothing stops you from rationalizing and feeling righteous about it even but again - nothing stops your spouse from leaving your ass for it either. You can't say, well that's not fair, you cheated first.

Sure she can leave, but why shouldn't I have left? She wanted me to stay in some sort of unequal relationship, where she has some superiority over me? That doesn't work.

My marriage would be O-V-E-R if my H cheated. I have told him that he is 100% free to have sex with anyone at any time. The only catch is that he can't stay married to me if he does! His choice.

What make you think you'd ever know he had an affair? He may be screwing half a dozen women right now.

I can't think of any reason why I would want to continue to live with him and play the "get out of cheating free" card. WHY would you WANT to do that? Ugh!

You aren't reading carefully. I would probably NOT stay with my wife if she cheated on me. BUT if I did, if she wanted us to stay married, - for the kids - for economic reasons -for whatever reason - and I agreed to try to do that, it would only be with the clear understanding that I would have an affair if the opportunity arose and I would be actively looking for that opportunity. If that was unacceptable to her, that I couldn't have the same extra marital opportunities she had - that she took without my consent - then I just wouldn't even bother trying to stay with her at all.

 

Is it possible that you actually believe that that would somehow balance things out and be a positive healthy move for the relationship?

I don't know how she'd feel about it and frankly wouldn't care. I know how I'd feel about it. And yes, I feel it would kind of balance things out.

 

but I just don't see how it fits into the notion of a marriage that one is actually trying to salvage...

The way it "fits in" is that it is my one of my terms and conditions to fix the marriage and it would be non-negotiable. If she doesn't accept that then we split. Now I may decide I'm not going to even tell her that's the terms, because she didn't bother to tell me before hand that she was going to cheat. See the deal here is the cheater ripped up the contract, threw it in the mud, stomped on it and then when the affair falls apart comes back and says, wait it was all a mistake, I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing, I don't know how it happened... (long list of "excuses"), please take me back... OK, I'll take you back, but the contract is now written by me, and things won't be the same as they were before.

 

He thinks this way partly because although he's been faithful to his wife so far he's frustrated being faithful at times. So in his mind if his wife cheated that would free him up to experiment sexually.

 

It is a matter of equality, justice and a lack of a double standard. If she can do it, I can too. If she expects forgiveness I deserve forgiveness no less than she. If she is not willing to commit in advance to forgiving me should I choose to have an affair after she's had one, then we've got no equality, we've got a double standard and I won't stay in a marriage that is based on inequality and double standards.

 

I don't think that a BS gets a "get of jail free" card. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

In a way I think it does.

 

Consider it this way, if I have an affair after her's, then her's wasn't wrong and neither was mine, so everything is alright. Think of it as changing the marriage into an open marriage.

 

No one has yet told me why it would be resonable for me to take my WS back when they wouldn't take me back if I became a WS. Why should I grant her something she's unwilling to grant me? It is like saying I have to lover her but she doesn't have to love me.

 

And I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense to you but it makes sense to me.

[luvstarved]

Explain to me the logic of "my spouse cheats on me, has sex with other people, but I'm still not allowed to. I must not only suffer the indignity, hurt, pain, humiliation they forced upon me, totally bury my pride and not get any compenation in return? I can't have the thrill they got?" See if a spouse is cheating the BS probably isn't getting much love from the WS and the thought I was getting sloppy seconds with out my knowledge... eewww.

 

Can you undrestand simple equality and justice within a relationship? How is it equal if she gets to but I can't?

 

It is no longer cheating. When one parnter cheats they've delcared the marriage to be an open marriage. Of course they mean it be only half open, only open for themselves and to deny their partner a benifit they've just stolen.

 

There is no "logic" to "they can but I can't" and I never said that I thought that there was. But listen to the language that you choose. "compensation", "thrill", "benefit". On the one hand, you talk about hurt and betrayal and on the other it just sounds like they got a treat that you didn't get to enjoy yourself. And being able to have the same treat would somehow nullify the hurt and humiliation. Or maybe two treats, for punitive damages?

 

Think of cheating from other angles. THink of it as a mental or character deficiency. You think expressing the same deficiency brings justice? What if your wife accidentally wrecked your car? Would you go wreck hers? What if she started drinking or using drugs? Would you do the same? What if she were shoplifting nice things? Would you jump in on that?

The salient term here is "stooping to their level"...not justice.

 

Now think of it as a betrayal, the most disrespectful act possible. I have been shown utter disrespect by you, and what would really make me feel better about that is to show you the same betrayal and disrespect. By golly, then we'll be able to move forward in this relationship.

 

Now think of it as pure hurt and pain. If your spouse lost control of themselves and beat the crap out of you and landed you in the hospital, would you feel "better" if you could then do the same to them without any punishment? Wouldn't you just want to get the hell away from them (and have their ass thrown in jail?)

 

Now think of it as a declaration of an open marriage. She did it, so you get to do it, but now she can also do it again, but wait, did that one count, well that wasn't fair because the one I went with didn't mean anything, and hey! friends are off limits and you have to wait until I have conquered 3 more people because the playing field is not level and you've gotten ahead of me...very few open marriages work, and I do speak from experience. Rules were set up that were idiotic in the first place, but then because they were rules, they were made to be broken, weren't they so betrayal and hurt and humiliation all stay in the game anyway...

 

Now think of it as a willful act of self-indulgence. Honestly, I don't see you thinking of it any other way. Because the bottom line is, your attitude does not in any way seem to be geared toward saving a relationship but being able to get what they got. You sound more interested in getting the same little prize that they had to keep things "just" and "even". Good luck with that!

 

No, it ISN'T "right" for one person to have an affair. Of course not. But if you really believe that letting the other spouse go out and have their fun as payback has any therapeutic value to a marriage then you are being very naive. And don't get confused by the notion that because somebody messed up and had an affair, that means that THEY have ongoing permission to, while you don't. You seem to keep saying that over like that's how it usually works.

 

There is something that the BS has that the WS does not have - actually, several things: a clear conscience, unsullied trust, self-respect and yes sir, grounds for DIVORCE. See, that's how it works legally. If one spouse has an affair and kids are involved, they are at a real disadvantage custody wise.

 

No one has yet told me why it would be resonable for me to take my WS back when they wouldn't take me back if I became a WS. Why should I grant her something she's unwilling to grant me? It is like saying I have to lover her but she doesn't have to love me.

 

And I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense to you but it makes sense to me.

 

Well you answered your own question. Yes, it is like saying you have to love her but she doesn't have to love you. D-uh! It is a cost/benefit ratio, a threshold for pain, a degree of tolerance that varies from human to human. Nobody said that you "should" grant to anyone anything that they would not grant you. That would be your CHOICE. You don't seem to get the simple notion that how two people handle these situations is entirely up to them and based on the individual CHOICES of the people involved. Yes when one partner cheats, that's it. The vows are broken. You had a moment of clarity somewhere in previous comments about how things would have to be renegotiated. Absolutely. But that still works two ways. It is still a mutual agreement. In this scenario, you have a RIGHT to a divorce for cause. If you choose to stay, you are not otherwise in the cat-bird's seat unless the WS puts you there. You don't have any further "rights".

 

If my H said that it would be ok for him to have an affair but not ok for me to have one, then I would pack my bags that minute. If you WANT to stay around with someone who cheated on you, fine. If that person is WILLING to let you go screw around to make you feel better, fine. But I would not ever think in terms of "well you screwed up royally, but I'll just screw up royally too and we'll call it even". Then the screwups will be null and void! Couldn't do it in a million years. Honestly, it just sounds like you would like to go out and have a sanctioned affair.

[Flyin in Clouds]

There is no "logic" to "they can but I can't" and I never said that I thought that there was. But listen to the language that you choose. "compensation", "thrill", "benefit". On the one hand, you talk about hurt and betrayal and on the other it just sounds like they got a treat that you didn't get to enjoy yourself. And being able to have the same treat would somehow nullify the hurt and humiliation. Or maybe two treats, for punitive damages?

 

Exactly right! She would have had a "treat" I didn't get and wasn't allowed to have. No way would I tolerate that. And nothing would make up for the hurt and humiliation, but "a treat of my own" would make it a little more tolerable. Without my own "treats" the situation would be intolerable - for me. If others can tolerate it, fine. More power to them. I'm just not that magnanimous.

 

Think of cheating from other angles. THink of it as a mental or character deficiency. You think expressing the same deficiency brings justice?

Why do people keep saying it's the same. It's NOT THE SAME. Once one has had an A the other having sex out side marriage is not the same thing.

 

Look at it this say. If I take a gun and shoot and kill somebody that's murder. If I shot at somebody, they draw their gun and kill me that is NOT murder. It is self defense. Look at the revenge affair as self defense. The BS isn't the one that stepped out first.

 

What if your wife accidentally wrecked your car? Would you go wreck hers?

Are you saying affairs are accidental? Come on that's a totally lame comparision. Affairs are deliberate, they are a choice.

 

What if she started drinking or using drugs? Would you do the same? What if she were shoplifting nice things? Would you jump in on that?

The salient term here is "stooping to their level"...not justice.

sigh more lame examples. None of those are things I WANT to do, but PROMISED I would not do, so long as she refrained from doing what neither of us are allowed to do. So long as she remained faithful, I would too. She doesn't, I don't have to either.

 

All I am saying is that what ever the rules are, they apply to both. She changes the rules without my consent, well OK, but don't damn me for playing by the new rules.

 

Now think of it as a betrayal, the most disrespectful act possible. I have been shown utter disrespect by you, and what would really make me feel better about that is to show you the same betrayal and disrespect. By golly, then we'll be able to move forward in this relationship.

There is a significant difference. Her betrayal was without concent or foreknowledge on my part. My "betrayal" would be with her knowing I would if and when I choose to do so. It wouldn't be a "surprise".

 

Now think of it as pure hurt and pain. If your spouse lost control of themselves and beat the crap out of you and landed you in the hospital, would you feel "better" if you could then do the same to them without any punishment? Wouldn't you just want to get the hell away from them (and have their ass thrown in jail?)

Again that's not the same. If they were beating me at least I would KNOW they were doing it and I could defend myself. And that's the trouble with cheating. I can't defend myself because I don't know it's happening.

Now think of it as a declaration of an open marriage. She did it, so you get to do it, but now she can also do it again,

Why would you think I would agree to that term of the new marriage? I woudn't. If she cheated again she would lose everything. We would get a divorce, sign a pre-nup then remarry. That is the only way I would continue forward. The pre-nup would be entirely in my favor. She didn't like it, fine, marriage ends. She wants to continue then it's on my terms. And I'm not very inclined to give her much.

 

 

..very few open marriages work, and I do speak from experience.

Yeah, and neither do many marriages that involve cheating. My point is that open marriages are good or bad, but once one side of a parntership decides to make it that way... well, I'm not going to live in the closed half of the marriage. Someone else wants to, fine, but I think they are kind of nutty.

Now think of it as a willful act of self-indulgence. Honestly, I don't see you thinking of it any other way. Because the bottom line is, your attitude does not in any way seem to be geared toward saving a relationship but being able to get what they got. You sound more interested in getting the same little prize that they had to keep things "just" and "even". Good luck with that!

Well why not? What's wrong with that? The cheating spouse gets away with it? That's no good. I am 100% not willing to save the relationship at my expense. I'm not the one that cheated first. I remained faithful while a cheating spouse has their cake and eats it too? (And this academic because I haven't cheated on my wife, and as far as I know, she hasn't cheated on me.... but if she did or does... )

No, it ISN'T "right" for one person to have an affair. Of course not. But if you really believe that letting the other spouse go out and have their fun as payback has any therapeutic value to a marriage then you are being very naive.

Why? Why does a wife get to step out, but a husband can't. Please explain that? It isn't a matter of "letting". I don't need her permision anymore than she needed mine to do what she did. It is simply a condition of continuing the marriage if it can be continued.

 

When a wife cheats on her husband and then wants to reconcile just what do you think a husband should do? Welcome the slut back with open arms? How can she possibly compenstate her husband for what she did? Or doesn't she owe him anything? After all it was his mistreatment of her that drove her to be a bad girl in the first place. It was all his fault. Nope, not going to buy one once of that crap. If she wants the marraige to go forward, for any reason, it will be entirely on my terms, not hers.

 

And don't get confused by the notion that because somebody messed up and had an affair, that means that THEY have ongoing permission to, while you don't. You seem to keep saying that over like that's how it usually works.

Well how would I know it wasn't going to happen again, or isn't on going? Women don't go around admitting to their affairs? She travels for work, what am I supposed to do, follow her everywhere. Hire a 24/7 private dick to watch her? Trust her? Not likely. She never had "permission" to have an affair.

 

There is something that the BS has that the WS does not have - actually, several things: a clear conscience, unsullied trust, self-respect and yes sir, grounds for DIVORCE. See, that's how it works legally. If one spouse has an affair and kids are involved, they are at a real disadvantage custody wise.

Baloney... men get screwed in divorce court just about every time. Just go look at all the sites with men's forum for divorced fathers trying to get the slightest bit of justice. Doesn't happen.

 

And while it's noble to have a clear conscience, unsullied turst and self respect, they don't feel as good as having a woman. And afterwards I'd still have a clear conscience and self-respect because what I was doing wasn't wrong. You seem to miss that point. The WS was wrong. The BS having a revenge affair is not wrong.

 

 

Well you answered your own question. Yes, it is like saying you have to love her but she doesn't have to love you. D-uh! It is a cost/benefit ratio, a threshold for pain, a degree of tolerance that varies from human to human.

So my wife doesn't love me, has an affair, gets dumped, wants to come back to me, and I'm supposed to love her? And all that makes our marriage somehow better? I don't think so.

 

Nobody said that you "should" grant to anyone anything that they would not grant you. That would be your CHOICE. You don't seem to get the simple notion that how two people handle these situations is entirely up to them and based on the individual CHOICES of the people involved.

Ohhh.. now you're on to something. How many times have I said "for me", this is what it would take to continue the marriage? I wouldn't consider it otherwise. So... no I wouldn't grant her rights, privelages, forgivness, what have you, that I don't have in return from her.

 

Yes when one partner cheats, that's it. The vows are broken. You had a moment of clarity somewhere in previous comments about how things would have to be renegotiated. Absolutely. But that still works two ways. It is still a mutual agreement.

that is my point. If she wants to continue the marriage after her affair, it would be on my terms or none at all. that's the price she would have to pay. If she wasn't willing neither would I be willing. Everone says well do it for the kids. OK, I would do it for the kids if she was willing to do it for the kids on my terms.

 

In this scenario, you have a RIGHT to a divorce for cause. If you choose to stay, you are not otherwise in the cat-bird's seat unless the WS puts you there. You don't have any further "rights".

Of course I do. I have every "right" she had - and she decided she could have an affair without telling me or asking for my consent, so I don't have to ask for hers consent nor tell her if I choose to have an affair. And I would choose to.

 

If my H said that it would be ok for him to have an affair but not ok for me to have one, then I would pack my bags that minute. If you WANT to stay around with someone who cheated on you, fine. If that person is WILLING to let you go screw around to make you feel better, fine. But I would not ever think in terms of "well you screwed up royally, but I'll just screw up royally too and we'll call it even".

That's what you don't get. It isn't screwing up royally. The two "affairs" are not the same. One is "first violence". The other is more like self defense. Hope that explains it.

[luvstarved]

FIC,

 

You call my examples lame, but your argument is predicated on the notion that having an affair is done with the willful intention to hurt the BS, do you really believe that?

 

Anyway, your argument really boils down to saying that revenge is morally correct and I respectfully disagree.

[Flyin in Clouds]

You call my examples lame, but your argument is predicated on the notion that having an affair is done with the willful intention to hurt the BS, do you really believe that?

 

You compare an accident to an affair. Sorry, they aren't the same kind of thing, unless you believe affairs can happen by accident. "Gee honey I just happened to fall into this guys bed without my cloths on... and well things happened. I had laryngitis and couldn't say no... "

 

No I don't presume a WS has an affair to deliberately inflict hurt on the BS. But the result is that the BS usually is in a world of hurt when the affair is discovered.

 

Anyway, your argument really boils down to saying that revenge is morally correct and I respectfully disagree.

 

You look at it as revenge. I look at it as a simple matter of equality in the relationship.

 

I still haven't heard anyone explain why a WS should be forgiven their affair, but the BS having a similar affair shouldn't be forgiven that made any sense. I still see that as double standard.